A Violent Awakening

Last Wednesday, I was admitted to the state hospital soon after I finished breakfast or about twenty minutes. Or so dad would tell me. Apparently, I threw up and lost consciousness. I would wake up again at the emergency department trying to figure out what had happened and where I was. It was as if I wasn't there when all this happened. Even if I was discharged on Saturday, I remain in excruciating pain in my legs and back. It appears that my back had fractures caused by osteoporosis witch I developed later on in my early 20s due to treatment for another condition.

However, the details aren't that important. I found myself in hospital once again. My life, once more, interrupted. An unknown future ahead. Not that there's certainty with any future. But when such a 'violent awakening' occurs, I tend to stop and reflect on where my life is heading and what'll come of me if this will take a long time to improve.was I living the life that truly fulfilled who I was?

And there were I fear that, despite the pain of my current state, I realise that I long for more from life than the path I've chosen so far.a lingering sense of dissatisfaction and emptiness accompany these hours of pain. As if there's an aspect of who I am that I've tried to avoid. A silent calling of the soul. Greater than me and, yet, not foreign. I struggle as I try to express this feeling for language is limited and this state of mind seems to reside beyond language to begin with.

Inasmuch as writing has always provided me with refuge and sustenance in hard times in my life, such as this, i lack the strength to carry on with this entry. When I feel better, hopefully, I'll be in a clearer state of mind to relate to what is at the core of my deep longing.

The Virtues of Pain

It’s now more than a week since persistent back pain caused by an injury has forced me to consume pain medication which adds up to the daily dose f steroids I need in order to keep my general condition under control. These days were also more difficult following a number of disappointments I had in my life. Indeed, only now can I seem to have renewed hope in a better tomorrow. A tomorrow when I can return back to work and join my work mates once again.

Even if I wish to escape the pain, I must admit that, whatever we do,. certain type of pain is inevitable and may be even necessary.

Here I am not saying that I just accept the pain that's purely physical without making use of medication to relief the immediate pain. Indeed, one should make proper use of technological innovation to address the symptoms of pain. But, then again, we should accept the fact that not all pain is valueless and that pain itself can help us connect to others and to our basic humanity.

Such an approach to pain appears to be a contradiction to the pleasure seeking or hedonistic ideal that equates pain and suffering with evil while pleasure and physical comfort are the higher goods of our current age.


While it’s a natural response to reject pain, not all pain can be removed. I have experienced moments of pain where I even questioned if there was any point in going on. These moments often led me to consider even suicide. But these thoughts eventually would last for days or even months until I would realize that, instead of brooding on my bad fortune, I could learn from this experience. It’s not easy as it might appear when expressed in words and I don’t judge those who failed and and are no longer with us.

However, I can’t help worry about the implication of a hedonism that aims to reject pain because it often leads to the elimination of those people whose lives, due to their pain, are deemed unworthy of living as their lives are perceived as insignificant burdens and ‘lies not worth living’. A life such as my own. In addition, a pleasure seeking attitude to life may result in a decrease in palliative care treatment and lack of funding in pain management research. It would mean removing the person instead of alleviating the pain.

There were many things I reflected upon during these times of pain. Things that I had forgotten as I went about with life until I was forced to stop. I realized how, in spite of any disagreements, my family was there to support me.

I realized that my friends hadn’t abandoned me in this moment of need. I realiszed that if it wasn’t for the work of many others unknown to me, I would’t have anything to brink or eat, no electricity, no means of reaching out to the world. If it hadn’t been for those who encouraged me to ask the right questions, my life today would have been different. Finally, if it hadn’t been for doctors and scientists that have developed treatment and medication to deal with conditions like my own, I would not be here today.

In this sense, pain reminds us of our own vulnerability as human beings and awakens us to the fact that we need each other in life and that we are part of one single human family.

Back to the Beginnings

Today, I just realised that it’s been over a year now since I started this blog, I called ZoneMind>. My first entry appeared on 7th May 2011 and I gave it the title Beginnings. I admit that I wasn’t quite sure what how this blog would evolve but, in time, as I attempted to deal with the emptiness and dissatisfaction that preoccupied me during that period, it took a life of its own. My engagement with Buddhist practice has opened my mind to a reality that, in many aspects, challenged my old world view I thought I had mastered.

I am now at a point where I’m unsure of where to go from here. I can’t explain it using conventional ways. Language wouldn’t be able to capture what I’ve been feeling in the last few days. But, it’s only through language that I can convey this feeling and state of being. But, yet, it defies convention and I don’t understand it myself. I have changed so much that I feel like another person. Or, rather, it’s like returning to a state of authentic being that I had a child. A state of mind beyond the restrictions of language and thought. I am more open to the world in a wonderful way that can be overwhelming. I am joyful and sad a…t the same time. Joyful because I am once again aware of the beauty of life and the unique miracle of human existence. Yet, I’m saddened when I witness a world that is obsessed with the idea of power, position and control. A struggle to preserve a self that is impermanent and finite.

