Suffering and the Middle Way

One important thing I learned since taking up a daily Buddhist practiced was that I knew so little about who I am and about my relation to the world we inhabit. It wasn’t a journey without its pain and disappointment to discover that I wasn’t really that ‘special’. Even, as a human being, I did on many levels seek to stand out from the crowd. I also found out that I cannot find true happiness in external things and I should seek it inside.

I was never truly happy and was no stranger to physical pain either. However, the moments that caused me the greatest pain weren’t not only the ones when I felt physical pain. Rather, I felt more pain when people defined me as a ‘sufferer’ and not even bother to get to know me as a whole person. And while physical pain can become unbearable, we often try to distance ourselves from people who remind us of own helplessness and mortality. A reality that we must all face..

We may insist that physical suffering is always wrong but, on the other hand, we cannot deny that suffering can have a value. When my medical condition worsened or when my impairments regressed, I spent precious time wasted away in self-pity and anger. I wanted things to return to how they were before. Yet, I was actually hanging on to an unrealistic aspiration and had, for a time, attached myself to an unchanging self-image.

 

Even if Buddha’s first Noble Truth is often mistranslated to ‘life is suffering’ from the Pali word “Dukkha”, the closest translation of "dukkha"is actually “dissatisfaction”. While physical pain can be cause for suffering, Buddha was referring to the pain caused by our delusion that our lives are permanent and the things we possess have permanent natures. My understanding of dukkha is that arises out of of our attachment or clinging to a state that doesn’t have an objective reality.

Unfortunately, while we may take refuge in dukkha, there will always be occasions when we realise the folly of the belief in permanence. For if we’re honest with ourselves, we have to admit that our very human being cannot be separated from the awareness of our mortality. An awareness of death can also explain why we strive to leave a mark on the memories of our loved ones and the world after our inevitable death. We may find that we are striving to leave a part of who we are on those we leave behind. We may seek meaning for our impermanence in death. We may seek to leave a mark on the world through art and science. We may seek comfort in religion or philosophy. Yet, we hate to admit that, like little children, we are scared of dying.

 

We have so much that we lose. Worse of all, who who would we be if I lost who we are. The thing is that we do not know. We may pretend to have faith in the after-life or hold a particular religion to guide us, we are still unsure about what will happen after death. Even if it’s inevitable, death is a frightening prospect. There is still a hope that life will, somehow, go on. Even if we may not believe in an after-life, we don’t take our life for granted. We may even grip to the present life because we believe that this is, in fact, where life is. There will be none after and there was none before. Yet, we forget that who are we are is a result of a process that wouldn’t be possible without others, without society and without a community. Indeed, we are deluded by the myth that we can ever truly be independent.

Not even if we are deserted on an island, can we claim to be truly independent from food that sustains us and water that quenches our thirst. Denying that would be denying our humanity. And, even if it’s not a popular view,, we remain vulnerable and fragile just another human beings and - as another animal. Sadly, interpretations of religion has resulted in an anthropocentric view of the world and a denial of the importance of the body and its rejection. On the other hand, science can reduce the body to an object of research and human beings that are basically bunch a of cells. Yet, both fail to meet at a middle point.

However, it would be foolish to define who we are solely in terms of the body or In terms of a spirit or consciousness. For both are co-dependent on each other. Our self can be an illusion but we need to go beyond it and be ready to admit that even if we cannot objectively observe it, it has a kind of existence. One that is impermanent, one which arises out of society and human understanding (dependent arising) and co-exists with other beings )co-dependence). Lastly and the most important aspect of life we often forget is it’s the impermanent nature. And here we come to a point where we tread into uncertainty.

 

For example, I hesitate to hold an extreme position on the matter of the existence of God, an after-life and so on. This is because any statement that I might make, as an extreme position, will be false. For like those who declared war on the body or indulge in it as solely the source of pleasure, every step they take it seems they missing the point of life by stressing one quality while failing to recognise that extremes of human being are all biased interpretations of reality.

