Burying the Self

I am.

Can I proceed and add more to that sentence without risking becoming someone that is really not who I am. Apart from that, aren’t the words “I am” already presenting a lot as these two words attempt to capture an idea that can only be poorly represented using language.

I have been engaging in deep meditation for some time. However, I have realised that, even when we think we can better relate to the world, the truth is that we must come to a point when we become aware of the empty nature of things. The statement “I am” attempts to describe what cannot adequately expressed using the conventional means of communication. There’s no single aspect of who we are that can define who we are.

While the person we call ‘self’ is real in a sense, in many ways this ‘self’ is just a product of the interactions that are happening in our minds and bodies.

Sadly, we are often too attached to the way we have come to see our selves than to reflect on who we actually are. We are separate and unique selves but, at the same time, who we are is intrinsically linked to the world around us. We are part of nature but we remain distinct, in some way, from nature. We can be with others as one but still retain our own identities.

Naturally, we tend to associate ourselves with a group of friends, be part of a community where we can share our beliefs. Find that we like a particular form of music or read books that seem to talk to us. Inasmuch as all this and more can help us in getting to know the world and who we are, they can never define who we are. Not even religion or science or even art can define who we are. It may define our ‘self’ in the world but they don’t tell us anything about who we are.

The unfortunate thing is that we tend to define who we are in these terms. We talk about who we are referring to our work, our religion, our position in the family and so on. But, if everything else was taken away from us. Or, else, we come to the point when we have to face our own death, how would we define who we are then? If we think of the story we built to define who we are, would we have a rope to keep us from drowning into desperation?

Of course, the self remains an important aspect of who we are as it helps us function in the world. Yet, there is more to us than this self. For, positive as it might be, this self is constantly changing. It is changing right now as I type this entry. Your self is changing as you read this entry. It is in this space where we pause from the writing of our life story that we can find who we are. In it’s in that split second when we have to decide what to do and what to think that we may hope to find ourselves.

It is difficult in today’s world to retreat to a place where we can be really silent and aware of what we are thinking. As I grow in my practice of meditation, I realise just how much ‘noise’ is going on in my mind during the day. But, now, I have come to realise that who I am goes beyond what I thought I was.

However, it remains hard to completely detach myself from the story I Have constructed to define who I am. Yet, while that doesn’t mean I want to annihilate the self that helps me function in society, it does mean that I am more aware of the fact that my life will change and my life will end. I cannot hope that someday I will be happy or, worse still, seek to bring back an ideal past.

Here, I must be ready to bury my old self and live again.

An Elusive Silence

I find it difficult to find moments of complete silence in today's wold. I remember that as a child, I could find a place at home or when I'm outside when there's almost complete silence, interrupted by the pleasant song of birds and possibly the sounds of crickets in the summer months.

I don't want to sound too nostalgic here. But, the fact that as I grow in my Buddhist practice of meditation, the more I've come to appreciate the value of stillness and silence. Unfortunately, if the silence I am seeking depended on the environment or the people around me, then returning to a past where there were times when the world seems to rest and simply become silent for just a few hours.

Today,, we are literally bombarded by a cacophony of noises, music that is sometimes too loud to bear, the sounds emanating from our mobile phones and email programmes informing us that we received a request of some kind, or a reply and so on. Requests that distract our attention from the world around us. Tools that are meant to enhance our communication but which, at times, isolate us from those who are around us.

I wonder if my own need to keep in touch with the virtual world is but an escape from facing the immediate world. Or, if this as sometimes an attempt to escape from a silence that might draw my attention to parts of who I am that I rather not explore. Parts of me that I would rather be unaware of. Painful or disturbing memories of a past that I wanted to forget. But, then what does this say about me?

If we are seeking more a life where we need to be connected with the world from the moment we wake up to the moment we are getting to sleep, what does this say about us?

The reality is that, unless we can travel to a remote part of the world where technology hasn't caught up, the reality of those who are living today in most parts of the minority world and small parts of the majority world, remains one where silence is a rarity or an impossibility. However, amidst this noisy world we have created, I still find time when I can find a silence.

It's not a silence where's there's no sound such as that found in the vacuum of space. It's the silence I find as I become aware of my breathing. As I stop moving and just rest my body and let my thoughts pass by. It's a silence where I know that I have a time when I only need to listen to the world around me and not necessarily react or respond. It's simply stopping and noticing the sounds around me, the vision I still have and be aware of the sensations of my body.

This is the silence that I may aspire to. For, even if we use our mind and body on a daily basis, we often take all this for granted. That is, of course, until we become ill or are in pain.

It is recognising the uniqueness of our present experience that we can actually enjoy life and discover that silence that provides us with the space to be who we truly are!

On the Dawn of a New Day

I find myself writing this early in the morning of another Monday. The first day of the week. The second week of the new year. All this appears to promise a fresh start to life. But there's no guarantee that life will deliver us the peace and happiness we seek. Nor can we expect that other people can ever solve our problems and lead us to liberation. Nor can we rely simply on faith or belief in our view of how the world works or how it ought to work.