But, as I become more mindful of the dark side of human nature, I catch glimpses of this same pride and arrogance of human beings in myself. I must admit to that. Even in my journey of self-exploration, I still suffer afflictive emotions. I still get angry. I still can hate or get jealous. I can still feel self-righteous and indulge in vain pride. But now, it’s different. I’m more aware that, like anyone else, I am very far from practicing real compassion. Yet, now I’m more aware of what’s happening inside, I have a choice - either to react or else to act with care and patience. I am free to act with a certain confidence and patience.

I can find happiness in the sadness of pain and suffering that affects us all as human beings. I can be authentic and genuine only if I acknowledge that many of the problems I have with relating to people and how people relate to me and each other are rooted in an ignorance. An ignorance, not in the sense of stupidity, but in the sense of not knowing or being unaware of the reality we live in.

The reality in which our life as human beings is finite and impermanent. A reality where our experience arises out of a relationship between the senses, material reality and living beings. We don’t make our bodies or form our minds on our own. For this, we need the world, other people and our senses. We need to recognise that fact. I have now appreciated this fact because it affirms a certain truth hidden deep within my being. A truth I had felt as a child when I used to watch the waves of the Mediterranean sea coming up to the beach when I used to swim at the fishing village of Marsaxlokk, Malta.

There was a harmony of nature. The sun in the blue sky. An occasional floating cloud shaped in ways I would imagine. The clean fresh air. The pleasant breeze of a soft summer wind. I was then, one with the sea, with the sand, one with those who swam in the same sea I sweat. During those moments, I felt connected to everything - free from the chains of language or conceptions. I don’t know why I should remember this. But, I guess, that was then, and things have changed. I grew up. My body is no longer that active, my eyes not as sharp and I am burdened by the knowledge of the world. Inasmuch as such knowledge is important, it isn’t reality. It’s only a reflection but not reality.

I feel I cannot go on living my life as I was before, Now that my mind is more clear, I feel I’m still confined to a life that has lost its shine. It appears that I’ve outgrown my ambitions and plans for the future. I wasted too much time seeking happiness when this can only be found within and not outside. It is then only that I can dare to go beyond where I do not know. But, before I make any radical changes in my life, I need to take some time to reflect and ponder the real purpose of my life. Yes, I may escape and leave things as they are and that would be easy. But then, I will have to live a life that I didn’t really want. A life that is dissonant with what I feel I should do.

I need to reflect. I need time.

I hope to return soon.

But, for now, I need to know.

Celebrating HH the 14th Dalai Lama's 76th Birthday

Photo of HH the Dalai Lama

On the 6th July 1935,  a boy called Tenzin Gyatso, was born to a poor farming family  in North East Tibet. If it had not been for the fact that at around age 2, he was not identified as the 14th reincarnation of the Dalai Lama, nobody would know who this person was. In fact, many people only know him by his title. I wouldn’t have predicted that I would be writing about this man, who for the people of Tibet remains a source of hope and for many who bother to get to know more about him, like myself, cannot fail to be touched by his humanity and his genuine interest to understand other people.

This isn’t meant to be a biographical account of the Dalai Lama’s life  and there are many sources to get this information. However, what I can say is that though it was unfortunate for the Dalai Lama to have to flee Tibet following China’s invasion in 1949, his refuge to India helped to raise awareness about the Tibetan cause, as well as introducing Tibetan Buddhism to the West. Not only that, but the Dalai Lama has been open to new knowledge gained from scientific enquiry and has met top scienties from around the world across various areas to discuss  what makes us, basically, the nature of reality. In addition, I admire him because he denies that he is a god-king and, recently, he gave up his role as a political leader and declared that the people of Tibet should elect their own leaders. Moreover, while retaining his position as the spiritual leader of the Tibetan people, he does not exclude a time after his death when there will be no longer the need for the institution of the Dalai Lama. 

I think the first time I recall seeing the Dalai Lama was when I was about 14 years old. Even if I couldn’t understand it, I sensed this man projected something unique that you rarely witnessed in daily life. A feeling of authentic engagement with the audience, a sense of unconditional acceptance and a feeling that he was talking to you on a human level. My interest in Buddhism would grow from there but given the mixed information about Buddhism I got from those who should have known better, I always held back from delving into understanding what Buddhism was about or to read works by people who practice and teach it. Perhaps I was afraid of going against the faith I was brought up to believe and, honestly, I was still rather young and immature in certain matters - even if I had always struggled in knowing why people die or suffer in this world.

In addition, there are still plenty of misconceptions about Buddhism that people in the West have. While it’s true that Buddhists believe in cyclic existence or reincarnation, it would be wrong to reduce millennia of Buddhist doctrine to just that belief without examining its basis or that the actions we do in our lifetime have consequences and that these actions will leave an impact on our current lives and possible futures. There is also the idea that Buddhism is atheistic which is only partly true because Buddhism holds that whether there exists a God is problematic as it holds that everything arises dependently on other causes and conditions and thus nothing (including a creator God) can exist as such. It has also been argued that Buddhism is nihilistic and that it denies the existence of things. 