Thus, we have a capitalist system that focuses on individual freedom and a communism that puts common interests before individual rights. They appear not to agree on many levels and posit their politics in positive terms and holding their politics as the best one. Yet, they represent two extremes that are still a source of great alienation and poverty. I would be pretentious , to propose an alternative system. However, what I’m sure of that neither a system entirely based on individual rights or social responsibility can truly sustain itself. For such politics denies our humanity. We are never truly individuals but can only express our individuality in a social context. We cannot even place everyone in the same place for we all remain different in many ways. We cannot be treated in the same way but we can be treated equally. And there’s a big difference between the two approaches.

 

In this sense, the Buddha realised there was no lasting value in his life as a prince shielded from human pain and suffering and free to indulge in all the pleasures money could buy. Neither his was pursuit of self-mortification help him to find meaning and happiness in his life. Indeed, such a radical lifestyle was close to kill him. The teaching of the middle path is not just about moderation but in recognising that our life emerges out of our relation with others and who we are cannot be separated from our material reality.

 

Once the young Buddha was observing a chord player who would inspire him to develop the idea of the middle way, he told him:

 

“If you tighten the chords too much, it won’t play…

If they’re too loose, They won’t play,

Seek the middle way - not too tight, not too loose!“

 

Of course, I may be paraphrasing here but this teaching represents the essence of the teaching that, later Buddha would use to explain how we should live our life in order to life happy.

Indeed, the middle way goes beyond a simple teaching on moderation, Rather it’s an acknowledgement that with all our failings and
dependence, they are what makes us humans and even if Western society tends to be ashamed of admitting to its vulnerability, it represents a human truth that we all share. In this sense, while it’s ok to live healthy and comfortable, we are all affected by a desire to remain impermanent as long as we feel satisfied with life. If not, we seek external sources for our happiness.

 

Sadly, we don’t find happiness in considering the practice of balance as that found in the middle way. Instead, we close our hearts and minds to a restricted world view when we judge other people in terms of what we think they are. Without recognising that, in spite of all, at the core, we have to go through life till death without having a choice on whether we live or die.

The middle way isn’t the way by which we escape from taking responsibility for our actions or take up a convenient passivity. Rather, it’s a commitment to strive for the betterment of our world, a commitment to valuing life and other human beings. It’s a conscious attempt to genuinely reach out to others and to encourage a relationship based on mutual respect and authentic compassion.

It’s not about converting people or imposing one’s own beliefs on others arguing that we are right. It’s about helping irrespective of who you’re helping. It’s about giving without expecting to gain.

 

Ultimately, it’s about valuing the experience of life with a full awareness that, whether there is a life after death, you will die no matter what.

Even if this reads negative and a bleak view of life, it need not be. In fact, it should encourage us to appreciate what we have, and, yes, strive to improve our life and the lives of others and remove unnecessary suffering when ever we can.

For even if we can’t stop the process of life, we can affect our life and our happiness if we approach life with balance, moderation and mutual love and respect. If we only approached the world with compassion beyond judgment. You may judge me as an idealist. Yet, I’d rather live a life that seeks to pursue the path of service because, in spite of the criticism and judgment we may throw out there, we are the ones who can influence ourselves and seek help when we need it. For, this isn’t a sign of personal failure but a recognition of our basic need to sustain our whole being. For it would be arrogant of us to pretend that we can make it in life without needing the world and other human beings.

 

The teachings of dukkha and the middle way reveal to us that while the world and other livings are essential in our human existence, we should never become attached to them to a point that we limit ourselves to what we consider safe. We all know we are going to die. All this will end.

 

It may be more important if we concentrate on making the best of life and expressing compassion and happiness as we celebrate diversity.

Life is not meant to be forever...

A Disability Activist and a Buddhist at Heart

When I started blogging on the Gordon's D-Zone, I intended this blog to deal with  the issue of disability as I developed my understanding of disability from a social model perspective. I retain my commitment to the cause of disabled people worldwide. I do so both as an activist and as a disabled person myself. I don't think that I will retire from this struggle for inclusion and equality until society acknowledges that people with impairment, like myself, are part of society and takes our differences into account.

