A Secular Easter, An Empty Tomb and a Dead God: A Long Easter Meditation

What to write?

 

I have been struggling to gather my thoughts and ideas before daring to write this entry. I had planned to have something ready on Easter Sunday which would made this entry topical and current. Today, a week has already passed since Easter Sunday and believers and non-believers have probably forgotten the festivities and returned back to their old routines when they went back to their regular routines. A thing  I usually did myself in the past.

 

I admit that my hesitation to tackle the subject of Easter may be due to the fact that I don’t see myself as a Roman Catholic. I cannot hide the fact that, even if as a child, I always felt not quite comfortable with aspects of Catholicism because, as I liked to learn on my own, the majority of Christians had only a superficial understanding of their faith. As a child, I was prone to reason out some of the teachings as interpreted by the priests of my time. I knew deep inside that a morality based on fear of hell was a very shallow one. But, that possibility of being punished by God was too terrible to contemplate. Naturally, heaven was where I wanted to be after I died.

 

I was both shocked and disturbed when I started reading parts of the Old Testament your average Christian wouldn’t have read in their life time. For instance, Leviticus, which, to my horror, forbade anyone who had an impairment of any sort to offer anything to God for that person was unworthy to be in God’s sight. And, references to impairment as sin in the New Testament started making sense. Indeed, Jesus tried to address the irrationality of such beliefs. But, I can attest that I did feel awkward among the fervently religious. At times to be called saintly, and in the silence of the hearts, some suspected I was the result of sin. Images of the devil have also suggested impairment of some sort to me. While I denied my impairment for many years. 

 

Yet, deep down, I knew that the logical conclusion of what Leviticus had been saying was that I was unworthy of God. In that sense, I had some sympathy with the devil when he was expelled from heaven. Not that I wanted, in any way, to become God. But, rather, because I could identify of being rejected and excluded because I was physically different. Yes, the devil’s sin was that of pride but he was always represented as the ‘other’. I could relate to that feeling of otherness and rejection. Indeed, as I rekindled my passion for Eastern philosophy and Buddhism, in particular, it was I found an old childhood friend. I once again started meditating but this time wanted to further cultivate my understanding of Buddhist thought. 

 

I don’t see myself as a Roman Catholic any more but I am grateful for the teachings I got from Christianity. In a sense, I am practicing a philosophy beyond the confines of religion. I have no problem with the belief in God and also find no problem with those who don’t believe in God. However, I’m saddened when supposedly mature adults debate on whether God exists or not as their lives depended on it.

 

After all,  it’s a fact that God exists. But, here, I must explain some more.

 

Does God exist?

 

God exists. However, whether God exists as an entity, if at all, is debatable. Who is God? Even this question cannot be answered unless one is affiliated with a particular religion. In monotheism, there is a personal God but you’ll find no such God in some Eastern traditions. There are belief systems where there are plenty of gods and some were there are even good and evil gods. In Buddhism, the question of God is not really relevant. Mind you, Buddhism doesn’t deny God or accept God. Its belief system is compatible, in many ways, with science. Everything, it is observed, is a product of causes and conditions. Nothing can be its own creation. Everything is co-created or dependently arising. Thus, one can only say that Buddhism - at least Tibetan Buddhism - is a non-theistic tradition. I subscribe to that world view today.

 

New atheists and believers may go discussing whether God exists till the end of time. It might be a form of spending their time and energy and even to express themselves. However, if the issue cannot be resolved in our lifetime, why does it have to be an issue that divides us? Do we really believe that living without God means living without morality or a sense of ethics? Is a fear of punishment and desire to reach heaven the proper foundation for any morality? I think not. A crusade against religion is, in my view, not unlike a religious crusade. 

 

And this is really not what Jesus died for. His teachings invite us not to judge others and to be wise. Attainment of heaven or hell are not things that we should await because we believed or simply did good deeds. Indeed, the idea that we must live for a life beyond defies the main teachings of Jesus. I don’t think he wanted us to become so proud of our religion that, consciously or unconsciously, close our  hearts and minds to other points of  view. It’s in the intention that we perform deeds that makes them good or bad. Indeed, if one performs an act of kindness to appear kind and good to others, 

 

That act of kindness, great as it might be, is its own reward. The motivation isn’t compassion but ambition. The beliefs that Jesus tried to instil into his largely superstitious and dogmatic community were one that encouraged them to open up to the other, even to your enemies. It encouraged his community to break away to a rigid adherence to the letter of the law and instead embrace the spirit of the law. And I suspect that Jesus didn’t want a religion that was fixated on his crucifixion and resurrection. Indeed, the authentic pursuit of a follower of Jesus, indeed, would be not to follow him as you would be venerating a god but follow his teachings in your daily living. To be honest with yourself and make sure you are ready to open your awareness to your inner self and to the other. 

