Pain - Teach Me Life

I'm in pain once again. It's my back and legs now as well. It's hard and I struggle to type this entry in my present condition. So, I'll limit myself to a few reflections.

Of course, it's difficult for me to cope at times. I get to ask the question - why me? After all, I have been through so much over these years that I don't need this. Yet, when I realise how others may be going through much more serious suffering, I am compelled to ask why not me. What makes me so 'special' as to be spared to share in this human experience? Wouldn't be arrogant of me to expect to be spared just because I have through enough pain?

Doesn't this experience offer me the opportunity to Learn about who I am and my relation to others and the world?

Should I consume myself in anger and personal concerns while failing to grow in compassion? Aren't we, humans, all in the same situation? No one can escape this.

I also lay my hope that like everything else, this will end. Even if, at present, it seems hard to believe. I could deny myself the possibility of hope and indulge in self-pity and close my heart to the world. But that wouldn't help me or anyone for that matter.

This is my current reality. Uncomfortable - sure. Unnecessary - perhaps. But, useless it is not.

I witness the present moment. There's pain that comes and goes. But every one of these moments is unique and I must trust and live in the realities that surround me.

There'll be times of hope and others of despair. Successes and failures in how I dealpain. Yet, I refuse to define myself with this temporal pain. My humanity goes beyond that.

I may choose to drown in despair or affirm life by accepting this experience, learn from it and letting go.

Nobody can decide this but me.

I will try to choose to follow the path of hope.

This is a choice that no one can make on my behalf.

But it's a choice that I must make.

The Akwarell Speech: A Message on Independence, Hope and Thanksgiving

Opening Statements

Welcome your excellencies, members of parliament, distinguished guests, family and friends and all those of you who came to celebrate this occasion.

An occasion so important in my life and in the life of my other friends who will be joining me in this new experience...

Today, we are here to celebrate the official opening of our new home, Akwarell*.

To mark this occasion, I wish to share some of my thoughts about what this means to me.

About Community...

At present, Akwarell is just a building. But, I hope, together with my friends, we will turn this building into a home, in the best senses of the word. I think that the name we have chosen for this house: 'Akwarell', expresses how we want this home to be a place to express who we are both as individuals and as a community.

Indeed, in the same way an artist would paint the akwarel, we hope this building will serve us to express our best colours but, at the same time, create something that we could only create with one another. A community of friends.

About independence

However, what Akwarell means goes even beyond that. Akwarell is a place where we can be more independent. Here, it's important to explain what I mean by independence.

Independence does NOT mean we will do everything on our own. Independence does NOT mean we don't need anybody any longer. Independence means being able to make our own choices. Independence means having the necessary help and support to fulfil our full potential. And, in truth, no one in society can live on his/her own. We all need each other in life.

Concluding Remarks

There are many people whom we must thank for making all this possible, each in our different way.

For my part I must thank my parents and all my family, my friends and my work-mates at KNPD. If it hadn't been for all of you, I would not be here today.

However, today was only possible because of the work carried out by pioneers such as Mons Azzopardi who wanted to give us, disabled people, back our life and dignity. Mons Azzopardi who also helped change the Church's approach to disability from a question of false charity to one of social responsibility. I must also thank those who followed in his footsteps at Id-Dar tal-Providenza, Mons. Gatt and Fr Martin Micallef.

I think that my friends who will be moving in Akwarell in the coming days will agree with me when I say that we are indebted to all those of you who continue to help and support us to achieve the best possible quality of life.
I trust in your continued support.

Thank you all!

Have a good day...

Footnotes

As explained in my last entry Meditations in Watercolor, last Thursday, I participated in an activity to inaugurate the official opening of our new home at Qawra. I explained how I was asked to be one of the speakers for the occasion - especially since I‚ll be one of the ones who will be living there for the forthcoming future. Since some have expressed the wish to get an idea of what my speech was about, I have decided to share the text I used as a guide in document for my speech. Incidentally, I would later discover that November 22 was also Thanksgiving in the US, so it‚Äôs a speech appropriate to mark such a day - which was, in a sense, an occasion of expressing my thanks and gratitude for the opportunity to live more independently.

*The word "Akwarell" is the Maltese word meaning "water-colour painting".

Meditations in Watercolour...

It’s official. I will be moving soon to my new house at Qawra. This house, made possible thanks to the funding and support of, mainly, the local Church and the state, was officially opened. Given that, behind this project, there were important stakeholders, it was inevitable that this event was covered by local media.

I was asked to be one of the speakers. As one of the three residents who are going to live there, I was chosen to write a short speech and deliver it during the official opening. I am not a stranger to public speaking but I always get a little bit anxious before speaking. Especially since I was asked to talk about an event which will radically change my life and the lives of two other mates who I will be sharing my house with.

In my speech, I wanted to convey two main ideas as I reflect ed on what this move would mean to me as a disabled person. I remember how I often thought about the prospect of living on my own but, recent occasions when my health and general condition regressed, I feared that this dream would remain just that. A dream. So, when I was asked whether I would want to live in my own place, I grabbed the opportunity. I had my doubts, of course and I still do.But, sometimes, you must take a leap into the unknown.

In my speech, I also wanted to express my deepest thoughts about this important moment in my life. I expressed my hopes that, together with my mates, this building will not remain a construction made of stones but, I hope will become a community of friends. We chose to call our new home “Akwarell”, which is the Maltese word for “water colour painting” and I explained how our individual differences as disabled people could be compared to the colours found on an artists’ palette. We all have our distinct qualities. We all have our unique beauty. Yet, like the blend of colours found in a water colour painting, together we can create a thing far greater than who we are as individuals.