Having said that, my life has led me to appreciate different things and over time I have explored various areas and developed new interests. However, my involvement in disability activism is motivated by a desire to be included as a person and as an equal to others. I want to see, for example, a philosophy that celebrates human diversity rather than one attached to certain ideals of bodily perfection. Or else, a science which doesn't assume that impairment necessarily causes a drop in one's quality off life or tries to psychologically scrutinise our minds making claims that dealing with  impairment and bereavement are, in any way, similar. I also wish that I was included as a person in religion and spirituality which sometimes have used our impaired bodies as a metaphor for sin or evil.

I have recently been admitted to hospital and, to be honest, I am still facing health issues lately. I thought it wasn't appropriate to write about this on this blog given the tendency for impairment to be associated with suffering. But, I admit, the hospital experiences I had over the last six months have led me to ask a lot of questions and delve deeper into my spiritual side. Indeed, I have been questioning the purpose of life for some months and I confess I found solace in Buddhism. Indeed, I feel that I can relate to the Buddhist outlook on life. I can't really explain it, but I feel connected to Buddhism more than I ever felt before with any world view or philosophy. I am now confident enough to be more open about it and, finally, I thought that I needed to express it on this blog - which was where my blogging all started.

It may not be   the best time to express my Buddhist confession - given it's Easter and I was brought up as a Roman Catholic. However, my embracing of a Buddhist mindset isn't a declaration where I reject all I have learned as a Roman Catholic. Indeed, I have come to appreciate the richness of both Christianity and Buddhism. This "awakening" so to speak is a personal one. I don't want anyone to follow any path that they feel goes against their religious (or other) convictions. Indeed, I will surely discover more aspects to who I am as the years pass., Life is a process and not a closed book.

Tomorrow, Christians around the world celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. In some respects, this is also an awakening. It's a renewal. Yet, the miracle of this event is, I think, that it offers hope to all of us as it illustrates that even death hasn't got the final say. Some of you might doubt whether there is an after-life or claim to be non-believers. Yes, no one has concrete proof that there's life after death or if there's anything beyond this life. The Buddha teaches us to be aware of the present moment because, in reality, our pasts are but a memory and the future is yet to be. At least, that's my interpretation. In the Buddha's outlook on life, the only thing that we can change is the present and the only person we can truly manage is ourselves. Our suffering is caused by our clinging to things that are really temporary. Well, there's my Buddhist thoughts flowing.

If you're interested to read about my journey into Buddhism, please refer to my "Buddhist" blog at ZoneMind. I assure you that I'll continue writing here from the perspective of  a disability activist.

However, at this stage, I wanted to be open about my realisation because a Buddhist understanding is now part of who I am.

More Information

Above, , I've included an entry that I published on one of the other blogs I contribute to. While in this blog, Gordon's D-Zone, I deal with issues that relate to my experience as a disabled person, I decided to rite this post in order to reveal a part of who I am that I'm discovering through my engagement with Buddhism and which many people would be unaware of. Indeed, in this entry, I tried to express how I am feel today and to raise awareness of the fact that, ultimately, my realisation is that, that of the day, I want to be treated as a human being as much as anyone else and that this also involves going beyond simply acceptingg our differences but going as far as celebrating them as part of our human diversity. Well, hope you enjoy!!!

GET IN TOUCH!

Feel free to leave your comments below or if you prefer, contact me via twitter or vii a e-mail

In Search of Perfect Peace

First, a haiku...

I sought perfection.

To find nothingness and death

Barren, perfect peace.

Now, a few reflections…

There is a sense of peace as I write this entry on the last day of my Easter break. Indeed, I feel well enough to  return to work tomorrow. I did  a lot of writing and soul-searching in the past weeks and, to be honest, I feel rather worn out. Of ideas, at least.

There was so much to process over the last weeks that I can’t believe that it all happened just like that. The time I spent at hospital is now but a memory. As I slowly return to my usual routine, all that happened before seems so irrelevant and, yes, unreal. The only thing that remains is the insight I have gained from that experience. I feel that I’ve given so much of myself over the last weeks or two. Now, I’m ready to receive and bear witness to life.

But is this real peace?