 

Faith, in my view, is not about believing in holy objects or even in miracles, Faith is in fully accepting and taking refuge in the knowledge, if you may, that you don’t know and that many things you will never know. To accept, as it is also rational, that you should live for the present because it is in the present that one can find true happiness. Happiness is not a location in time, happiness is is in the present. Only there can you be truly happy.

 

A Secular Easter?

 

Many Christians hold Easter to be the only reason for their beliefs. Indeed, the resurrection of Christ from the dead and his triumph over sin and evil is the most important event in the Christian calendar. It’s more important than Christmas as without Easter, or the resurrection, there would be no reason to celebrate the birth of Christ. I respect the belief in the resurrection of Christ. However, based on my background and what I have written earlier, I find that Easter has become more of a matter of tradition, for the believer and non-believer alike. Is this a bad thing? Of course, the meaning of Easter is radically different for the true believer in the resurrection and the non-believer. But then, as I try to reconcile these worlds, which, in a way, represent the younger me and the older me, can we find a common ground?

 

A fact that many remain unaware of is that Easter time was always significant  for different civilisations, and many pagan ones too. Indeed, the word ‘Easter’ itself derives from the name of an Assyrian deity, known in old Greek cults as Astarte, the goddess of sex and fertility. However, this belief in Astarte is also there because of another important event in early agriculturally based society. Easter time was also the beginning of Spring, when life can be renewed and food could be harvested after the long and cold  Winter period.

 

It is here that I dare find a way to bring the non-believer and believer closer together. For the resurrection of Christ is, for all intents and purposes, a renewal. A triumph of life over death. The transformation of the old and dead into the new and living. It’s our annual journey from the cold winter to the gentle spring in our lives. It’s an opportunity to grow and shed the old persons we were and find that we are more than we thought we are. In fact, we discover that the very act of defining ourselves is limiting who we are as whole human beings. 

 

Indeed, many times, we tend to judge things in terms of good or bad, without considering that things are not good or bad in themselves, rather what one learns from these experiences that makes a difference. The Buddha invites us to be masters of our own selves. Jesus invites us to take responsibility over our own lives. They both challenge us to be true to ourselves and not necessarily follow the law to conform and live a lie to remain safe and comfortable. This invitation is often missed and while I don’t claim to be right, I can say that, for the time being, I think  this way. My experiences have reinforced this conviction. I thought my visual impairment was the worse thing that could happen in my life, yet today it has opened my eyes to a richer life. 

 

Being a physically impaired boy was never easy, but I learned to be more open and receptive to people that others considered to be outcasts or ‘not of their kind’. It also made me to truly  understand what is meant to be ‘alienated’ in the sense that one becomes detached from his own society - similar to the worker in Marx who finds that his relation with what he manufactures is irreversibly broken and he simply becomes an object, not that different from the machine he’s using. It is that sense of being denied an individual identity that I identified with. Of being stripped of my claim to humanity itself. 

 

Today, I can say that my engagement with Buddhism has complemented the old Gordon and opened my heart and mind to a  new me who is not ashamed to assert that I accept my limitations as a human being but also know that I have strengths as well. I am also ready to admit that much of what I am today is not of my own making. Even this sense of identity and person who is writing this is, in a way, an illusion. An illusion that arises  out of an interplay between my brain and the senses. The world I live in is, thus, not as I perceive it to be. Although there’s no denying that my world from my perspective appears to be real. Yet, considering  that my sense of reality is dependent on so many factors, there’s room for doubt even about who is doing the writing. And it is here that I might look at Easter.

 

An  Empty Tomb:

 

The accounts about the resurrection of Jesus were written years after they occurred. Does that make them less credible? In a way, it does for the events taking place are a product of eye witness accounts. In a court, such evidence would be highly contestable. But does that make them of less value if they can’t be verified? Perhaps I’ve been asking the wrong questions all along. And considering the possibility of human error inn eyewitness accounts remains a stumbling block if one wants solid facts. But, then, can we ask another question. Is there another truth that we may be missing out on if we either accept or reject the resurrection?

 

I think  yes. For the resurrection, real or symbolic, represents a renewal and a transformation. The old is still there but the old is not there any more. In other words, we believe we are the same children who just grew up. But, even factually, our bodies have lost much of its old cells today. That is why we have grown. In my case, grown a little more. Yet, even our brains have changed and, thus, even our minds. In this sense, we are constantly dying and being born. To stop this process of renewal and growth is what death is. It is in this context that we can take the image of the empty tomb from a more secular point of view.

