I'm in pain once again. It's my back and legs now as well. It's hard and I struggle to type this entry in my present condition. So, I'll limit myself to a few reflections.
Of course, it's difficult for me to cope at times. I get to ask the question - why me? After all, I have been through so much over these years that I don't need this. Yet, when I realise how others may be going through much more serious suffering, I am compelled to ask why not me. What makes me so 'special' as to be spared to share in this human experience? Wouldn't be arrogant of me to expect to be spared just because I have through enough pain?
Doesn't this experience offer me the opportunity to Learn about who I am and my relation to others and the world?
Should I consume myself in anger and personal concerns while failing to grow in compassion? Aren't we, humans, all in the same situation? No one can escape this.
I also lay my hope that like everything else, this will end. Even if, at present, it seems hard to believe. I could deny myself the possibility of hope and indulge in self-pity and close my heart to the world. But that wouldn't help me or anyone for that matter.
This is my current reality. Uncomfortable - sure. Unnecessary - perhaps. But, useless it is not.
I witness the present moment. There's pain that comes and goes. But every one of these moments is unique and I must trust and live in the realities that surround me.
There'll be times of hope and others of despair. Successes and failures in how I dealpain. Yet, I refuse to define myself with this temporal pain. My humanity goes beyond that.
I may choose to drown in despair or affirm life by accepting this experience, learn from it and letting go.
Nobody can decide this but me.
I will try to choose to follow the path of hope.
This is a choice that no one can make on my behalf.
But it's a choice that I must make.
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
The Wisdom of Pearls
Pearls remain one of the most valued objects today with the smallest costing from a few hundred dollars to ones costing up to thousands. There may be many reasons people are priced so high. After all, they are produced by a natural process, by a mollusc, a living being, and, yes, they evoke a certain beauty and perfection.
It was at a seafood restaurant that I wondered about pearls. In theory, molluscs such as mussels may produce one. But pearls are often associated with oysters. But, if oysters and other such organisms, are capable of producing a pearl, why don’t we find one every time we get on? On doing some research, I discovered that the pearl, in fact, is the product of an oyster’s attempt to gain relief from discomfort.
Indeed, since molluscs are confined to their shells, there is no way to remove a splinter such as a speck of sand. So, using a substance called “nacre”, it gains relief from its discomfort. Incidentally, “nacre” is the same substance it uses to create its shell. Thus, one can say that a pearl, is in fact, created because the oyster wants to get some kind of peace and rest.
That is why not all oysters which grow in nature have pearls. In a way, oysters who are forced to form a pearl are unwell. Yet, we value the most those pearls which, out of their attempt to gain freedom from pain, create one of the most beautiful object, we - as human beings - find of value. Yet, for the oyster itself, a pearl is somewhat not unlike a scar that cannot be removed but lies there as a constant reminder of an unhappier past.
What does this have to do with us? Well, in today’s society we tend to look at pain of every form as the great evil awhile we view pleasure as the most desirable. But, we forget that while pain and discomfort may not always be necessary, at times we must go through a certain degree of pain and discomfort to grow. And while, during hard times, we may be tempted to escape from an unpleasant reality, the fact that the more we resist our discomfort, the more it will hurt us.
Here, perhaps we can learn from the oyster. While the oyster cannot get rid of a splinter, it uses its own body to make it part of her. However, it does not stop there but keeps the painful intrusion at a safe distance. In this way, while the oyster and the pearl remain connected to each other in one way, the fact is that the oyster is also able to gain relief and carry on with life.Thus, it accepts the pearl into her home but, at the same time, is detached from it.
How many times in our life have we made mistakes>? How many times were we in pain or in an uncomfortable situation? How many times have we felt ashamed of ourselves? I can say that there were quite a few in my life. Yet, can I change them if they happened years ago? Can I change them if their cause remains beyond my control?
The thing is that many times, we cannot change our pasts. So, like oysters, we need to accept that discomfort. However, with the benefit of hindsight and experience or our “nacre”, we can turn our pain into something that is of value and precious, the way we live our life, or our “pearl”. Even if, unlike oysters, we all have to face splinters of pain or discomfort, we all have the potential to change something that is negative into a positive future.