Another reflection I shared concerned the question of independence. I tried to explain what I meant to me to live independently. That is wasn’t about doing everything on my own. That it wasn’t about denying the support of others. I tried to explain how independence meant to me, as a disabled person, the opportunity to make choices over my life. And even if I may need the support and assistance of others to realise my choices, as long as it’s my decision, then I’m independent. I also reflected on the fact that nobody in real life is truly completely independent from another as we all, disabled or not, depend on one another to live in this world (1).

Finally, I talked about how all the people in my life have contributed to making this moment possible. How, if it wasn’t for the people who sustained me throughout my life - my parents, family, friends, work mates and many others I knew and others I didn’t know - I might have been a different person. I also talked about how if it hadn’t been for visionaries like Mons Azzopardi, a charismatic priest, who worked to promote the idea that we, disabled people, had a right to an equal human dignity which challenged the false idea of charity which belittled us to inferior examples of human beings. I expressed my gratitude because thanks to people like Mons Azzopardi and those who followed in his footsteps, Mons Gatt and Fr Micallef (today), that we have a culture shift also in the Church (2).

Even if I am committed to Buddhist practice, I cannot deny that if it hadn’t been for the good works carried out by the Church in ensuring social justice, I wouldn’t have the opportunity today to live my life to its full potential. I’m also grateful for this and for being able to have a choice in how I live my life and in how to express my authentic being. I remain indebted to the many people who have helped me every step of the way. That, I may never be able to repay. I decided to spend this weekend at home where I have lived most of my life. I’m sure I’ll have moments of doubt on whether I was really ready to make this transition.

However, I feel that, as with any change, there will always be a degree of uncertainty. It’s part of the process of life and refusing to accept the cycle of change leads to decay and death. I will be probably doing a lot of meditation over the coming weekend. However, I trust that this change will bring me new experiences and a fresh insight into who I am and on my relation to others and the world.

For now, I can just say thank you to all those who helped me get to where I am today. To who I am today. Thank you!



Footnotes:
(1) This idea was inspired by the idea of co-dependence found in Buddhist teachings, or the idea that everything depends on another to exist.
(2) Another idea borrowed from dharma, or the idea that we create and are created simultaneously by other objects in the world (whether material or abstract).

This isn't really my life...

We are often exposed to news stories reporting on the deaths of motorists, people still dying in places far away as a result of war, natural disasters or the injustices of poverty and intolerance. But, does hearing these accounts day and night, stir us in any way? Or have we become so used to these stories that we don’t perhaps stop and reflect that, behind these victims, there are real people? People who are suffering or even dying? While the killings still happening in Syria are cause for concern, many other people this minute are dying out of unnatural acts of our human failure to love and respect each other as equals.

So, we have the rich and the poor, the so-called ‘developing’ and the ‘developed’ worlds. There are the fit and the unfit. Christians, Muslims, Hindus, Jews, Buddhists, Sikhs and many other religious traditions. There are secularists, humanists, and atheists. But, if I think about it, all these categories are created by us. Yes, all of us continue reinforcing these differences, often without knowing. We want to belong to a group in society that we feel is more like us. It’s irrelevant whether we identify as criminals, drug dealers, practicing believers, or convinced atheists. If we are given the opportunity to express our feelings, we tend to like those like us.

But, then again, can we really claim that our lives are ‘ours’? Many would claim this is a fact. Our life is our life and nobody has the right to impose anything on us against our will. In this, I wholeheartedly agree. The problem is when we lay claim to all our achievements and to our current position. The illusion manifests itself when we believe, without question, that our bodies belong to us, almost as if they were an object or property we have. With that I would have a problem. For, in truth, if you aren’t careful, you might run off with the impression that you can make it on your own on this Earth. In its extreme form, such a delusion may lead us to neglect our bodies or, worse still, harm others because they become simply possessions and objects to manipulate like any other utensil.

There are a couple of questions I will put out there. I won’t answer them or presume to know the answers to any of them. And, once you start reading, you will quickly realise the answers are pretty straight forward. I will, however add a short comment at the end of each question for further reflection.

Did you choose to be born?

Who brought you to the world?

Have you created the society, the culture, the science, the structure and the world you are now living in?

Have you created the planet Earth and all the living beings that populate it?

Have you created the Earth itself, the planets in the solar system and the Sun?

Have you created this galaxy, this universe and the cosmos beyond?

Have you created the stars and the matter forming the basis of material reality?

Have you sparked off all of this and can truly claim that this life, which spans for an infinitesimal stretch of time your own making?

Of course, we remain responsible for our own thoughts and actions to a point. And, even there, we are always limited as human beings. We still need many others to make it through the day. We need other living beings to survive on this planet. Starting from what we think insignificant such as flies and bees to those we deem beautiful and worth preserving. Yet, if you think about it, all beings contribute in their own ways to the welfare of the planet. Even if it may be yet unknown to us.

Unfortunately, the human species is perhaps the only animal who has actively exploited nature for its own ends. The only ‘self-aware[ being that still assumes that everything will go on as before in spite of the impact of waste, pollution, deforestation, nuclear disasters and so much more.

But, wait, I am a human being too! My life depends o so many people, so many living beings, the Earth and the stars that populate it. I cannot keep detached from all that is happening. Like you and the rest of humanity, my life depends on others. To what extent, I and others, are committed to preserving our Earth. To how far we are prepared to put our differences and desires to control and gain power for the welfare of all human beings. Indeed, our life, our bodies and even our thoughts are not exclusively our own. They are constantly shaped and sustained by the Earth. Even the very atoms and molecular structures that form our bodies originated in the beginning of the universe.