When we talk of peace, we usually think of a state where there exists no conflict and we have no more to worry about. We dream of achieving an ultimate state of perfection. When all things go as we have planned. When reality matches our dreams and aspirations. But, this isn’t how life works. That perfect peace is but an illusion that causes so much unnecessary suffering. It deprives us of an opportunity to change. It turns living into mediocrity.

I don’t know what motivated me to write on peace and perfection. Perhaps it’s an attempt to understand why there comes a point when I really have nothing to say. A point When we have  to admit that we must be receptive to the world around us. A moment in time when our minds have to let go of their preconceptions and tendency to judge. Yes, I have sought perfection and peace as I saw them -   but achieving both could bring about a kind of death. Not necessarily a physical one but more of a spiritual one.

For the real  peace I seek should be one that celebrates  life and embraces change. For life is, in truth, change. A person who doesn’t grow or renew is but a corpse - devoid of life and lacking the spirit of humanity. I, myself, have struggled with the idea of perfection. I felt that I could never be at peace if my body wasn’t close to the ideal body that society so glorified and commended. I was, indeed, physically impaired and, later, acquired a visual impairment. These didn’t fit well with the bodily ideal of perfection that I was exposed to. We dream of a time when we will end all this material suffering. Yet, I dare ask whether if we really become “perfect”, would this world truly be a better place? If we became “immortal” and retain our youthful energy, would that make us better humans?

Again, I don’t have the answers. What I know is that over the years I always depended on others in some way or another. I have felt moments when I did hate my body for being limiting and restrictive. Yet, today, I have come to realise that society had a role to play in making me feel unwanted, unwelcome or even  a burden. And yet, I’m not totally  dependent on others. On the contrary, I’m sure that others depend on me. But even if I didn’t, would that reduce my value as a person? Is our worth as humans dictated by what we do?

I’m afraid that in the West where the economy has gained considerable influence and power over our lives, we are being valued more for what we do rather than on who we are. The simple fact is that we are commodifying life. We are treating other human beings like us as property. Suddenly, people are defined in terms of economics. Make no mistake, this is modern slavery. And we accept it because we have become too attached to the material fruit of this state of affairs. There’s nothing wrong with that. Indeed, I really enjoy the good things that the modern world has made possible. Indeed, if I think about it, it would be unimaginable for me to reach the world through writing if it weren’t advances in technology, in political and social organisation and, yes, in our economy.

However, the danger is when we become slaves to this material wealth. It is then when we lose sight of the important things in life. It’s than that money takes the place of human life. It’s then when we have regress. It’s when we persist in perceiving ourselves as separate and independent individuals that the tragedy happens. When countries fail to intervene  while there’s still hope that lives can be saved that we fail. We can never be separate. We can never claim to be independent.

I end this rather unstructured post with hope. Hope that the world will one day be at peace. This isn’t saying that I hope that  all disease will be eradicated (not that isn’t commendable). Nor that people will not age or die any more. I can’t hold on to  unrealistic hopes. Painful as they might be, These realities, I learned, are an intrinsic part of the process of life. Without them, change wouldn’t happen and new life would be impossible.

What I hope is that we, me included, recognise our essential humanity - our essential common experiences. For whatever your creed or belief, you must face the same stages  of life as anyone else, including death. This is the  reality. We may choose to waste our lives pursuing a perfection that isn’t there and a peace that doesn’t really satisfy us. When instead, we should appreciate what we have and, yes, improve on it. But not at the cost of losing our compassion and ability to relate to other human beings as persons and not as objects.

When Buddha was teaching the four noble truths, the first truth he taught was that “life is dukkha”. The word “dukkha” is a Pali word which has been  inaccurately translated as “suffering”. However, a more accurate  translation of the word “dukkha” is “dissatisfaction”.  A dissatisfaction that cannot be resolved until we stop hanging on to our attachments - whether they are material or abstract in nature.

Paradoxically, we may find peace in our lives and discover perfection in our lives when we recognise that peace and perfection aren’t in the future. That in reality they can be found in our  ordinary everyday lives. If we are prepared to  receive.  and

Is this the authentic peace we are seeking? Is this a perfection that transcends all things?