 

While we may fear to think about the tomb because it reminds us of our own impermanence and mortality, Jesus’ account redefines the symbol of the ‘tomb’ from an inevitable finality to a place of possibility. Indeed, our beings are empty of inherent existence, Buddhism says. This is not a bad thing because emptiness here must be taken to mean nothingness but is a liberation of sorts, an invitation to go beyond the limitations imposed on us by society and by our own thoughts. Indeed, the emptiness is an invitation to renew who we are. A plant will not grow where there are many plants that are taking all the nutrients and minerals. Only emptiness can make us whole by freeing us from our attachment to things that do not exist in their own right. Things that are always impermanent.

 

The empty tomb is like the womb of a mother who has just given birth. The tomb is no longer a symbol of death but a symbol of hope  in a better tomorrow. Here, a resurrected Christ. 

If the wasn’t emptiness but only fullness, the universe wouldn’t be possible. Change wouldn’t be possible. Emptiness gives us the opportunity to go beyond our boundaries but, at the same time, reminds us not to become so complacent with life because as we emerge from this emptiness, we are still one with emptiness. Our sense of who we are which appears to us to be so solid and tangible isn’t permanent. The possibility of death is not just in the death of the body but also in the death of the mind. The death of our humanity. In this light, the resurrection can mean something even for the non-believer.

 

Conclusion: A Dead God?

 

In the context of what I have said already, the resurrection resonates with our very humanity. We long for renewal. We fear to die. We hope In a tomorrow. Even if it’s not guaranteed that we find ourselves the next morning. Easter and the renewal brought about by Spring are evoked in our art, our science and in our faiths and beliefs. No matter what, even if we may be staunch non-believers, we still want to claim a little to the ever after. Deep inside, we seek to be remembered in one way or another in this life by others. It’s not relevant whether we continue living in the memories of people or in another state of existence, we seek to be remembered. The plain truth, however, is that in the distant future, no one of us will be remembered and there will be no humans in the universe. Where will we all go?

 

I cannot answer that question. For, in truth, if I think about it, not even the sense of who I am is as real and  rigid as I thought I was. Our bodies die, our minds change and our lives are finite. To me, discussing whether God  exists or not can’t be resolved in a debate of any sort. Is God really dead? Yes, the moment God becomes a word and a concept, yes, God is dead. In Judaism, it is forbidden to utter the name of God. Now I can understand why. For God is not to be understood. Indeed, God is not a being. God simply is. Moses was told that the voice speaking to him was  the “I am that I am!’. 

 

We’re wrong if we pretend to be able to define God or claim that we can accept or reject God without understanding that God, cannot be understood. In fact, by using the word I’m once again trying to own and lay claim to what I will never know or understand. And there is the death of God.

I know that not many will understand what I write, let alone agree with what I wrote here. I don’t even pretend I am right or correct in some things I wrote. I have tried to struggle with the question of existence and I know that I am wrong in so many ways. Yet if life has taught me anything and if Buddhism has taught me anything and if secularism has taught me anything is that we are called to live in the present. It’s the every day that we are invited to change and it’s at every moment of our existence that we can be happy and when we can grow.

 

It’s in this way that the Christian message ceases to be an exclusive message of Christians. It’s only in this way that a secular Easter is possible.

 

It is, at that point, when an empty tomb becomes a symbol of renewal and possibility. It’s there were admitting that God is dead is ironically an invitation to find the one “Who Is”! 

 

Thanks for reading through this very long  entry!

Who am I? - The First Question of Being

In my last entry “The Desert of Authenticity”, I promised that I would be meditating and reflecting on three questions I believe are essential in understanding our authenticity. While in these posts, I will attempt to address the the questions as they relate to being, belonging and becoming, I must say that my reflections are based on my own experiences and on the readings I’ve made throughout my 31 years of life. In this sense, these are only basic reflections that remain incomplete.

 

I believe that my life so far has been ordinary. As a boy, I was given a name, attended school and continued with my studies. I was raised in the Catholic faith tradition and received the sacraments. I got sick along the way and still get sick. I have been judged because I was physically different in many, often in contradictory terms, ranging from a pitiful and less fortunate boy to a holy person bearing Christ’s cross. I was seen as an ‘inspiration’ and as courageous. I was also some thought should be pitied.

 

I was hurt, felt angry and, I confess, was even flattered as I thought of myself as ‘special’ or, yes, even superior to others. But, in truth, all these identities were also imposed ones that were imposed on me. Even my sense of gender, culture and faith were, in a sense, imposed on me which although they have value and utility in society, they didn’t truly reflect who I was as a person but only stopped at judging who I was on the outside.