We seek to be individuals and to assert our identity. Yet, we simultaneously wish to form part of the wider humanity. As Donne put it, no man is an island. We are caught in the conflict of human existence. In order to love others, we need to love ourselves. But to truly love ourselves, we need to love others. There doesn't appear to be any resolution to our human condition. However, aren't we in a interdependent relation with the world and others?

Are we not always open to the world that surrounds us in the process of defining who we are? Aren't we mirrors of each other, reflections of each other? And yet, relatively independent of each other? Isn't our very self ever changing and constant

at the same time? Does our temporary existence make us more, or less, real beings?

And, does it really matter? For, in the context of lived experience, engaging into idle speculation carries the risk of distracting us from the life's we should be living in the now. It can rob us of the opportunity to get to know each other better and, as a result, get to know who we are better. Such speculation may lead us even to reduce living beings to mere abstract objects without autonomous being or identity. Speculation may simply fuel our narcissism and confound the distinctions between genuine effort and artificial ones only seeking to glorify the self.

A self, which in truth, remains relative and is never absolute in its reality.

I pause and stop. For I'm thirsty. Neither these words or sentences can ever truly quench my need for nourishment. This is our human condition. Failing to recognise our frailty is an insult to our integrity.

Through the Eyes of a Child...

To yesterday's child:

I thank you for not judging me because I appeared different. For recognising my difference and, yet, not holding it against me.

I know that you might have been fascinated by my wheelchair and wanted, as you did, to drive it around. Actually, to drive me around…

I appreciate the little time we spent together. The short time we spent getting to learn something about each other.

Perhaps, then, you filled within me a need of a little brother or sister, whom, you know, will seek you when they’re afraid of the dark and trust you will reassure them and take away their fears.

You might have also stirred deep in my heart, a paternal instinct that desires to care and protect all whom may feel unsure about life. Frightened of a a life which sometimes appears so new and unknown. Especially when facing moments of sadness and doubt following a disappointment or an ugly event you still can't express or have the words to describe..

I am not sure whether I gave you anything in return. I know that I was tired and maybe I could have shared more of myself to you.

I am neither sure what impression I left on you. Or whether I could have seemed distant. If so, I am sorry.

For sure, you have renewed my commitment to look beyond the illusion of the self.

A self so preoccupied in defending its hollow existence that it finds no place for others.

A self so absorbed in the lies it tells itself that it is ignorant of its unreality.

And the reality of life?

A life made up of joys and sorrows, life and death, love and hate.

A life where we share a common experience of humanity.

Born into a world and a life we don't choose - to live on through all the good and bad, and, ultimately, to die without knowing what there is beyond with any degree of certainty.

This life. Precious and unique. And, yet, a life we take so for granted.

We experience dissatisfaction as we seek refuge in a material life that is, in itself, impermanence and empty.

There's no happiness...

Until we are ready to recognise our vulnerability not as a sign of weakness or servile submission but as a matter of fact. That we were never meant to be divided amongst ourselves and accept we all need the help and support of those around us - whoever we are..

A humility that forces us to look at at each other on the same level because we are the same human beings. Similarly prone to the ravages of time and decay of matter. .

Birth, ill health, old age and death. No one can escape them. But we can make our life and the life of others worthwhile if we're ready to be more compassionate and less judgmental. Less accusatory. Less ready to fit people into boxes when we come to relate to them on a personal, human, level.


And, yes! It had to be you, a young child who reminded me of the need to open my heart to the other. To open who I am also to my own awareness.

Only with a motivation to learn from our experiences.

Dear yesterday's child,

Since we never had the time to say good bye, I would like to tell you that I will cherish our short encounter for as long as my memory will serve me..

I wish you all the peace and happiness for the future and for the present - which remains the more important as all futures depend on it..

I assure you that you have given me more than I can ever give back.

Thanks.

An Old Self That Clings On

It’s the end of another day and as I take a good look at myself, I realise how much I have changed on one level and, yet, how difficult it is to manifest these changes. Indeed, during the times I’m alone and have to face my inner being, if you may, I do notice a conflict between who I am discovering to be authentic about who I am and how I come across to the outside world.

It’s not that I’m living a double life or expressing two completely different identities. Both this new sense of being and the old self seem to co-exist but, at the same time, each self has a story and a history and world view. These may be not necessarily opposite and they certainly don’t represent any split personality. They are more like an inner light that is hidden away by clouds. While the light is there and sometimes feel strong and clearly visible, circumstances only serve to obscure the beauty of this light with its preoccupation with what should be and a dissatisfaction (dukkha) that diminishes our appreciation of the present moment.

I do realise that there is a struggle between part of my being which opens my heart to a basic humanity. A being, so often misrepresented by popular media, of a compassion beyond conditionality or status. A compassion that recognises a universal dependence our essential impermanence.