You decide...

Confessions of a Buddhist at Heart

SADNESS IN HAPPINESS

 

I hesitate to express my thoughts and feelings. I’m afraid of being misunderstood, or even ridiculed. I have progressed a lot in my journey of self-discovery. I have tried to capture this experience in the pages of this blog. I have tried to find a greater meaning to my life and, perhaps, reaching beyond the limitations posed by a restricted view of the world. I sought happiness and satisfaction. I did all of those things.

 

This journey has led me to a spiritual investigation encompassing rich traditions ranging from Christianity to Buddhism. I believe that this process has helped me grow and mature as a human being. I can truly say that I am happy. I really am. Yet, you might find it strange if I told you that this happiness is sometimes permeated by a sense of sadness. A sadness that I can’t really put into words without distorting it. A sadness that I feel when I witness the human stories of unnecessary suffering often brought about by  our failure to relate to others as equals.

 

For, in truth, happiness is a state of being while sadness is an emotion. While we tell others not to be sad, feeling sad is an intrinsic part of life and, indeed, it makes us able to express our compassion to others. You may be happy but feel sad. As I type away, I am happy but sad because I know that people around the world are still facing pain and suffering while any  pain and discomfort I experience pales in comparison.

 

AN AWAKENING?

 

I admit that today I came to embrace the teachings of the Buddha and to better understand what Jesus was teaching in the first century of the Common Era. Yet, in spite of these teachings of love and compassion, under the pretence of belief, we choose to separate ourselves in terms of proclamations. There are many ways which we may choose to define our belief. I may claim I’m a Jew, that I’m a Christian, that I’m a Muslim, that I’m a Hindu, that I’m a Sikh and so on. I may also claim that I’m a non-believer or even an atheist.

 

Yet, there is no such a thing as a non-believer. Everyone believes in something or someone. It’s part of being human. The danger is one we cling to those beliefs and close our minds and hearts to what we judge as being different or absurd. When you relate to another person, are’t believing that the other person is, in some form or another, there - beyond yourself?

 

Today, I declare I’m a Buddhist at heart. I don’t claim that I adopted all aspects of Buddhism. I have questioned and still have doubts about some aspects. Yet, I have found meaning in what I learned. Ironically, perhaps, I am also discovering parallels with the teachings of Jesus and that of the Buddha. I’m not implying that these traditions are the same. What I’m saying is that they share a basic teaching of love and compassion. A message of forgiveness and reconciliation. And, I feel, this is the most important thing - if not the only important thing.

 

By saying that I’m a Buddhist at heart, doesn’t mean that I now detest all I learned from my upbringing as a Roman Catholic. On the contrary, it is an opportunity to more fully appreciate the different teachings and the wisdom contained within those teachings. For, I believe, these people didn’t die to have millions of people kneel and pray to them. They certainly didn’t want people to oppress or kill others in their name. What they really wanted was for us to change our minds and hearts and not close ourselves to a self, which scrutinised, reveals to be empty.

 

In this sense, our emptiness isn’t implying that we don’t exist. Rather it’s saying that we cannot exist to ourselves. All we have and all we are is not our own. It’s a gift we are given by those around us and by the world which sustains our body and mind. In other words, we are co-dependent. At the same time, we must face the reality that, irrespective of any belief we might subscribe to, we are all impermanent.

 

DISCOVERING A UNIVERSAL HUMANITY

 

I have said this before but it’s important to emphasise that as long as we are human beings,  we all go through the same stages of life. We get sick because we are made up of living matter. We get old because our  bodies are constantly renewing themselves. It may sound strange but our bodies today are not the same ones we had 5 years ago and we have also changed the way we look at things. Ultimately, we will one day die. That’s something we all share. We may rarely get sick, or die young, but all of us die.

 

And yet, we seem to live as if this world was our permanent home. We live a life hanging on to our possessions. We put our self above everyone else, believing that we are independent and don’t need anyone else. I admit I am also guilty of holding on to such delusions. However, now I commit myself each day to be more mindful of these thoughts. I don’t want to continue suffering under the influence of afflictive desires, to lose all reason as I am burned by hate. Most importantly, I seek to free myself from the chains of ignorance. An ignorance rooted in an  attachment to all the world has to offer.