 

Unfortunately, we often confuse our sense of being with our sense of belonging. This exposes us to the risk of closing our sense of being to external and secondary interpretations of who we are. Even if I’m not saying that these identities are false, they often close our minds and hearts to other human beings as we are made convinced that we’re not like them. Instead of cultivating our authentic being, it obscures our sense of being and can, indeed, further distances us of acknowledging our basic common humanity.

 

I rote it many times before but it’s a truth that still inspires me in my practice. It’s the fact, that beyond all the world says we are or should be, we remain human beings who go through life experiencing pain and illness, we remain dependent on others to live in this world and we all must age and ultimately, die. Yet, we are constantly encouraged to escape from this reality and wasting our time and energy in vain. For if we persist in erecting further barriers between ourselves, there will never be peace. We will never be truly happy. We will never be satisfied.

 

As I end this entry, I feel that answering the question of being, we need to acknowledge that we are human beings- neither worse off than better than others. Only then can we start to change the world to the better.

 

Continues to the question What am I?

The Desert of Authenticity

This is a period where I feel a strong need of silence. It[‘ a moment where I am completely lost. A moment in my life when the old ways seem not satisfying enough. I am still searching for an answer to the most basic questions of life. I found a lot of help as I read the writings of people who have or are wiser than me and who have gained insight from their experiences. I admit that I am particularly drawn into the contemplative traditions found both in Buddhism and Christianity. I am filled with a sense of hope and mystery on reading many works written by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and the late cistercian monk, Father Thomas Merton who was a contemplative monk.

There are many reasons why I chose these figures in particular. I can say that these two people  have reawakened   a sense of being within me that acknowledges our human condition but, at the same time, transcends it. Indeed, both figures have emphasised the importance of prayer, meditation and mindfulness that is balanced by work and action in the real world. Believe or good intention is not enough if we really want to express who we truly are. I confess that I’n not sure whether this sense of dissatisfaction  which has compelled me to start changing my life,. However, there’s always that doubt where I find myself asking whether my intention to find meaning in another way life is not simply my attempt to escape reality and whether this ‘call’ I feel is really authentic or whether it’s another way to boost my sense of self and inflate my pride.

While contemplation requires us to take action, I believe, it’s essential for us to understand who we are and cultivate our compassion to others. Yet, who is this other? Who is ‘the other? In Buddhist texts, one is encouraged to cultivate compassion to those you love and are close to your heart, then to those who you are neutral to, and finally, to those who have become your enemies. But, while we may be prepared to open our hearts to the first two groups, our hearts seem to harden in face of our enemies. But, in truth, this is inconsistent even with Jesus’ call to go beyond loving those who love us and extend our love to our enemies. I’m not saying that loving one’s enemies is easy - especially when we are harmed by them. I don’t even claim I am close to attaining that degree of compassion. However,  it’s clear that these appeals for us to be compassionate  contain a  message that bids us to recognise our common humanity.

I feel burdened by the uncertainty that seems to haunt me today. I continue with cultivating my understanding of Buddhism while searching for parallels of Buddhist teachings Found in Christianity. At first, I feared that my journey into Buddhism meant that I was becoming a kind of a Christian  heretic. Yet, what I seek to find appears to fortify my resolve and commitment to a cause, I believe, is  far greater than any limited understandings of humanity based on a closed world view that is more ready to defend the law than to live the spirit of the law. I have become aware that it may be more important to me to cultivate the seeds of love and compassion and promote dialogue and genuine cooperation rather than to engage in conflict and hate in the name of doctrine and dogma. I feel it’s important to change who you are for the better rather than expect others to change first. However, that is  why it’s essential  for us to understand who we really are before we can grow. At least, I feel that we cannot truly be authentic before we ask ourselves questions and be ready to challenge our own beliefs about who we think we are.

Over these past few weeks, I came up with three questions I feel I must answer to clarify my current sense of not knowing. I will just list them with a few reflections:

Who am I?  

This question relates to being. At the most basic, who are we? Are we not ordinary human beings who must face similar stages of life? Don’t we all get sick, get old (if we make it) and die? Don’t we all suffer in some way or another in this life? Or, do I perceive myself as separate or even superior to other human beings just because I don’t really consider them worthy of my respect or compassion? Or, on the other extreme, have I 

chosen to see myself as a victim who is less than other people to escape from taking responsibility over my life? 

Read the reflection 

What am I?

