Is there life after FaceBook?

L)) Listen to a recent episode with the same name I published oN my podcast channel at AudioBoo

FaceBook Memories

Last week, I took what seemed, at first, to be a difficult decision. I de-activated my FaceBook account. Even if I can re-activate my account within a time window, it’s unlikely for me to return. I admit that I was pretty excited when I started using FaceBook for the first time. It felt good to see more ‘friends’ and acquaintances joining me as a ‘friend’. Indeed, over the years, I did gain a modest number of followers, including new and old friends, schoolmates, relatives and had the chance to connect with like minded people.

Disenchantment

On the other hand, I have grown weary about what FaceBook has become. While I find that the idea of social networks and FaceBook in particular, to be a positive one, I regret that, on its part, FaceBook has sold its soul (if social networks can have one) to businesses and companies. Unfortunately, as a FaceBook user, I noticed that many of those using what is now a social network giant don’t yet understand the implications of posting stuff on the platform.

In fact, people have been posting updates about the most trivial things happing in their lives, posting photos that may be inappropriate or sharing ‘feel good’ updates or ‘feel bad’ updates to gain attention. We also sometimes tend to post status updates to provoke controversy. All in all, we seek to create an identity and seek to be popular - even if it means portraying ourselves as tragic victims. Worse still, we fill our profiles with details about who we are or what we do to the whole world to find. Things that we might not be comfortable sharing with a person we met in the street, we are ready to tell the world.

A Privacy Lost

Many people have rightly expressed their concerns following Edward Snowden's revelations that the US government Is monitoring the activities of its citizens, and most likely, other citizens from other countries to protect “national security”. But, forgetting this issue for today, these concerns arise because we value our privacy. After all, we want to keep aspects of our lives to ourselves. However, our insistence on the ‘sacred’ right to privacy seems to be inconsistent with how we behave on FaceBookFaceBook activity is also precious information for businesses to use and exploit for their own business interests. A thing that we make easier for those seeking to make more profit whenever we press LIKE on a particular product and service. While this can help the company improve their service, it is also somewhat an invasion of our privacy, It night even mean that we are valuing products as people. For, in truth, the FaceBook started off as a network of friends, it has been colonised by an aggressive commercialisation where objects become our friends and friends, in a way, become objects.

Sadly, I realise that FaceBook is neither the utopian social network which connects people from around the world to encourage dialogue and mutual understanding. Yes, there are some groups and individuals who are engaging in a dialogue to promote peace and justice around the world. Yet, as with anything we create as human beings, FaceBook has been the meeting place for those who spread hate or intolerance to others, including far right groups and those groups which implicitly support homophobia, people of different race, faith or disability. This tendency for us to form our own affiliations even if they condone hate crime or violence, is a reality. And if a group is private, FaceBook can be a place where we limit ourselves to reading from people who have our opinions without even giving the chance for us to hear a different opinion than our own.

Again, I am not condemning FaceBook or those who use it. For all I know, I might return. However, I believe that I have become too dependent on FaceBook to the extent that I wasn’t sure whether I could live without it. A feeling I am sure some readers can relate to. I haven’t become addicted to FaceBook. But, then again, I had a life before FaceBook. We all had. In a way, FaceBook. I thank all of you who joined me on FaceBook is not going to be there forever. And it could continue to change too much.

I left FaceBook tO regain my authenticity and grow in self-knowledge without having to adopt an identity that is NOT who I am!


PS: I will still be on Twitter though - so you can still connect with me @GordonGT!

The Holy Days: A Time for Renewal?

december will soon be ending. The world didn’t end last Friday 21. The pain in the ligament of my right leg haunts me still after two weeks. Apart from that, life continues as it had before. There is change, of course, but the process of life follows the same cycle most of the time.

 

As I look ahead at the new year of 2013, I can’t help but look back at where I was this time in 2012 and where I am here today - a few days before the new year. I know that there were successes and moments during the ending year that had an ending I didn’t expect. These one may call “failures” and, in a sense, they are failures. And, perhaps I feel my greatest failure has been my attempt to live independently at the Akwarell. Especially since, as readers of this blog know, I had high hopes for this step in securing my future independence.

 

Unfortunately, there are many reasons why I felt that this wasn’t working out. Besides, it wouldn’t be appropriate to talk here about why I have decided, after considering everything, that I wasn’t ready to live the way I was living at Akwarell.  I know and regret that I have failed and disappointed the many people who have helped me to go through this experience. And yet, as the days passed, I grew painfully aware that I was living a lie. That I was unhappy and that this wasn’t the way I wanted to live my future if I had the choice. And, thankfully, I had the choice.

Right now, I still feel bad about this decision. A decision which was announced in the local news and will probably continue haunting me some time after the new year. This makes me feel like a failure. And as I struggle with the pain in my leg, I do feel rather alone because there’s so much that I’m going through on an inner level that I admit that I don’t always understand myself. I feel like crying during meditation as I uncover thoughts that appear to be ever present in my mind. Childhood thoughts, when I was more active and physically independent, where I would dream of the time I would be an adult and live my life as I wanted. The time, perhaps, I was less cynical about the world and when I still saw hope in others and in the world. A time when I still believed in myself.

 

Adulthood revealed a different reality. A reality where people do their best to get what they want at the cost of exploiting or ruining the lives of others. Adults who seek for themselves and only for themselves or those thy said they “loved”. Adults who go on through life without values or ethics while pretending to be self-righteous, if not holy, people. Adults intoxicated by their desires, consumed by their hate and comfortable in an ignorance that fails to see beyond prejudice and discrimination. This is a painful reality but I refuse to become more of the same for the sake of fitting in and “being nice” at the expense of others.. Just to conform.

And we are often forced to conform. This is the way we are socialised in order to survive in society. People who refuse or somehow challenge the “system” risk to be put aside in one way or another. I realise that I have gone through most of my life trying to conform and trying to be liked. Perhaps it’s time to act in a way grounded in the value of compassion which not always conforms to social norms. 

However, this is NOT my new year’s resolution. This is a lifelong commitment to be authentic to myself and open to the contribution of others in my life. A choice that goes beyond faith and is based on reason and the fact of humanity. A humanity prone to the wasting of time. A humanity that is impermanent, not immortal and vulnerable to the forces of matter and energy. A humanity that is permanently dependent on the world and other human beings living on this world.

Some critics may conclude that this message I share on this holiday or even “Holy Day” is rather secular and inappropriate given the feeling associated with this season - love, peace and compassion.

However, a close reading might reveal otherwise. For why is this time the West has long associated with the birth of Christ, the only time during the year when we are urged to give to those society considers “less fortunate”? When, in truth, society itself tends to create the conditions of social injustice leading to the wrong distribution of wealth, abuse or exploitation? As if the state of fortune is an inevitable, even inalterable, fact of nature?