 

I’m no better than others. This might sound harsh but we often cling to an idea that we are the most important thing in life. Don’t get me wrong, I am important but I must never forget that who I am today and what I have achieved was only possible thanks to the many people who had a part to play in my life and those who influenced me through their teaching and ideas. There may be many people to thank. Many I don’t even know or met personally. Or whom I’ll ever meet. We often forget that our experience today depends on a chain of people which make our life possible.

 

LIFE IN A CUP OF TEA

 

As I await my cup of tea, I remember my dad who is brewing the tea. I thank him for taking the time to prepare it for me. But, I must also thank the ones who packed the tea for my consumption. The people who have sold the tea to my family. The merchant who got the tea to Malta (my country). The people who have collected the tea leaves in convenient sachets.  Last, but most crucial, the people who spent the time picking the tea leaves and those who processed them to produce the basic component of my cup of tea. So many people and so many connections. There, are of course, many other factors that made this moment of drinking my tea possible but I would bore you to death. And I have learned that every instance of our experience is unique and precious.

 

This is at the reason I have decided to open my heart and express what has been silenced for a long time. I have found meaning in my life. I have found an authentic freedom and happiness beyond my expectations. I am at peace. Yet, as long as I’m human, I will still get sad, still get angry and still feel resentment. However, as I meditate during this quiet afternoon, I realise that as I develop my mindfulness, I feel free from the suffering caused by a failure to recognise the essential impermanent nature of my human experience. Freedom from the suffering caused by a belief that I don’t need anyone in this life.

 

EMBRACING THE HUMAN HEART

 

Truly, when I state that i’m opening my heart to you as a person and describing my embrace of the Buddhist way, I’m simply sharing with you, a stranger, an experience of discovery. While everyone finds happiness in their own ways, I only wanted to share with you a realisation and an affirmation that I have found refuge in the Buddhist way..  I am not even saying that I abandoned all I learned from Christianity. Truth is truth.

 

Today, I’m actually sharing my humanity. And that transcends all our divisions we might built to separate us from each other. Perhaps we fear to admit that, in essence, our differences are secondary to the most important reality in our life.

 

The reality of being human!

A Return Home - Part 2

Continued from Part 1

Today, I may say that I’ve returned home - even if I’ll soon be moving on - it’s still currently my home. But, in truth, this is only my temporary home. It may not be even be my real home. For when I leave this life, I have to give up all I have come to know as a human being.

Then, after my body dies, will I return to my authentic home?

Will I find my refuge?

Perhaps I have already found it...

One thing appears clear. My outlook on life has changed again. I'm sure it will change again in the future. I have grown to appreciate more what I learned from this ongoing journey of self-discovery and comprehend better what the Buddha and other great spiritual figures such as Jesus were saying.

That living a good life or finding happiness meant that we have to die for ourselves. That, no matter what society says or thinks, we can only gain if we lose our attachment to the self and objects that don't last but open our heart and mind to the other and to a world far greater than we are.

To lose ourselves to a universe so immense and mysterious that removes from us any pretensions that we are, in any way, the greatest gift to humanity.

This doesn't mean that we despair and indulge in self-loathing or give up on life. On the contrary, it's an invitation to be happy and discover a peace that is beyond our imagination and expectation.

We'll return to our real home.

A home where we are free.

A home that no one or nothing can destroy.

A place of refuge.

A Return Home? - Part 1

Yesterday, I was discharged from hospital - thus ending my stay in hospital. When I got out for the first time, I felt that the world around me looked different. The sun would soon be setting in a few hours but I could just make out the buildings and streets we had to pass through as I made my way back home.

I was struck by the fact that even if I have travelled this way before so many times, I wasn’t really noticing what was around me before. It was like awakening from a bad dream. Life became so vibrant... So real! I was a witness to what I was sensing without judging or conceptualising what I was perceiving.