This question relates to belonging. Who are those groups I have been identified with? Ho are those groups which I have chosen to be part of? What community or identity have I adopted to define who I am as a person? Does my  choice about which groups I associate with creating barriers when relating to other human beings outside my group or community?

Read the reflection.

Why am I?

This question relates to becoming. It is a question that is intrinsically linked to the questions of being and belonging. It’s a question that seeks to understand our true purpose or commitment in life. While we are meant to reflect on our being and on where we feel we belong in the world, , this question goes further as it invites us to ask ourselves what it means to be authentic to who we truly are. Simply put, it’s a question that is asking us whether we Are living in harmony with our authentic being. In addition, it is beckoning to ask ourselves whether we have thought about the meaning of our being itself and whether we have managed to find meaning and purpose to our lives.

Read the reflection to the last question.. 

Conclusion

I will end this entry here. I will be reflecting and meditating on these questions as I feel a strong need to better understand the source of my sense of loss and discovery. I hope you have the time to think about them but, of course, it’s completely up to you. I confess that the more I delve deeper into my being, the more I feel there is so much to find. I don’t know if I’ll find any answer or find peace at the end. But, I feel, that I owe it to myself and to all those around me to become a better person. 

Ultimately, this life can be thought of  as a personal call to be authentic!

The Call of Compassion

I wasn’t planning to write a post today on this blog. However, I felt that circumstances have conspired against me and I am now compelled to write. I don’t really know why. You see, since today was a day off work, I had made plans on how to spend the day. I did manage to do some of the things I planned for the morning but at around 11am my plans had to change. I fell from my wheelchair and fell on the floor on my back. Well, I might have been a comic site as I think I looked like a tortoise who fell on its back and couldn’t move but had to scream for help to be assisted back to my chair.

I am still unable to move that much now. Not that I ever move that much. But, yes, the pain is there and I can’t ignore it when I move. I am resting and I think that I need to get a good rest if I realistically want to work tomorrow. Believe me, I felt bad about all this and I was just getting better from a recent back problem! Yet, I have to say that this injury has forced me to take a break from my plans and dedicate some time to good meditation. I thought it would help me relax and deal with the many emotions that were arising within me. I feel that this daily practice is helping me to put things in a wider perspective,. For, even if my physical injury was a great concern to me, I knew that right now people from around the world are suffering more than I could ever imagine. Not that I’m implying that I’m in anyway better than them but I felt that I should appreciate the present moment, pain or no pain.

I felt that this moment of pain should be a moment to reflect on others who are facing difficult situations. I felt that any suffering I had was simply part of the human experience. Although not nice or pleasant, it can be an occasion where we grow as human beings. It’s an event that forces us to consider our vulnerability as living beings. It makes us more aware that we remain fragile to the elements and are really helpless if you consider all the things we depend on to live. Things we take for granted.

I have often been, as a disabled person, on the other side of the fence. When I was being helped or assisted. However, inasmuch as those who helped me had good intentions, they seemed to look at me as an object of pity. I was not an equal but, alas, less fortunate. I felt diminished as a human being and reduced to a subject of charity. Now, I fear this kind of ‘charity’ is not really the thing. For, an approach to helping others which starts off with the assumption that who you are helping is worse off than you, already creates a barrier of sorts between yourself and the other. . For, as you find in both Buddhist and Christian traditions, charity is not about what you have done or are doing but rather about your motivation behind your act of charity.

For, if you help me out of pity, you’re not acting out of charity. You’re not acting with compassion. You would be acting out of pride or an interest to improve your public image. In this sense, a the call of compassion demands of us to take off our own selves and respond to another person as a human being like us. It requires of us to treat another as a human being. It’s that simple. The difficulty arises when, because of the way we have grown to regard our status in the world, we perceive others who may be different from us on many levels as not really worthy human beings, or at best, lower than us.

That’s why, even if I hope that my pain goes away soon, I am grateful for this opportunity. Not because I enjoy being in pain but that this experience has reminded, me once again, of how easy it’s to forget our human reality. Howe easy it is to forget to be compassionate to others simply because we are too caught up in our private worlds.

How easy it is for us to deny our common humanity.

A Meditation around a Burning Fire

Today, I took a day off work and had the chance to eat a proper meal with part of my family. Fish was being served. During a discussion that arose during lunch time, a point was raised about fish. And how cats didn’t need the fish to be cooked in order to eat it. I know it doesn’t sound like a profound question for meditation. But, then, I started thinking… and thinking…

A question appeared following this daytime reflection. Why did we need to cook our food to eat it? Cats and other creatures didn’t complain of eating raw meat and all that, did they? There are, of course, plenty of good reasons against eating raw food, especially meat or certain seafood. Apart from protecting us against potential illnesses or diseases which may result from eating raw food, I don’t think we can’t eat really consume raw food - even if I don’t recommend. it!