Yet, it’s not easy to start to be the change you want to see in the world (to take line from Gandhi). It is painful because the safety of habit and the life we get used to provide us with a sense of comfort and relief. Considering another way appears too painful - not just for us but, yes, also for others in our life. A change of mind and engagement with our harts and the hearts of others requires more of us than simply uttering a few words of allegiance or a prayer. It may require to accept our nothingness in the light of a vast universe. It may mean recognising that our life is an ordinary life when compared to the life of the people inhabiting this world. It may be extraordinary in many other ways, but we all have to go through the same stages of life.

The habits we inherit from our previous past remain part of who we are today. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing and I believe I must accept that I have lived a life in the past I may need to change some aspects of this past. I feel that without accepting the reality of the past, there can be no growth and a great risk of getting too attached to truths that present themselves as absolute and never changing. Reality - a reality, which in itself, is ever changing and always being renewed.

In this sense, a radical rejection of the past would mean uprooting our roots without finding fertile soil to grow our sense of being. At least, at this point, I do find it difficult to really express what I feel inside. And I can’t expect that I will change overnight. But change must happen progressively like any process of growth one finds in nature. For, yes, we remain creatures of nature. Unique and impermanent.

Renewing Trust After Betrayal

Recent experiences where I was misled and deceived led me to question once again, my trust in other people. In the past, I had been taken for a ride so many times because I was young, inexperienced or even because I was disabled and different. I had also my fair share of disappointments were I built high hopes and expectations, only to discover these were just hollow illusions. In time, I would start to trust again and took care in choosing well whom to trust.

However, we remain human. And, despite my meditation practice, there are things that can blind, metaphorically, the best of us. Not that I’m the best. The point is that when the self hears things that it likes to hear, it tends to lower its usual defences. And, as the illusionary ego grows and grows, it has the tendency to take over common sense. From then on, there is a danger that the delusion becomes reality and, in effect, any doubts are countered by irrational thinking, you’ve reached a point of no return.

Thus, when you learn that all your time and energy you invested was entrusted to deceitful people who just want to exploit your pride for their own advantage, then there is your reality collapses. You wake up from a dream into a hard reality. And, as in my case, you only want to hide away and cry. You start blaming the people who betrayed your trust. You want to find a way out. You don’t want to face the fruits of your mistakes. You even try to pretend it never happened. And you return back to reality, you cry and cry until you want to escape from the fact that you’ve been betrayed.

Even if other people may have had a large part to play in breaking your trust, deep inside you blame yourself for being too trusty or even stupid for not spotting the red lights. Then, you discover that you are angry at yourself. At letting your guard down and following the chants of the tempting sirens. At that point, you start questioning yourself and, perhaps, doubting all the decisions you take from then on. Not that you didn’t do this before but, now, there’s greater suspicion and mild paranoia. Can you recover from betrayal? Can you trust again?
Some time has passed since these events took place in my life. I haven’t yet recovered from the feeling of being betrayed. I am not fully recovered from a feeling that I am still vulnerable. In this sense, this was a painful experience but also a wake up call. It reminded me that inasmuch as I have moved forward in these couple of years, I will never be completely immune from temptation, emotion and desire.

I remain human with all the good and bad that comes with being human. Whether or not I renew my trust depends on many factors. What I can say is that there’s no magic formula. People are people. The nicest of human beings are capable of deceiving or betraying you if they believe they’re somewhat justified in their actions. Yet, it’s impossible not to trust anyone in the world. The very foundations of human society is based on a degree of trust. We trust that the water we drink is safe. We trust that the food we eat is free from poisons or contaminants. We trust that the builders who build our houses used the right material. The list is endless.

The only thing we can do is to be aware of who we are. To be mindful of what we are thinking. To take the time to know yourself. My mistake was that I noticed the warning signs but I chose to ignore them in pursuit of a flight of fancy. If I had been perhaps more receptive to the thoughts that were going through my mind before I took the wrong decisions, I might have prevented all this from happening in the first place.

While I will try to be more careful in whom I place my trust, there’s no guarantee that I’ll be forever safe. For, unfortunate as it may be, human beings will continue to find more subtle ways to betray and deceive others. On the other hand, you cannot give up on trust completely. Knowing yourself is a great way to protect yourself but it isn’t foolproof.

And when you’re betrayed, you should have the courage to accept what is and take remedial action if you can..

But denying it will only render you a slave to the betrayer.

A slave to your own self.

September 11: An Open Wound?

I have already talked about the terrible events which took place in the United States on September 11, 2001 last year in the  post entitled 10 Years of Fear. Eleven  years have passed and we do well to remember the memories of those who died on that day and those who died as a consequence of 9/11. But it would be wrong to stop there and not be ready to move on, and, yes, let go.

For, horrible as 9/11 was, this event isn’t actually the cause of all the distrust and intolerance that we still witness to this day. Hate and revenge have always been a dark part of human nature. If you look closely and reflect on what might have caused 9/11, you may be surprised that there’s a very rational explanation to why we have reached such levels of hate and violence.

