What Can We Do? A Meditation on Action

Life changes. That's a fact we all know but people seldom think about. Every day is unique but in our fast moving world, we have created the illusion that there's such a thing as a "normal" week that includes a period of rest we call the "weekend".

 

The more I grow in my practice of various forms of meditation, the more I realise how easy it is to go through life following habit and routine without stopping and reflect on the point of it all. For, while life may seem to be going great, we night fail to appreciate the moments in which we find our peace and comfort. It's only when we realise we lost something that we start to appreciate its value.

 

We also risk believing that we have more control over our world than we really do. As life goes through its natural cycle of birth, death  and renewal, we change as well. I have gone through particularly hard times in my life recently and I can't say that I found my peace.

 

Indeed, while we may have an idea that mindfulness and meditation provides us with peaceful bliss, its proper practice also exposes us to the scars which were deeply hidden in our mind. Yet, unpleasant as they are, acknowledging their presence can help us to slowly detach ourselves from them.

 

Even if I am trying to give up my attachment to the world, I confess it's harder than I thought. I still remain attached to my pride and sometimes still crave to acquire a particular thing or position. But then again, I know how . foolish my thinking is. Yet, I can still be a fool. Acknowledging that is the first step - even if my pride gets angry.

 

The fact is that there's very little we can change in the world. There are so many factors that are permitting that we have the right conditions to keep alive that it would be impossible to list them and some I don't even know about. We also depend on the living world, including the people we live with on this rotating piece of rock. 

 

So what can we do? While we may not be able to change the world or even "save" it, there's only one thing I learned that you may find of value. You can only change yourself. Yet, until you take the time to get to know who you are, each day will remain as insignificant as the one before. 

 

Don't expect to change overnight and don't even expect it to be painless. You may even find you're failing, like I feel lately, but you should keep in mind that the real peace, freedomm and happiness we all seek is not to be found in the world but in you and in how far you're ready to recognise your littleness in the  context of the whole.

The New Year Haiku Trio: A Commentary

 

Prologue

 

During mindfulness practice, it’s often the case that I’m faced with thoughts and emotions that can’t be satisfactorily expressed using conventional language. During those times, I tended to rely on rhyming poetic verse - that is, until I discovered the Haiku which I found to allow me to open my awareness to a vaster array of interpretations - especially during times when I am faced with a lot of turbulent thoughts and emotions.

 

One such time is the new ear where we may find ourselves looking back at how we spent last year. And, as I felt I needed more clarity on what 2012 meant to me as a human being, I wrote a haiku to capture my state of mind. It’s actually a haiku trio and so, I’ll go through each haiku segment and share a few personal meditations on the words as they flow:

 

A New Year Haiku Trio

From: Haiku Flow, 

URL: http://haikuflow.gordongd.com/2012/12/a-new-year-haiku-trio.html 

1

An other year is over,

Many days we have forgotten -

Dried up … like raindrops.

 

 Commentary

 

If you think about it, we only remember little of what has happened to us over the course of last year. Hopefully, we retain a sense of who we are - even if our sense of who we are (or our sense of self) is a transient one. Like all other things, we have changed as persons whether we are aware of it or not. e don’t realise it but even our bodies have literally been changed as old cells are replaced by new ones.

 

However, these changes happen so slowly and on such a minute scale that we just move on through life thinking that the only significant changes that occur are external to us. And, even then, our memories forget. This isn’t neither good nor bad. Yet, it’s sometimes the case that we take what we have for granted - even with a sense of pride and entitlement - without acknowledging or appreciating the source of all we have to keep on living as physical beings - the living world around us.  

   

2

Do we remember?

The tears shed, laughter shared… Do we?

Yet, this is our life….

 

Commentary

 

These verses follow on the theme of time and impermanence. At the same time, it goes beyond that and compels us to ask ourselves what, exactly, have we learned from life during the course of this year. While we may have gained plenty of knowledge and experience. We may have had many experiences of suffering and joy, but if we didn’t take the time to reflect on what we have gone through, where these moments in our life worthwhile? 

 

While we cannot change our bodies and minds in radical ways, we have a choice whether we grow out of the experiences we encounter in life or give up and indulge in a life where we blame others (hate), believe our solutions are external (desire) or go on through life without being (ignorance). These three poisons often might lead us to pursue the same life and ineffectual strategies that we have grown used to. Unfortunately, growth that resists change and doesn’t allow change is no growth at all. On the other hand, change that is made for the sake of it can be equally toxic.

 

3

Another year is born.

Our chance to live again. Anew.

To be here. Fully.

 

 

Commentary

 

This last verse of the haiku trio I wrote appears to be an invitation to accept life as it comes. At least, now that I read it again, it’s not just about a new year. For, in truth, given the different ways humankind has measured time, any day can be a new year. And, yes, in many ways, a new day is a new year. In truth, if you take away the fuss that we make out of adding a number to a calendar year and creating a day when we can take time off work, a new year’s day is just another day. It follows that it doesn’t have to be a new year to compel us to improve on our ways. Everyday offers us the possibility to grow and change. Everyday is the opportunity to experience our life in  its full potential.