Yet, a difference we have in consuming certain food is that, with the exception of fruit and vegetables (for example), someone discovered that cooked food tasted better. However, what was the discovery that, I dare say, would revolutionise our entire species? It was, indeed, the discovery of fire. Or, to be more accurate, the ability to use fire in a way that favoured our survival. It made it possible, thanks to fire, not just to eat delicious barbecues, but it enabled us to keep warm during the winter months.

Fire also protected us against potential predators and was the central focus of our early societies. Even the word “focus” has a relation to the Romantic root as you find that the Italian word for fire is “fuoco”. So, apart from being a source of warmth and safety, a place around a fire gave our ancestors a sense of community, a sense of identity and a sense of belonging. No wonder, perhaps, it has gained a deep spiritual significance.

There are, of course, an exhaustive references made to fire in Christianity and Judaism. Fire is the symbol of purification, of pure being. It is central to a God who manifest the nature of God in the tautological assertion “I am what I am!” To Moses through a burning bush that didn’t burn or its symbolic representation of the Holy Spirit. Its light is the central reference in single-pointed Buddhist meditation practice.

Sadly, we have also put fire to a bad use as well. The flame-thrower in recent history. The many Europeans burned at the stake by fellow Europeans. The many cities and cultures destroyed and ravished by their enemies indiscriminately burning down buildings to impose their superiority. These, and many tragedies that human beings have inflicted on other human beings. For what? Then we’re ready to judge nature when a forest burns and people are killed. But then, did we forget.

It’s not fire itself that is the problem. Rather, it may be the phenomenon that has made our life possible. Fire and heat still generates our life. It provides enough energy to boil the water for our power stations. It’s fascinating that fire can do so much. Perhaps it has been indirectly responsible in the changes that have happened in our brain and, even more speculatively, may be indeed the light that sparked our self-awareness! Yes, the relation between human beings and fire is complex indeed and it would be unrealistic for me to cover this vast subject here.

But what is fire? It may be a bunch of over-excited atoms giving off energy in the form of heat. Indeed, it may be real and measurable. But now it’s there an then is no more. In this it reflects our beings. Constantly changing depending on various causes and conditions. It does, in a sense, die. And yet, when it’s gone it’s as if it has never been there. It might leave a trace. But it’s not there. It’s present because we can see it or feel it. But it’s also not really there if we didn’t sense it.

And, this brings me to an end of sorts. For we know of fire because we might have directly experienced its potential to comfort us or its potential to destroy through our senses. But, how do we know, that our senses can account for a universe we hardly understand? What, indeed, is out there that we might not even have the faculties to relate to?

Can we persist in claiming we have found all the answers, when we might have not understand the mystery contained in a burning flame?

A Forgotten Childhood?

As a young boy, I was curious to know about how the world worked. I also wanted to know what life was all about. I wanted to know to gain a kind of closure and some answers to the question of why I had an impairment, when other boys my age were considered “normal” and “healthy”. I just didn’t understand why the God the priests praised so much on the altar who was so kind and loving had punished me from birth. Surely, I had done something really awful. I was a bad child of God and had to accept my fate without question. Indeed, I needed to redeem myself. If I think about it, my impairment back then was not as severe as it is today. True, I couldn’t bend my legs straight and my gait, which was described by a doctor in one medical report was a “scissor’s gait” was close enough to reality. I could still walk and run at the time but still it bothered me that in spite of what I did, I was different in eyes of others.

With all good intentions, even those close to me wanted me to become “normal” and within a culture very influenced by religious sentimentality, I was prayed on and loved ones hoped for a “miracle” to happen. I was happy as a child but I was also unhappy. For whatever I did and any efforts I made I couldn’t become “normal”. Yes, that! What was more troubling was that I identified on some level with Satan. Hadn’t be also rejected from God and cast away to an eternal torment. But, unlike Satan, I was determined to return in God’s good books. But at around 8, I started experiencing the reality outside of the safety of the home. I met new people and different children. Many looked at me through their presumptions about my physical impairment and told me that I “inspired” them and given that troubling reassurance that I was bearing the “cross of Christ”. When I felt no different than other kids my age. But, in a way, I was.