I felt rested and appreciated being in silence. Admittedly, the last week at hospital where I had to share a room were particularly hard on me and I didn’t get a lot of sleep at night. I was surprised by how much commotion and noise there could be at times and then, silence. Indeed, hospital is a place of extremes.

I witnessed the best and the worse of human nature. Nursing staff who treated patients with dignity and respect. Others who could be cruel and insensitive to the pain of the other. There were words of kindness and words uttered aimed only to shame and humiliate. Words aimed to dominate and belittle another.

Believe me, I tried to rationalise the ugly things that happened but I couldn’t really excuse such acts of inhumanity.

Of course, these actions were few and far between but that doesn’t reduce their ugliness. I know that there is a lot of stress and frustration involved with working in an environment where you’re constantly seeing disease, death and social problems. Yet, there are those who rise up to the challenge and manage to comfort and genuinely help those In need. Perhaps, it is in people like this that I retain my hope in the basic goodness of human beings.

For, after all, I am also a human being seeking that happiness and freedom from suffering we all are seeking. Unfortunately, we do sometimes end up hurting or harming others because we forget that we are part of the same human family. We forget that we are also the sons and daughters of the Earth and depend on it for our survival. We forget that we are also the offspring of the universe which has given us our mind and bodies.

Continues...

A Hospital Retreat - Part 2

Continues from Part 1
Now seven days since I was hospitalise. I can't deny that this stay, like all the others before, don't upset my daily routine and force me to confront an aspect of life we often forget or choose to avoid acknowledging. For, in spite of all progress in our standards Oc living, many face the reality of illness and old age. And no one can really escape death.

My life right now appears almost unreal. I do sometimes feel as if this will never end. Yet, as I take the time to apply what I learned from my Buddhist teachings, I realise that this too will pass. However, even if the temptation is to avoid thinking of the pain I'm going through, I am realising that dealing with this experience as it manifests itself leaves me feeling more peaceful and serene.
This insight into this suffering seems to be counter-intuitive. Yet, accepting what is happening right now as it happens does help free the mind from intensifying the suffering as it considers the future while it gives you back some control over your life. After all, the fact that we all get ill and many of us will get old is an inescapable part of life. Death is also inevitable.

There's a certain sadness that emerges from considering these three realities so central to buddha's teachings. We are too attached to the idea that we can remain closed to accepting that life is impermanent and temporal. But, then we risk loosing a very precious truth about our human condition. That, in spite of their repulsiveness, illness, old age and death; all connect us. All affect us as living beings. All reveal that other differences based on other aspects of who we are such as race, gender, disability, faith and sexual orientation; are only secondary to our basic humanity.

These three realities not only define us as humans, they can be the source and motivations behind our greatest achidvements.
I don't know how long I'll be here in hospital. But, as I said before, I'll try to make the best of it. Of course, I will do my best to regain my health. Bug, equally important, I want to grow spiritually and appreciate more the life I have and receive the present moment with an open heart and awakened mind.

Related entries:
Letting Go - A Haiku Trio

Location:Mater Dei Hospital, Msida

A Hospital Retreat - Part 1

Last Tuesday, I was admitted to hospital to undergo a number of rtests so that doctors can figure out what was causing the problems I was having recently. Here, it's not my intention to talk about my health issues. Yet, every time I'm admitted to hospital reminds me of how unpredictable our lives really are. This week, I had to deliver a presentation at a local conference but even if I had prepare everything for the following Friday, I found myself on a hospital bed. We can and make plans for the future, but it would be foolish for us to get too attached to them. This realisation of impermanence appears to be more in my life. Not that it wasn't there before but it can be an uncomfortable truth to face.

At the same time, since my Buddhist practice of mindfulness, I also learned it would be a tragedy if life wasn't subject to change. We would be justified then to fall into despair and become despondent. It would be futile to hope and to dream. Yes, I know that hard days seem eternal and oppressive. But, even now, I'm still in hospital, I have more time to practice meditation which lifts up my spirit as I notice that I can learn even from this experience. That, even if we don't see hospitals as pleasant places, there are people who care about the welfare of others. Of course, you'll also find people who don't care about others but only see their work as another job to get over and done with. However, this shouldn't diminish the daily acts of humanity and compassion taking place here.