 

And, perhaps, this is the main reflection underpinning the haiku trio. That, in order to live our full potential as human beings, we first need to recognise who we are in the world. We may dream to fly like birds, but our bodies are currently not equipped to fly. However, we can fly because some have considered the limitations imposed to us by nature and explored solutions around these apparent limitations. However, the reality of things had to be factored in so that we could, in some way, be able to fly.

 

Concluding Remarks

 

I don’t think I should add more commentary. I just hope this has provided you, the reader, with some food for thought. I remind you that the reflections I make in the haiku I wrote for Haiku Flow attempts to capture that sense of impermanence and transience. While below I provide my own interpretation of what the haiku verses appear to tell me, other ideas about its meaning to you might 

 

Home, A Place of Happiness

I can’t hide the fact that when I wrote the last entry Longing for a Place to Call Home, I was gripped by fear. Fear of change as I was embarking into the unknown. Today, I realise that I was too attached to an ideal state of happiness. As if there’s a particular location which guarantees one’s happiness. I was also afraid of change and a transition that appeared to threaten the very core of who I am.

Even if I still feel a strong need to be in silence and for contemplation, the fact is that it was a mistake to think that a particular place can guarantee my peace and happiness. I realise that I can be in that place of peace in the present, wherever I am. Happiness, I am reminded, isn’t something that can be bought or attained by external objects. While objects we desire might give us momentary happiness, the feeling quickly fades away. And we find ourselves longing, wanting and craving for another object which appears to hold the promise of happiness.

Now that eight days have passed since I moved in to my new house, I am hopeful that it’ll become my home as well. I have learned a lot from my own self and in relating to the others who are sharing in this experience. I know that I may still be scared of change. I learned that when it feels I’m isolated, instead of reaching out to people, I tend to distance myself more. And, most importantly, I have realised that the more we hide from what seems to be an oppressive reality, the more problems and challenges appear insurmountable - until the only reaction is for us to escape or deny ourselves the chance to explore other possibilities or solutions.

This post appears to be a happy ending to a tale that appeared to end on a tragic note. However, these last hours have opened my mind to the possibility that, maybe, if I wasn’t so resistant to change, I could make things work. I can always find a place of peace and refuge in my heart. I recognise that there can be no lasting happiness in a material world that remains impermanent, prone to a cycle of entropy. I can’t even be sure of a reality beyond this life. However, what I am sure of is that as long as I remain aware of the present moment and appreciate its preciousness and uniqueness, I can be truly happy.

Life may be hard or draw us in moments of sadness and melancholy. We may be robbed of all our possessions and denied our friends. And, still, we can be happy. Yes, this is a tall order and I’m still far off from achieving such kind of happiness. For one can be rich or have all the things one desires and still be unhappy. Indeed, happiness isn’t simply an emotion or a feeling. 

Happiness is a state of being...

An Old Self That Clings On

It’s the end of another day and as I take a good look at myself, I realise how much I have changed on one level and, yet, how difficult it is to manifest these changes. Indeed, during the times I’m alone and have to face my inner being, if you may, I do notice a conflict between who I am discovering to be authentic about who I am and how I come across to the outside world.

It’s not that I’m living a double life or expressing two completely different identities. Both this new sense of being and the old self seem to co-exist but, at the same time, each self has a story and a history and world view. These may be not necessarily opposite and they certainly don’t represent any split personality. They are more like an inner light that is hidden away by clouds. While the light is there and sometimes feel strong and clearly visible, circumstances only serve to obscure the beauty of this light with its preoccupation with what should be and a dissatisfaction (dukkha) that diminishes our appreciation of the present moment.

I do realise that there is a struggle between part of my being which opens my heart to a basic humanity. A being, so often misrepresented by popular media, of a compassion beyond conditionality or status. A compassion that recognises a universal dependence our essential impermanence.

Yet, it’s not easy to start to be the change you want to see in the world (to take line from Gandhi). It is painful because the safety of habit and the life we get used to provide us with a sense of comfort and relief. Considering another way appears too painful - not just for us but, yes, also for others in our life. A change of mind and engagement with our harts and the hearts of others requires more of us than simply uttering a few words of allegiance or a prayer. It may require to accept our nothingness in the light of a vast universe. It may mean recognising that our life is an ordinary life when compared to the life of the people inhabiting this world. It may be extraordinary in many other ways, but we all have to go through the same stages of life.

The habits we inherit from our previous past remain part of who we are today. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing and I believe I must accept that I have lived a life in the past I may need to change some aspects of this past. I feel that without accepting the reality of the past, there can be no growth and a great risk of getting too attached to truths that present themselves as absolute and never changing. Reality - a reality, which in itself, is ever changing and always being renewed.