The fact was that I was made to think. I dared to doubt. And, while a spiritual revolution was taking place in my mind, I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t articulate it in a way others could understand it. I sought refuge in trying to find answers beyond me. I wanted to knoW WHY. wHY HAD MY BROTHER DIED BEFORE I COULD GET TO KNOW HIM? Why I was born this way? Why was God angry at me? Was I a saint walking on the footsteps of Christ or a sinner bearing the torment of a banished hell angel? Yes, I was happy then. But there was always that foreknowing that this life will end. And then what will become of me? And was there a God any way? Or were we at the mercy of a God who was like those Greek gods I read in some of my books that toyed around with human BEINGS AS IF THEY WERE PAWNS ON CHESS BOARD?

I THOUGHT AND THOUGHT. DURING THOSE COLD WINTER NIGHTS WHEN I LOOKED WITH AWE AT THE DARK SKY TINTED WITH SILVER STARS. THE SAME STARS THE ANCIENT EGYPTIANS HAD STUDIED A THOUSAND YEARS AGO. THE SAME STARS THAT THE BIBLE SAYS HERALDED THE BIRTH OF THE JEWISH MESSIAH. THE SAME STARS THAT GUIDED SO MANY SEAFARERS. I was connected then with the past I shared with my ancestors. The same stars that were there at the beginning of the cosmos. The same stars but not yet the same. These are still stars that may not all be there today as their light takes millions of years to reach us. Stars are a connection with the past that is no longer there.

For a young boy, these thoughts were overwhelming. So many questions. So few answers. Many of which were incomplete or beyond my understanding. And yet, nobody in my life seemed to be asking why? People who claimed they were “people of faith” appeared to be interested in winning a place in heaven and saving their lives rather than living the spirit of love and compassion and reflecting on their lives. They weren’t asking about the wonders of this universe we find ourselves in. They weren’t asking themselves why they were the lucky ones to live on Earth in the first place.

But, yes, they were interested in making more money and searching for happiness in things that never lasted. Even their aspiration to gain heaven was motivated by a hope to experience pleasure and freedom from pain. Bt they forgot that heaven was now. What happens in the future is beyond our control. It’s only now that we can change the world. It’s only now that we can change ourselves. And, yes, I gradually became the adult I feared to become as a child. True, I tended to more open to different people because, I myself, had been judged simply for being different. Yet, many of those early attachments that I hoped to never acquire, I did acquire. So, I can’t really judge.

I may choose to go deeper into my past but I am restricted by time and space.I just wanted to share these memories as I keep growing in self-awareness. As I said in early posts, I am now on a journey of self-discovery. I am engaging more in Buddhist practice. I feel a sense of peace and happiness that I can’t really express using language. But, it’s there and it’s changing my life. For the better. I don’t expect for you to understand and I certainly don’t write to convert anyone to Buddhism and to take up a daily practice of meditation and mindfulness. I am just writing after reflecting on my own experience of life. At that, my experience of life is very limited when compared to the what one can experience in the longest of human lifetimes. It is also infinitesimal if you compare it to the age of the cosmos. But, yet, as insignificant as it might be, this life is really the only thing I have.

I end this entry here hoping. Hoping that tomorrow will come. That I will be still alive tomorrow. That the Earth will be here tomorrow. That those around me are still there with me. But there’s always the possibility of change. A change that isn’t necessarily bad but, at times, also necessary if we are to continue living. Yet, tomorrow remains only a hope and whether you’re a believer or non-believer, we all hold an irrational faith in a tomorrow.

A Disability Activist and a Buddhist at Heart

When I started blogging on the Gordon's D-Zone, I intended this blog to deal with  the issue of disability as I developed my understanding of disability from a social model perspective. I retain my commitment to the cause of disabled people worldwide. I do so both as an activist and as a disabled person myself. I don't think that I will retire from this struggle for inclusion and equality until society acknowledges that people with impairment, like myself, are part of society and takes our differences into account.

Having said that, my life has led me to appreciate different things and over time I have explored various areas and developed new interests. However, my involvement in disability activism is motivated by a desire to be included as a person and as an equal to others. I want to see, for example, a philosophy that celebrates human diversity rather than one attached to certain ideals of bodily perfection. Or else, a science which doesn't assume that impairment necessarily causes a drop in one's quality off life or tries to psychologically scrutinise our minds making claims that dealing with  impairment and bereavement are, in any way, similar. I also wish that I was included as a person in religion and spirituality which sometimes have used our impaired bodies as a metaphor for sin or evil.

I have recently been admitted to hospital and, to be honest, I am still facing health issues lately. I thought it wasn't appropriate to write about this on this blog given the tendency for impairment to be associated with suffering. But, I admit, the hospital experiences I had over the last six months have led me to ask a lot of questions and delve deeper into my spiritual side. Indeed, I have been questioning the purpose of life for some months and I confess I found solace in Buddhism. Indeed, I feel that I can relate to the Buddhist outlook on life. I can't really explain it, but I feel connected to Buddhism more than I ever felt before with any world view or philosophy. I am now confident enough to be more open about it and, finally, I thought that I needed to express it on this blog - which was where my blogging all started.