Indeed, as I ponder on the ending of another day. As another night falls beckons. I look around me with a sense of gratitude. As I look at the night sky with my feeble eyes, I ask myself…

Are we all sons and daughters of the stars?

Made of the same stuff.

Matter that will not last forever.

What exists beyond that is a matter of speculation and personal faith.

Back to the Beginnings

Today, I just realised that it’s been over a year now since I started this blog, I called ZoneMind>. My first entry appeared on 7th May 2011 and I gave it the title Beginnings. I admit that I wasn’t quite sure what how this blog would evolve but, in time, as I attempted to deal with the emptiness and dissatisfaction that preoccupied me during that period, it took a life of its own. My engagement with Buddhist practice has opened my mind to a reality that, in many aspects, challenged my old world view I thought I had mastered.

I am now at a point where I’m unsure of where to go from here. I can’t explain it using conventional ways. Language wouldn’t be able to capture what I’ve been feeling in the last few days. But, it’s only through language that I can convey this feeling and state of being. But, yet, it defies convention and I don’t understand it myself. I have changed so much that I feel like another person. Or, rather, it’s like returning to a state of authentic being that I had a child. A state of mind beyond the restrictions of language and thought. I am more open to the world in a wonderful way that can be overwhelming. I am joyful and sad a…t the same time. Joyful because I am once again aware of the beauty of life and the unique miracle of human existence. Yet, I’m saddened when I witness a world that is obsessed with the idea of power, position and control. A struggle to preserve a self that is impermanent and finite.

But, as I become more mindful of the dark side of human nature, I catch glimpses of this same pride and arrogance of human beings in myself. I must admit to that. Even in my journey of self-exploration, I still suffer afflictive emotions. I still get angry. I still can hate or get jealous. I can still feel self-righteous and indulge in vain pride. But now, it’s different. I’m more aware that, like anyone else, I am very far from practicing real compassion. Yet, now I’m more aware of what’s happening inside, I have a choice - either to react or else to act with care and patience. I am free to act with a certain confidence and patience.

I can find happiness in the sadness of pain and suffering that affects us all as human beings. I can be authentic and genuine only if I acknowledge that many of the problems I have with relating to people and how people relate to me and each other are rooted in an ignorance. An ignorance, not in the sense of stupidity, but in the sense of not knowing or being unaware of the reality we live in.

The reality in which our life as human beings is finite and impermanent. A reality where our experience arises out of a relationship between the senses, material reality and living beings. We don’t make our bodies or form our minds on our own. For this, we need the world, other people and our senses. We need to recognise that fact. I have now appreciated this fact because it affirms a certain truth hidden deep within my being. A truth I had felt as a child when I used to watch the waves of the Mediterranean sea coming up to the beach when I used to swim at the fishing village of Marsaxlokk, Malta.

There was a harmony of nature. The sun in the blue sky. An occasional floating cloud shaped in ways I would imagine. The clean fresh air. The pleasant breeze of a soft summer wind. I was then, one with the sea, with the sand, one with those who swam in the same sea I sweat. During those moments, I felt connected to everything - free from the chains of language or conceptions. I don’t know why I should remember this. But, I guess, that was then, and things have changed. I grew up. My body is no longer that active, my eyes not as sharp and I am burdened by the knowledge of the world. Inasmuch as such knowledge is important, it isn’t reality. It’s only a reflection but not reality.

I feel I cannot go on living my life as I was before, Now that my mind is more clear, I feel I’m still confined to a life that has lost its shine. It appears that I’ve outgrown my ambitions and plans for the future. I wasted too much time seeking happiness when this can only be found within and not outside. It is then only that I can dare to go beyond where I do not know. But, before I make any radical changes in my life, I need to take some time to reflect and ponder the real purpose of my life. Yes, I may escape and leave things as they are and that would be easy. But then, I will have to live a life that I didn’t really want. A life that is dissonant with what I feel I should do.

I need to reflect. I need time.

I hope to return soon.

But, for now, I need to know.

Facing the Call - Ending

Continues from Part 3

We’ve reached thee end of this series where I re-examine the purpose of my life. Ironically, it had to be the new year which was prompted me to realize that I couldn’t go on with one of my aspirations mainly due to persistent health problems. I spent these days meditating on this choice between working and living what would be considered a rather 'ordinary' life, I finally come to a realization. Not perfect or complete

I've realized how I may have been superficial in some ways by expecting that by advancing in one area of my life, I could gain a greater value as a person. When I should know that if it wasn't for the many people in my life - parents, siblings, relatives, friends, teachers, priests, - The list goes on and on - I wouldn't be who I am today. In addition, I realize I'm also indebted to the many figures who came here before me and who left their legacy to us. To be honest, I should also include my enemies to the list of people to be grateful to - not for the harm they seek or sought but for providing me with the opportunity to practice patience and grow in many ways in self-understanding.

We're truly so connected to each other and to all living beings and material things that we often miss it. Yet, when we lose an important part of our lives or are faced by a crisis, we become aware of how much we took what we had as if we could never lose it. as if things would never change. as if we had a right to own it - whatever it was. If you think about it, not even 'our' names are even our own. They were handed down to us by our caregivers and names emerge out of a long history and tradition. We all know that we're not our names or titles but we often act as if they had an existence beyond themselves.

But the truth I'm gaining over my Buddhist practice is that nothing actually exists without being intrinsically related to things or, in our case, to things, people and ideas. besides, as I consider how many changes that my mind and body have undergone, it's useless to cling to what we have been given. This isn't saying that we shouldn't value what we have but that we shouldn't give what we have undue value in our life. Like everything else, they must end one day. Yes, that includes you and me.