In this sense, a radical rejection of the past would mean uprooting our roots without finding fertile soil to grow our sense of being. At least, at this point, I do find it difficult to really express what I feel inside. And I can’t expect that I will change overnight. But change must happen progressively like any process of growth one finds in nature. For, yes, we remain creatures of nature. Unique and impermanent.

Renewing Trust After Betrayal

Recent experiences where I was misled and deceived led me to question once again, my trust in other people. In the past, I had been taken for a ride so many times because I was young, inexperienced or even because I was disabled and different. I had also my fair share of disappointments were I built high hopes and expectations, only to discover these were just hollow illusions. In time, I would start to trust again and took care in choosing well whom to trust.

However, we remain human. And, despite my meditation practice, there are things that can blind, metaphorically, the best of us. Not that I’m the best. The point is that when the self hears things that it likes to hear, it tends to lower its usual defences. And, as the illusionary ego grows and grows, it has the tendency to take over common sense. From then on, there is a danger that the delusion becomes reality and, in effect, any doubts are countered by irrational thinking, you’ve reached a point of no return.

Thus, when you learn that all your time and energy you invested was entrusted to deceitful people who just want to exploit your pride for their own advantage, then there is your reality collapses. You wake up from a dream into a hard reality. And, as in my case, you only want to hide away and cry. You start blaming the people who betrayed your trust. You want to find a way out. You don’t want to face the fruits of your mistakes. You even try to pretend it never happened. And you return back to reality, you cry and cry until you want to escape from the fact that you’ve been betrayed.

Even if other people may have had a large part to play in breaking your trust, deep inside you blame yourself for being too trusty or even stupid for not spotting the red lights. Then, you discover that you are angry at yourself. At letting your guard down and following the chants of the tempting sirens. At that point, you start questioning yourself and, perhaps, doubting all the decisions you take from then on. Not that you didn’t do this before but, now, there’s greater suspicion and mild paranoia. Can you recover from betrayal? Can you trust again?
Some time has passed since these events took place in my life. I haven’t yet recovered from the feeling of being betrayed. I am not fully recovered from a feeling that I am still vulnerable. In this sense, this was a painful experience but also a wake up call. It reminded me that inasmuch as I have moved forward in these couple of years, I will never be completely immune from temptation, emotion and desire.

I remain human with all the good and bad that comes with being human. Whether or not I renew my trust depends on many factors. What I can say is that there’s no magic formula. People are people. The nicest of human beings are capable of deceiving or betraying you if they believe they’re somewhat justified in their actions. Yet, it’s impossible not to trust anyone in the world. The very foundations of human society is based on a degree of trust. We trust that the water we drink is safe. We trust that the food we eat is free from poisons or contaminants. We trust that the builders who build our houses used the right material. The list is endless.

The only thing we can do is to be aware of who we are. To be mindful of what we are thinking. To take the time to know yourself. My mistake was that I noticed the warning signs but I chose to ignore them in pursuit of a flight of fancy. If I had been perhaps more receptive to the thoughts that were going through my mind before I took the wrong decisions, I might have prevented all this from happening in the first place.

While I will try to be more careful in whom I place my trust, there’s no guarantee that I’ll be forever safe. For, unfortunate as it may be, human beings will continue to find more subtle ways to betray and deceive others. On the other hand, you cannot give up on trust completely. Knowing yourself is a great way to protect yourself but it isn’t foolproof.

And when you’re betrayed, you should have the courage to accept what is and take remedial action if you can..

But denying it will only render you a slave to the betrayer.

A slave to your own self.

A Moment of Meditation

There it was. Then it was gone just like that! This post is about today, and about every day. This post is about me, but about everyone. This post is meant to communicate a thought and express an emotion and a state of mind. But, it will not necessarily succeed. And,to be honest, the odds are against it. So, why write it anyway?

 

The reason, I think, is that today seemed to be going to be just like any other day. I woke up with the usual pain and stiffness of an early arthritis. I struggled to get out of bed to travel to work. Nothing different. And, perhaps, this is what made it sort of special. There was no pain I couldn’t bear, even if there could have been. I was aware of an experience that happened so often in my life that I never really noticed before. I realised, no, I felt the touch of a soft wind blowing over my skin through the open window. I felt a temporary relief from the summer heat wave taking over the country. I knew that I could do little to change the weather. I could only drink some water and keep myself cool.

 

This feeling of helplessness was, in a strange way, comforting. I had meditated for some time in the morning as I have somewhat neglected the practice for these last two days or so. There, I had come to really appreciate a realisation I had before but still resisted on an unconscious level. The realisation that all my life and all I thought I am didn’t make sense on their own. Inasmuch as the words on this page don’t have a meaning outside human language, so does my life make no sense outside of the human context.

 

I am, like the rest, seeking happiness. We want to be satisfied with our lives. And, yet, we firmly believe that our satisfaction and fulfilment can be found completely in the outside world. Yes, proper food and basic needs such as shelter and clothing (to mention the most basic) remain essential for our wellbeing. But, in addition to these, we need other things that are beyond all that.