Renewal, I firmly believe, doesn’t require us to make any radical changes in our life and may co-exist with existing belief systems or philosophies. This time when we celebrate holidays should become more of Holy Days. Not in any religious sense of the phrase. But, rather, as times when we awake to the reality that surrounds us. To our own limits and inescapable vulnerability as animals endowed with the potential to think.

This renewal can be painful because it forces us to face that, in reality, we own nothing and that, at the end of it all, we are nothing - if it wasn’t for the people in the world, the life that surrounds us and the elements that have been here before us and who have played a part in who we are today.

Genuine renewal requires us to to be authentic to ourselves.

To recognise that our whole is more simply than a sum of our individual characteristics. And, yes, renewal requires us to strip away any delusions we might have about who we are and our place in the world. It might mean accepting our vulnerability as persons. It may require that we stop and admit to ourselves and to the world that we have failed. And, perhaps, it is then when we can hope to gain real growth. When we can look beyond the pretensions that cloud our judgment. However well intentioned and sincere we may be. For no one is in our same situation, our life remains often misunderstood or even rejected.

 

I confess that it was difficult putting this entry together. It may be unclear at times. However, before I can speak of renewal I thought I should first look at my life. While I see faults in the world around me, I also see faults in who I  am and what I have gone through as a person. As long as I remain a human being, I can’t separate from the world as I remain dependent on the world. It feels bad to feel a failure. But it’s sometimes necessary to look back and realise your mistakes. Mistakes we do and do. And even when you try to do the right thing, it is sometimes the case when you’re excluded and rejected because you’ve got a different account to share. You are dehumanised and robbed of your sense of humanity just because you’re different. I’m afraid to face the future at times.

 

I  come to some kind of end. An end to a stream of thoughts about my life and my hopes for the future. This will be the last entry of 2012. I hope next year will bring about better days and bright futures. Yet, I do not know. The future being an unknown shaped by every decision I take today. I know already that it will be hard as I have to deal with health problems. Again, I am scared but also hopeful that I’ll be able to live my life day by day. Building my strength and continue in my practice of self-growth.

 

To you, the reader, I wish all the best for 2013 and for every day of your life. May you find the peace, health and happiness to live your life to the fullest. For, whatever we have, the present moment remains the only thing we have for a while. Everything comes and goes and we must be prepared to give meaning to our lives for no one will do this for us. And we shouldn’t expect that either.. 

 

I thank you for reading through this entry. I hope that you have found parts that are useful to your life. I may have not succeeded. But, in either case, accept my gratitude for supporting this blog over these past months.

 

I wish you all the happiness for new year’s day. More importantly, I wish you that in 2013 you continue to grow in happiness and compassion.

 

I hope that 2013 will be an occasion when we may all may find authentic happiness and be true to our shared humanity.

 

Enjoy!

An Old Self That Clings On

It’s the end of another day and as I take a good look at myself, I realise how much I have changed on one level and, yet, how difficult it is to manifest these changes. Indeed, during the times I’m alone and have to face my inner being, if you may, I do notice a conflict between who I am discovering to be authentic about who I am and how I come across to the outside world.

It’s not that I’m living a double life or expressing two completely different identities. Both this new sense of being and the old self seem to co-exist but, at the same time, each self has a story and a history and world view. These may be not necessarily opposite and they certainly don’t represent any split personality. They are more like an inner light that is hidden away by clouds. While the light is there and sometimes feel strong and clearly visible, circumstances only serve to obscure the beauty of this light with its preoccupation with what should be and a dissatisfaction (dukkha) that diminishes our appreciation of the present moment.

I do realise that there is a struggle between part of my being which opens my heart to a basic humanity. A being, so often misrepresented by popular media, of a compassion beyond conditionality or status. A compassion that recognises a universal dependence our essential impermanence.

Yet, it’s not easy to start to be the change you want to see in the world (to take line from Gandhi). It is painful because the safety of habit and the life we get used to provide us with a sense of comfort and relief. Considering another way appears too painful - not just for us but, yes, also for others in our life. A change of mind and engagement with our harts and the hearts of others requires more of us than simply uttering a few words of allegiance or a prayer. It may require to accept our nothingness in the light of a vast universe. It may mean recognising that our life is an ordinary life when compared to the life of the people inhabiting this world. It may be extraordinary in many other ways, but we all have to go through the same stages of life.

The habits we inherit from our previous past remain part of who we are today. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing and I believe I must accept that I have lived a life in the past I may need to change some aspects of this past. I feel that without accepting the reality of the past, there can be no growth and a great risk of getting too attached to truths that present themselves as absolute and never changing. Reality - a reality, which in itself, is ever changing and always being renewed.

In this sense, a radical rejection of the past would mean uprooting our roots without finding fertile soil to grow our sense of being. At least, at this point, I do find it difficult to really express what I feel inside. And I can’t expect that I will change overnight. But change must happen progressively like any process of growth one finds in nature. For, yes, we remain creatures of nature. Unique and impermanent.

My Personal Commitment to the Call of Compassion: 100 Posts On...

This is the 100th entry I’m posting on the ZoneMind. To be honest when I first started writing entries with my first simply called Beginnings I posted on that Saturday of May 2011, I wasn’t sure what I would be getting into. Moreover, I had no idea on how this blog would develop and whether I’ll continue updating it and not, like on some occasions before in real life, simply left it to undergo an eventual death of its own.

I am, at one level, satisfied that I have managed to keep this blog up for as long as I did. Indeed, I hope to continue updating it as I grow older. Of course, my outlook on life and my engagement with Buddhism and Buddhist practice will remain an essential part of the inspiration for my posts here. I must admit that I found a home in the Buddhist dharma or teachings of the Buddha. A feeling that I cannot fully express but which, I feel, has given me a lot and a state of refuge.

However, in spite of the fact that this journey of self-discovery has enriched my appreciation of life and brought me closer to other human beings, For sure, it  hasn’t made me impassive to the human situation. Indeed, as I write this I am happy but I am still pained when I hear of the natural disasters currently taking place. I am saddened to hear of the horror of war and conflict happening in the world. I am angered when I hear of injustice and corruption that seem to tarnish all trust in human nature.

I feel helpless because I know that there is little I can really do and all I can do is to contribute to the happiness of those around me and try to change all our lives for the better. I cannot say that I have succeeded. aFter all, throughout my life, I have taken up so many identities that may be conflicting. As a child, I took the identity of a member of an elite group for the alternative was undesirable. Later on in life, I felt like a victim as I got into grips with an additional visual impairment. This led me to adopting an identity of disability activist. Throughout my life I have been defined as a “Christ figure” bearing the cross of my impairment or as a “less fortunate” person.

