What Can We Do? A Meditation on Action

Life changes. That's a fact we all know but people seldom think about. Every day is unique but in our fast moving world, we have created the illusion that there's such a thing as a "normal" week that includes a period of rest we call the "weekend".

 

The more I grow in my practice of various forms of meditation, the more I realise how easy it is to go through life following habit and routine without stopping and reflect on the point of it all. For, while life may seem to be going great, we night fail to appreciate the moments in which we find our peace and comfort. It's only when we realise we lost something that we start to appreciate its value.

 

We also risk believing that we have more control over our world than we really do. As life goes through its natural cycle of birth, death  and renewal, we change as well. I have gone through particularly hard times in my life recently and I can't say that I found my peace.

 

Indeed, while we may have an idea that mindfulness and meditation provides us with peaceful bliss, its proper practice also exposes us to the scars which were deeply hidden in our mind. Yet, unpleasant as they are, acknowledging their presence can help us to slowly detach ourselves from them.

 

Even if I am trying to give up my attachment to the world, I confess it's harder than I thought. I still remain attached to my pride and sometimes still crave to acquire a particular thing or position. But then again, I know how . foolish my thinking is. Yet, I can still be a fool. Acknowledging that is the first step - even if my pride gets angry.

 

The fact is that there's very little we can change in the world. There are so many factors that are permitting that we have the right conditions to keep alive that it would be impossible to list them and some I don't even know about. We also depend on the living world, including the people we live with on this rotating piece of rock. 

 

So what can we do? While we may not be able to change the world or even "save" it, there's only one thing I learned that you may find of value. You can only change yourself. Yet, until you take the time to get to know who you are, each day will remain as insignificant as the one before. 

 

Don't expect to change overnight and don't even expect it to be painless. You may even find you're failing, like I feel lately, but you should keep in mind that the real peace, freedomm and happiness we all seek is not to be found in the world but in you and in how far you're ready to recognise your littleness in the  context of the whole.

An Elusive Silence

I find it difficult to find moments of complete silence in today's wold. I remember that as a child, I could find a place at home or when I'm outside when there's almost complete silence, interrupted by the pleasant song of birds and possibly the sounds of crickets in the summer months.

I don't want to sound too nostalgic here. But, the fact that as I grow in my Buddhist practice of meditation, the more I've come to appreciate the value of stillness and silence. Unfortunately, if the silence I am seeking depended on the environment or the people around me, then returning to a past where there were times when the world seems to rest and simply become silent for just a few hours.

Today,, we are literally bombarded by a cacophony of noises, music that is sometimes too loud to bear, the sounds emanating from our mobile phones and email programmes informing us that we received a request of some kind, or a reply and so on. Requests that distract our attention from the world around us. Tools that are meant to enhance our communication but which, at times, isolate us from those who are around us.

I wonder if my own need to keep in touch with the virtual world is but an escape from facing the immediate world. Or, if this as sometimes an attempt to escape from a silence that might draw my attention to parts of who I am that I rather not explore. Parts of me that I would rather be unaware of. Painful or disturbing memories of a past that I wanted to forget. But, then what does this say about me?

If we are seeking more a life where we need to be connected with the world from the moment we wake up to the moment we are getting to sleep, what does this say about us?

The reality is that, unless we can travel to a remote part of the world where technology hasn't caught up, the reality of those who are living today in most parts of the minority world and small parts of the majority world, remains one where silence is a rarity or an impossibility. However, amidst this noisy world we have created, I still find time when I can find a silence.

It's not a silence where's there's no sound such as that found in the vacuum of space. It's the silence I find as I become aware of my breathing. As I stop moving and just rest my body and let my thoughts pass by. It's a silence where I know that I have a time when I only need to listen to the world around me and not necessarily react or respond. It's simply stopping and noticing the sounds around me, the vision I still have and be aware of the sensations of my body.

This is the silence that I may aspire to. For, even if we use our mind and body on a daily basis, we often take all this for granted. That is, of course, until we become ill or are in pain.

It is recognising the uniqueness of our present experience that we can actually enjoy life and discover that silence that provides us with the space to be who we truly are!

Is this the begining of the end of human civilisation?

This morning, I heard that North Korea appears to be arming itself for battle. At the point of writing, I don't think we should panic. However, I believe the international community should be more concerned than it has appeared to be so far. The threat of North Korea to use nuclear weapons on other countries is too horrifying to contemplate.

I'm worried because any degree of nuclear force, especially in populated areas, would mean the death of millions in a matter of hours and the impact of the nuclear attack would continue to have an impact not just the populations directly affected but to the whole world. Indeed, it would be like hell on Earth. Just do a search on the horrors of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. We can't afford a nuclear disaster as it would certainly bring about an apocalyptic end to humanity.

I hope the leaders of the world join together to find ways to bring about a peaceful solution to the conflict. Nuclear conflict will potentially bring about the fall of humanity. It's ironic that all human civilisation may be brought down by the energy of a quantum particle. It's equally ironic that a discovery which had the potential to change the world for the better could b used to destroy it. It seems that nuclear energy will remain a threat in the foreseeable future. If there is a future at all.

Yes, there is part of me that is a bit scared of the prospect of a full blown nuclear war. I fear to die and fear to live if I did survive the disaster. I fear to lose the world I know. Yet, I am also aware that our death is always a possibility that is waiting to happen. Unless we don't choose to end our lives, the day and hour of our death remains a mystery to us. I know that this is out of my control but I can only hope and pray that world leaders take the right decision. One that is peaceful and open to dialogue.

Of course, North Korea might remain closed and obstinate in its deadly plans. I'm sorry for the people of North Korea because they have been cut off from the world to the extent that they might not even realise that these actions by its totalitarian ruler could bring about their end and all that we have build together as human beings. This is the time to talk and communicate. It's time to listen and receive. But, then, we may still find ourselves having to face the end of human civilisation.

No, this isn't going to be the end of the Earth. Humanity might leave considerable damage to life on this planet. But, as history tells us, life will prevail and continue to multiply. In this sense, the world doesn't need us to save it. Rather, we have to admit that we may need to be saved from our own selves.