We need to know because that makes us feel safe. We need to belong because that gives us a sense of identity and community. We need to love and be loved because gives us a sense of worth and dignity.

 

I spent many years believing the myth of perfection and the myth of independence. The self-made person. Yet, if you examine this idea that we are self-made or can buy our way to happiness, we realise how flawed this vision is. Indeed, how life denying it can be. For, it is a belief that contradicts reality. The reality that we, matter and energy are intrinsically and fundamentally bound together. The reality that who we presume we are is the product of many others who came before or who are with us. The reality that even our own conception is the result of other people. 

 

In this sense, we are one with many in more ways than we think. And, this is the essence of the helplessness I speak of here. The helplessness that exposes us to our inevitable dependence and vulnerability. A helplessness that doesn’t weaken us through despair and self-hate. Rather, a helplessness that opens our awareness to our humanity, to our basic connection to persons in the whole universe. A helplessness beyond scientific rationality or religious dogma. But the pure helplessness of a child who knows that he or she is indebted to all those around him or her for all she or he has. And it’s not a case of creating idols or worshipping those who help or support life.

 

It’s a helplessness that gives one permission to acknowledge one’s limits. That, while one should work to better one’s life and the life of others, failure is inevitable. Indeed, not even success can be ever guaranteed. It is with this awareness that I left my meditative state. It is this realisation that I need to live in appreciation of a  life more as I faced another day. It’s a recognition that I have come to expect so much from life that I missed how unique it was. How every day, I am going against all odds to go on and, in spite of all difficulties, I am still managing to prevail. Not out of any personal act of will but because I have been thrown in this life..

Now, as I end this entry, I realise that the sense of peace I had throughout the ay following my meditation is no longer present. It seemed to have waned. Yet, this should be another lesson I guess. For, in an attempt to capture the mystery of the moment, I have lost its spirit. I did the same thing a trophy hunter does. In an attempt to capture the life and force of a gracious lion, he shoots it and stuffs the dead lion to enjoy it in his private quarters and show it off to friends. But, then, he also kills the very thing he sought to preserve.

 

I, you and everyone has been given something unique without having deserved it. It’s up to you whether you believe that God or any other entity or force gave you this life. It’s not even that important whether you believe in another life after this - although it is a worthwhile thing to hope for. The reality is that we are living today. Tomorrow is, as I said before, only a promise and an unknown space in the future.

 

Today, is what we know we have. This moment in time that is possible only because of a network of causes and conditions (mostly beyond our  control. Not only do we owe our survival to others beyond ourselves, but may also have to admit that who we are only exists in the present context.

 

We are helpless, dependent and vulnerable in the present moment.

 

We are  also human with our limitations of knowing and doing.

 

But, in spite of all this, we are not helpless, useless or worthless.

 

Not if we are prepared to see each others as ourselves and be prepared to go beyond our own self-importance.

 

For, it might be too late before we realise that, like a joyous feeling, we are faced with the end. , realise that we have gone through this experience without really being aware of what we were actually living. 

 

And, wouldn’t that be tragic to realise that we have pursued a life avoiding the present moment hoping for the future that appeared to have no end.

 

But, alas, it had an end. Like this entry. 

The Human Connection

I managed to spend last Wednesday resting and dedicating my time thinking about life and how I fit in the world. It was a day of rest but this doesn’t mean that I spent the day doing nothing and lingering in bed. Indeed, when I spent time meditating or paying attention to all I did, I couldn’t help noticing that there were thoughts and feelings that emerged that weren’t so peaceful.

 

While we associate silence with peace and tranquility, a moment of silence can trigger an inner revolt that, at times, can bring to our awareness our best or our worse qualities. At least, this was my experience. It can get uncomfortable when you come face-to-face with all the bad things that seem to rise out of your mind. But, I think, it’s important for us to know that these thoughts that have accumulated inside are there. This prepares us when we are in a position to act.

 

I also realised that only a fool tries to deny his or her humanity. For all that we have accumulated in terms of knowledge and wisdom is inseparable from our being human. Not even hard science, which often claims to be objective, can escape the fact that even science cannot escape what I shall call the “human connection”. After all, we use our senses to interpret the world. Technology has permitted to access realities that we couldn’t access before due to our senses.

 

Technology that enables us to look at or listen to galaxies far away. Technology that enables us to study the microscopic and subatomic. Before, we would never imagined there could exist such realities so immense and so miniscule. Indeed, we would be excused for believing that such things didn’t exist at all. But, inasmuch as we progress in technology or scientific understanding, we remain bound to our humanity. The fact that we cannot escape our material being. The fact that whatever we produce remains limited by our body and mind.

 

Indeed, If you think about it, no area of human endeavour can escape this fact that whatever we have or build arises out of a complex relation between us and the world that is mediated through our body and mind. And, however efficient these might be in making sense of the world, they remain limited. Thus, if we hold on the idea that our reality is the only valid one, we risk misunderstanding what reality is. We fail to acknowledge that our view of the world is but one way of looking at things. However, the greatest danger is that in excluding other points of view, we also forget our basic humanity. And when that happens, we can expect  disaster for all of us.