Yet, no matter how I defined myself or any way others tended to define me failed to acknowledge me as a full human being. I always defined myself in terms of restrictive labels. Others defined me on their own terms. I was never free from imposed identities placed by others and those I chose myself. These last ones  appeared more liberating. But was I denying the most important thing of all, the value of being human?

Have I really stopped and asked myself why people thought I was different and not fully human? I now approach the same feelings and thoughts that emerge in my daily life with compassion. I, myself, feel the need to be treated with compassion and not with pity. For compassion treats others as equals, it doesn’t patronise or take up from an assumed higher position.

Some may say that in affirming a commitment to compassion, I am somewhat too soft and unrealistic. But I dare to be different. For here I am simply affirming my humanity. I am no different than other human being, I am no different, biologically, to any other primate and I am not different, materially, than other particle mass. At the same time, I am self-aware and in this sense, I have additional responsibility over the welfare of the world and those around me. These express the three main fundamentals of Buddhist teachings which I have dealt with extensively throughout this blog.

The fact that who we are arises dependently (dependent arising) which expresses the truth that without our relation to the world and others, we would never achieve our full human potential.
The fact that we are co-dependent (or inter-dependent) on the world and others. Apart from taking up the qualities of being human, we sustain who we are thanks to a close relationship between the world and others.
We are impermanent. The third teaching also affirms how we are inseparable from the world and others. It makes us aware of the fact that, like other things, we are not permanent and will one day be no more in our present forms.

Of course, even if they appear simple, these teachings offer much space for thought and further meditation for  future posts.

I’m not denying that I remain respectful of other spiritual traditions which I was brought up with, such as Roman Catholicism, or have become a secularist with its multiple   connotations. What I have discovered was that I feel what the world needs now is the promotion of an environment of compassion and the cultivation of inner peace and self-awareness. In this, I confess I have been greatly inspired by His Holiness the Dalai Lama whom I respect greatly .

Finally, I also wish to thank everyone who, directly and indirectly, helped me go on writing new entries to add to this blog. Thus, I thank my family, friends, even my enemies and all living beings for, unknowingly, helping me to write these first 100 entries!

The Shackles of Attachment

We may go on through life chasing a dream, drowning our pain and failure in pleasure. We may even obsess about achieving a position, making more money and buying possessions which, we become convinced, will make us happy. We may lose ourselves in the pursuit of a love interest or, on the other extreme, strive to escape from the reality which we feel is the cause of our unhappiness.

While our circumstances and positions of life may indeed be the source of our suffering, we cannot address our unhappiness if we aren’t aware of who we are. For, in searching for external factors to find our happiness won’t solve the problem on its own. If when I was a teenager, I had remained attached to the past when I could walk more, I might have probably achieved nothing in my life - except perhaps hoping in a miracle.

However, I took a more pragmatic approach and invested in a wheelchair. Even if I was reluctant to be seen using my wheelchair, I had to accept that my life changed and I couldn’t cling to a past that was no more. Over the years, I did have moments when I recall, with nostalgia, the many things I used to do as a child. Yet, I also recognise that in letting go of my attachment to an idealised past, I was choosing to live. Of course, many have described my life in many ways for continuing to live on.

Yet, the way I see it, I followed a very human quality we all have. I adapted to new circumstances. Part of that adaptability requires of us to let go of our attachments or to afflictive desires. We must adapt to change, for if we didn’t change, we would die to life. We would suffer the pains of dissatisfaction or dukkha. The only way to move on is to recognise that as long as aren’t prepared to recognise the illusion of our wanting, we will never be truly happy.

For, whether we accept it or not, life changes all the time. Even our identities, self-definition, religion, philosophies, politics, or aspirations are not permanent. Yes, they may form important parts of who we are today, but they are not us. Who we are goes beyond all the shackles that hinder our full being, clouds that hide from us our authentic beings and barriers that create divisions between each other.

Today, as a practicing meditator following Buddhist principles, I acknowledge how many identities I have adopted in an attempt to fit in a world, I felt didn’t understand who I was. I still feel isolated at times and misunderstood as well. However, I realise that before I expected the world to accept who I was, I was the first who has to make an effort to understand the world. Even if people still binds me to a social position and a fixed identity, I acknowledge the fact that I remain a human being.

For all I am doing or what I am doing is only borne out of a need to assert my human status. Even if I may identify more closely with certain groups of people, I am learning the importance of cultivating a compassion that genuinely seeks to understand others. A compassion where I listen and not jump to conclusions. A compassion that recognises our basic vulnerability and dependence as human beings.

For nothing in this world will last forever. A life that seeks happiness in material things on their own is doomed to be a life of dissatisfaction. It’s only when we accept life as it is and do our best to reduce unnecessary suffering can we be truly happy. It’s only when we open our heart to who we are and to the hearts of others can we be truly satisfied.

Nothing else matters...

Why am I? The Purpose of our Lives...

Follows from 'What am I?' 

 

I come to an ending to this series of reflections on the meaning of authentic being. It’s now that I find myself to this point in life where there appears to be hope, however dim, in the coming of a tomorrow. For, the final answer to the question of authentic being is intrinsically linked to the previous ones - one related to being, “Who am I?“; And the other, related to belonging, “What am I?”. However, unlike the other questions, where I could propose a few thoughts for reflection, the question of purpose may be unanswerable using neither faith nor reason.

 

For, why am I here? Why are we here? If I looked at life simply as a physical process, I would say that in life, we are born to suffer, perhaps reproduce, get old and sick, and, finally, die. But, then, we all wish to hope that death is not an end in itself. Even if we may not be aware of it, we are afraid of losing all we have in life. We fear losing our self. But, yet, we forget - I forget - that who we are today is something we owe to the world. Be it our physical bodies or our intellect and personality nourished by society and other human beings.

 

I admit that I feel the need to connect. The need to express who I am. The need to manifest who I am and what I believe in. Yet, beyond writing about this, I recognise that thoughts and good intentions lead nowhere if they are not followed by action and practice. Thus, the question about our purpose in life should include an awareness of our basic human limits and potential, the individual, historical and social contexts we find ourselves in and it depends on how much we are ready to recognise both these realities as impermanent. For, it’s in their relation to death that purpose is given a life of its own. 

 

I know that I spent my life taking many things for granted. I have been on the verge of physical death one time before but, yet again, forgot as I once again I returned to a life of habit restricted in a particular world view. Not that this was a bad thing in itself. But, it involves a significant danger of making us forget who we are in this world. It feeds into what we may call, ‘the demon of pride’ where we (and perhaps those close to us) are the ones who really matter. The world, thus, revolves around us. In such a spirit, any act of charity or kindness we perform is most likely to be an act of pride and vanity. An act where we attempt to validate our inflated self-image. Even if we present ourselves to others as ‘victims’, there is that risk even then. Since, even then, there is a pride that justifies our irresponsibility and decision not to act.