We seem to have continued our old ways in spite of the fact that we knew the environmental damage we were doing everyday. We have gone through our lives building walls between each other based on superficial differences.

Perhaps this is the right time to start building bridges and reconcile together. A time when we can appreciate te the fact we have a common humanity and to celebrate our human diversity.

Even if we may be too late to save ourselves, we still hope in the future. Nobody knows the future. But, we all must die at one point or another. A time may come, hopefully in the distant future, when we will realise how stupid it was of us to think that our lives will remain the same forever. However, when that time comes and we fail to appreciate our Earth and all the people and beings that surround us, we will have to admit that we never enjoyed what we had but now was too late to do anything.

The Way of Water

Today, I chose to talk about water. A simple enough molecular structure composed of two hydrogen and one oxygen atom. Everyone needs it and, no, you don’t need any chemical formula to appreciate its value. Water is an example of a liquid that much to teach us about reality and about ourselves.

It’s a liquid that changes structure depending on the environment. It can be ice, snow, rain or steam. In each case, the experience of water changes but, at its foundation, it is still composed of the same molecules. Water may come from the river, the ocean or through the sea. But it remains water and it’s continuously being recycled as it shifts back and forth from the solid, liquid and gas states. The same water falling as rain in New York is not that different than the rain falling in China a few days later. Water droplets are, of course, not exactly the identical ones as they are distinct but, in essence, they are similar.

In this sense, humanity is like water. We constantly change the way we look, the way we think and what we believe. But, at the core, we remain human beings facing the same challenges of life. However, water itself is something that has been instrumental in the creation of life on Earth. Our bodies cannot survive without it and we are mostly made up of water. All our organs depend on it to keep working. Without it, we will die. On the other hand, water can kill us if we drown in it. Water helps us survive but can also be a destructive force when it causes flooding or organises into a tsunami.

Thus, it is only in moderation that water is sustaining and preserving. Excesses at both extremes can either lead to dehydration or suffocation. Water can cause hypothermia. And when you realise how vital water is for our survival and how it makes up over two-thirds of the world’s surface, you quickly realise how, if we continue to pollute our seas with waste, chemicals, nuclear material and oil., we may be compromising the future of all living beings and condemn us to extinction. Lacking an impending space programme that permits us to live on other planets, the water we have on this planet is the only source that can keep life going.

We may have bad experiences of water. W e may have been close to drowning, have an entire life and livelihood because of a flood. You may have even lost loved ones because of the sea. Yet, even if it’s no consolation, water itself is not good or bad, it just follows its nature. We, on the other hand, can adapt to the world and even change our reaction to life. At the same time, like water droplets, we are different in our own ways but so much alike in so much, much more than we want to admit..

For a start, we all depend on water as long as we live.

The Wisdom of Pearls

Pearls remain one of the most valued objects today with the smallest costing from a few hundred dollars to ones costing up to thousands. There may be many reasons people are priced so high. After all, they are produced by a natural process, by a mollusc, a living being, and, yes, they evoke a certain beauty and perfection.

It was at a seafood restaurant that I wondered about pearls. In theory, molluscs such as mussels may produce one. But pearls are often associated with oysters. But, if oysters and other such organisms, are capable of producing a pearl, why don’t we find one every time we get on? On doing some research, I discovered that the pearl, in fact, is the product of an oyster’s attempt to gain relief from discomfort.

Indeed, since molluscs are confined to their shells, there is no way to remove a splinter such as a speck of sand. So, using a substance called “nacre”, it gains relief from its discomfort. Incidentally, “nacre” is the same substance it uses to create its shell. Thus, one can say that a pearl, is in fact, created because the oyster wants to get some kind of peace and rest.

That is why not all oysters which grow in nature have pearls. In a way, oysters who are forced to form a pearl are unwell. Yet, we value the most those pearls which, out of their attempt to gain freedom from pain, create one of the most beautiful object, we - as human beings - find of value. Yet, for the oyster itself, a pearl is somewhat not unlike a scar that cannot be removed but lies there as a constant reminder of an unhappier past.

What does this have to do with us? Well, in today’s society we tend to look at pain of every form as the great evil awhile we view pleasure as the most desirable. But, we forget that while pain and discomfort may not always be necessary, at times we must go through a certain degree of pain and discomfort to grow. And while, during hard times, we may be tempted to escape from an unpleasant reality, the fact that the more we resist our discomfort, the more it will hurt us.

Here, perhaps we can learn from the oyster. While the oyster cannot get rid of a splinter, it uses its own body to make it part of her. However, it does not stop there but keeps the painful intrusion at a safe distance. In this way, while the oyster and the pearl remain connected to each other in one way, the fact is that the oyster is also able to gain relief and carry on with life.Thus, it accepts the pearl into her home but, at the same time, is detached from it.

How many times in our life have we made mistakes>? How many times were we in pain or in an uncomfortable situation? How many times have we felt ashamed of ourselves? I can say that there were quite a few in my life. Yet, can I change them if they happened years ago? Can I change them if their cause remains beyond my control?

The thing is that many times, we cannot change our pasts. So, like oysters, we need to accept that discomfort. However, with the benefit of hindsight and experience or our “nacre”, we can turn our pain into something that is of value and precious, the way we live our life, or our “pearl”. Even if, unlike oysters, we all have to face splinters of pain or discomfort, we all have the potential to change something that is negative into a positive future.

But, first, perhaps we must stop fighting reality if we know we can do nothing about it. And, yes, we cannot avoid to go through a degree of further pain and discomfort to start to heal.

Random Reflections on Death

Last Thursday, I woke up to what appeared to be going to be just another. day. True, I was still recovering from my back pain and even today, I am still completely pain free. Thankfully, my arthritis isn’t giving me significant problems and I went to work as usual. Yet, I insisted that it was just another day. But, was it? For that matter are the days of our life all the same? Why we forget that, as far we know, anything could happen at any point during the day or night.