 

So we create a politics preoccupied with votes and power, a science lacking respect for human dignity, an economy that puts money before ecology, a philosophy that condemns us to nihilism and a religion more preoccupied with rites and rituals than rekindling the human spirit.

 

This is what happens when we close ourselves to a restricted world view and one that denies our basic interdependence. It’s a world that by excluding our human connections to it, slowly conspires for our destruction.

 

Yes, this appears to be a rather gloomy post. However, I am convinced that even the most painful experiences have taught me something about who I am. I try to hold on to my commitment to grow as a human being every day. Yes, it’s sometimes good to stop what you’re doing for a while and really reflect on why you’re doing it. For, otherwise, you would be living without purpose and be unprepared when you are desperately seeking answers. When you’re in much need of hope and direction.

 

And, whoever we are, we need to remember that our life is only possible thanks to the contribution of so many people. I admit that I keep returning to that point. Forgive me for that but the more I think about it, this reality of my  human connection restores my hopes and faith that if we work together for a world that embraces the human spirit, we may be still in time to save lives and, ultimately,  our planet.

In Search of Perfect Peace

First, a haiku...

I sought perfection.

To find nothingness and death

Barren, perfect peace.

Now, a few reflections…

There is a sense of peace as I write this entry on the last day of my Easter break. Indeed, I feel well enough to  return to work tomorrow. I did  a lot of writing and soul-searching in the past weeks and, to be honest, I feel rather worn out. Of ideas, at least.

There was so much to process over the last weeks that I can’t believe that it all happened just like that. The time I spent at hospital is now but a memory. As I slowly return to my usual routine, all that happened before seems so irrelevant and, yes, unreal. The only thing that remains is the insight I have gained from that experience. I feel that I’ve given so much of myself over the last weeks or two. Now, I’m ready to receive and bear witness to life.

But is this real peace?

When we talk of peace, we usually think of a state where there exists no conflict and we have no more to worry about. We dream of achieving an ultimate state of perfection. When all things go as we have planned. When reality matches our dreams and aspirations. But, this isn’t how life works. That perfect peace is but an illusion that causes so much unnecessary suffering. It deprives us of an opportunity to change. It turns living into mediocrity.

I don’t know what motivated me to write on peace and perfection. Perhaps it’s an attempt to understand why there comes a point when I really have nothing to say. A point When we have  to admit that we must be receptive to the world around us. A moment in time when our minds have to let go of their preconceptions and tendency to judge. Yes, I have sought perfection and peace as I saw them -   but achieving both could bring about a kind of death. Not necessarily a physical one but more of a spiritual one.

For the real  peace I seek should be one that celebrates  life and embraces change. For life is, in truth, change. A person who doesn’t grow or renew is but a corpse - devoid of life and lacking the spirit of humanity. I, myself, have struggled with the idea of perfection. I felt that I could never be at peace if my body wasn’t close to the ideal body that society so glorified and commended. I was, indeed, physically impaired and, later, acquired a visual impairment. These didn’t fit well with the bodily ideal of perfection that I was exposed to. We dream of a time when we will end all this material suffering. Yet, I dare ask whether if we really become “perfect”, would this world truly be a better place? If we became “immortal” and retain our youthful energy, would that make us better humans?

Again, I don’t have the answers. What I know is that over the years I always depended on others in some way or another. I have felt moments when I did hate my body for being limiting and restrictive. Yet, today, I have come to realise that society had a role to play in making me feel unwanted, unwelcome or even  a burden. And yet, I’m not totally  dependent on others. On the contrary, I’m sure that others depend on me. But even if I didn’t, would that reduce my value as a person? Is our worth as humans dictated by what we do?

I’m afraid that in the West where the economy has gained considerable influence and power over our lives, we are being valued more for what we do rather than on who we are. The simple fact is that we are commodifying life. We are treating other human beings like us as property. Suddenly, people are defined in terms of economics. Make no mistake, this is modern slavery. And we accept it because we have become too attached to the material fruit of this state of affairs. There’s nothing wrong with that. Indeed, I really enjoy the good things that the modern world has made possible. Indeed, if I think about it, it would be unimaginable for me to reach the world through writing if it weren’t advances in technology, in political and social organisation and, yes, in our economy.

However, the danger is when we become slaves to this material wealth. It is then when we lose sight of the important things in life. It’s than that money takes the place of human life. It’s then when we have regress. It’s when we persist in perceiving ourselves as separate and independent individuals that the tragedy happens. When countries fail to intervene  while there’s still hope that lives can be saved that we fail. We can never be separate. We can never claim to be independent.

I end this rather unstructured post with hope. Hope that the world will one day be at peace. This isn’t saying that I hope that  all disease will be eradicated (not that isn’t commendable). Nor that people will not age or die any more. I can’t hold on to  unrealistic hopes. Painful as they might be, These realities, I learned, are an intrinsic part of the process of life. Without them, change wouldn’t happen and new life would be impossible.