The fact is that even before 9/11, there was fear. But accounting for 9/11 in terms of fear may appear too simplistic and unsatisfying. Thus it’s important to qualify how fear operates at different levels. Thus, we can speak of the:

Fear of Change

As long as some do not accept that the world has changed, they will try to externalise their frustration through hate speech and violence. Thus, we have ideologies that misappropriate religion for their own political interests. Recent examples include the American Christian Right and Ismism. All promise to return to a world where they feel safe and control because they cling to a false belief that only one view of the world is valid.

Fear of Loss

Some of us  feel threatened by the ‘other’. There is a tendency for us to believe that our view of the world is correct. A false belief that we are independent selves and that we’re better or more superior than other people. We feel threatened by difference because it challenges our map of reality. We are ready to cling to beliefs that are irrational or incorrect. We justify violence because we see it as a way to protect who we are - or who we think we are. Thus, we have sexism, racism, disablism and so on and so forth. In a sense, we become slaves to the labels we give ourselves.

Fear of Losing Self

Finally, perhaps the subtler of fears. The fear of losing our self. In a way, this can be compared to the fear of death. But, the only difference perhaps is that this fear is more present and a real possibility. We fear to face who we are may be because we are not really sure of who we are. We keep holding on to our convictions not out of genuine effort but because we know that, if challenged, we are defenceless. We want to retain control and fear change because we were never on a solid foundation to start with.

There are no easy solutions to fear. However, what is sure, is that closing our minds and hearts to others who we perceive as different, foreign or as a threat, won’t heal the wound. Indeed, this may worsen the cycle of violence and hate that exists today. There remains a mistrust in our world which is somehow justified.

For, the modern war (if you may use that word) is increasingly becoming an individual matter. Everyone can be an enemy. It may even be a friend, a relation or someone you know. The recent shootings in Aurora, for example, exemplify how easy it has become to commit  individual acts of violence. There, are of course, suicide bombers still killing others they want to destroy and killing themselves in the process.

Thus, it’s now not only a matter of nations or world leaders whether there’s world peace. Then, it follows that it becomes more important that we are the ones who work for peace. Yes, there is the fears I discussed above.

We fear change. But, in truth, change is part of life. Ironically, we cannot change the fact that things change. It’s not a good or bad thing because change leads to growth and can lead to progress. Rejecting change means that we remain in a world that, however safe, is not real.

We fear difference. Perhaps because it challenges our view of ourselves. Accepting difference might mean to abandon our idea that wee are better than other people. Even labelling others as ‘less fortunate’ is a false belief that we don’t have any control over our lives or that injustice and inequality is natural and inevitable. Yet, while we are different on some levels, we are all human beings who share in the joy and suffering of life. Whoever we are, we were born of a mother, we all get sick, we all get old and we will all die. In this respect, our identity will not change this - even if it may change how we deal with these processes.
 We fear to lose who we are. But, how much of who we are has been given to us by others. Our names to start with. The fact is that there is no constant self. We aren’t who we were ten years ago. We’re not the same selves we were when we were children. This will change. Thus, our fear will not help and denying the fact that there are people who may be different than us leads nowhere but self delusion.

What does all this have to do with 9/11? The tragic events that happened on that day didn’t happen just like that. They happened because of many factors, one being fear. The fear of reaching out to others, a fear to accept things as they are and fear of losing our identity. A fear that has continued feeding into a cycle of violence. A cycle emerging out of a failure to communicate and reach out to others. A failure to correct injustice and poverty because of national interest.

It’s a failure to look at people who appear different than us as being part of us. Part of one human family facing the same challenges and all having the potential to improve the world.
We can’t afford to remain insulated in our own worlds of beliefs. We need to challenge and change who we are. Silence may help but if that means we stop talking to each other, it can be destructive.

Today, humans have the potential to build a better world but, at the same time, they have acquired weapons that can reap havoc and even destroy the whole planet in a matter of hours. Peace is the only rational choice. For, whether we like it or not, we are all in this world together. And while it may sound rather naïve to use such language, the truth is that we may need to start outgrowing the idea that we are distinct human beings but rather consider to be people with differences rather than different people altogether.

For history has shown that violence only breeds more violence. By continuing this violence by pretending to defend ourselves from another 9/11, we would be doing the same thing the hijackers did on that day. We would be killing our ‘enemy’ but, at the same time, we would be killing ourselves.

I believe that renewing a dialogue based on peace and mutual respect and cooperation is the only way to honour those who died (and are dying) as a result of the 9/11 attacks.

It may be the only way to prevent more 9/11s…

The Ethics of No Self

Last Friday, I found myself in the front garden of our summer home waiting for a van that seemed will be delayed. I had to wait. But, as I breathed in the fresh air of the summer morning. As I felt the gentled breeze of a cool morning on my face and hands, I felt at peace. I was lost. I felt no pain. The only thing I noticed was perhaps the cool air filling my lungs. But, eventually, I wasn’t there any more.