But, first, perhaps we must stop fighting reality if we know we can do nothing about it. And, yes, we cannot avoid to go through a degree of further pain and discomfort to start to heal.
It was at a seafood restaurant that I wondered about pearls. In theory, molluscs such as mussels may produce one. But pearls are often associated with oysters. But, if oysters and other such organisms, are capable of producing a pearl, why don’t we find one every time we get on? On doing some research, I discovered that the pearl, in fact, is the product of an oyster’s attempt to gain relief from discomfort.
Indeed, since molluscs are confined to their shells, there is no way to remove a splinter such as a speck of sand. So, using a substance called “nacre”, it gains relief from its discomfort. Incidentally, “nacre” is the same substance it uses to create its shell. Thus, one can say that a pearl, is in fact, created because the oyster wants to get some kind of peace and rest.
That is why not all oysters which grow in nature have pearls. In a way, oysters who are forced to form a pearl are unwell. Yet, we value the most those pearls which, out of their attempt to gain freedom from pain, create one of the most beautiful object, we - as human beings - find of value. Yet, for the oyster itself, a pearl is somewhat not unlike a scar that cannot be removed but lies there as a constant reminder of an unhappier past.
What does this have to do with us? Well, in today’s society we tend to look at pain of every form as the great evil awhile we view pleasure as the most desirable. But, we forget that while pain and discomfort may not always be necessary, at times we must go through a certain degree of pain and discomfort to grow. And while, during hard times, we may be tempted to escape from an unpleasant reality, the fact that the more we resist our discomfort, the more it will hurt us.
Here, perhaps we can learn from the oyster. While the oyster cannot get rid of a splinter, it uses its own body to make it part of her. However, it does not stop there but keeps the painful intrusion at a safe distance. In this way, while the oyster and the pearl remain connected to each other in one way, the fact is that the oyster is also able to gain relief and carry on with life.Thus, it accepts the pearl into her home but, at the same time, is detached from it.
How many times in our life have we made mistakes>? How many times were we in pain or in an uncomfortable situation? How many times have we felt ashamed of ourselves? I can say that there were quite a few in my life. Yet, can I change them if they happened years ago? Can I change them if their cause remains beyond my control?
The thing is that many times, we cannot change our pasts. So, like oysters, we need to accept that discomfort. However, with the benefit of hindsight and experience or our “nacre”, we can turn our pain into something that is of value and precious, the way we live our life, or our “pearl”. Even if, unlike oysters, we all have to face splinters of pain or discomfort, we all have the potential to change something that is negative into a positive future.
But, first, perhaps we must stop fighting reality if we know we can do nothing about it. And, yes, we cannot avoid to go through a degree of further pain and discomfort to start to heal.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
No One Remembers A Loser
Since the world's attention, especially of sports enthusiasts, is drawn on the events of the London Olympics 2012, I thought I might take some time to meditate on the significance of the Olympics. Of course, there were many topics that I could have addressed in this entry. I could ask different questions and considered whether this international event builds bridges between nations. I could have reflected on humanity's ability to push their limits. I could have questioned the fact that people like me, who are disabled, have to participate in a separate para-olympics as if we're not to mix with other athletes. Granted, we may engage in adaptations of certain sports and we would disadvantaged if we competed with others who lack impairments that would pose limits to their performance. But, as I see it, disabled and non-disabled athletes could learn from each other on many levels.
Yet, I chose to write about "losers", or those athletes who won nothing, performed poorly or even didn't get to the finish line. Even if we say that what is important is participating - not winning - the nature of competitive sport is to ensure you outperform your rival. In such an environment, what matters most is to win. Success is measured by how many points you have gained and failure is disgraceful and not tolerated. In addition, winning is an achievement not only for your team, friends or family but can also an act of patriotism and and a political statement. It has been used to promote the ideologies of Nazism in earlier times.
