Renewing Trust After Betrayal

Recent experiences where I was misled and deceived led me to question once again, my trust in other people. In the past, I had been taken for a ride so many times because I was young, inexperienced or even because I was disabled and different. I had also my fair share of disappointments were I built high hopes and expectations, only to discover these were just hollow illusions. In time, I would start to trust again and took care in choosing well whom to trust.

However, we remain human. And, despite my meditation practice, there are things that can blind, metaphorically, the best of us. Not that I’m the best. The point is that when the self hears things that it likes to hear, it tends to lower its usual defences. And, as the illusionary ego grows and grows, it has the tendency to take over common sense. From then on, there is a danger that the delusion becomes reality and, in effect, any doubts are countered by irrational thinking, you’ve reached a point of no return.

Thus, when you learn that all your time and energy you invested was entrusted to deceitful people who just want to exploit your pride for their own advantage, then there is your reality collapses. You wake up from a dream into a hard reality. And, as in my case, you only want to hide away and cry. You start blaming the people who betrayed your trust. You want to find a way out. You don’t want to face the fruits of your mistakes. You even try to pretend it never happened. And you return back to reality, you cry and cry until you want to escape from the fact that you’ve been betrayed.

Even if other people may have had a large part to play in breaking your trust, deep inside you blame yourself for being too trusty or even stupid for not spotting the red lights. Then, you discover that you are angry at yourself. At letting your guard down and following the chants of the tempting sirens. At that point, you start questioning yourself and, perhaps, doubting all the decisions you take from then on. Not that you didn’t do this before but, now, there’s greater suspicion and mild paranoia. Can you recover from betrayal? Can you trust again?
Some time has passed since these events took place in my life. I haven’t yet recovered from the feeling of being betrayed. I am not fully recovered from a feeling that I am still vulnerable. In this sense, this was a painful experience but also a wake up call. It reminded me that inasmuch as I have moved forward in these couple of years, I will never be completely immune from temptation, emotion and desire.

I remain human with all the good and bad that comes with being human. Whether or not I renew my trust depends on many factors. What I can say is that there’s no magic formula. People are people. The nicest of human beings are capable of deceiving or betraying you if they believe they’re somewhat justified in their actions. Yet, it’s impossible not to trust anyone in the world. The very foundations of human society is based on a degree of trust. We trust that the water we drink is safe. We trust that the food we eat is free from poisons or contaminants. We trust that the builders who build our houses used the right material. The list is endless.

The only thing we can do is to be aware of who we are. To be mindful of what we are thinking. To take the time to know yourself. My mistake was that I noticed the warning signs but I chose to ignore them in pursuit of a flight of fancy. If I had been perhaps more receptive to the thoughts that were going through my mind before I took the wrong decisions, I might have prevented all this from happening in the first place.

While I will try to be more careful in whom I place my trust, there’s no guarantee that I’ll be forever safe. For, unfortunate as it may be, human beings will continue to find more subtle ways to betray and deceive others. On the other hand, you cannot give up on trust completely. Knowing yourself is a great way to protect yourself but it isn’t foolproof.

And when you’re betrayed, you should have the courage to accept what is and take remedial action if you can..

But denying it will only render you a slave to the betrayer.

A slave to your own self.

The Emptiness of Reality

Have you ever felt like you are going nowhere? A feeling that somewhat or somehow, you have to get to terms with a new reality. A reality that, you realise, is at odds with what you believed to be true. Yet, this feeling of emptiness has been growing over the course of the last few months. 

Admittedly, you may conclude that this emptiness is a negative thing. There is always the temptation to escape from such an emptiness or to avoid dealing with it altogether. But that would only be postponing the inevitable and setting oneself to a great fall. At least, this is what I think would happen if I ignored it. I’m not implying that the experience of finally awakening to reality isn’t unpleasant and, it can even be painful. A pain that emerges from the knowledge that you’re alone and nobody else will understand.

The truth of the matter is that even if anyone bothered to listen, they will never fully understand the extent of another human person’s experience. Our lives, yes, may be similar in many ways, but the way we interpret reality remains largely subjective and relative to our particular human contexts. This is not denying that there is no truth or that all actions are good and ethical. Far from it,What I am saying is that there is too much inconsistency between what we believe and what we practice. 

In this sense, we are living our own illusions. We belief we hold the only truth and while proclaiming our respect of other views, we persist in mocking any view that challenges our reality. Any view or person, for that matter, who goes against our convictions. We immerse ourselves into a pride that is ignorant of its own existence . A pride that projects itself as loving kindness but is, if you examine it, nothing but vain self-indulgence.

I am guilty of the same faults that I accuse others of having. I am not completely free from jealousy, envy or selfish desire. However, as I grow more aware of these afflictions, the more I recognise that emptiness which is this reality I live. For, no matter what I will gain from possessing the world, I will end. Again, this ‘end’ that I speak of doesn’t imply that life has no value or no meaning. 

Indeed, being aware of our emptiness compels us to rejoice in every moment of life. Yes, even when life is filled with pain or disappointment. Even when we feel misunderstood or isolated, there is an emptiness that reminds us to keep into perspective our reality. An emptiness that keeps our sense of self within its limits. For, whether we are have or have nots, whether we are rich or poor, and whether we are believers or non-believers, the fact is that we will one day die. 

I still find myself clinging to an identity. A need to be valued as an individual that is separate than the rest. This is not bad in itself. Yet, there is the danger that our desire to be valued and appreciated comes at the expense of the happiness of others. It’s then that what is indeed empty starts appearing to be real. That is at the root of the illusion of a reality based on the belief we are immortal.

Visions of Tomorrow

I’m writing this on a quiet Saturday morning. I plan to publish it tomorrow. And unless, something went wrong, you’re probably reading this on Sunday - but not before. I had a good night of rest but I went to sleep with a feeling of sadness and uncertainty following last night’s meditation. T the time of writing, yesterday was Friday  May 2012. But what does this date really mean?

Yes, I sometimes lose the sense of time. Whenever that happens, it’s always rather unsettling. Perhaps I’m getting old but should this be happening when I’m still 31? But, I guess that my experience of life is unique to me. Yet, at the same time, my life as a human being shares with you many common realities. The differences that separate me from you, indeed, are mostly artificial and secondary. Our position on Earth exposes us to the same challenges of life. Our needs are similar. The only differences are, in many cases, a result of our own preconceptions and models of how the world works that are fabricated by our minds.

I am still disturbed by what came up during my meditation. I will have to reflect more on its significance. I hope to be able to write an entry or two in the future. Yet, tomorrow I will be changed person as I wake up to a new day. I may not even be here tomorrow. Then, who would have written this? I will be just not here and, honestly, I don’t know where I would be. For tomorrow is only a thought only exists in our minds. It isn’t real in the sense that it is not tangible and, in truth, it is unreal. The only thing I can be sure of is that today I’m still alive and in relatively good health. I don’t know whether I’ll be around tomorrow. Granted, there’s a good probability that I’ll be here. But, still, my knowledge is limited. What tells me that a catastrophic event will hit Earth?

I don’t know. While one may be tempted to live in fear of the end, I have come to realise that death is ultimately our final destination. We may believe there’s an after-life awaiting us but there’s no certainty that another reality beyond this life exists. What I really have is the present moment. Thus, even if I still fail in this, as I grow in mindfulness, the more I have come to appreciate the present moment as a gift that I have been given without really doing anything to deserve it. 

And, whatever the future will bring, I  will try to be open to this unique opportunity to live for another day...