I was still aware of my sensory perceptions. Yet, at the same time, I was there but not there. I had, at that moment, no pain, no worries and no wants or needs. In that state of awareness, it didn’t even matter who I was any more. In a way, it was like sleep. Indeed, it was like I was dead to the world. Everything was alright. It didn’t matter what happened to me. And, in truth, I had no real control over many of what happened in my life.

And, as I emerged from that state of no self, I realised that what seemed like a very long time was actually just about five minutes. Where was I during that time? Was death just the cessation of all suffering that is caused by our attachment to a self? Indeed, was the self, a delusion and had no basis in fact? I pondered my thought further. For, what I felt or did not feel, during that moment was a realisation that I shouldn’t fear death that much.

Here, I’m not saying that life is to be wasted or that life is devoid of value. What I am saying that, often, it is that we become so attached to our ‘self’, that we forget that our ‘self’ constantly depends on our minds and bodies, on our world and on the people around us. In addition, there will be a time when we are not. And that is not an unfinished sentence. For, yes, when we die, we will not be who we (think) we are today. Indeed, it wouldn’t really matter to us who we are for we would not be able to conceive a separate identity or even of a ‘self’.

Of course, there was a time when I was not. A time when none of us were. For me, it was just before the 1980s. Yes, the time before I was even conceived! In this sense, there was a time when who I was wasn’t important. A time beyond self. And, this might be the truth about who we are. Or, rather, about who we are NOT. For, whether we believe it or not, our self may not be based on reality because an ‘objective’ reality never exists for us or any living being. This is because we will always experience our world through our senses. In a way, none of us can claim to have authority over truth.

Again, I’m not saying that there is no truth. What I am saying that we don’t have the capability to know absolute truths. There will always be a piece of the puzzle missing or, indeed, we may not have the means to find that piece in the present. We live in our own realities, if you may, and our sense of self may help us to better connect the fragments together. Yet, it would be a mistake to conclude that our final picture is the truth.

Who would we be without feeling? Without thought? Without emotions? Without society? Without the world? Without language? I could go on asking and asking more questions. But, I believe, that the answer to all these questions is simply that we would be not. After last Friday’s meditation, I realised how futile it is for us to give our ‘self’, an existence and importance as if we could exist without the smallest of living beings and without our brothers and sisters who form part of our human family.

Understanding this, I believe, is understanding the ethics of no self. For, if who we are closes our hearts and minds to others, then we are living the delusion of the self.

Random Reflections on Death

Last Thursday, I woke up to what appeared to be going to be just another. day. True, I was still recovering from my back pain and even today, I am still completely pain free. Thankfully, my arthritis isn’t giving me significant problems and I went to work as usual. Yet, I insisted that it was just another day. But, was it? For that matter are the days of our life all the same? Why we forget that, as far we know, anything could happen at any point during the day or night.

Indeed that night, the right side of my body went, for most, tingly and numb. In spite of the fact that this has happened already months before, I was very scared as my circulation returned. In that state of fear and helplessness, one of my worries were because I wasn’t sure of what was happening and couldn’t control it! I was afraid to lose my self there and then. Perhaps I had remained too much attached to who I was. Yet again, there was a fear of where I would go if I would die.

In reality, I realised that I could do nothing. That, at that point, I just needed to let go for anything that is meant to happen and which was beyond my power, will happen.

Surprisingly, there are feelings of anger and fear that emerge once in a while following this experience. I still have to deal with those. However, my feelings may be coming from the realisation that my life may end just like that and how important to do my best when I’m still alive,

Back to the Beginnings

Today, I just realised that it’s been over a year now since I started this blog, I called ZoneMind>. My first entry appeared on 7th May 2011 and I gave it the title Beginnings. I admit that I wasn’t quite sure what how this blog would evolve but, in time, as I attempted to deal with the emptiness and dissatisfaction that preoccupied me during that period, it took a life of its own. My engagement with Buddhist practice has opened my mind to a reality that, in many aspects, challenged my old world view I thought I had mastered.

I am now at a point where I’m unsure of where to go from here. I can’t explain it using conventional ways. Language wouldn’t be able to capture what I’ve been feeling in the last few days. But, it’s only through language that I can convey this feeling and state of being. But, yet, it defies convention and I don’t understand it myself. I have changed so much that I feel like another person. Or, rather, it’s like returning to a state of authentic being that I had a child. A state of mind beyond the restrictions of language and thought. I am more open to the world in a wonderful way that can be overwhelming. I am joyful and sad a…t the same time. Joyful because I am once again aware of the beauty of life and the unique miracle of human existence. Yet, I’m saddened when I witness a world that is obsessed with the idea of power, position and control. A struggle to preserve a self that is impermanent and finite.

But, as I become more mindful of the dark side of human nature, I catch glimpses of this same pride and arrogance of human beings in myself. I must admit to that. Even in my journey of self-exploration, I still suffer afflictive emotions. I still get angry. I still can hate or get jealous. I can still feel self-righteous and indulge in vain pride. But now, it’s different. I’m more aware that, like anyone else, I am very far from practicing real compassion. Yet, now I’m more aware of what’s happening inside, I have a choice - either to react or else to act with care and patience. I am free to act with a certain confidence and patience.