Indeed that night, the right side of my body went, for most, tingly and numb. In spite of the fact that this has happened already months before, I was very scared as my circulation returned. In that state of fear and helplessness, one of my worries were because I wasn’t sure of what was happening and couldn’t control it! I was afraid to lose my self there and then. Perhaps I had remained too much attached to who I was. Yet again, there was a fear of where I would go if I would die.

In reality, I realised that I could do nothing. That, at that point, I just needed to let go for anything that is meant to happen and which was beyond my power, will happen.

Surprisingly, there are feelings of anger and fear that emerge once in a while following this experience. I still have to deal with those. However, my feelings may be coming from the realisation that my life may end just like that and how important to do my best when I’m still alive,

Haiku Flow: The Dark Night

I fear the dark night

The allure of sleep, forever.

I cannot escape.

 

Originally posted at:  Haiku Flow: The Dark Night

The 'Normality' of Impairment

Since I adopted a Buddhist outlook on life, I've felt that I've found home. Yes, my experience is subjective and very personal. I don't claim that other ways by which people can create meaning in life are of less value. Thus, I don take any radical position that is extremely secular or religious but focus on its consistence to truth. What I seek to build is and attain a state of genuine love and compassion.

At times, I do forget that by now, I should have gone beyond limiting who I am as, say, defining who I was solely on the basis of my impairment and social disability. This doesn't mean that I've abandoned my commitment to promote equality and uireinclusion. However, this requires me to adjust my approach inachieving equality. I recognise today how a dialogue of reconciliation was far better than one based on confrontation.

After all, while contemporary society still tends to describe me as 'abnormal' and even 'special', this same society forgets that people with impairments are the 'real human norm'. For, as long as we live, we will continue to regress both physically and mentally as we age. of course, we may age differently in old age. Yet, by denying the everyday reality of impairment we are also denying the human value of others whose life is consistent with reality.

Through a personal commitment to rediscover true happiness in my life and reclaim my humanity, I may invariably erected barriers with those who appeared to oppress me. The irony, Oc course, what this result was the last thing I wanted.

That's why I feel more connected with those I might have considered enemies. That's why I believe in taking the first step and take it from there.

I was surprised at what an approach based on the values of love and compassion can have on my own happiness and peace!!!

The Unrreality of Time

Today, I wanted to share some reflections on time. I noticed that my preoccupation with time started from a young age. While human beings appear to value time and even obsessed about rituals centred on time, keeping track of time had practical applications.

Indeed, time keeping was essential for agriculture, navigation and early astronomy. The significance of time is also evidenced by the fact that is also a concern of religion. In this sense, the fact that we defined time also suggests that we might have been trying to get to terms with death and the inevitability of impermanence. In fact, it may be argued that world religions which believe are a source of hope in n after-life.

All humans in general, fear death and do their utmost to avoid talking about death. While belief in a better after-life may some individuals to go on living, the danger is when people in an attempt to escape from dealing with their impermanence, go on believing that they will not die or that their truth is the only valid truth.

Consequently, instead of using their life to help others, they fixate on saving the world and divide themselves on the basis of faith. However, our thoughts are often caught in an illusion called time.

For time itself, is not real. Our experience of life stretches to a number of about more than a 100 years. While we might now that there are beings that are still living for thousands of years, we just cannot relate to such long lifetimes.

Similarly, we can't ignore that our perception of time depends other factors such as awareness of movement and space and conscious awareness. So while time is a useful concept, it doesn't exist in its own right!

The Shackles of Attachment

We may go on through life chasing a dream, drowning our pain and failure in pleasure. We may even obsess about achieving a position, making more money and buying possessions which, we become convinced, will make us happy. We may lose ourselves in the pursuit of a love interest or, on the other extreme, strive to escape from the reality which we feel is the cause of our unhappiness.

While our circumstances and positions of life may indeed be the source of our suffering, we cannot address our unhappiness if we aren’t aware of who we are. For, in searching for external factors to find our happiness won’t solve the problem on its own. If when I was a teenager, I had remained attached to the past when I could walk more, I might have probably achieved nothing in my life - except perhaps hoping in a miracle.

However, I took a more pragmatic approach and invested in a wheelchair. Even if I was reluctant to be seen using my wheelchair, I had to accept that my life changed and I couldn’t cling to a past that was no more. Over the years, I did have moments when I recall, with nostalgia, the many things I used to do as a child. Yet, I also recognise that in letting go of my attachment to an idealised past, I was choosing to live. Of course, many have described my life in many ways for continuing to live on.

Yet, the way I see it, I followed a very human quality we all have. I adapted to new circumstances. Part of that adaptability requires of us to let go of our attachments or to afflictive desires. We must adapt to change, for if we didn’t change, we would die to life. We would suffer the pains of dissatisfaction or dukkha. The only way to move on is to recognise that as long as aren’t prepared to recognise the illusion of our wanting, we will never be truly happy.

For, whether we accept it or not, life changes all the time. Even our identities, self-definition, religion, philosophies, politics, or aspirations are not permanent. Yes, they may form important parts of who we are today, but they are not us. Who we are goes beyond all the shackles that hinder our full being, clouds that hide from us our authentic beings and barriers that create divisions between each other.

Today, as a practicing meditator following Buddhist principles, I acknowledge how many identities I have adopted in an attempt to fit in a world, I felt didn’t understand who I was. I still feel isolated at times and misunderstood as well. However, I realise that before I expected the world to accept who I was, I was the first who has to make an effort to understand the world. Even if people still binds me to a social position and a fixed identity, I acknowledge the fact that I remain a human being.

For all I am doing or what I am doing is only borne out of a need to assert my human status. Even if I may identify more closely with certain groups of people, I am learning the importance of cultivating a compassion that genuinely seeks to understand others. A compassion where I listen and not jump to conclusions. A compassion that recognises our basic vulnerability and dependence as human beings.

For nothing in this world will last forever. A life that seeks happiness in material things on their own is doomed to be a life of dissatisfaction. It’s only when we accept life as it is and do our best to reduce unnecessary suffering can we be truly happy. It’s only when we open our heart to who we are and to the hearts of others can we be truly satisfied.