As I think about the decision I've taken to abandon my previous aspirations, which have to be put aside, I feel sad and disappointed. I can't deny that as I recall how much of time and energy I had already put into it. But the fact is that I'm not that strong to continue as I was. Yet, I've taken a choice to pursue my goal in another way and by using my potential as a writer to the fullest and to develop myself as a person.

The call isn't about gaining fame, fortune or recognition. It's about giving back the world some of what you've received. It's about reaching out to the world by being the best in the service of others - even if it means travellingtraveling in a lonely wilderness.

I think answering the call entails growing in our self-awareness and give our best to others in our own ways. To me, writing and communication may be potential ways of answering the call. However, whatever you feel you must do, answering my call means being authentic to your true being and to the world. But it’s my choice.

END

Facing the Call - Part 3

Continued from Part 2

At times, I really don’t know why I write. For all I know, nobody is reading this blog. I am aware of that with every new post I write. However, even if no one is actually reading these thoughts of mine, I still would feel compelled to write. I had an urge to write since I was younger and even if much of what I wrote rests some place I have forgotten or has since been destroyed, that act of writing would have been significant. Even if what I wanted to express remained lost to time, it granted me the opportunity to reach out of myself. Yes, the act of writing has a social element - it gives us the opportunity to reach out to others. Yet, it also gives us the chance to reach out to ourselves.

Indeed, if I had to read what I wrote when I was 12 or 13, I would have rediscovered part of who I was that had been long buried and forgotten. In this sense, the moment our thoughts are committed to writing, they become traces of the past. While this gives a certain magical quality to writing, the words and concepts we express through this medium remain corrupt versions of reality akin to the same words and concepts which are also distortions of reality they attempt in capturing. At the same time, writing and the language that is carried through this means of communication which is one of the means we have of reaching out to the world and beyond ourselves.

But why, you ask, do I write about writing? What does it have to do with the call? Or with the choices I have to take?It does in many ways as circumstances in my life prevent me from pursuing the path I thought I should follow. I won’t go into detail about these choices - at least not at present. However, suffice it to say that health issues have led me to rethink the choices I have made in different times. And here, writing comes into the picture. Mind you, I don’t intend to embark on writing fiction or long non-fiction works - although these can’t be fully excluded. However, I believe that through my writing, I can positively contribute to my field of interests, which include disability issues. Of course, I will continue my writing on this and the other of my blogs. Indeed, the choice to invest in developing my writing should give me greater chance to explore other facets of life that I might have neglected.

I have almost come to a close to what appears will be a four-part series. I hope that this post and the future ending will not be, to you, a disappointing anti-climax. However, I feel it’s important to deal with real life issues when considering my growth in self-awareness, or rather in my understanding of the meaning of life. Ultimately, anyone who has taken the time to meditate and practice will tell you that the ultimate application of all this undertaking should be the real world outside.

The last question that I need to answer is what I learned from all this. How can I grow by taking this step forward into an uncertain future? Does this what facing the call involve? Does this move to dedicate more of my time to writing actually fulfil my authentic being?CContinues...

Facing the Call - Part 2

Continues from Part 1

We can take a look at our lives as a continuous sequence of changes where we are partly in control of our futures. Our challenge is to be able to live up to the situations that life throws at us without growing too attached to a set of ideas about who we are and what we should be in life. I'm having to learn that lesson over again as I rethink my choices in life. Admittedly, if you consider the nature of suffering in Buddhist teachings, one realises that the account of reality we were invited to embrace is not a sweet pill to swallow. But no truth is easy to digest.W e sometimes refrain from taking important decisions in our daily life out of fear or because deep inside we want what we can't possibly have. In my case, a number of health issues have forced me to rethink my priorities and change the path I thought I had to follow to be of value. \

It isn't the first time that my body forced me to rethink my life. It happened when I had to abandon my Masters degree for a while, only to engage in another one as I grew used to a visual impairment I had acquired on top of my mobility impairment. At the time, I thought that this was the end to my life and happiness but time would reveal that there were many people out there who were ready to help and provide me with support. Indeed, this event changed me in many ways and introduced me to a new life, new friends and, eventually, to new opportunities
. You have a choice and I chose to continue not out of bravery or determination but because, it was that or a fall into an abyss of depression and self-pity. It was a question of survival.

It is then that you appreciate how precious life is. How you can't take anything for granted. How a single action - a single choice - can not only change your life but even your personality and outlook on life. and it sets you thinking whether there is something tangible and real about who you presume you are. Then you wonder whether you're living up to your fullest and whether you're doing your best - even when faced with seemingly insurmountable obstacles. when you find yourself, like I have, in a time where there' seems to be no hope. But, then you know., that as even the mightiest mountain will turn into dust, even the darkest of moments will be illuminated by the light of hope. as we grow in our understanding of who we are, the obscurity of ignorance will be overpowered by the light of wisdom.

I ask you why deny ourselves the opportunity to cultivate peace into our own hearts? Why do we have to rely on things outside us to be happy? And isn't more important to be true to ourselves rather than a slave to our desires and cravings that, if uncontrolled, will burn us out. My current position in life is delicate and full of confusion and fear. But I find refuge in knowing that no matter how bad things may get, the hard times will pass. Of that I'm sure.

But, in order for us to find true peace and happiness, it's important to be willing to give up our need to own the world and stop attempting everything in our power to preserve what, ultimately, is empty and illusionary. In our journey to find our true purpose, it's vital that we are able to respond to what the core of our being is telling us without preoccupying our thoughts with things that aren't that important..

And, what is my inner being telling me?

Continues...