 

Today, I chose to  make a difficult decision. Even, as I write, I know it will be hard for many to understand. But, nonetheless, I know that I owe it to myself as a human being to serve, not as a slave, to serve others as they are, and remain, the reason for being who I am today. Of course, one of the ways I know how to reach out to others is through words and language. In addition, that my position as a disabled person in my society also imposes a degree of responsibility. However, it would be mistake for me to restrict my identity to a particular group in society for then, again, I would be excluding so many others and would lose an opportunity to grow and learn as a human being.

 

I have great respect for the many people who have influenced me in the past. Some who are still with me on this journey. Some, who sadly, died a time ago. Others, yet, I have never met but I grew to know from reading about their life. For, inasmuch as all I knew was only at the tip of their authentic self, I know that all these individuals have helped to sow the seeds of my being. I can never repay them enough for what they have given me is beyond all I can offer.

 

The purpose of my life, however, cannot be separate from an understanding of this relation with what I have called the ‘other’. For, as I stated so many times, it’s in this ‘other’ that I found myself. I feel that if I forget this, I risk forgetting something very important about life. I may not belief in an after-life, or maybe uncomfortable with talking about God, but this I understand. That, in each one of us, human beings we have a potential to build and a potential to destroy. However, I am not ready to go on living a life chasing an illusion that my life will go on forever. I’m not ready to persist in avoiding the fact that it is today and only today when I can act to change. And, it’s only today that I can express my gratitude and practice compassion to my fellow human beings. 

 

Not because they believe the same things I do. Not because I regard them as similar to me. Not even because I love them and they treat me well. Not even because they love and respect me. But, simply because we are human beings. 

 

And, about the purpose of your life? 

 

I can’t answer that. But, I must tell you, that if you genuinely want to find the answer, you must be willing to face your self and your strengths and weaknesses with an honest mind. You must be willing to bow down to the

people who are around you - not in submission - but to show your respect. Ultimately, it’s about living a life where it doesn’t really matter when death comes for you, with all your human limitations, have tried to live to the full. And, even if you fail, the fact that you have tried is still an affirmation of our shared human spirit!

 

THE END OF SERIes!

What am I? The Second Question of Belonging.

Follows from Who am I?

 

 

I continue to reflect on the meaning of who I am as a human being today. In this entry, which started as a series of three questions on authentic being, I will try to put forward a few points for reflection. In particular, to answers to the question about what we are.

Even if there may be no real distinction between who we are and what we are, I feel that this question relates more to our sense of identity in the social and human context in which we live.

Today, I find that a common answer that is provided when asked about who we are is related either to our work or position within our family and other organisations. In this sense, what we are is sometimes understood by what we do. Indeed, many choose to define themselves by what they do in their daily life. Thus, many who find themselves without work for various reasons become, in a sense, ‘nothing’ or, at best, those ‘others’ in society that we talk about and not whom we talk with. They remain hidden in misconceptions and a kind of mystery. They are like ghosts who don’t belong neither the land of the living or the realm of the dead.

 

But, in truth, aren’t we all living ghosts? Robbed of our names, our religion, our politics, our philosophy, our social groups, and so on and so forth, what remains of us?

 

Assuming that we are born in society and grow among other human beings, we develop a sense of belonging. We are given a name that identifies us as an individual, we are born in a family or a community that endows us with a culture and heritage, we acquire a language or many languages which directs how we will express who we are. We may acquire religion or a philosophy about how the world works and about the meaning of life. This list goes on.

 

Yet, while there’s nothing wrong with the need to belong, it’s dangerous if our sense of belonging becomes more of an attachment and a vehicle to discriminate, denigrate and humiliate those outside our group. I feel that, even in my life, I felt an outsider and never really fitted in either the ‘normal’ society or the ‘special’ society of persons with impairments. Indeed, I was a disabled person who lived most of his early life with non-disabled people. Yet, I never felt I belonged anywhere in particular.

 

Now, I perhaps, know the reason. A reason that relates to answering the question of belonging - not just in my case but for everyone. And, the answer is really simple. We can proclaim we belong to a group and even express our pride in this. Such a thing is not wrong but it risks creating between us differences not based on facts or reality but rather on thoughts and misguided ideas. It can close our hearts to the commonality of the human experience with all its beauty and suffering. It also shuts our minds to ways to make things better for all of us and not for one particular group or not.

 

Then, what are we? We may rightly define ourselves in terms of our tradition, beliefs and ideas. Yet, the fact remains is that what we are cannot be bound to a set of thoughts or words. Indeed, what we are is human beings who have the potential to transcend our differences and even adapt ourselves to new situations and realities. Yet, the fact remains that we are dependent on others in this world. We cannot belong to ourselves for who we are is a product of our heritage of evolution and of human society. In this sense, we belong to humankind before anything else.

 

 Continues and ends with the last question Why am I?

Who am I? - The First Question of Being

In my last entry “The Desert of Authenticity”, I promised that I would be meditating and reflecting on three questions I believe are essential in understanding our authenticity. While in these posts, I will attempt to address the the questions as they relate to being, belonging and becoming, I must say that my reflections are based on my own experiences and on the readings I’ve made throughout my 31 years of life. In this sense, these are only basic reflections that remain incomplete.

 

I believe that my life so far has been ordinary. As a boy, I was given a name, attended school and continued with my studies. I was raised in the Catholic faith tradition and received the sacraments. I got sick along the way and still get sick. I have been judged because I was physically different in many, often in contradictory terms, ranging from a pitiful and less fortunate boy to a holy person bearing Christ’s cross. I was seen as an ‘inspiration’ and as courageous. I was also some thought should be pitied.

 

I was hurt, felt angry and, I confess, was even flattered as I thought of myself as ‘special’ or, yes, even superior to others. But, in truth, all these identities were also imposed ones that were imposed on me. Even my sense of gender, culture and faith were, in a sense, imposed on me which although they have value and utility in society, they didn’t truly reflect who I was as a person but only stopped at judging who I was on the outside.

 

Unfortunately, we often confuse our sense of being with our sense of belonging. This exposes us to the risk of closing our sense of being to external and secondary interpretations of who we are. Even if I’m not saying that these identities are false, they often close our minds and hearts to other human beings as we are made convinced that we’re not like them. Instead of cultivating our authentic being, it obscures our sense of being and can, indeed, further distances us of acknowledging our basic common humanity.