Nothing else matters...

The Mystery of Being Human

Two questions:

Who are you?

Who am I?

Some personal reflections…

Are we our body?

Are we our faces?

Are we our voice?

Are we our thoughts?

Are we our feelings or emotions?

Are we our actions?

Are we our personalities?

Are we our name?

Are we our position?

Are we our language?

Are we our faith or belief?

Are we animals?

Are we spiritual beings?

Are we here for a purpose?

Is there an answer?

I find that these are a few of the many questions that I am growing aware of as I practice contemplative Buddhist meditation. There are so many aspects of who we are that we may be forced to define as distinct concepts as if they had an existence of their own.
Yet, a profound meditation on the nature of being forces me to consider that perhaps who I am is neither one or more of the characteristics we often define ourselves with. Our bodies, minds and voices to an extent determine our outer and physical appearance. Our inner being is expressed through a multitude of ways which include those we were born with and others we acquire through social contact. However, we are not our emotions. We are not our voice. We are not our states of mind. We are neither our name or our religion.

Yet, we often choose to belief the illusion that the reality that we express through communication is, in fact, reality itself.

With all the good intentions, some take extreme views to explain the human condition. On one hand, there are those who view reality only in terms of physical objects. There exist nothing beyond what science can measure. On the other hand, there are those who insist that the physical or material reality - although present - isn’t really what makes us humans. I recall some citing a saying to the effect that, it claims, we are spiritual beings trapped in human bodies.

Inasmuch as these accounts contain part of the truth about being, both views seem to hold a limited view of being. For what is a human being? As long as we are alive on this planet, we remain physical beings. At the same time, we are capable to extend our awareness beyond ourselves. We can think. But, contrary to Descartes, we are not who we are because we think. Rather, being is primary to thinking.

Indeed, who we are arises out of aa complex relation between our internal and external realities which give rise to a sense of being. In this respect, we are all of the things that we choose to be but who we are, ultimately, transcends all else. We are beyond concepts.


Once again, I return to being? What does it mean to be me? Who are we really? I believe that we can only find an answer if we stop asking and start listening. For, in silence and with a sincere desire to know, we may find that what we conceive or perceive are but a mystery.

Yes, we may reduce consciousness to a biological process involving interaction between neurones in the brain. We may even deny that there is any reality beyond matter. But, if who we are is an illusion which, in some ways, it is. Then who is asking the question to begin with?

Who is the ‘I’ that is doing the asking?

Who is asking ‘who am I’?

I am!

Now what?

A Time for Contemplation

A HAIKU...

In contemplation

Finding self in nothingness

A sad happiness.

MANY RANDOM REFLECTIONS...

I am still trying to understand the thoughts and feelings that are going through my mind and which have touched my heart. I have meditated regularly over the course of the months I started this blog. I have grown in many ways but, today, I feel very different than the person I was before. Although I have shaved my hair and am more aware of my appearance, the changes I speak of are not physical. They can’t be studied through the lens of a microscope or even described in terms of letters, words are by using conventional language or one that relies on signs and symbols, sounds or phonemes. Indeed, language may even be a barrier in explaining what I feel inside.

I drafted this entry more than one time. The truth is that I can’t find the right words to express what this experience is all about. The haiku I presented above comes close to expressing the feeling, this realisation and this wisdom. For only in silence, do I seem to find noise. Only in stillness, do I find motion. Only in quietude , do I find distraction. Not that silence and stillness give rise to disorder but the fact that I realise that the chaos I now perceive was always there. It was part of me all along. But who was I? What am I now?

A few questions…

Who am I without the world and all nature that sustains my mind and body, provides me with air, food and water?

Who am I without my family, friends, community, culture, or society?

Who would I be if I had no mother to bring me to the world?

I only know the answer to the last one. If I had no mother to bring me to the world, I wouldn’t be here. And, many times, we don’t realise how precious this life of ours is. We seek money, power, status or whatever lights our negative desires. We hate, envy, hate, kill and judge because we think we are more worthy and perhaps more holy. But then, what will remain of our life if we burn our time and energy in the pursuit of an unattainable happiness?

I feel I must ask these questions. I don’t pretend to have the answers. I, myself, still struggle with these desires that inflate the importance of human possessions. This isn’t saying that I don’t think that all we seek to live a better life is bad or unimportant. What I’m saying that I realise that if these things come before other people or are the reason for harming others, then they become destructive.

For, as I am reminded during my meditation, I cannot claim to own anything in my life. I haven’t created my body or mind. I haven’t created the world I live in or the universe. I just found myself here. And, really, I can’t even say that my self is truly the product only of my will or effort. My very survival depends on other people. Other people depend on me. Our lives are separate, yes, but still connected.

I feel burdened by these thoughts. I sometimes feel like crying. For, it seems that I am returning home. To a place where I was always meant to be. A place I was before I was born. But, I admit, I am confused. I feel a calling. Or should that be “hear a calling”? For, this “voice” which is calling has neither words and language.

It is a “voice” that speaks to me in silence. One that reveals to me my own vulnerability and weaknesses. A “voice” that challenges my preconceptions and previous world view so radically that I cannot speak or think of any counter-argument. A “voice” that questions my core belief that I am a self that is totally separate from other human beings. A “voice” that forces me to see my own reflection in everyone, including those which society has defined as “monsters”.

Am I trying to escape life through contemplation? Am I being sincere and authentic in my pursuit of peace and happiness? Is this another excuse to give up on what I started earlier in my life? A flight of fancy? Only to be destroyed as I grow older?

I'm not sure of the answers. I never felt this way. It's like, suddenly, life makes sense. Life has a deeper meaning than ever before. And, yet, life also appears so absurd and so unreal. For all seems to be bound to cease. All life must die. All matter will dissipate. And, then, who will I be?

Can I remain untouched by this realisation? Can I ever resolve all these contradictions? I feel there is something missing in my life that I'm only discovering now. Perhaps I always knew it but was too enchanted by an illusion that happiness can be found beyond me when it can only find myself.