It may not be   the best time to express my Buddhist confession - given it's Easter and I was brought up as a Roman Catholic. However, my embracing of a Buddhist mindset isn't a declaration where I reject all I have learned as a Roman Catholic. Indeed, I have come to appreciate the richness of both Christianity and Buddhism. This "awakening" so to speak is a personal one. I don't want anyone to follow any path that they feel goes against their religious (or other) convictions. Indeed, I will surely discover more aspects to who I am as the years pass., Life is a process and not a closed book.

Tomorrow, Christians around the world celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. In some respects, this is also an awakening. It's a renewal. Yet, the miracle of this event is, I think, that it offers hope to all of us as it illustrates that even death hasn't got the final say. Some of you might doubt whether there is an after-life or claim to be non-believers. Yes, no one has concrete proof that there's life after death or if there's anything beyond this life. The Buddha teaches us to be aware of the present moment because, in reality, our pasts are but a memory and the future is yet to be. At least, that's my interpretation. In the Buddha's outlook on life, the only thing that we can change is the present and the only person we can truly manage is ourselves. Our suffering is caused by our clinging to things that are really temporary. Well, there's my Buddhist thoughts flowing.

If you're interested to read about my journey into Buddhism, please refer to my "Buddhist" blog at ZoneMind. I assure you that I'll continue writing here from the perspective of  a disability activist.

However, at this stage, I wanted to be open about my realisation because a Buddhist understanding is now part of who I am.

More Information

Above, , I've included an entry that I published on one of the other blogs I contribute to. While in this blog, Gordon's D-Zone, I deal with issues that relate to my experience as a disabled person, I decided to rite this post in order to reveal a part of who I am that I'm discovering through my engagement with Buddhism and which many people would be unaware of. Indeed, in this entry, I tried to express how I am feel today and to raise awareness of the fact that, ultimately, my realisation is that, that of the day, I want to be treated as a human being as much as anyone else and that this also involves going beyond simply acceptingg our differences but going as far as celebrating them as part of our human diversity. Well, hope you enjoy!!!

GET IN TOUCH!

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Our Lives: Past, Present and Future

I've come a long way since I started my investigation into the meaning of life. My attempt to understand the nature of my reality. The reason for being. Indeed, I've changed a lot as I ask questions about what is happening around me: in my personal life, in my local community and within the global family. I have found a few answers and I still got many other queries that remain unresolved.

Undertaking this journey leaves you feeling rather lonely. However, paradoxically, it can leave you more connected to the world like never before. I have been helped immensely by my exploration of Buddhist thought. In fact, as I delve deeper in my understanding, I have discovered peace and happiness that I have never experienced - except in those rare occasions. I  bust admit that I had an early interst in the Buddhist tradition but was perhaps too afraid to develop this interest. That is, until  today.

Don't get me wrong. The path I chose to take is a personal choice. It isn't for everyone but the more I learn about the philosophy behind the Buddhist practice of contemplative meditation, the more I am convinced that I am getting somewhere. I still have a lot of respect for Christianity as I was brought up in this tradition. Indeed, my desire to pursue an alternative way of looking at life and living doesn't diminish my respect for the value of my past teaching. In fact, as I discover facts about Buddhism, I can't help notice significant par allels between Christian morality and Buddhist morality.

At the same time, I find that the Buddhist way of thought and analysis works for me. I have also gained a lot from my daily practice of meditation. I am finding new ways of looking at the world. I feel, for the first time, that there is something unique and precious in this life that I've taken for granted. I am sincerely grateful when I wake up in the morning - usually to start the day with a few minutes meditating about what I dreamt, the feelings I had on opening my eyes and thoughts about the day ahead.

I don't want you to think that there aren't moments when I'm sad, angry or anxious - for example. The fact that these and other emotions are part of our life. We can't help feeling angry if we feel cheated, or sad if we got bad news about a friend, or even if someone passed an unkind remark. But, if we are mindful enough of our thoughts and feelings, we can change the way we relate to ourselves and, by extension, how we relate to others.

At the end of it all, our emotions come and go. That is the nature of life - the essence of reality. The impermanence of things. And as our emotions rise and fall in our consciousness, so will our bodies one day perish. But, then, what comes next is anyone's guess. It's good to have faith in a world beyond but it's equally important to cultivate happiness now and today. Not just for your own sake but for the benefit of the entire human family.