 

I rote it many times before but it’s a truth that still inspires me in my practice. It’s the fact, that beyond all the world says we are or should be, we remain human beings who go through life experiencing pain and illness, we remain dependent on others to live in this world and we all must age and ultimately, die. Yet, we are constantly encouraged to escape from this reality and wasting our time and energy in vain. For if we persist in erecting further barriers between ourselves, there will never be peace. We will never be truly happy. We will never be satisfied.

 

As I end this entry, I feel that answering the question of being, we need to acknowledge that we are human beings- neither worse off than better than others. Only then can we start to change the world to the better.

 

Continues to the question What am I?

More than the Sum of my Parts

I don’t know what happened since I turned 30. The way I view the world and, I dare say, who I am, has undergone profound changes. I could try to explain what I’m feeling right now but I have noticed the change. I seem to have found something that was long lost. It’s like I have met an old friend. It feels as if I ham back home. I don’t even know where you’re reading this. I guess I posted this it on my two main blogs. But, then, these blogs only reflect an aspect of my identity. Or, really, my ideas about who I am. For while in ZoneMind, I express my discovery of the richness of the Buddhist tradition and try to capture my experience as I embark on a lifelong journey of self-discovery and on my practice of meditation.. And, on my other blog, the D-Zone, I express my point of view as a disabled activist.

But, now, I wonder about whether people reading just one blog will get a whole picture of who I am. Indeed, we tend to know people in terms of the positions they hold, the jobs they perform, their income, their religion or in terms of the group they represent. The risk is that by seeing people in terms of categories and concepts,we miss the whole picture. We miss to acknowledge their humanity and their dignity. By setting them in a language of difference, we have the tendency to stereotype them and by doing so, defile their dignity.

Until now, I presented who I am to the world in many ways. To my friends, I don’t behave the same way I would do with my family or with my parents for that matter. But, am I being less authentic when I take up these different, sometimes inconsistent, identities?

Yes and no. For, I believe that we must adapt to the particular audience or person we are relating to. You wouldn’t speak to your boss in the same way you would talk to your ten year old nephew.

But, at the same time, I believe that there’s a certain authenticity that you need to respect and cultivate. I have come to a hard time in my life where I’m at the crossroads.

I am happy with my discovery of a forgotten sense of belonging to a wider humanity. Yet, I recognise that I have chosen to define myself in definite terms - even if my intention was to claim my belonging to the world, I realise that I built more walls and barriers.

Truly, I am confused because I am not sure what to do next. Yet, I have a clarity of purpose.

I have the location but no map to guide me.

I am lost but feel found. I ask myself questions about my current purpose and whether I can ever find the completeness I feel inside fully present on the outside.

I continue to meditate. I try to cultivate compassion and genuine love. I also fail and fail. But I want to keep trying. I don’t feel that any other choice would be as fulfilling as that. I know that I will never achieve a state of uninterrupted happiness in this life but happiness I will strive for. I have defined myself as a ‘disabled person’ here and elsewhere. I remain disabled in the sense that society still raises barriers of structure and attitude that shout at me: Keep Out! Yet, I confess, I did erect my own barriers by using my difference as a weapon to emphasise my separateness.

When, in truth, my aim was the opposite. I wanted to belong. But, in the process, I sought to belong for the wrong reasons. I spent part of my childhood with a need to define myself in terms of intelligence and IQ. Perhaps I wanted to escape my disappointment for being labelled as different, as other, because a mobility problem. Because I walked differently. Because I looked, in some way, strange. Yes, I wanted to belong. But I thought I could feel special if I set myself apart, better and higher than all the rest!

Have I committed the same mistake when I grew attached to a new identity, however positive? Am I today, by remaining in the social position I held before, being inauthentic to my core being? Is it time for a change? I think that if I want to be completely honest with myself, I have to say yes…

Yes!

Indeed, I might Have , unknowingly, fragmented my identity in neatly separate boxes, wen I felt inside that I was, as I had discovered in Gestalt and Buddhism, more than the sum of my parts? Is change necessary? I feel I have a commitment to who I am. I need to reclaim my full humanity. I need to manifest my humanity.

I need to reach out to the world, because we are interconnected to each other. We are separate but united. We are divided yet joined. We are unique yet the same. We remain human.

Born of a mother, prone to illness and old age. We can die at any moment.

I have to be what I was always meant to be.

This might be the most important purpose of my life.

To be authentic to my being.

To be fully human.

To be open to the world.

To be who I am!

A Time for Contemplation

A HAIKU...

In contemplation

Finding self in nothingness

A sad happiness.

MANY RANDOM REFLECTIONS...

I am still trying to understand the thoughts and feelings that are going through my mind and which have touched my heart. I have meditated regularly over the course of the months I started this blog. I have grown in many ways but, today, I feel very different than the person I was before. Although I have shaved my hair and am more aware of my appearance, the changes I speak of are not physical. They can’t be studied through the lens of a microscope or even described in terms of letters, words are by using conventional language or one that relies on signs and symbols, sounds or phonemes. Indeed, language may even be a barrier in explaining what I feel inside.

I drafted this entry more than one time. The truth is that I can’t find the right words to express what this experience is all about. The haiku I presented above comes close to expressing the feeling, this realisation and this wisdom. For only in silence, do I seem to find noise. Only in stillness, do I find motion. Only in quietude , do I find distraction. Not that silence and stillness give rise to disorder but the fact that I realise that the chaos I now perceive was always there. It was part of me all along. But who was I? What am I now?

A few questions…

Who am I without the world and all nature that sustains my mind and body, provides me with air, food and water?

Who am I without my family, friends, community, culture, or society?

Who would I be if I had no mother to bring me to the world?

I only know the answer to the last one. If I had no mother to bring me to the world, I wouldn’t be here. And, many times, we don’t realise how precious this life of ours is. We seek money, power, status or whatever lights our negative desires. We hate, envy, hate, kill and judge because we think we are more worthy and perhaps more holy. But then, what will remain of our life if we burn our time and energy in the pursuit of an unattainable happiness?

I feel I must ask these questions. I don’t pretend to have the answers. I, myself, still struggle with these desires that inflate the importance of human possessions. This isn’t saying that I don’t think that all we seek to live a better life is bad or unimportant. What I’m saying that I realise that if these things come before other people or are the reason for harming others, then they become destructive.

For, as I am reminded during my meditation, I cannot claim to own anything in my life. I haven’t created my body or mind. I haven’t created the world I live in or the universe. I just found myself here. And, really, I can’t even say that my self is truly the product only of my will or effort. My very survival depends on other people. Other people depend on me. Our lives are separate, yes, but still connected.

I feel burdened by these thoughts. I sometimes feel like crying. For, it seems that I am returning home. To a place where I was always meant to be. A place I was before I was born. But, I admit, I am confused. I feel a calling. Or should that be “hear a calling”? For, this “voice” which is calling has neither words and language.