And, then, I shouldn't even be asking, "Who am I?" but, rather, I should be asking "what is I”? For, apart from the person that I present to the world, there is an essence I cannot name. A part of me beyond time, mass or space. You may call it God. But that is such a charged word.

I feel I can’t find peace in my heart until I am.

I need to change.

I may be sorry and even disappoint some people whom I love and respect for not living the life I also thought I wanted.

That is why that I need to seriously reflect and meditate about the step. For the consequences may be radical and, I admit, I still feel so confused and unsure of my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

But, then, what if this sense of being was authentic?

Can I risk living a life that, happy as it may turn out to be, remains disconnected from my authentic being?

Can I persist In ignoring or avoiding this feeling of being that is full of contradictions because I’m afraid that I’ll find nothing at the end of my journey?

I only know that I feel I need to know. Or at least ask the question. For, hard as it may be, living the life that is authentic is the best way to live. Any other existence would be so empty and vain.
I am not sure if this entry makes any sense or if it will make sense when I read it in the future. A future that is unknown to us. A future that is beyond us. And, yes, we act as if the future was a guarantee when it’s only a promise. A promise that includes only one certainty - the certainty of death.

It may sound sad to speak of death again. Yet, it’s death that should remind us of the urgency of living a life to the best of our being. It is death that should make us willing to see ourselves in others. It is this realisation of death which should awaken our hearts to our common humanity. It is only when we fully appreciate the lessons of death that we can ever come to appreciate how valuable and precious our life is. And how insignificant we really are in face of the wider universe. I wonder why I have abandoned my childhood innocence to pursue more temporal and unsatisfying things.

But, early on, I was introduced to an ethics based on pride and perfection. I was taught to be proud of my country, my language, my culture and my “God”. My, my, my! I was taught that I had to succeed and that failure was a sign of weakness. But I was the last person to be an example of perfection but, yes, I was proud!

Now, I witness a far greater reality and, again, I return to the beginning. I haven’t structured this entry because I’m unsure where to start or finish. I feel lost and found. I feel happy and sad. I feel calm and restless. I want to speak but remain speechless. I understand but I don’t know. I am nothing but I am.

I could go on forever and, apologies. Apologies for going on at such length. But, I had to express this confusion for, even if limited and somewhat distorting, this flow of feelings may actually start making sense. Perhaps not today. But they may in the unforeseeable future.

A Meditation around a Burning Fire

Today, I took a day off work and had the chance to eat a proper meal with part of my family. Fish was being served. During a discussion that arose during lunch time, a point was raised about fish. And how cats didn’t need the fish to be cooked in order to eat it. I know it doesn’t sound like a profound question for meditation. But, then, I started thinking… and thinking…

A question appeared following this daytime reflection. Why did we need to cook our food to eat it? Cats and other creatures didn’t complain of eating raw meat and all that, did they? There are, of course, plenty of good reasons against eating raw food, especially meat or certain seafood. Apart from protecting us against potential illnesses or diseases which may result from eating raw food, I don’t think we can’t eat really consume raw food - even if I don’t recommend. it!

Yet, a difference we have in consuming certain food is that, with the exception of fruit and vegetables (for example), someone discovered that cooked food tasted better. However, what was the discovery that, I dare say, would revolutionise our entire species? It was, indeed, the discovery of fire. Or, to be more accurate, the ability to use fire in a way that favoured our survival. It made it possible, thanks to fire, not just to eat delicious barbecues, but it enabled us to keep warm during the winter months.

Fire also protected us against potential predators and was the central focus of our early societies. Even the word “focus” has a relation to the Romantic root as you find that the Italian word for fire is “fuoco”. So, apart from being a source of warmth and safety, a place around a fire gave our ancestors a sense of community, a sense of identity and a sense of belonging. No wonder, perhaps, it has gained a deep spiritual significance.

There are, of course, an exhaustive references made to fire in Christianity and Judaism. Fire is the symbol of purification, of pure being. It is central to a God who manifest the nature of God in the tautological assertion “I am what I am!” To Moses through a burning bush that didn’t burn or its symbolic representation of the Holy Spirit. Its light is the central reference in single-pointed Buddhist meditation practice.

Sadly, we have also put fire to a bad use as well. The flame-thrower in recent history. The many Europeans burned at the stake by fellow Europeans. The many cities and cultures destroyed and ravished by their enemies indiscriminately burning down buildings to impose their superiority. These, and many tragedies that human beings have inflicted on other human beings. For what? Then we’re ready to judge nature when a forest burns and people are killed. But then, did we forget.

It’s not fire itself that is the problem. Rather, it may be the phenomenon that has made our life possible. Fire and heat still generates our life. It provides enough energy to boil the water for our power stations. It’s fascinating that fire can do so much. Perhaps it has been indirectly responsible in the changes that have happened in our brain and, even more speculatively, may be indeed the light that sparked our self-awareness! Yes, the relation between human beings and fire is complex indeed and it would be unrealistic for me to cover this vast subject here.

But what is fire? It may be a bunch of over-excited atoms giving off energy in the form of heat. Indeed, it may be real and measurable. But now it’s there an then is no more. In this it reflects our beings. Constantly changing depending on various causes and conditions. It does, in a sense, die. And yet, when it’s gone it’s as if it has never been there. It might leave a trace. But it’s not there. It’s present because we can see it or feel it. But it’s also not really there if we didn’t sense it.

And, this brings me to an end of sorts. For we know of fire because we might have directly experienced its potential to comfort us or its potential to destroy through our senses. But, how do we know, that our senses can account for a universe we hardly understand? What, indeed, is out there that we might not even have the faculties to relate to?

Can we persist in claiming we have found all the answers, when we might have not understand the mystery contained in a burning flame?

A Day of Rest?

First, a haiku:

 

Just a  day of rest

 

I hoped for but never got.

 

Perhaps tomorrow?

 

Now, a few thoughts…

 

I didn’t mean this entry to be long. I am tired and need to rest. Indeed, I’m planning to take time off work tomorrow and forget, for a day, about work or life in general. I plan to rest. I made this promise to myself so many times. But there’s always something that comes up. And I keep  postponing. 