Facing the Call - Part 1

I confess that there have been a lot of thoughts going through my mind over the holidays. Now that we’re in 2012, I feel I must deal with this sense of unfulfillment and longing that has appeared consistently over the course of the last weeks. There is no denying that I have lived a good life - despite any problems that I had to deal with over my relatively short life. Indeed, 30 years is really just a little amount of time and experience in the history of a person. One can imagine, then, how insignificant this period of life would be when compared to that of the oldest creature alive, or to that of the world or else, the universe.

However, the fact remains that I believe that I learned a lot from the experiences that I went through. And there is so much more that I need to learn. It’s far too easy to seek refuge in the familiar but this isn’t how life works. I have often wondered as I meditate about the meaning of my life. I have gone through a lot of hardships but, so far, I survived. Yet, despite this fact, there is still a part of me which fears the future. After all, there were so many things that happened in my life that I didn’t expect or prepare for, such as the increase in the severity of my physical impairment and, later, the acquisition of a visual impairment. Yes, I have prevailed as a visually impaired wheelchair user but this is not out of any extraordinary will or courage.

The fact is that if I hadn’t adapted to the changes which happened in my life, some of resulting in radical changes, I would either lose my mind or else close myself to the world or even spend the rest of my life on a death wish. But, in no way, am I free of dark moments where I wished I had never been born at all. These are only natural feelings that we sometimes must deal with in the course of life. Surviving is a matter predicated by many factors that are, in most cases, beyond our control. And, still, the little degree of choice we have control over is enough to make that difference in our lives.

However, that moment of choice must be taken seriously and with great responsibility. Of course, not all decisions in life carry the same weight and the consequences of decisions aren’t always that clear or predictable. At the same time, a few decisions require of us the courage to take them or else risk to lead a life of regret or denial. In both cases, we will end up disappointed - living a life we do not really like or to simply settle within our comfort zones and keeping our potential to a limit. As I proceed in my investigation of Buddhism, I am encouraged to take a step forward into the darkness of my soul. Haven’t I gone there before already?

In the course of the next posts, I’ll try to go further into an important question. One that concerns the very purpose of my life in view of changing circumstances.. Ultimately, it’s an exercise to explore whether I have gained enough experience to face the call within.

Continues ...

A Meditation on Being and Doing

I have been reflecting a lot about my life in the last months and I must admit that I have grown in my understanding of what in life is really important. Once again, I come to that point where I ask myself where I’m going with my life. Questions like: Am I living the life I based on what I believe in? And, if my actions do not reflect who I believe I am, doesn’t that make the idea of who I am untrue or a deluded one? Can I maintain that who I am and what I do are two separate things and shouldn’t be mixed up?

In simple terms, I feel that what I do isn’t always a reflection of what I claim to value or believe in. Of course, there are factors that remain out of my control. But, then, there are many other things that I just avoided dealing with or hoped that they would somehow resolve themselves with time. Indeed, some issues do resolve themselves in time - and really only solved in time. But, there are other issues that will not go away on their own. Issues that involve the very core of my being. The sadness that comes with the realisation that I’m not doing enough or that my actions aren’t consistent with my values. And here is the dilemma. If my actions do not reflect my potential, am I really what I think I am?

The fact is that I want more than life I’m getting right now. Life is too short for me to preoccupy myself with things that, although important, are not ends in themselves. Things I already mentioned before, such as possessions, social positions or reputation. They will, like everything else, come to pass. They are impermanent. I won’t carry them after I die. What really matters is what I do and how I live my life. A life that, to be honest, is the only experience of being that I have experienced and can rlate to. For, if what I do manifests itself as opposite to who I am, what does that make me? If I didn’t try to be consistent with my values in my words, thoughts and actions, then can I truly claim that I believe in, for instance, truth, justice and compassion as part of what makes me who I am?

There is no simple answer to questions relating to one’s purpose in life. There have been many paths I followed which turned out to be blind alleys. It’s perhaps now that I’m waking up to a new awareness that I need to take greater responsibility over my own life. For, at the end of it all, it’s not what people think that matters but what you think of yourself. And if you fail trying, there’s that knowledge that you tried. But it has to be a sincere attempt to grow. A decision to make that shift from harbouring an idea of who you are to manifesting that being.

The Fruits of Cooperation

When I was still a teenager, I participated in a simple enough team building exercise. A balloon was tied to our legs and the only instruction we received was to make sure that we preserved our balloon for five minutes. The person who still had a balloon tied to his or her leg after five minutes,won the game. At the time, I could still walk but it I couldn't compete with others. As the exercise started, every one proceeded to burst the other's balloon. I don't recall how long my balloon remained intact but it didn't take long I am sure. By the end of the exercise, all balloons were burst and no one had saved the balloon. While this exercise might seem childish, as I reflect more on the concept of interdependence, the more I realise how this simple exercise speaks volumes about human nature that is under the illusion that it's independent of others and which believes that it exists in its own right.

Like the participants in the balloon exercise, we assume that the only way to make it through life is to be better than others. That by resorting to any means to get what we want, we will gain happiness. True, we may feel happy and proud of having prevailed after winning over our competition but are we really winners? What if we made sure that our happiness doesn't have to come at the expense of others' happiness? Indeed, what if we helped in enriching the lives of others by making sure they find their own happiness? That we help them gain freedom from suffering created by a belief that the only happiness can be attained if they had it for themselves? or for a select few? These are not easy questions and in today's world, with its stress on individuality and competition, it might be unfashionable to speak of community and cooperation.