What I hope is that we, me included, recognise our essential humanity - our essential common experiences. For whatever your creed or belief, you must face the same stages  of life as anyone else, including death. This is the  reality. We may choose to waste our lives pursuing a perfection that isn’t there and a peace that doesn’t really satisfy us. When instead, we should appreciate what we have and, yes, improve on it. But not at the cost of losing our compassion and ability to relate to other human beings as persons and not as objects.

When Buddha was teaching the four noble truths, the first truth he taught was that “life is dukkha”. The word “dukkha” is a Pali word which has been  inaccurately translated as “suffering”. However, a more accurate  translation of the word “dukkha” is “dissatisfaction”.  A dissatisfaction that cannot be resolved until we stop hanging on to our attachments - whether they are material or abstract in nature.

Paradoxically, we may find peace in our lives and discover perfection in our lives when we recognise that peace and perfection aren’t in the future. That in reality they can be found in our  ordinary everyday lives. If we are prepared to  receive.  and

Is this the authentic peace we are seeking? Is this a perfection that transcends all things?

You decide...

Confessions of a Buddhist at Heart

SADNESS IN HAPPINESS

 

I hesitate to express my thoughts and feelings. I’m afraid of being misunderstood, or even ridiculed. I have progressed a lot in my journey of self-discovery. I have tried to capture this experience in the pages of this blog. I have tried to find a greater meaning to my life and, perhaps, reaching beyond the limitations posed by a restricted view of the world. I sought happiness and satisfaction. I did all of those things.

 

This journey has led me to a spiritual investigation encompassing rich traditions ranging from Christianity to Buddhism. I believe that this process has helped me grow and mature as a human being. I can truly say that I am happy. I really am. Yet, you might find it strange if I told you that this happiness is sometimes permeated by a sense of sadness. A sadness that I can’t really put into words without distorting it. A sadness that I feel when I witness the human stories of unnecessary suffering often brought about by  our failure to relate to others as equals.

 

For, in truth, happiness is a state of being while sadness is an emotion. While we tell others not to be sad, feeling sad is an intrinsic part of life and, indeed, it makes us able to express our compassion to others. You may be happy but feel sad. As I type away, I am happy but sad because I know that people around the world are still facing pain and suffering while any  pain and discomfort I experience pales in comparison.

 

AN AWAKENING?

 

I admit that today I came to embrace the teachings of the Buddha and to better understand what Jesus was teaching in the first century of the Common Era. Yet, in spite of these teachings of love and compassion, under the pretence of belief, we choose to separate ourselves in terms of proclamations. There are many ways which we may choose to define our belief. I may claim I’m a Jew, that I’m a Christian, that I’m a Muslim, that I’m a Hindu, that I’m a Sikh and so on. I may also claim that I’m a non-believer or even an atheist.

 

Yet, there is no such a thing as a non-believer. Everyone believes in something or someone. It’s part of being human. The danger is one we cling to those beliefs and close our minds and hearts to what we judge as being different or absurd. When you relate to another person, are’t believing that the other person is, in some form or another, there - beyond yourself?

 

Today, I declare I’m a Buddhist at heart. I don’t claim that I adopted all aspects of Buddhism. I have questioned and still have doubts about some aspects. Yet, I have found meaning in what I learned. Ironically, perhaps, I am also discovering parallels with the teachings of Jesus and that of the Buddha. I’m not implying that these traditions are the same. What I’m saying is that they share a basic teaching of love and compassion. A message of forgiveness and reconciliation. And, I feel, this is the most important thing - if not the only important thing.

 

By saying that I’m a Buddhist at heart, doesn’t mean that I now detest all I learned from my upbringing as a Roman Catholic. On the contrary, it is an opportunity to more fully appreciate the different teachings and the wisdom contained within those teachings. For, I believe, these people didn’t die to have millions of people kneel and pray to them. They certainly didn’t want people to oppress or kill others in their name. What they really wanted was for us to change our minds and hearts and not close ourselves to a self, which scrutinised, reveals to be empty.

 

In this sense, our emptiness isn’t implying that we don’t exist. Rather it’s saying that we cannot exist to ourselves. All we have and all we are is not our own. It’s a gift we are given by those around us and by the world which sustains our body and mind. In other words, we are co-dependent. At the same time, we must face the reality that, irrespective of any belief we might subscribe to, we are all impermanent.

 

DISCOVERING A UNIVERSAL HUMANITY

 

I have said this before but it’s important to emphasise that as long as we are human beings,  we all go through the same stages of life. We get sick because we are made up of living matter. We get old because our  bodies are constantly renewing themselves. It may sound strange but our bodies today are not the same ones we had 5 years ago and we have also changed the way we look at things. Ultimately, we will one day die. That’s something we all share. We may rarely get sick, or die young, but all of us die.