 

In our fast moving world, we often find that we have less time to think and reflect. With all its progress, I find that technology does encourage us to be reactive rather than reflective. Instead of being witness to life, we are becoming passive and impulsive. It’s not all bad but I do feel that people in general are losing touch with the real world but are escaping into their virtual spaces.

 

Since I committed myself to a regular practice of meditation, I feel calmer and more   focused. I regained that childlike fascination with the world I thought I had forever lost. I do still revert   to the “adult mode” at times but I try to be more aware and, restrain myself from cynicism (with varied success). However, I believe that I’ve wasted a lot of my life pursuing that which wasn’t really important. Of course, I don’t expect any radical changes but these, indeed, may take some time.

 

There are so many values that I have claimed to hold true but didn’t entirely live up to. There are valid reasons for that. But you may call them excuses. I have claimed to be honest. to be kind. To be less judgmental. But I did falter over the years. I could blame external factors and, at times, these have been valid reasons for my actions. But we may hold on beliefs and world views that are essentially good and positive but persist in living a life that oftentimes contradicts the core beliefs that we claim to hold. 

 

So we have fundamentalists who restrict their world view to the extent that they and members of their chosen few are living rightly. Of course, I don’t expect you’re a fundamentalist reading this blog. But we do share aspects of fundamentalist belief in our life. We do sometimes hold to a “fundamentalism” based on science, philosophy and ideology. As a consequence,  we close ourselves to our own worlds and to our own values. Good as they may be, any value system that puts itself over all else and which excludes any others indiscriminately can be destructive

 

Nobody can change who we are - even  if they may break our spirits. It takes time and lots of practice but it’s necessary that we take the time to practice. To undertake our commitment to change. To take responsibility over our own lives. I’m not saying that it’s easy or that things will turn out well quickly. Indeed, life might get worse but, at the end of the day, we can be open and active in our pursuit of happiness. This, even to me, would have sounded unrealistic and just talk. But, then, I think it’s worth to try become a better person who lives in the present. One person who hasn’t forgotten to wonder at the world and the universe with child’s eyes that are supported by wisdom that grows from knowledge, experience and reflection.

 

On the end of another day, I am exhausted but at peace as the night approaches and the sky darkens. But, then again, there is the moon and the stars that offer hope that even in our darkest hours, there is still hope - however faint and weak. There is hope that fills our darkest skies  into masterpieces of the cosmos. But, how often, have we stopped and looked at the night sky? With my vision, I admit it’s difficult to make out the stars and perhaps I may catch a glimpse of the moon. But I recall the times in the late hours of the night looking at the night sky in awe. For, I really felt that I was nothing compared to what was out there. That our planet Earth was like a speck of sand lost in a boundless ocean. The memories are still there somewhere. But I am only now that I’m rediscovering the beauty of all that surrounds us. And while there were many nights we try to forget or intoxicate ourselves for the sake of fun and entertainment, we just miss to witness all this.

 

Day by day, I commit myself to grow in awareness. I want to be a more active participant in the world. I want to be more open to others. I will fail. Yet, every step forward is progress. Now it’s really time to sleep.  I will take more  time to rest tomorrow. In fact, I hope to rest for the whole day. Rest is important. If not for anything else, it will give me time to reflect, relax and recharge my mind and body. It’s a day when I hope to get more in touch with the world and to grow in my self-knowledge.

 

A hope…

 

Perhaps tomorrow will really be a day when I rest...

In Search of Perfect Peace

First, a haiku...

I sought perfection.

To find nothingness and death

Barren, perfect peace.

Now, a few reflections…

There is a sense of peace as I write this entry on the last day of my Easter break. Indeed, I feel well enough to  return to work tomorrow. I did  a lot of writing and soul-searching in the past weeks and, to be honest, I feel rather worn out. Of ideas, at least.

There was so much to process over the last weeks that I can’t believe that it all happened just like that. The time I spent at hospital is now but a memory. As I slowly return to my usual routine, all that happened before seems so irrelevant and, yes, unreal. The only thing that remains is the insight I have gained from that experience. I feel that I’ve given so much of myself over the last weeks or two. Now, I’m ready to receive and bear witness to life.

But is this real peace?

When we talk of peace, we usually think of a state where there exists no conflict and we have no more to worry about. We dream of achieving an ultimate state of perfection. When all things go as we have planned. When reality matches our dreams and aspirations. But, this isn’t how life works. That perfect peace is but an illusion that causes so much unnecessary suffering. It deprives us of an opportunity to change. It turns living into mediocrity.

I don’t know what motivated me to write on peace and perfection. Perhaps it’s an attempt to understand why there comes a point when I really have nothing to say. A point When we have  to admit that we must be receptive to the world around us. A moment in time when our minds have to let go of their preconceptions and tendency to judge. Yes, I have sought perfection and peace as I saw them -   but achieving both could bring about a kind of death. Not necessarily a physical one but more of a spiritual one.

For the real  peace I seek should be one that celebrates  life and embraces change. For life is, in truth, change. A person who doesn’t grow or renew is but a corpse - devoid of life and lacking the spirit of humanity. I, myself, have struggled with the idea of perfection. I felt that I could never be at peace if my body wasn’t close to the ideal body that society so glorified and commended. I was, indeed, physically impaired and, later, acquired a visual impairment. These didn’t fit well with the bodily ideal of perfection that I was exposed to. We dream of a time when we will end all this material suffering. Yet, I dare ask whether if we really become “perfect”, would this world truly be a better place? If we became “immortal” and retain our youthful energy, would that make us better humans?

Again, I don’t have the answers. What I know is that over the years I always depended on others in some way or another. I have felt moments when I did hate my body for being limiting and restrictive. Yet, today, I have come to realise that society had a role to play in making me feel unwanted, unwelcome or even  a burden. And yet, I’m not totally  dependent on others. On the contrary, I’m sure that others depend on me. But even if I didn’t, would that reduce my value as a person? Is our worth as humans dictated by what we do?