In this sense, our lives are not that different from the situation faced in the balloon exercise. In an attempt to preserve our happiness and protect our identity, we assume that the only way to be happy is by having something more than our neighbour. When, if you think about it, if we just waited those five minutes without bursting our peer's balloons, we could have all been winners! But it only took one to start the havoc. Perhaps it can take one person to start the change for the better. And this person may be you or me.

It's really our choice...

OnBeing Stuck

Life can be so unpredictable. Only three weeks ago, I felt that life was finally taking a good turn for the best. I was happy and looked forward to life ahead. But, then, I had a bad fall. I found myself on the floor, crying in pain, as I became aware that I had somehow fallen a step on my side with my wheelchair standing not more than a metre away. I couldn’t understand how it happen. But it surely did. And I’m experiencing the effects of this moment of distraction as I write about it now. In many ways, it all seems to be an unjust betrayal - as if there could be some ill will behind this situation.

I know that one day, all this will be over. In fact, I could almost laugh about it all. But now, it seems to be an event that cannot disappear because its memory still manifests itself through my pain and discomfort. I can, however, take comfort in the fact that, despite the darkness that appears to fill my days, , there will be a tomorrow. I should know by now that nothing lasts for ever. While we cherish those times of joy and happiness of our life, they can cease to be. Suddenly without warning.

I type this with difficulty and not without some effort. But, then again, it’s this time when everything appears to be so hard and change so elusive that you appreciate the simplest of things. Like the chorus of birds in the early morning. The sweet smell of a fresh cup of tea. The message of a friend wishing you were well again. The music that you have listened to before but really never really understood. The miracle of life which prompts you to ask of why you are here and how come, in spite of all odds, you’re still here.

Perhaps it appears to be something we take for granted - this life. But when you consider that even a single act of breathing is possible only because of so many factors working in harmony. Factors, we may be unaware of, but which are intrinsically dependent on one another. The muscles in our chest… The air that gives us life… And so on and so forth! I dare say, this chain of factors could be tracked back to the origin of the universe itself. And then, you wonder, whether you really have the right to complain about the things that may be going wrong. You put the feeling of frustration and depression into perspective.

I hope that tomorrow will be a better day. I can’t avoid being aware of my pain and suffering that appears to be inescapable. I can’t pretend not to wish it was different. But, at the same time, I realise that I cannot live in the future. I cannot even change the past. I only have the present now. It’s now that I can really make a difference to my life. It’s only now that I can shape the future. For, at the end of the day, the future is unknown and, indeed, may never happen. The only certainty can be found in the present moment.

A Personal Meditation on the Body and Attachment

The practice of meditation is making me more aware of whom I am. I can say that now I feel more in control of my thoughts and feelings. Indeed, that’s what mindfulness is all about. Taking responsibility for how you react to the world around you. While you can’t help feeling how you feel at times or the way you think – especially in particular situations where you react because you have strong opinions and emotions about a specific topic, if you are aware of what is going on through your mind at that moment, there’s a greater chance you can control your reaction.

Being mindful, I soon realised was not that easy as I thought. It requires a certain degree of self-discipline but it’s worth every effort. I admit that it’s difficult to keep from reacting in the manner you’ve grown used to for years. Yes, there were occasions when I let anger or resentment, for example, get the better of me. That is why I feel it's important for me to find a time to contemplate on my life in the wider context of my human existence. For as I delve deeper into self-awareness, I am realising how much my self is influenced by society and my background. But I was still caught rather off guard when my reflections took me back to my childhood. To the darker times of my early life.

Don't get me wrong - I had a happy childhood. But one thing bothered me. My body – the fact I had a mobility impairment. In truth, my impairment didn’t worry me that much until the age of 5 or 6. By that age, I had adapted to my impairment and found no real problems with the fact I walked differently. However, as I started attending school, I noticed that mostly the adults around me treated me differently –. In time, I understood that people had an issue with the fact I walked perhaps in an odd way.

Slowly but surely, my greatest desire was to walk like the other boys in my class. Since we present ourselves to the world through our bodies, if our bodies are rejected or considered 'inferior', it's inevitable that we also feel rejected as persons. Indeed, my greatest suffering wasn't caused by my impairment but with the fact that society appeared to exclude me as a person. Indeed, as a young boy, I started to believe that I was the problem. I had to change.

The fact that these ideas were reinforced by science, on the one hand, and religion, on the other, left me with a deep sense of guilt. I wanted to improve. I wanted to walk properly. Was I doing enough? Was I praying well? Was I being punished for a sin I did? Was I letting my family and loved ones down? Was I really deep down, a bad boy? All these thoughts fuelled further my desire to walk properly without tiring so much. With all the good intentions, even my family thought that my life would be much better if I could walk like other children. I was made to undergo physiotherapy, attend a faith healing service and, yes, was taken to Lourdes when very young to be 'cured'. I was holy, sinful, broken, deformed, inspirational etc etc All at the same time!!

Now that I thought I had grown out of all this I discover that there's still part of me that thinks I am not good enough because I have an impairment. Make those 2 impairments. And while it's painful to know that I am still affected by the exclusion I felt as a child and my attempts to be like other children, it's also a liberating experience. For that I have become aware of my attachment to an idea of a 'perfectly' working body and while I cannot undo the past, I can let go of this clinging that I realise is still there in my mind.

For, at the end of the day, by hoping against hope that I can walk again, would be hoping for the impossible. It would be like throwing a ball and wishing that it would rise up instead of falling down. It would be like believing that by simply having faith, you can go against the laws of nature. It would be like believing that we will get healthier or stronger as we age. It would be like putting all your energy on an unrealistic goal. While I can't completely discard the possibility of miracles, I believe that we cannot live our lives expecting one to happen.

