This is a period where I feel a strong need of silence. It[‘ a moment where I am completely lost. A moment in my life when the old ways seem not satisfying enough. I am still searching for an answer to the most basic questions of life. I found a lot of help as I read the writings of people who have or are wiser than me and who have gained insight from their experiences. I admit that I am particularly drawn into the contemplative traditions found both in Buddhism and Christianity. I am filled with a sense of hope and mystery on reading many works written by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and the late cistercian monk, Father Thomas Merton who was a contemplative monk.
There are many reasons why I chose these figures in particular. I can say that these two people have reawakened a sense of being within me that acknowledges our human condition but, at the same time, transcends it. Indeed, both figures have emphasised the importance of prayer, meditation and mindfulness that is balanced by work and action in the real world. Believe or good intention is not enough if we really want to express who we truly are. I confess that I’n not sure whether this sense of dissatisfaction which has compelled me to start changing my life,. However, there’s always that doubt where I find myself asking whether my intention to find meaning in another way life is not simply my attempt to escape reality and whether this ‘call’ I feel is really authentic or whether it’s another way to boost my sense of self and inflate my pride.
While contemplation requires us to take action, I believe, it’s essential for us to understand who we are and cultivate our compassion to others. Yet, who is this other? Who is ‘the other? In Buddhist texts, one is encouraged to cultivate compassion to those you love and are close to your heart, then to those who you are neutral to, and finally, to those who have become your enemies. But, while we may be prepared to open our hearts to the first two groups, our hearts seem to harden in face of our enemies. But, in truth, this is inconsistent even with Jesus’ call to go beyond loving those who love us and extend our love to our enemies. I’m not saying that loving one’s enemies is easy - especially when we are harmed by them. I don’t even claim I am close to attaining that degree of compassion. However, it’s clear that these appeals for us to be compassionate contain a message that bids us to recognise our common humanity.
I feel burdened by the uncertainty that seems to haunt me today. I continue with cultivating my understanding of Buddhism while searching for parallels of Buddhist teachings Found in Christianity. At first, I feared that my journey into Buddhism meant that I was becoming a kind of a Christian heretic. Yet, what I seek to find appears to fortify my resolve and commitment to a cause, I believe, is far greater than any limited understandings of humanity based on a closed world view that is more ready to defend the law than to live the spirit of the law. I have become aware that it may be more important to me to cultivate the seeds of love and compassion and promote dialogue and genuine cooperation rather than to engage in conflict and hate in the name of doctrine and dogma. I feel it’s important to change who you are for the better rather than expect others to change first. However, that is why it’s essential for us to understand who we really are before we can grow. At least, I feel that we cannot truly be authentic before we ask ourselves questions and be ready to challenge our own beliefs about who we think we are.
Over these past few weeks, I came up with three questions I feel I must answer to clarify my current sense of not knowing. I will just list them with a few reflections:
Who am I?
This question relates to being. At the most basic, who are we? Are we not ordinary human beings who must face similar stages of life? Don’t we all get sick, get old (if we make it) and die? Don’t we all suffer in some way or another in this life? Or, do I perceive myself as separate or even superior to other human beings just because I don’t really consider them worthy of my respect or compassion? Or, on the other extreme, have I
chosen to see myself as a victim who is less than other people to escape from taking responsibility over my life?
Read the reflection
What am I?
This question relates to belonging. Who are those groups I have been identified with? Ho are those groups which I have chosen to be part of? What community or identity have I adopted to define who I am as a person? Does my choice about which groups I associate with creating barriers when relating to other human beings outside my group or community?
Read the reflection.
Why am I?
This question relates to becoming. It is a question that is intrinsically linked to the questions of being and belonging. It’s a question that seeks to understand our true purpose or commitment in life. While we are meant to reflect on our being and on where we feel we belong in the world, , this question goes further as it invites us to ask ourselves what it means to be authentic to who we truly are. Simply put, it’s a question that is asking us whether we Are living in harmony with our authentic being. In addition, it is beckoning to ask ourselves whether we have thought about the meaning of our being itself and whether we have managed to find meaning and purpose to our lives.
Read the reflection to the last question..
Conclusion
I will end this entry here. I will be reflecting and meditating on these questions as I feel a strong need to better understand the source of my sense of loss and discovery. I hope you have the time to think about them but, of course, it’s completely up to you. I confess that the more I delve deeper into my being, the more I feel there is so much to find. I don’t know if I’ll find any answer or find peace at the end. But, I feel, that I owe it to myself and to all those around me to become a better person.
Ultimately, this life can be thought of as a personal call to be authentic!
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