I’m afraid that in the West where the economy has gained considerable influence and power over our lives, we are being valued more for what we do rather than on who we are. The simple fact is that we are commodifying life. We are treating other human beings like us as property. Suddenly, people are defined in terms of economics. Make no mistake, this is modern slavery. And we accept it because we have become too attached to the material fruit of this state of affairs. There’s nothing wrong with that. Indeed, I really enjoy the good things that the modern world has made possible. Indeed, if I think about it, it would be unimaginable for me to reach the world through writing if it weren’t advances in technology, in political and social organisation and, yes, in our economy.

However, the danger is when we become slaves to this material wealth. It is then when we lose sight of the important things in life. It’s than that money takes the place of human life. It’s then when we have regress. It’s when we persist in perceiving ourselves as separate and independent individuals that the tragedy happens. When countries fail to intervene  while there’s still hope that lives can be saved that we fail. We can never be separate. We can never claim to be independent.

I end this rather unstructured post with hope. Hope that the world will one day be at peace. This isn’t saying that I hope that  all disease will be eradicated (not that isn’t commendable). Nor that people will not age or die any more. I can’t hold on to  unrealistic hopes. Painful as they might be, These realities, I learned, are an intrinsic part of the process of life. Without them, change wouldn’t happen and new life would be impossible.

What I hope is that we, me included, recognise our essential humanity - our essential common experiences. For whatever your creed or belief, you must face the same stages  of life as anyone else, including death. This is the  reality. We may choose to waste our lives pursuing a perfection that isn’t there and a peace that doesn’t really satisfy us. When instead, we should appreciate what we have and, yes, improve on it. But not at the cost of losing our compassion and ability to relate to other human beings as persons and not as objects.

When Buddha was teaching the four noble truths, the first truth he taught was that “life is dukkha”. The word “dukkha” is a Pali word which has been  inaccurately translated as “suffering”. However, a more accurate  translation of the word “dukkha” is “dissatisfaction”.  A dissatisfaction that cannot be resolved until we stop hanging on to our attachments - whether they are material or abstract in nature.

Paradoxically, we may find peace in our lives and discover perfection in our lives when we recognise that peace and perfection aren’t in the future. That in reality they can be found in our  ordinary everyday lives. If we are prepared to  receive.  and

Is this the authentic peace we are seeking? Is this a perfection that transcends all things?

You decide...

Letting Go - A Haiku Trio

Hopes and dreams may die,
Now, a tree may yield no fruit.
Living on thru death.

Like our hopes and dreams,
A dying wish can give life,
To other beings.

And fresh hopes and dreams,
May grow from dwindling visions,
First we must let go!

You might want to read the commentary for this haiku now.

Location:Mater Dei Hospital, Msida

A Hospital Retreat - Part 2

Continues from Part 1
Now seven days since I was hospitalise. I can't deny that this stay, like all the others before, don't upset my daily routine and force me to confront an aspect of life we often forget or choose to avoid acknowledging. For, in spite of all progress in our standards Oc living, many face the reality of illness and old age. And no one can really escape death.

My life right now appears almost unreal. I do sometimes feel as if this will never end. Yet, as I take the time to apply what I learned from my Buddhist teachings, I realise that this too will pass. However, even if the temptation is to avoid thinking of the pain I'm going through, I am realising that dealing with this experience as it manifests itself leaves me feeling more peaceful and serene.
This insight into this suffering seems to be counter-intuitive. Yet, accepting what is happening right now as it happens does help free the mind from intensifying the suffering as it considers the future while it gives you back some control over your life. After all, the fact that we all get ill and many of us will get old is an inescapable part of life. Death is also inevitable.

There's a certain sadness that emerges from considering these three realities so central to buddha's teachings. We are too attached to the idea that we can remain closed to accepting that life is impermanent and temporal. But, then we risk loosing a very precious truth about our human condition. That, in spite of their repulsiveness, illness, old age and death; all connect us. All affect us as living beings. All reveal that other differences based on other aspects of who we are such as race, gender, disability, faith and sexual orientation; are only secondary to our basic humanity.

These three realities not only define us as humans, they can be the source and motivations behind our greatest achidvements.
I don't know how long I'll be here in hospital. But, as I said before, I'll try to make the best of it. Of course, I will do my best to regain my health. Bug, equally important, I want to grow spiritually and appreciate more the life I have and receive the present moment with an open heart and awakened mind.

Related entries:
Letting Go - A Haiku Trio

Location:Mater Dei Hospital, Msida

A Hospital Retreat - Part 1

Last Tuesday, I was admitted to hospital to undergo a number of rtests so that doctors can figure out what was causing the problems I was having recently. Here, it's not my intention to talk about my health issues. Yet, every time I'm admitted to hospital reminds me of how unpredictable our lives really are. This week, I had to deliver a presentation at a local conference but even if I had prepare everything for the following Friday, I found myself on a hospital bed. We can and make plans for the future, but it would be foolish for us to get too attached to them. This realisation of impermanence appears to be more in my life. Not that it wasn't there before but it can be an uncomfortable truth to face.

At the same time, since my Buddhist practice of mindfulness, I also learned it would be a tragedy if life wasn't subject to change. We would be justified then to fall into despair and become despondent. It would be futile to hope and to dream. Yes, I know that hard days seem eternal and oppressive. But, even now, I'm still in hospital, I have more time to practice meditation which lifts up my spirit as I notice that I can learn even from this experience. That, even if we don't see hospitals as pleasant places, there are people who care about the welfare of others. Of course, you'll also find people who don't care about others but only see their work as another job to get over and done with. However, this shouldn't diminish the daily acts of humanity and compassion taking place here.

We shouldn't forget that hospital itself can also be a happy place. most of people e West, living in the West, are born in a hospital. The hospital is also a space where people get better or given another chance to live better again. And, yes, it's also where people die. Hospital reflects life but in a way, hospital can quickly become almost an unreal location which we deny exists because we want to hide, perhaps, from those aspects of life which are difficult to come to terms with. A life which not only consists of health and beauty but one also characterise by old age, illness and death.
As I type this from hospital, I am still waiting for news about my health. I also hope to return to my previous life. However, thanks to mobile technology, I can still reach out to the world. And this made it possible for me to end my series entitled 'In Memory of Identity '.