However, the athletes competing find themselves training to win a gold medal. So, it's only natural that after you have dreamt of excelling and of winning Olympic medals, you don't qualify for any medal. After all the sacrifice , the training and hours preparing for success, you end up empty-handed. You feel you've failed your country, your team, your friends and your family and loved ones. Yet, you also know that you have failed your self. You relive your "failure" ovER and over in your mind. You try to understand what went wrong. You find no answers that fully satisfy. If your fall was serious, you might be remembered as a "loser.
I have never an interest in sport. Despite this fact, there were occasions when I felt I worked hard to achieve a goal, only to fail. I would ask myself how this could have happened. Hadn't I done all my best? I would be disappointed and indulge in self-pity as if I was the victim of a great injustice. I would conclude that it was my fault, or on the other extreme, try to blame external factors. Instead of learning from my experience, I wouldn't move on.
While there's nothing wrong with disappointment and in taking some time to mourn over your loss, I realise today that, at one point, you must put the past behind. This isn't saying that you deny what happened but that you take it as an opportunity to grow. Indeed, such an experience could be opportunity to put your life into perspective and rethinking your life priorities. Unfortunately, our world seems only to celebrate success while ostracising so-called "losers".
On the other hand, the world forgets that true success is often a product of many failures. Our life is the same. Sadly, we often believe in the myths of perfection. A perfection that contradicts the way the world is. We are deluded in a belief that failure is unacceptable and excellence is the ultimate goal. As a child, I learned to walk and I had many falls as well. Now, I find not enough strength to walk or stand up for long. Am I a loser for not persisting in trying and use my time and energy in an attempt to get back to the past? I do understand that some would interpret my choice as admitting failure and I do respect made by other people in my position to recover their strength. Then again, I chose to adapt and dedicate my life to living life. And even if the world might judge me as a loser, I don't to remain attached to a goal that is unrealistic.
I wish everyone competing in this year's London Olympics, all the success. However, in case you lose or under perform, take this as an opportunity to learn from this experience and be prepared to accept that this is part of being human..
While this might be a bitter drug to swallow, you are the only one who really knows how much you have put into it. At the same time, remember that neither success or failure defines who you as a person.
Yet, I chose to write about "losers", or those athletes who won nothing, performed poorly or even didn't get to the finish line. Even if we say that what is important is participating - not winning - the nature of competitive sport is to ensure you outperform your rival. In such an environment, what matters most is to win. Success is measured by how many points you have gained and failure is disgraceful and not tolerated. In addition, winning is an achievement not only for your team, friends or family but can also an act of patriotism and and a political statement. It has been used to promote the ideologies of Nazism in earlier times.
However, the athletes competing find themselves training to win a gold medal. So, it's only natural that after you have dreamt of excelling and of winning Olympic medals, you don't qualify for any medal. After all the sacrifice , the training and hours preparing for success, you end up empty-handed. You feel you've failed your country, your team, your friends and your family and loved ones. Yet, you also know that you have failed your self. You relive your "failure" ovER and over in your mind. You try to understand what went wrong. You find no answers that fully satisfy. If your fall was serious, you might be remembered as a "loser.
I have never an interest in sport. Despite this fact, there were occasions when I felt I worked hard to achieve a goal, only to fail. I would ask myself how this could have happened. Hadn't I done all my best? I would be disappointed and indulge in self-pity as if I was the victim of a great injustice. I would conclude that it was my fault, or on the other extreme, try to blame external factors. Instead of learning from my experience, I wouldn't move on.
While there's nothing wrong with disappointment and in taking some time to mourn over your loss, I realise today that, at one point, you must put the past behind. This isn't saying that you deny what happened but that you take it as an opportunity to grow. Indeed, such an experience could be opportunity to put your life into perspective and rethinking your life priorities. Unfortunately, our world seems only to celebrate success while ostracising so-called "losers".