I can find happiness in the sadness of pain and suffering that affects us all as human beings. I can be authentic and genuine only if I acknowledge that many of the problems I have with relating to people and how people relate to me and each other are rooted in an ignorance. An ignorance, not in the sense of stupidity, but in the sense of not knowing or being unaware of the reality we live in.

The reality in which our life as human beings is finite and impermanent. A reality where our experience arises out of a relationship between the senses, material reality and living beings. We don’t make our bodies or form our minds on our own. For this, we need the world, other people and our senses. We need to recognise that fact. I have now appreciated this fact because it affirms a certain truth hidden deep within my being. A truth I had felt as a child when I used to watch the waves of the Mediterranean sea coming up to the beach when I used to swim at the fishing village of Marsaxlokk, Malta.

There was a harmony of nature. The sun in the blue sky. An occasional floating cloud shaped in ways I would imagine. The clean fresh air. The pleasant breeze of a soft summer wind. I was then, one with the sea, with the sand, one with those who swam in the same sea I sweat. During those moments, I felt connected to everything - free from the chains of language or conceptions. I don’t know why I should remember this. But, I guess, that was then, and things have changed. I grew up. My body is no longer that active, my eyes not as sharp and I am burdened by the knowledge of the world. Inasmuch as such knowledge is important, it isn’t reality. It’s only a reflection but not reality.

I feel I cannot go on living my life as I was before, Now that my mind is more clear, I feel I’m still confined to a life that has lost its shine. It appears that I’ve outgrown my ambitions and plans for the future. I wasted too much time seeking happiness when this can only be found within and not outside. It is then only that I can dare to go beyond where I do not know. But, before I make any radical changes in my life, I need to take some time to reflect and ponder the real purpose of my life. Yes, I may escape and leave things as they are and that would be easy. But then, I will have to live a life that I didn’t really want. A life that is dissonant with what I feel I should do.

I need to reflect. I need time.

I hope to return soon.

But, for now, I need to know.

In Memory of Identity - Part 4

Continued from Part 3

The realisation that our memories, and consequently, our identities can be so fragile and vulnerable might make us feel sad. On the other hand, it should help us reflect more on the preciousness of the everyday moment. It should make us more aware of how unique and sacred the experience of living is and open our hearts and minds to those around us and to all living beings.

The awareness of that who we are today would not be possible were it for the people we have met throughout our lives should make us reflect on how co-dependent we are on the world. For if it wasn’t for the material world, we wouldn’t be able to sustain our bodies. For if It hadn’t been for the many people, past and present, who taught us how to be human, we wouldn’t be seeking more from life and asking what life is all about. For if it hadn’t been for the Earth and all the conditions that made life possible, we wouldn’t be here as a species and would have never evolved in the first place.

I want to grow and practice mindfulness not to achieve fame and fortune but to find the peace and happiness that sometimes still eludes me. I know that I am not wise and did falter before and I am sure that I will falter again. However, I realise that, despite my failings, change does not come without a degree of sacrifice and an open mind.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be in a position when I start forgetting who I am. I confess that the possibility does frighten me. However, life is unpredictable and it could happen. I hope that those around me will still view me as a human being and support me in the best way they can. I also hope that as I drift into forgetting, I will appreciate the present moments as I experience them. For, even now, the present moment is really what we experience. And it flees away so quickly.

The End

In Memory of Identity - Part 3

Continued from Part 2

People who have severe memory loss challenge our ideas about identity. They force us to consider that our identity isn’t as solid and constant as we wish to believe. If this wasn’t the case, we wouldn’t grow. Change would be impossible and we wouldn’t be able to adapt. Life without change leads to an inevitable death. There is no escaping that fact.

Buddhism talks about the principle of dependent arising which is relevant to this reflection on memory and identity. For while we may deem people having memory loss as suffering, 

we experience suffering ourselves as we witness another human being fading into oblivion. It’s undeniable that the person experiencing memory loss may be going through a nightmarish existence where nothing makes sense any more.

Yet, the more I contemplate this reality, the more I realise how I, myself, don’t exist without a frame of reference. We exist in relation to others. We define ourselves in relation to the world around us. Our identity is not absolute and is in a flux. A single experience, a word, or even a piece of music, can alter our sense of self. And we can’t even claim to be self-made as we’re tempted to do in a Western society preoccupied with independence and individuality.

For in truth, the memories that remind us of who we are or we think we are have been shaped by our friends, family, society, history, culture, language and many more. Our contribution to our identity becomes significantly limited. But, we have the most important tool in our mind. We can choose to remain passive and complacent or learn to cultivate awareness. 