After all, as I am learning from my meditation, our life often passes us by but we often miss noticing it. We are too absorbed in our own inner minds. We tend to be trapped in a cycle of action and reaction with little time to think about those around us. Until it's too late.

Living a life without contemplating our existence can only guarantee that we don't even get to know who we really are. And, surely, that is the greatest tragedy of all as we remain stuck in a false reality chained to our ignorance, desire and attachment.

Facing the Enemy Within

Who is the enemy? We all have people in our life that we feel we can never get along with. We may deny it, but as we grow older, we start distinguishing between those we consider friends, those who we don’t have any feelings towards and enemies. However, thinking of these three types of people in terms of closed groups is simplistic for friends can, at one point in the future, become enemies or vice versa.

Undeniably, the relations we have with other people and the way we perceive them in our world is important as it provides us with an identity and a feeling of control and choice. This is because, unlike our family, we tend to choose who are friends and enemies are.thinking these of these three groups of people as if life was that simple would be naïve for no individual is fixed in his/her position in our world view. Even if it doesn’t happen everyday, friends can become enemies and vice versa. People who we didn’t know or care for before may suddenly become our best friend or worse enemy. Yet, unlike our family, it is up to us to choose who gets to be  our friend or enemy.  

However, we tend to be unaware that the greatest enemy mis not on the outside but rather inside of us.  if we think about it, our greatest enemy may be within us. For, destructive and malicious as they may be, we have the choice of how to react to our enemies and, many times, we tend to get wound up in resentment and hate if we are challenged by an external enemy. In the process of letting the external enemy’s words and action, we trigger an inner conflict. On the one hand, we attempt to justify ourselves and cultivate our anger against the enemy, and on the other, all the negative self-images of our past return to haunt us.

Once this happens, it means that the external enemy, with the complicity of our inner enemy, has managed to invade our heart and mind. Whether we resort to pride and self-righteousness, or sulk away in self-pity and seeking   consolation from others, the enemy has won the battle if not the war. Don’t get me wrong - I am not saying that one shouldn’t defend ourselves if someone goes around telling lies about us or in some way harming us. I’m saying that the moment we fixate on the pain inflicted upon us is the one we have have given up our freedom to choose. Indeed, we become hostage to a  negative thought process that changes us in ugly ways.

We may attempt to disassociate from the outer threat. We may get caught up in a stream of anger, resentment, and hate. We may go as far as murdering our external threat in our mind by dehumanizing this person. In so many ways, we become the enemy - not just to our human enemy on the outside but an enemy to our own selves. The good news is that we can choose to be victims and surrender to our enemy or learn from our experience. We might even try to understand why our external enemy has attacked us.

In this sense, an enemy can be of help in becoming aware of our own weaknesses - of how easily we can be conditioned by other people. It can make us more conscious of our tendencies to distance ourselves from our enemy, but at the same time, defining ourselves in a negative relation to our enemy. It should be an experience where we learn how much we are absorbed in a belief that we, together with those we regard to be part of our group, are the ‘good’, the ‘right’ and the ‘just] - judging all those who don’t meet our standards as outsiders. In clutching to our convictions that we have got nothing to do with ‘these other people’ who may come from different race, religious tradition or ethnic background, etc., we miss out on our human heritage.

For, unlike the enemy outside, the inner enemy can generate a legion of enemies that are not real or rational. We may have never met these people, these ‘others’ but as long as our minds perceives them as a threat, then we can be as hateful and resentful as if they really were acquaintances. 

our adversaries may be, we have a choice of whether to give in to our destructive impulses characterized by emotions fueled by a growing hate and resentment. An enemy is stronger when s/he has managed to cast us in a fight or flight mode where we are caught up in an internal battle torn between defending ourselves and attacking our enemy. At least in my experience, getting caught up in the conflict within only serves to inflame the anger and resuscitate the multitude of negative images of ourselves we have grown to believe without really knowing.

In our attempts to protect our own self-image, we suddenly turn our enemy into an ‘other’ by which we disassociate ourselves from the person we perceive as a threat to the point of dehumanizing them. But, in robbing our opponent from a humanity, aren’t we becoming less human? When we tell ourselves that we are the good people and the ones in the right and insisting that we are different, better and just people and our enemy is not part of us, aren’t we denying ourselves an opportunity to learn? For once we are absorbed in an attempt to protect our self-imposed identity, we become hostage to our own thoughts and emotions. At that point, the have unintentionally chosen to be conditioned by another person. 

On the other hand, we can take the opportunity to observe our reactions as our mind battles in a conflict between our self-doubt and pride, between our instincts of defense and attack. But what is there to learn when we’re feeling pain inside and we feel hurt so much that we cannot control  our emotions? This is not easy, I admit, but we have to admit to ourselves that we are angered because something out there has challenged our world view. It has shaken the foundations of our beliefs and robbed up of any peace of mind. Yet, as we realise that we have been thrown into this state of apparent chaos because we have consented to an enemy to let the seeds of malice grow in our heart and mind. This should make us more aware of how easily we can we be conditioned into a thought process  that is, for the most part, our own making.

In addition, as we seek to justify our belief that we are the better ones, we build an image of the other that is inhuman and even worthless. Ironically, by defining ourselves in terms of our enemy makes us not only psychologically dependent on our enemy in defining ourselves, but also robs us of any clains to a free will. We are confined to a state of mind where we are tuck in fear. The tragic thing is that, many times, we create our own cell and surrender to the enemy within, which makes us believe we are the best as we intoxicate ourselves in calling ourselves names that elevate us to a godlike status. In short, we have created an enemy that is even more dangerous because we’re unaware of. The fact is that we can ultimately give power to those who want to harm us.