We shouldn't forget that hospital itself can also be a happy place. most of people e West, living in the West, are born in a hospital. The hospital is also a space where people get better or given another chance to live better again. And, yes, it's also where people die. Hospital reflects life but in a way, hospital can quickly become almost an unreal location which we deny exists because we want to hide, perhaps, from those aspects of life which are difficult to come to terms with. A life which not only consists of health and beauty but one also characterise by old age, illness and death.
As I type this from hospital, I am still waiting for news about my health. I also hope to return to my previous life. However, thanks to mobile technology, I can still reach out to the world. And this made it possible for me to end my series entitled 'In Memory of Identity '.

I am also taking this hospital stay as an opportunity to grow in self-awareness and cultivate my understanding of life and reality. This blog started off following a hospital experience.

But, even if I've changed a lot in how I view my life, I realise how very little I actually know.
Such as to appreciate more of what I've been given. For, in an earlier time, I would surely not have survived till 30.
Continued...

Location:Mater Dei Hospital, Msida

The Promises of Pain

Last Monday, I was given the bad news by my dentist that three teeth had simultaneously suffered a traumatic event and needed to be extracted as early as possible. Worse still, I was told that I could only have local anaesthetic for the procedure. I had hoped that since the extractions will be substantial and stressful to my body, I hoped that general anaesthesia will be an option. Over the last four days since I was informed that, one day or another in the next few weeks, I had to return to the dentist to have this procedure done, my thoughts have been preoccupied by the prospect of having this procedure. More precisely, I would imagine the pain I will have to endure. Even when I gathered my mind to meditate, my mind returned to this concern.

From then on, the good things that happened in my life and are happening right now have been overshadowed by this dental procedure I need to undergo soon. It’s funny, when you think about it, that my teeth could exert such power over me. But, then, this boils down to the idea of interdependence - in this case, the mutual dependence of all parts of the body and mind. Indeed, no organ or system can function to its full potential if just one part of the body wasn’t working as it should. Then again, as a disabled person with a physical and visual impairment, I also know that there is such a thing as adaptability. It’s here that I realise that, as with other things, the body is always in the process of change and decay.Yet, in no way does that diminish my humanity. For, at the end of the day, this has taught me humility that, in the past, I would consider a sign of weakness.

In a way, I was justified following years of being belittled and depicted as dependent. After all, I wanted to be seen as strong, autonomous and independent as a person. But now, I realise that I have gone over to the other extreme. I now came to understand what the middle way the Buddha taught actually meant. It is a realisation that, as humans, we remain dependent on each other - or interdependent. Those who think that they are in total control of their life are living a delusional existence. For, do they make their own clothes? Do they catch their own food or cultivate the crop? Do they build their own houses and take care of their plumbing or electricity? Ultimately, are they ready to live in total isolation from other people?

I hear you asking what all this have to do with my dental procedure. Until now, I was ruled by fear of the pain I would surely have to endure. I don’t know really how or when, but now I realise that my any pain that I might experience, even if not desirable, connects me to my humanity. My experience, yes, will be individual but not unique. As I write this, many millions are suffering pain, mental anguish and isolation. Others are dying or at the last moments of their life. There’s nothing pleasurable or nice about suffering. Yet, if there is anything to learn from it is that it’s something we share with everybody - irrespective of class, race, gender, age, creed, belief, lifestyle or disability. We are connected in this way. And, although it’s not easy to do, pain and suffering can only be overcome if we deal with them as they come - not denying them or inflating them. Whether we like it or not, pain is a form of suffering that is part of the human condition. It’s up to us to ensure that it doesn’t take control over our life.

As I will probably undergo my dental procedure in the next weeks, I hope that all will go well and that I get through with minimal pain and stress. I wish to avoid unnecessary suffering if I can. What I can say that the promise of a future pain has helped me to reach out to others and try to transcend my own personal concern. The promise of pain is helping me realise that I can’t go on feeding my fear but that I need to face the pain when it arises. The promise of pain has made me more human.