Many times, I notice that people go on living as if their life was immortal. They take life for granted without opening their minds to the world around them. We are sometimes too concerned with preserving the memory of our identity when, in fact, the self is only the product of many processes working together to create an illusion of self. A self dependent on our senses, our perceptions, on our histories and the context we’re living in. Ultimately, we hold all this together thanks to a memory that, as a product of mind, is also prone to decay.

Continues...

In Memory of Identity - Part 2

Continued from Part 1 

 

We often underestimate the importance of memory in defining who we are. Indeed, our identity is dependent on memory. Our past only exists in our memories. We create our present from the accumulation of memories. Even our futures are often rooted in our past and present experience which we remember thanks to our memory. If we had to forget everything we learned in the past, or incapable of creating new memories, it appears to us as an unbearable existence. For, in truth, memory is at the basis of everything we think of as human.

 

If there was no memory, there would be no history since historians wouldn’t remember what happened yesterday and wouldn’t feel a need to record it. Science wouldn’t exist as knowledge about the world is lost as soon as it is observed. There would be no need for politics, religion or philosophy as in a amnesiac world, time becomes irrelevant for to perceive time, we must be able to know what happened before and assume that after this moment there will be another one and yet another. There would be no language, for no one would be able to remember concepts or words.

 

To us, who are so unaware of how dependent we are on memory, a life where we lose our memory to the point of forgetting ourselves is a fate comparable to death It’s only natural to fear this sort of death. But are our memories really that reliable and infallible? Aren’t our memories like everything in life, prone to distortion and corruption? Is the past we reminisce about an authentic representation of the past that existed? Are we really in tune with our present existence? Are our futures but projections of our fears and desires with no firm grounding in reality?

Continues...

in Memory of Identity - Part 1

First, let me start with a haiku

I do lose myself
In a nature beyond me
Finding compassion

After a hard day and a deep restful sleep, I sometimes find myself having to adjust once again to a waking state. I need to make a little effort to remember what happened last night and what I had to do that morning.

Even if it’s not as worrying as memory loss that characterise some mental states, I wonder where my mind was during the time I was asleep. Where was I? And who was I? The truth of the matter is that during sleep, we enter a state not that different than death.

When you hear about the death of someone, even if he or she is not close to you, we are momentarily forced to reflect about the everyday reality of death. Yet, we fail to see that each day, in many ways, we are dying on different levels. Inasmuch as death terrifies most of us, we are also afraid of one day waking up to realise that we don’t know who we truly are any more. The prospect of forgetting ourselves is, of course, associated with old age.

However, more serious cases of memory loss, such as dementia are particularly disconcerting as they effectively conditions that threaten our belief in an ever present self.
During sleep, we forget who we are. In that condition, who we are becomes immaterial. We need to rest and, if that means completely shutting down to the world, we are willing to forget the world for a while. We don’t plan to sleep or can really suppress it for long without experiencing health or psychological problems. It’s not only natural but it appears to be necessary for our wellbeing. Yet, when we wake up, we need to function again in a material world. There, we turn to our memories.

Continues...

Lonely but not Alone - Part 2

Continued from Part 1

Now, we reach the final point of life when this loneliness manifests itself most strongly. a stage of life that every living being must undergo. Death. A five letter word which, in many ways, forms the basis of human history and has defined our species. Ironically, death has also ensured that our species survived all these millennia since it ensures renewal and fresh life. However, even putting it in that perspective doesn’t make it more desirable. Death frightens us for many reasons. One of the reasons that we fear death is that we don’t know what awaits us on the other side.

However, one thing that scares us is the fact that no one can die in our place. We know that once we die, for all we know, there will be nobody. Even more frightening is the realisation that we may lose our sense of self and be nothing - as if we never existed. I’m reminded of the Buddhist teaching that “form is emptiness, emptiness is form”. whatever we may believe, there is nothing in the world that can exist without others. Our craving for an “I” only makes us forget that even if we may be lonely and misunderstood, we may take the opportunity to find ourselves reflected in others and thus grow in compassion.

For, at the same time we feel lonely, many millions are also lonely. while you’re feeling unwell, many millions are unwell or even dying. when your time comes to die, keep in mind that millions of people are also dying and scared of what is beyond. There are also millions who are hoping for a better future and, in their own ways, are doing their part to reduce the suffering. We share this life in all its beauty and its horrors. But, at the end of the day or our lifetime, all the artificial boundaries that set us apart in this life, will become meaningless vanity..


THE END

Lonely but not Alone - Part 1

There are times in our life when we realise the extent of our loneliness. once we leave the safety of our mother’s womb, we find ourselves in a world which appears hostile and foreign to us. we may be surrounded by all the loving and caring people in the world but lacking the ability to make ourselves understood, we can only cry and express ourselves through our bodies. as we grow older, we manage to figure out how to get across and better communicate our needs and, eventually, develop an identity and personality. But this is only possible through our relation with others.