However, there are other groups of people who our mind may perceive as enemies, especially if we are prone to being attached to an image of ourselves that is exclusive and is set against ‘other’ people we deem, consciously or unconsciously, inferior and less worthy than we are and the group we associate ourselves with. Our ‘enemy’ here is not real in the sense that we may have never met these persons. But we can still harbour a certain hate and resentment if we even hear their name mentioned. It sounds irrational and it is irrational. But, that does not stop people from holding on to preconceived notions of people depending on their race, religious tradition, or ethnic group. 

Our justification in conceiving those different than us as enemies emerges out of a fear that these people will threaten our social order. A national identity that prides itself in respect of diversity and freedom of expression is used to delineate between those who are worthy of rights and those who are not. Our cultures which were only possible because of our interest in discovering how other people live slowly becomes an instrument to oppress and exclude what can actually enrich it. A faith or religion which preaches that we are equal in the eyes of God, can implicitly resist those who belong to different faith. In forming our mental image of the enemy, we fail to be aware that much of what we believe is but a delusion. Worse still, by building barriers between ‘us’ and ‘them’, we risk to forget that we share our humanity and face the joys and pains of birth, love, friendship, disease and death.

This brings us back full circle to the initial question: Who is the enemy? The answer is not straightforwardIndeed, as we have seen an enemy can be really out there to harm us and our perception of them as threats may be legitimate and advised. On the other hand, enemies can be produced through our own preconceptions and world views. We can also find enemies hidden in our past memories and experiences. Yet, if we had to identify a common characteristic that defines enemies that we create from real or past  experience and imaginary enemies we form out of mere prejudice is that we are the ones who consent in letting these enemies take control over us. True, manny times it’s due to habit and our tendency to look at our world without consideration to those who fall outside of our rigid world view. 

This is why it’s important to find a time in our busy schedule to reach within and face our enemy. Even if we may feel uncomfortable with facing our enemy, the inner critic, which lifts us up only to enjoy seeing us taking  a great fall. While may be unable to help feeling resentment and hate in certain situations, we should take this opportunity to learn about ourselves and perhaps slowly changing our inner enemy to an inner ally. If we succeed in that, our human enemy has no more power over us and, indeed, if we make that extra effort, we can start to understand why your enemy has chosen you as a target. Indeed, you sometimes cannot choose your enemies either if you think about it because an enemy may hold feelings of hate and resentment based on a wong view. Then it’s even more important to be more aware of yourself and more open to others.  

Yet, what all these enemies have in common is that we can usually decide to what extent do we give power to them to condition our lives and, indirectly, control our thoughts and emotions. While we think of our daily enemies as persons who we would do without, they can also help us reflect more deeply on who we are and on what we can be like in difficult circumstances. Our enemies can also help us make an effort to understand that, malicious as they may be, our enemies still share our humanity and are not immune to their own inner enemy. 

I know that it’s easy to write all this and putting into practice is another matter altogether. Indeed, I’ve made many mistakes in the past and will surely do more along the way. But, as I grow in self-awareness thanks to my daily meditation, the more I come to realize how destructive we can be by giving up to someone else or to an imaginary threat our minds. How easy it is to persist in believing lies about your world that contradict experience.

The danger of avoiding to face our inner enemy is that, in persisting in protecting ourselves and our self-image, we close our heart and mind to others with the result of losing part of our humanity and of an opportunity for real growth.

Our Lives: Past, Present and Future

I've come a long way since I started my investigation into the meaning of life. My attempt to understand the nature of my reality. The reason for being. Indeed, I've changed a lot as I ask questions about what is happening around me: in my personal life, in my local community and within the global family. I have found a few answers and I still got many other queries that remain unresolved.

Undertaking this journey leaves you feeling rather lonely. However, paradoxically, it can leave you more connected to the world like never before. I have been helped immensely by my exploration of Buddhist thought. In fact, as I delve deeper in my understanding, I have discovered peace and happiness that I have never experienced - except in those rare occasions. I  bust admit that I had an early interst in the Buddhist tradition but was perhaps too afraid to develop this interest. That is, until  today.

Don't get me wrong. The path I chose to take is a personal choice. It isn't for everyone but the more I learn about the philosophy behind the Buddhist practice of contemplative meditation, the more I am convinced that I am getting somewhere. I still have a lot of respect for Christianity as I was brought up in this tradition. Indeed, my desire to pursue an alternative way of looking at life and living doesn't diminish my respect for the value of my past teaching. In fact, as I discover facts about Buddhism, I can't help notice significant par allels between Christian morality and Buddhist morality.

At the same time, I find that the Buddhist way of thought and analysis works for me. I have also gained a lot from my daily practice of meditation. I am finding new ways of looking at the world. I feel, for the first time, that there is something unique and precious in this life that I've taken for granted. I am sincerely grateful when I wake up in the morning - usually to start the day with a few minutes meditating about what I dreamt, the feelings I had on opening my eyes and thoughts about the day ahead.

I don't want you to think that there aren't moments when I'm sad, angry or anxious - for example. The fact that these and other emotions are part of our life. We can't help feeling angry if we feel cheated, or sad if we got bad news about a friend, or even if someone passed an unkind remark. But, if we are mindful enough of our thoughts and feelings, we can change the way we relate to ourselves and, by extension, how we relate to others.

At the end of it all, our emotions come and go. That is the nature of life - the essence of reality. The impermanence of things. And as our emotions rise and fall in our consciousness, so will our bodies one day perish. But, then, what comes next is anyone's guess. It's good to have faith in a world beyond but it's equally important to cultivate happiness now and today. Not just for your own sake but for the benefit of the entire human family.