 

And yet, we seem to live as if this world was our permanent home. We live a life hanging on to our possessions. We put our self above everyone else, believing that we are independent and don’t need anyone else. I admit I am also guilty of holding on to such delusions. However, now I commit myself each day to be more mindful of these thoughts. I don’t want to continue suffering under the influence of afflictive desires, to lose all reason as I am burned by hate. Most importantly, I seek to free myself from the chains of ignorance. An ignorance rooted in an  attachment to all the world has to offer.

 

I’m no better than others. This might sound harsh but we often cling to an idea that we are the most important thing in life. Don’t get me wrong, I am important but I must never forget that who I am today and what I have achieved was only possible thanks to the many people who had a part to play in my life and those who influenced me through their teaching and ideas. There may be many people to thank. Many I don’t even know or met personally. Or whom I’ll ever meet. We often forget that our experience today depends on a chain of people which make our life possible.

 

LIFE IN A CUP OF TEA

 

As I await my cup of tea, I remember my dad who is brewing the tea. I thank him for taking the time to prepare it for me. But, I must also thank the ones who packed the tea for my consumption. The people who have sold the tea to my family. The merchant who got the tea to Malta (my country). The people who have collected the tea leaves in convenient sachets.  Last, but most crucial, the people who spent the time picking the tea leaves and those who processed them to produce the basic component of my cup of tea. So many people and so many connections. There, are of course, many other factors that made this moment of drinking my tea possible but I would bore you to death. And I have learned that every instance of our experience is unique and precious.

 

This is at the reason I have decided to open my heart and express what has been silenced for a long time. I have found meaning in my life. I have found an authentic freedom and happiness beyond my expectations. I am at peace. Yet, as long as I’m human, I will still get sad, still get angry and still feel resentment. However, as I meditate during this quiet afternoon, I realise that as I develop my mindfulness, I feel free from the suffering caused by a failure to recognise the essential impermanent nature of my human experience. Freedom from the suffering caused by a belief that I don’t need anyone in this life.

 

EMBRACING THE HUMAN HEART

 

Truly, when I state that i’m opening my heart to you as a person and describing my embrace of the Buddhist way, I’m simply sharing with you, a stranger, an experience of discovery. While everyone finds happiness in their own ways, I only wanted to share with you a realisation and an affirmation that I have found refuge in the Buddhist way..  I am not even saying that I abandoned all I learned from Christianity. Truth is truth.

 

Today, I’m actually sharing my humanity. And that transcends all our divisions we might built to separate us from each other. Perhaps we fear to admit that, in essence, our differences are secondary to the most important reality in our life.

 

The reality of being human!

Living in Denial

The moments that I stop from my daily routine and sit in silence as I meditate have been unique. They are times of the day when I simply retreat to an inner place. Usually I try to set aside some time before sleeping to practice. I can't really explain what goes in my mind as I attempt to find peace and tranquility of mind. It's not rare that I find my thoughts shifting to other matters that relate to my life, such as things I have to do, things I need to check or emails I need to send. At other times, I find I discover within a profound sense of peace or, at times, a feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction with the way things are.

Perhaps a common misconception people have of meditation is that it is an escape from reality and an attempt to annihilate the self. Yet, what meditation does, or at least ought to do, is to make you more aware of who you are and to be mindful of ultimate reality. It encourages you to deal with a reality that is often taken for granted or even denied. Other than an escape from reality, it brings you closer to a deeper appreciation of the world, nature and life itself. It places the self in a context that is universal, connected to the world and others and affirms our common human experiences of disease, old age and death. It doesn't deny the self but emphasises that the self doesn't exist out of its own will but exists because there are conditions ranging from the most basic such as food and water to the more complex such as society and culture.

Unfortunately, we are becoming detached from the full human experience. Technology is becoming a source to escape from dealing with the real world. Yet, technology is not the problem but, I think, it's rather our desire to escape a reality that can be sometimes unpleasant or even painful. It is a natural fear of the unknown that resides beyond the reality of death and human suffering. We hide the sick and dying in institutions and, worse still, we avoid to be in the presence of those who are experiencing unavoidable suffering. It's as if the reality of our own fragility and mortality exposes us to the fact that, despite our social, political, religious or cultural differences, we cannot escape death.

Until we come to a point where we are aware and accepting of this reality, life will appear meaningless struggle which we strive to escape from. On the other hand, embracing our essential commonality as living beings enriches our lives and brings happiness to our daily life. First, of course, we must stop living in denial.

A Personal Meditation on the Body and Attachment

The practice of meditation is making me more aware of whom I am. I can say that now I feel more in control of my thoughts and feelings. Indeed, that’s what mindfulness is all about. Taking responsibility for how you react to the world around you. While you can’t help feeling how you feel at times or the way you think – especially in particular situations where you react because you have strong opinions and emotions about a specific topic, if you are aware of what is going on through your mind at that moment, there’s a greater chance you can control your reaction.