On the other hand, the world forgets that true success is often a product of many failures. Our life is the same. Sadly, we often believe in the myths of perfection. A perfection that contradicts the way the world is. We are deluded in a belief that failure is unacceptable and excellence is the ultimate goal. As a child, I learned to walk and I had many falls as well. Now, I find not enough strength to walk or stand up for long. Am I a loser for not persisting in trying and use my time and energy in an attempt to get back to the past? I do understand that some would interpret my choice as admitting failure and I do respect made by other people in my position to recover their strength. Then again, I chose to adapt and dedicate my life to living life. And even if the world might judge me as a loser, I don't to remain attached to a goal that is unrealistic.
I wish everyone competing in this year's London Olympics, all the success. However, in case you lose or under perform, take this as an opportunity to learn from this experience and be prepared to accept that this is part of being human..
While this might be a bitter drug to swallow, you are the only one who really knows how much you have put into it. At the same time, remember that neither success or failure defines who you as a person.
Friday, July 27, 2012
The Shackles of Attachment
We may go on through life chasing a dream, drowning our pain and failure in pleasure. We may even obsess about achieving a position, making more money and buying possessions which, we become convinced, will make us happy. We may lose ourselves in the pursuit of a love interest or, on the other extreme, strive to escape from the reality which we feel is the cause of our unhappiness.
While our circumstances and positions of life may indeed be the source of our suffering, we cannot address our unhappiness if we aren’t aware of who we are. For, in searching for external factors to find our happiness won’t solve the problem on its own. If when I was a teenager, I had remained attached to the past when I could walk more, I might have probably achieved nothing in my life - except perhaps hoping in a miracle.
However, I took a more pragmatic approach and invested in a wheelchair. Even if I was reluctant to be seen using my wheelchair, I had to accept that my life changed and I couldn’t cling to a past that was no more. Over the years, I did have moments when I recall, with nostalgia, the many things I used to do as a child. Yet, I also recognise that in letting go of my attachment to an idealised past, I was choosing to live. Of course, many have described my life in many ways for continuing to live on.
Yet, the way I see it, I followed a very human quality we all have. I adapted to new circumstances. Part of that adaptability requires of us to let go of our attachments or to afflictive desires. We must adapt to change, for if we didn’t change, we would die to life. We would suffer the pains of dissatisfaction or dukkha. The only way to move on is to recognise that as long as aren’t prepared to recognise the illusion of our wanting, we will never be truly happy.
For, whether we accept it or not, life changes all the time. Even our identities, self-definition, religion, philosophies, politics, or aspirations are not permanent. Yes, they may form important parts of who we are today, but they are not us. Who we are goes beyond all the shackles that hinder our full being, clouds that hide from us our authentic beings and barriers that create divisions between each other.
Today, as a practicing meditator following Buddhist principles, I acknowledge how many identities I have adopted in an attempt to fit in a world, I felt didn’t understand who I was. I still feel isolated at times and misunderstood as well. However, I realise that before I expected the world to accept who I was, I was the first who has to make an effort to understand the world. Even if people still binds me to a social position and a fixed identity, I acknowledge the fact that I remain a human being.
For all I am doing or what I am doing is only borne out of a need to assert my human status. Even if I may identify more closely with certain groups of people, I am learning the importance of cultivating a compassion that genuinely seeks to understand others. A compassion where I listen and not jump to conclusions. A compassion that recognises our basic vulnerability and dependence as human beings.
For nothing in this world will last forever. A life that seeks happiness in material things on their own is doomed to be a life of dissatisfaction. It’s only when we accept life as it is and do our best to reduce unnecessary suffering can we be truly happy. It’s only when we open our heart to who we are and to the hearts of others can we be truly satisfied.
Nothing else matters...
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Letting Go - A Haiku Trio
Hopes and dreams may die,
Now, a tree may yield no fruit.
Living on thru death.
Like our hopes and dreams,
A dying wish can give life,
To other beings.
And fresh hopes and dreams,
May grow from dwindling visions,
First we must let go!
You might want to read the commentary for this haiku now.
Now, a tree may yield no fruit.
Living on thru death.
Like our hopes and dreams,
A dying wish can give life,
To other beings.
And fresh hopes and dreams,
May grow from dwindling visions,
First we must let go!
You might want to read the commentary for this haiku now.
Location:Mater Dei Hospital, Msida
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