However, the Buddhist doctrine, if you study it closely, is commenting on how reality exist and not whether reality exists. For example, you are able to read and understand this text because you have learned language, and English at that. If it had not been for you having learned toassociate the symbols of the alphabet and that each letter stands for a sound and that a collection of sounds and letters produce words and speech, then this text would be meaningless. And while you’re there, even the words we use have their own history and we have our personal relation to certain words. This is especially true of words with strong emotional content such as “love” or racist insults. Now, nobody will contest that words do exist but Buddhist doctrine is making us aware that words depend on other factors to become what they are - in this case. Therefore, without knowing the code for deciphering language, and understanding what words represent and ultimately to understand the concept behind those words, then this text would be not better than a random patches of black shapes Z surrounded by white spaces. And then even the words “black”, “shapes”, “white” and “spaces” have more than one meaning, such as those relating to colour, race, place, form, etc.

Of course, I can’t really deal with all I’ve learned on Buddhism from my reading of the Dalai Lama’s translated works. Nor do I pretend to be any expert but just a beginner. Indeed, these past months have been literally life changing and I still have much to learn about Buddhism and the meaning of happiness. I don’t regret my upbringing and early spiritual interest in understanding the purpose of life. The more I sincerely wished to understand what other beliefs, the more I realised that there was a common longing to find “home”. I don’t even claim that Buddhism answers all the questions about life but, I feel that it has touched me in a profound way that words just cannot fully capture.

I have written a lot already. So I’ll leave you with a quote from the Dalai Lama, which in a simple way, captures the entire philosophy of Buddhism:

“If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion”

HH The 14th Dalai Lama (6 July 1935 - ...)

Online resources:

Office of HH the 14th Dalai Lama 

Mind and Life Institute

The Gifts of Boredom

Since I started this blog, I can’t help asking myself whether it was a good idea after all. Indeed, who I am to ponder the questions that have troubled human beings since the beginning of human time? And when I speak of religion and spirituality, am I really mature enough to know what they really mean? And besides, who is really interested in considering the profound questions posed by consciousness and awareness that “knows that it knows”? Yes, part of me is also curious about how many people on the net are actually reading what I am trying to express here.

Since the start of this year, I had to spend a considerable amount of time in bed due to a medical issue. While, thanks to technology, I could still keep in touch with my friends and what was happening in the world, the fact that I had to spend many days away from work and life in general meant that I was frustrated. To make things worse, a back problem rendered me even more helpless than I ever was. It can be a boring life, I admit, and considering my previous life as a disabled activist and researcher which was quite a fulfilling one, this new life seemed empty and pointless. Where was my life going?

It’s surprising how when we are faced with considerable time on our own without much to do, we start noticing things about who we are that we may miss during our busy lives. We have the time to revisit past memories and even dwell on things we wish to do but cannot do. We even resolve to change how we live our life as if it was the new year. And I couldn’t help reflecting on my own fragility after being rendered helpless due to a toe infection and back pain! I also thought about the time in my late teens when I was close to death. Then it was far worse, I admit. Yet, my concerns about my purpose in life and, by extension, the nature of death; returned to haunt me.

This thirst for answers and hunger for purpose reawakened a part of me that I had forgotten or buried deep in my unconscious. A sort of emotion, feeling, state - I can’t find the right word. But I think that it could be best described as my spirituality. While I have already talked about the pitfalls of religion, this is the place I would look for answers. After all, religion is not the problem itself but rather it is how people manipulate religion to suit their ends that is the problem. 

However, before threading any further into my spiritual journey, I owe it to you to provide some background information about my relation to religion and spirituality because it is central to understand how my present outlook developed over the last months.

Awakening

I admit that I started this blog in an attempt to capture an Experience that changed my outlook on life in many ways. As you probably figured out by now, I don't have a defined plan or know what will emerge during the course of my writing. The fact is that I don't understand much of what is happening in my mind that much myself. What I can honestly say that, in many ways, I have changed.

Let me try to explain...

When all of a sudden, life seem to contradict your model of how the world works. When the priorities of your life appear less important. When you find yourself asking the questions that you thought settled again. Then you become exposed to an indescribable emptiness and vulnerable to the prospect of nothingness. When you realise, like the Jewish prophet Qohelet that life is vanity... Vanity of vanities!

This experience is personal inasmuch as it is universal. It's like waking from a long dream, only to realize that it was an illusion. A mirage that fooled you that you were drinking cool water, when in reality you were burning your stomach with scorching sand.

That's why it's often referred to as an "awakening". But when you wake up from the dream of a world which seeks only for itself and believes that its immortal, then you must be careful not to fall asleep again.

For even if it can be a lonely place, a state of awakening is a precious space in time that provides you with the opportunity of real growth.