Being mindful, I soon realised was not that easy as I thought. It requires a certain degree of self-discipline but it’s worth every effort. I admit that it’s difficult to keep from reacting in the manner you’ve grown used to for years. Yes, there were occasions when I let anger or resentment, for example, get the better of me. That is why I feel it's important for me to find a time to contemplate on my life in the wider context of my human existence. For as I delve deeper into self-awareness, I am realising how much my self is influenced by society and my background. But I was still caught rather off guard when my reflections took me back to my childhood. To the darker times of my early life.

Don't get me wrong - I had a happy childhood. But one thing bothered me. My body – the fact I had a mobility impairment. In truth, my impairment didn’t worry me that much until the age of 5 or 6. By that age, I had adapted to my impairment and found no real problems with the fact I walked differently. However, as I started attending school, I noticed that mostly the adults around me treated me differently –. In time, I understood that people had an issue with the fact I walked perhaps in an odd way.

Slowly but surely, my greatest desire was to walk like the other boys in my class. Since we present ourselves to the world through our bodies, if our bodies are rejected or considered 'inferior', it's inevitable that we also feel rejected as persons. Indeed, my greatest suffering wasn't caused by my impairment but with the fact that society appeared to exclude me as a person. Indeed, as a young boy, I started to believe that I was the problem. I had to change.

The fact that these ideas were reinforced by science, on the one hand, and religion, on the other, left me with a deep sense of guilt. I wanted to improve. I wanted to walk properly. Was I doing enough? Was I praying well? Was I being punished for a sin I did? Was I letting my family and loved ones down? Was I really deep down, a bad boy? All these thoughts fuelled further my desire to walk properly without tiring so much. With all the good intentions, even my family thought that my life would be much better if I could walk like other children. I was made to undergo physiotherapy, attend a faith healing service and, yes, was taken to Lourdes when very young to be 'cured'. I was holy, sinful, broken, deformed, inspirational etc etc All at the same time!!

Now that I thought I had grown out of all this I discover that there's still part of me that thinks I am not good enough because I have an impairment. Make those 2 impairments. And while it's painful to know that I am still affected by the exclusion I felt as a child and my attempts to be like other children, it's also a liberating experience. For that I have become aware of my attachment to an idea of a 'perfectly' working body and while I cannot undo the past, I can let go of this clinging that I realise is still there in my mind.

For, at the end of the day, by hoping against hope that I can walk again, would be hoping for the impossible. It would be like throwing a ball and wishing that it would rise up instead of falling down. It would be like believing that by simply having faith, you can go against the laws of nature. It would be like believing that we will get healthier or stronger as we age. It would be like putting all your energy on an unrealistic goal. While I can't completely discard the possibility of miracles, I believe that we cannot live our lives expecting one to happen.

After all, as I am learning from my meditation, our life often passes us by but we often miss noticing it. We are too absorbed in our own inner minds. We tend to be trapped in a cycle of action and reaction with little time to think about those around us. Until it's too late.

Living a life without contemplating our existence can only guarantee that we don't even get to know who we really are. And, surely, that is the greatest tragedy of all as we remain stuck in a false reality chained to our ignorance, desire and attachment.

Into the Internet Wilderness

This is my last entry. At least, it'll the only one I will be writing for the next two weeks for sure. I'm also stopping from using social network for the coming two weeks. I have been thinking of becoming an Internet hermit for a while since I started my investigation of the nature of life through my study of Buddhism. I knew that I had become too reliant, and perhaps dependent, on social media. While our dependent natures are inescapable realities, not all forms of dependence were beneficial. And, I started wondering whether my use of social networks, and by extension, the Internet, getting out of hand? Was I perhaps hiding from a part of myself which I was reluctant to recognize or accept - preferring instead to choreograph a virtual life and masquerade as a person who was happy enough. At the same time, sincerely attempting to live up to an illusion with all the good intentions.. At the end of it all, I am asking who I had become to my inner self. Could I the free again from the imposition of a disillusioned identity I had created myself? More fundamentally, I have been asking myself whether I had allowed my Internet alter ego take over the basic values and aspirations I had before I became involved with the network. Admittedly, it wasn't that bad because I did make new friends and expanded my contacts. However, despite the friendships i have made and will make through social media, I think that it's more worthwhile if I took a step back and examine who I am in the context of a changing reality. Regrettably, I know that the modern world prevents me from being completely separate from the web of the internet spider. Indeed, I will have to keep using email to keep up with my work commitments. However, this fact that doesn't mean that I have to think of myself as a technological "slave". I believe that it is a matter of being mindful of your thoughts and feelings when using technology. Taking care to put it in the right place and not giving it power it does not have in its own right. I admit, I don't know if I will succeed in living without the use of social media for these two weeks or so.I will do my best to keep up away from social networks. I hope to learn something about myself and will come back with my observations on the The ZoneMind by the end of these two weeks.

So, until the 22ndAugust 2011, I'll be off from social networks, new media, and other forms of internet communication - with the exception of email. Until that date, I wish you all the best!!!



Marsaxlokk, Malta
Tuesday, 9th August 2011

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