 

Indeed, who we are today is actually a result of many factors., starting with our early experiences with our mothers or caregivers, proceeding to our interactions with other children, then with figures of authority (teachers, religious figures, policemen, etc). The way those around us behave or the way they treated and defined us all has a lasting influence on who we are today. In this sense, the idea of a self-made person is a myth since it assumes we are unaffected by our bodies, society, culture religion or traditions., 

 

There is so much that goes on in our mind that we don’t notice. It’s when we find ourselves in a crisis that we start asking the questions. and at these times that we find ourselves almost in the same situation of our past unborn bing with an important difference. Now we’re not safe and sheltered from the outside world any longer. But we may again feel as if the world can’t relate to us which forces us to retreat to our own inner world. Yes, we may not be alone but very lonely. You’re aware that insomuch as people may be compassionate or sensitive, they won’t fully understand what is going on in your mind and heart.

For some people, disease and illness can be a moment when you realise how easy it is to lose your strength and wish that you were well again. In those moments of weakness or pain, there is a realisation that you’re alone in your experience - and yet, you know that many others have gone through a similar ordeal. But then, it’s you who are immersed in it. It may be part of our life journey as human beings but because it’s ours, it becomes the more significant and intimate.

But while accepting that all this is part of the life process doesn’t remove the pain, it opens up your heart to the pain of others. This pain need not be the cause of suffering. This doesn’t mean one gives up on life and on getting better but accept the impermanence of things and, yes, rethink your life’s priorities and learn to detach yourself from the past and try to build a better future.

 

CONTINUES...

The Fruits of Cooperation

When I was still a teenager, I participated in a simple enough team building exercise. A balloon was tied to our legs and the only instruction we received was to make sure that we preserved our balloon for five minutes. The person who still had a balloon tied to his or her leg after five minutes,won the game. At the time, I could still walk but it I couldn't compete with others. As the exercise started, every one proceeded to burst the other's balloon. I don't recall how long my balloon remained intact but it didn't take long I am sure. By the end of the exercise, all balloons were burst and no one had saved the balloon. While this exercise might seem childish, as I reflect more on the concept of interdependence, the more I realise how this simple exercise speaks volumes about human nature that is under the illusion that it's independent of others and which believes that it exists in its own right.

Like the participants in the balloon exercise, we assume that the only way to make it through life is to be better than others. That by resorting to any means to get what we want, we will gain happiness. True, we may feel happy and proud of having prevailed after winning over our competition but are we really winners? What if we made sure that our happiness doesn't have to come at the expense of others' happiness? Indeed, what if we helped in enriching the lives of others by making sure they find their own happiness? That we help them gain freedom from suffering created by a belief that the only happiness can be attained if they had it for themselves? or for a select few? These are not easy questions and in today's world, with its stress on individuality and competition, it might be unfashionable to speak of community and cooperation.

In this sense, our lives are not that different from the situation faced in the balloon exercise. In an attempt to preserve our happiness and protect our identity, we assume that the only way to be happy is by having something more than our neighbour. When, if you think about it, if we just waited those five minutes without bursting our peer's balloons, we could have all been winners! But it only took one to start the havoc. Perhaps it can take one person to start the change for the better. And this person may be you or me.

It's really our choice...

Why do we have to die?

If you consider the many ways we express who we are and the different rolls we take on during our lives, it's not difficult to appreciate that how we define ourselves is dependent on context, our background and mood at the time we engage with the world and our inner selves. In simple terms, we have a need to express ourselves in a variety of ways, such as through artistic creations, scientific endeavours or by religious or spiritual practice.

While we may have a preference for one area over another, the fact remains that our attempts to express who we are and thus define who we are stems from a need to defy death in our own way. Whether this entails leaving a masterpiece, make a new discovery or even have children, we want to be remembered and gain a kind of immortality . Ironically, even those wanting to end their life by committing suicide are trying to tell the world something that we aren't noticing or are so lost in our private worlds that we see only as far as our inner circle.

These are important questions, and require some thought and more investigation. And I feel that I've neglected this aspect of myself which also defines who I am. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to struggle for the rights of disabled people like myself. But, I'm at a stage of my life where I need to take a good look at my priorities in life and think more about whwant to achieve in life.

The experiences that impairment and the manner society has reacted to me (often disabling me) and all the adaptations I learned to make to address any limitation of the body, have influenced me for life. And even if many may assume my physical and sensory impairment were sources of great sadness and disappointment, my experience tells me a different story. Indeed, on the contrary, my apparent limitation has forced me to swallow my pride on many occasions. It also placed me in situations where I had to find alternative solutions to tasks that average people take for granted. More importantly, my differences have helped me refrain from judging others by their appearances because I knew how strangers have judged me.

But it's a trap when you think you can fight these forces by living a life that affirms your right to humanity. The risk is that by doing so, you become enslaved to a cage of your own making. In other words, you become stuck in a one dimensional reality. As a consequence, you avoid or neglect the other aspects of your life that you cherished since childhood. In my case, my longing for answers, my love for writing and my hunger for meaning. Ultimately, our quest for a degree of immortality and our thirst for purpose in life are our way of dealing with a Hunan concern.

Why do we have to die?