I am also taking this hospital stay as an opportunity to grow in self-awareness and cultivate my understanding of life and reality. This blog started off following a hospital experience.

But, even if I've changed a lot in how I view my life, I realise how very little I actually know.
Such as to appreciate more of what I've been given. For, in an earlier time, I would surely not have survived till 30.
Continued...

Location:Mater Dei Hospital, Msida

A Witness to the Dark

I’ve been going through a rough time lately as I have to face some health issues again. I’m experiencing this ringing in the ears again. And, now, I’m also having occasional blackouts. There were times when I really feel scared and helpless. I don’t claim that my experience is unique or that my pain is excruciating. But, whenever I am disoriented either by my tinnitus or my temporary blindness, I feel as if I’m alone and helpless. There is, I admit, a degree of physical pain in my experience. But, that’s not the primary cause of my suffering.

Indeed, even if I write this wondering if I’ll have an attack as I try to describe my feelings, I also know that no matter how well I describe my experience, it will remain just words. Yes, words that express a thought, a feeling and a state of mind. But, nevertheless, these words I type are simply a trace… an image… an imitation of an experience. Our memories are so short and fragile. I will probably forget myself what the actual experiences I’m going through were like. I don’t know if all this will ever end in my life. I do feel abandoned when I am vulnerable, when it’s like being in a state of living and non-living.

No light without dark

But, as I read the haiku “In the Dark” I wrote last time, I realise how true it was. In spite of the darkness I feel around me at those times, I know that there’s no darkness without light. Would you know what darkness was if you never experienced it? What you understand what light is if you never experienced darkness.

There’s no hope without despair

The same can be said of the moments of despair that are haunting me. I know that these moments will, one day, end. Even if life may be leading you nowhere, and you are plagued by a sense of hopelessness, there is still some hope. There’s no hope without despair. I know that these hard times I struggle with are the source of much doubt and resignation. But, as I am reminded of the buddhist idea of impermanence, I am reassured by the fact that there will be one day when this will end. As light cannot exist without darkness, so there can be no hope if there is no despair. If our life was devoid of any suffering, then there would be no reason to hope in a better tomorrow. It wouldn’t really a human existence at all.

No life without death

Finally, I do wonder whether I will survive to see a tomorrow. I have wondered about death since I was young. I may sound strange but I was always aware of my own mortality but I knew it had to happen one day. As death had taken one of my brothers away, it could take me at any point. Yes, I was scared but if this was a state similar to sleep, I wouldn’t mind that much. For who are we really in a dreamless night? And while our death may be a sad and tragic event for those who love us and, as we live, we probably dread the prospect of dying, it’s inevitable. But, like light and darkness, hope and despair, there can be no life without death.

Concluding Reflection

This is the cycle of existence. The nature of life. Things can only exist in relation to other things. There is nothing intrinsically bad about darkness, despair and death. They’re part of our experience. We suffer because we cling to the what makes us comfortable and what makes us feel safe. However, my experiences of life has taught me that I don’t have to worry too much about tomorrow. It’s good to plan ahead and live for a purpose. Yet, ultimately, we have to accept that we should appreciate moments of darkness as much as those of light, times we feel desperate as much as we hope for a better future and appreciate our life as we are aware of the impermanence of life and the inevitability of death.

An End?

With this I end this reflection. Still, as I end this post. But is it really an end? Isn’t darkness an opportunity to search for the light? Isn’t darkness an opportunity to rest and sleep? Isn’t despair a chance to discover yourself? Isn’ despair an invitation to hope? 

And isn’t the awareness of  of death, a reason to celebrate this life? To appreciate life with all that it brings? Isn’t an awareness of death a call to appreciate the today, to rejoice in the now? And, isn’t death not just a loss but also a hope for the renewal of life. Isn’t death giving a new life to start?

An end is also a beginning. Every beginning will one day end.

Life  is not good or bad. 

Life is simply what it is.

Living in Denial

The moments that I stop from my daily routine and sit in silence as I meditate have been unique. They are times of the day when I simply retreat to an inner place. Usually I try to set aside some time before sleeping to practice. I can't really explain what goes in my mind as I attempt to find peace and tranquility of mind. It's not rare that I find my thoughts shifting to other matters that relate to my life, such as things I have to do, things I need to check or emails I need to send. At other times, I find I discover within a profound sense of peace or, at times, a feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction with the way things are.

Perhaps a common misconception people have of meditation is that it is an escape from reality and an attempt to annihilate the self. Yet, what meditation does, or at least ought to do, is to make you more aware of who you are and to be mindful of ultimate reality. It encourages you to deal with a reality that is often taken for granted or even denied. Other than an escape from reality, it brings you closer to a deeper appreciation of the world, nature and life itself. It places the self in a context that is universal, connected to the world and others and affirms our common human experiences of disease, old age and death. It doesn't deny the self but emphasises that the self doesn't exist out of its own will but exists because there are conditions ranging from the most basic such as food and water to the more complex such as society and culture.

Unfortunately, we are becoming detached from the full human experience. Technology is becoming a source to escape from dealing with the real world. Yet, technology is not the problem but, I think, it's rather our desire to escape a reality that can be sometimes unpleasant or even painful. It is a natural fear of the unknown that resides beyond the reality of death and human suffering. We hide the sick and dying in institutions and, worse still, we avoid to be in the presence of those who are experiencing unavoidable suffering. It's as if the reality of our own fragility and mortality exposes us to the fact that, despite our social, political, religious or cultural differences, we cannot escape death.

Until we come to a point where we are aware and accepting of this reality, life will appear meaningless struggle which we strive to escape from. On the other hand, embracing our essential commonality as living beings enriches our lives and brings happiness to our daily life. First, of course, we must stop living in denial.