It is a “voice” that speaks to me in silence. One that reveals to me my own vulnerability and weaknesses. A “voice” that challenges my preconceptions and previous world view so radically that I cannot speak or think of any counter-argument. A “voice” that questions my core belief that I am a self that is totally separate from other human beings. A “voice” that forces me to see my own reflection in everyone, including those which society has defined as “monsters”.

Am I trying to escape life through contemplation? Am I being sincere and authentic in my pursuit of peace and happiness? Is this another excuse to give up on what I started earlier in my life? A flight of fancy? Only to be destroyed as I grow older?

I'm not sure of the answers. I never felt this way. It's like, suddenly, life makes sense. Life has a deeper meaning than ever before. And, yet, life also appears so absurd and so unreal. For all seems to be bound to cease. All life must die. All matter will dissipate. And, then, who will I be?

Can I remain untouched by this realisation? Can I ever resolve all these contradictions? I feel there is something missing in my life that I'm only discovering now. Perhaps I always knew it but was too enchanted by an illusion that happiness can be found beyond me when it can only find myself.

And, then, I shouldn't even be asking, "Who am I?" but, rather, I should be asking "what is I”? For, apart from the person that I present to the world, there is an essence I cannot name. A part of me beyond time, mass or space. You may call it God. But that is such a charged word.

I feel I can’t find peace in my heart until I am.

I need to change.

I may be sorry and even disappoint some people whom I love and respect for not living the life I also thought I wanted.

That is why that I need to seriously reflect and meditate about the step. For the consequences may be radical and, I admit, I still feel so confused and unsure of my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

But, then, what if this sense of being was authentic?

Can I risk living a life that, happy as it may turn out to be, remains disconnected from my authentic being?

Can I persist In ignoring or avoiding this feeling of being that is full of contradictions because I’m afraid that I’ll find nothing at the end of my journey?

I only know that I feel I need to know. Or at least ask the question. For, hard as it may be, living the life that is authentic is the best way to live. Any other existence would be so empty and vain.
I am not sure if this entry makes any sense or if it will make sense when I read it in the future. A future that is unknown to us. A future that is beyond us. And, yes, we act as if the future was a guarantee when it’s only a promise. A promise that includes only one certainty - the certainty of death.

It may sound sad to speak of death again. Yet, it’s death that should remind us of the urgency of living a life to the best of our being. It is death that should make us willing to see ourselves in others. It is this realisation of death which should awaken our hearts to our common humanity. It is only when we fully appreciate the lessons of death that we can ever come to appreciate how valuable and precious our life is. And how insignificant we really are in face of the wider universe. I wonder why I have abandoned my childhood innocence to pursue more temporal and unsatisfying things.

But, early on, I was introduced to an ethics based on pride and perfection. I was taught to be proud of my country, my language, my culture and my “God”. My, my, my! I was taught that I had to succeed and that failure was a sign of weakness. But I was the last person to be an example of perfection but, yes, I was proud!

Now, I witness a far greater reality and, again, I return to the beginning. I haven’t structured this entry because I’m unsure where to start or finish. I feel lost and found. I feel happy and sad. I feel calm and restless. I want to speak but remain speechless. I understand but I don’t know. I am nothing but I am.

I could go on forever and, apologies. Apologies for going on at such length. But, I had to express this confusion for, even if limited and somewhat distorting, this flow of feelings may actually start making sense. Perhaps not today. But they may in the unforeseeable future.

Back to the Beginnings

Today, I just realised that it’s been over a year now since I started this blog, I called ZoneMind>. My first entry appeared on 7th May 2011 and I gave it the title Beginnings. I admit that I wasn’t quite sure what how this blog would evolve but, in time, as I attempted to deal with the emptiness and dissatisfaction that preoccupied me during that period, it took a life of its own. My engagement with Buddhist practice has opened my mind to a reality that, in many aspects, challenged my old world view I thought I had mastered.

I am now at a point where I’m unsure of where to go from here. I can’t explain it using conventional ways. Language wouldn’t be able to capture what I’ve been feeling in the last few days. But, it’s only through language that I can convey this feeling and state of being. But, yet, it defies convention and I don’t understand it myself. I have changed so much that I feel like another person. Or, rather, it’s like returning to a state of authentic being that I had a child. A state of mind beyond the restrictions of language and thought. I am more open to the world in a wonderful way that can be overwhelming. I am joyful and sad a…t the same time. Joyful because I am once again aware of the beauty of life and the unique miracle of human existence. Yet, I’m saddened when I witness a world that is obsessed with the idea of power, position and control. A struggle to preserve a self that is impermanent and finite.

But, as I become more mindful of the dark side of human nature, I catch glimpses of this same pride and arrogance of human beings in myself. I must admit to that. Even in my journey of self-exploration, I still suffer afflictive emotions. I still get angry. I still can hate or get jealous. I can still feel self-righteous and indulge in vain pride. But now, it’s different. I’m more aware that, like anyone else, I am very far from practicing real compassion. Yet, now I’m more aware of what’s happening inside, I have a choice - either to react or else to act with care and patience. I am free to act with a certain confidence and patience.

I can find happiness in the sadness of pain and suffering that affects us all as human beings. I can be authentic and genuine only if I acknowledge that many of the problems I have with relating to people and how people relate to me and each other are rooted in an ignorance. An ignorance, not in the sense of stupidity, but in the sense of not knowing or being unaware of the reality we live in.

The reality in which our life as human beings is finite and impermanent. A reality where our experience arises out of a relationship between the senses, material reality and living beings. We don’t make our bodies or form our minds on our own. For this, we need the world, other people and our senses. We need to recognise that fact. I have now appreciated this fact because it affirms a certain truth hidden deep within my being. A truth I had felt as a child when I used to watch the waves of the Mediterranean sea coming up to the beach when I used to swim at the fishing village of Marsaxlokk, Malta.

There was a harmony of nature. The sun in the blue sky. An occasional floating cloud shaped in ways I would imagine. The clean fresh air. The pleasant breeze of a soft summer wind. I was then, one with the sea, with the sand, one with those who swam in the same sea I sweat. During those moments, I felt connected to everything - free from the chains of language or conceptions. I don’t know why I should remember this. But, I guess, that was then, and things have changed. I grew up. My body is no longer that active, my eyes not as sharp and I am burdened by the knowledge of the world. Inasmuch as such knowledge is important, it isn’t reality. It’s only a reflection but not reality.

I feel I cannot go on living my life as I was before, Now that my mind is more clear, I feel I’m still confined to a life that has lost its shine. It appears that I’ve outgrown my ambitions and plans for the future. I wasted too much time seeking happiness when this can only be found within and not outside. It is then only that I can dare to go beyond where I do not know. But, before I make any radical changes in my life, I need to take some time to reflect and ponder the real purpose of my life. Yes, I may escape and leave things as they are and that would be easy. But then, I will have to live a life that I didn’t really want. A life that is dissonant with what I feel I should do.

I need to reflect. I need time.

I hope to return soon.

But, for now, I need to know.

This is your Obituary

What if you had a chance to take a peak at your own obituary when you’re still alive? And what if, on reading it, you end up feeling disappointed that you really didn’t achieve that much and that people will remember you for little when you had so many great ambitions and plans for the future. And what what would be more important, how people had remembered you or whether you had achieved most of your aspirations in life?

In truth, these two questions are inseparable from one another. The way we view ourselves and the goals we aim for, for better or worse, are influenced by those around us and the society we live in. Of course, people will behave differently when to this influence. Some will simply conform and go with the flow while others will rebel and challenge the mainstream. Others still will retreat to the safety of their own private worlds. But, the ultimate question is what would you do? Would it be more important for people to praise you, celebrate your life and to honour your memory? What if you felt unhappy and unfulfilled until that moment of death? And that all the success and glory attributed to your memory were only a façade - an image you kept up?

There’s no doubt that death is a topic that most people would do anything to avoid. Even if it’s not healthy to be constantly thinking of death, I feel it’s important for me to dedicate some time every day to meditate about your day. Although I don’t always stick to this practice, I feel that putting aside some time to cultivate your awareness of your own mortality helps me appreciate what I have and place my problems into perspective. Because, many times, we tend to think this life will never end and waste our energy in a struggle to get what we want thinking that once we gain this or that, we will be satisfied and fulfilled. I know for I’ve been there many times before. You think that once you get what you wand - be it many object you crave for or a social position,etc. - you will finally be content and peaceful. But that only lasts until you start craving for another thing.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t have ambitions or a purpose to live for. However, it’s important that we are aware of what is really of value and to take the time to learn about life and discover what is really of value. For all the belongings, fame,money and all the things the world exalts, these are objects that only provide temporal pleasure and will not last forever. If we aren’t happy with our life, if we’re always absorbed in selfish desires, in fighting to outdo the other and only interested in what people think of us, we’re bound to live a life of suffering. For real suffering isn’t a matter of being in pain or disease. Our suffering arises out of our persistence in pursuing that which doesn’t last, it arises out of our attachment to who we think we are or to who we think it should be… It emerges out of our failure to grasp that in this life, we need others - that in our life we’re not separate from or superior to others.

Buddhist teachings place a great emphasis on the practice of compassion. I am trying to live my if de in accordance with this principle. However, you can find an emphasis on compassion in all the major religions and even in secular ethics. Unfortunately, while many would agree that the value of compassion is important, it’s sad that we’re still afraid or reluctant to live it. Perhaps we fear that in being more loving or compassionate, we expose our vulnerability and weakness to others. Perhaps then we will have to admit that we’re not so special but that we’re all unique and special in our own ways.

Then, at the end of the day, it wouldn’t matter that much what your obituary looked like. Not if you have lived your life according to what you believed in without causing harm to others. Not if you did your best to relieve the suffering of those around you. Not if you really invested your time in growing in compassion to yourself and to others. Not if you tried to live your life being true to your authentic being.

Facing the Call - Ending

Continues from Part 3

We’ve reached thee end of this series where I re-examine the purpose of my life. Ironically, it had to be the new year which was prompted me to realize that I couldn’t go on with one of my aspirations mainly due to persistent health problems. I spent these days meditating on this choice between working and living what would be considered a rather 'ordinary' life, I finally come to a realization. Not perfect or complete

I've realized how I may have been superficial in some ways by expecting that by advancing in one area of my life, I could gain a greater value as a person. When I should know that if it wasn't for the many people in my life - parents, siblings, relatives, friends, teachers, priests, - The list goes on and on - I wouldn't be who I am today. In addition, I realize I'm also indebted to the many figures who came here before me and who left their legacy to us. To be honest, I should also include my enemies to the list of people to be grateful to - not for the harm they seek or sought but for providing me with the opportunity to practice patience and grow in many ways in self-understanding.

We're truly so connected to each other and to all living beings and material things that we often miss it. Yet, when we lose an important part of our lives or are faced by a crisis, we become aware of how much we took what we had as if we could never lose it. as if things would never change. as if we had a right to own it - whatever it was. If you think about it, not even 'our' names are even our own. They were handed down to us by our caregivers and names emerge out of a long history and tradition. We all know that we're not our names or titles but we often act as if they had an existence beyond themselves.

But the truth I'm gaining over my Buddhist practice is that nothing actually exists without being intrinsically related to things or, in our case, to things, people and ideas. besides, as I consider how many changes that my mind and body have undergone, it's useless to cling to what we have been given. This isn't saying that we shouldn't value what we have but that we shouldn't give what we have undue value in our life. Like everything else, they must end one day. Yes, that includes you and me.

As I think about the decision I've taken to abandon my previous aspirations, which have to be put aside, I feel sad and disappointed. I can't deny that as I recall how much of time and energy I had already put into it. But the fact is that I'm not that strong to continue as I was. Yet, I've taken a choice to pursue my goal in another way and by using my potential as a writer to the fullest and to develop myself as a person.

The call isn't about gaining fame, fortune or recognition. It's about giving back the world some of what you've received. It's about reaching out to the world by being the best in the service of others - even if it means travellingtraveling in a lonely wilderness.

I think answering the call entails growing in our self-awareness and give our best to others in our own ways. To me, writing and communication may be potential ways of answering the call. However, whatever you feel you must do, answering my call means being authentic to your true being and to the world. But it’s my choice.

END

Facing the Call - Part 3

Continued from Part 2

At times, I really don’t know why I write. For all I know, nobody is reading this blog. I am aware of that with every new post I write. However, even if no one is actually reading these thoughts of mine, I still would feel compelled to write. I had an urge to write since I was younger and even if much of what I wrote rests some place I have forgotten or has since been destroyed, that act of writing would have been significant. Even if what I wanted to express remained lost to time, it granted me the opportunity to reach out of myself. Yes, the act of writing has a social element - it gives us the opportunity to reach out to others. Yet, it also gives us the chance to reach out to ourselves.

Indeed, if I had to read what I wrote when I was 12 or 13, I would have rediscovered part of who I was that had been long buried and forgotten. In this sense, the moment our thoughts are committed to writing, they become traces of the past. While this gives a certain magical quality to writing, the words and concepts we express through this medium remain corrupt versions of reality akin to the same words and concepts which are also distortions of reality they attempt in capturing. At the same time, writing and the language that is carried through this means of communication which is one of the means we have of reaching out to the world and beyond ourselves.

But why, you ask, do I write about writing? What does it have to do with the call? Or with the choices I have to take?It does in many ways as circumstances in my life prevent me from pursuing the path I thought I should follow. I won’t go into detail about these choices - at least not at present. However, suffice it to say that health issues have led me to rethink the choices I have made in different times. And here, writing comes into the picture. Mind you, I don’t intend to embark on writing fiction or long non-fiction works - although these can’t be fully excluded. However, I believe that through my writing, I can positively contribute to my field of interests, which include disability issues. Of course, I will continue my writing on this and the other of my blogs. Indeed, the choice to invest in developing my writing should give me greater chance to explore other facets of life that I might have neglected.

I have almost come to a close to what appears will be a four-part series. I hope that this post and the future ending will not be, to you, a disappointing anti-climax. However, I feel it’s important to deal with real life issues when considering my growth in self-awareness, or rather in my understanding of the meaning of life. Ultimately, anyone who has taken the time to meditate and practice will tell you that the ultimate application of all this undertaking should be the real world outside.

The last question that I need to answer is what I learned from all this. How can I grow by taking this step forward into an uncertain future? Does this what facing the call involve? Does this move to dedicate more of my time to writing actually fulfil my authentic being?CContinues...

Facing the Call - Part 2

Continues from Part 1

We can take a look at our lives as a continuous sequence of changes where we are partly in control of our futures. Our challenge is to be able to live up to the situations that life throws at us without growing too attached to a set of ideas about who we are and what we should be in life. I'm having to learn that lesson over again as I rethink my choices in life. Admittedly, if you consider the nature of suffering in Buddhist teachings, one realises that the account of reality we were invited to embrace is not a sweet pill to swallow. But no truth is easy to digest.W e sometimes refrain from taking important decisions in our daily life out of fear or because deep inside we want what we can't possibly have. In my case, a number of health issues have forced me to rethink my priorities and change the path I thought I had to follow to be of value. \

It isn't the first time that my body forced me to rethink my life. It happened when I had to abandon my Masters degree for a while, only to engage in another one as I grew used to a visual impairment I had acquired on top of my mobility impairment. At the time, I thought that this was the end to my life and happiness but time would reveal that there were many people out there who were ready to help and provide me with support. Indeed, this event changed me in many ways and introduced me to a new life, new friends and, eventually, to new opportunities
. You have a choice and I chose to continue not out of bravery or determination but because, it was that or a fall into an abyss of depression and self-pity. It was a question of survival.

It is then that you appreciate how precious life is. How you can't take anything for granted. How a single action - a single choice - can not only change your life but even your personality and outlook on life. and it sets you thinking whether there is something tangible and real about who you presume you are. Then you wonder whether you're living up to your fullest and whether you're doing your best - even when faced with seemingly insurmountable obstacles. when you find yourself, like I have, in a time where there' seems to be no hope. But, then you know., that as even the mightiest mountain will turn into dust, even the darkest of moments will be illuminated by the light of hope. as we grow in our understanding of who we are, the obscurity of ignorance will be overpowered by the light of wisdom.

I ask you why deny ourselves the opportunity to cultivate peace into our own hearts? Why do we have to rely on things outside us to be happy? And isn't more important to be true to ourselves rather than a slave to our desires and cravings that, if uncontrolled, will burn us out. My current position in life is delicate and full of confusion and fear. But I find refuge in knowing that no matter how bad things may get, the hard times will pass. Of that I'm sure.

But, in order for us to find true peace and happiness, it's important to be willing to give up our need to own the world and stop attempting everything in our power to preserve what, ultimately, is empty and illusionary. In our journey to find our true purpose, it's vital that we are able to respond to what the core of our being is telling us without preoccupying our thoughts with things that aren't that important..

And, what is my inner being telling me?

Continues...

Facing the Call - Part 1

I confess that there have been a lot of thoughts going through my mind over the holidays. Now that we’re in 2012, I feel I must deal with this sense of unfulfillment and longing that has appeared consistently over the course of the last weeks. There is no denying that I have lived a good life - despite any problems that I had to deal with over my relatively short life. Indeed, 30 years is really just a little amount of time and experience in the history of a person. One can imagine, then, how insignificant this period of life would be when compared to that of the oldest creature alive, or to that of the world or else, the universe.

However, the fact remains that I believe that I learned a lot from the experiences that I went through. And there is so much more that I need to learn. It’s far too easy to seek refuge in the familiar but this isn’t how life works. I have often wondered as I meditate about the meaning of my life. I have gone through a lot of hardships but, so far, I survived. Yet, despite this fact, there is still a part of me which fears the future. After all, there were so many things that happened in my life that I didn’t expect or prepare for, such as the increase in the severity of my physical impairment and, later, the acquisition of a visual impairment. Yes, I have prevailed as a visually impaired wheelchair user but this is not out of any extraordinary will or courage.

The fact is that if I hadn’t adapted to the changes which happened in my life, some of resulting in radical changes, I would either lose my mind or else close myself to the world or even spend the rest of my life on a death wish. But, in no way, am I free of dark moments where I wished I had never been born at all. These are only natural feelings that we sometimes must deal with in the course of life. Surviving is a matter predicated by many factors that are, in most cases, beyond our control. And, still, the little degree of choice we have control over is enough to make that difference in our lives.

However, that moment of choice must be taken seriously and with great responsibility. Of course, not all decisions in life carry the same weight and the consequences of decisions aren’t always that clear or predictable. At the same time, a few decisions require of us the courage to take them or else risk to lead a life of regret or denial. In both cases, we will end up disappointed - living a life we do not really like or to simply settle within our comfort zones and keeping our potential to a limit. As I proceed in my investigation of Buddhism, I am encouraged to take a step forward into the darkness of my soul. Haven’t I gone there before already?

In the course of the next posts, I’ll try to go further into an important question. One that concerns the very purpose of my life in view of changing circumstances.. Ultimately, it’s an exercise to explore whether I have gained enough experience to face the call within.

Continues ...

A Meditation on Being and Doing

I have been reflecting a lot about my life in the last months and I must admit that I have grown in my understanding of what in life is really important. Once again, I come to that point where I ask myself where I’m going with my life. Questions like: Am I living the life I based on what I believe in? And, if my actions do not reflect who I believe I am, doesn’t that make the idea of who I am untrue or a deluded one? Can I maintain that who I am and what I do are two separate things and shouldn’t be mixed up?

In simple terms, I feel that what I do isn’t always a reflection of what I claim to value or believe in. Of course, there are factors that remain out of my control. But, then, there are many other things that I just avoided dealing with or hoped that they would somehow resolve themselves with time. Indeed, some issues do resolve themselves in time - and really only solved in time. But, there are other issues that will not go away on their own. Issues that involve the very core of my being. The sadness that comes with the realisation that I’m not doing enough or that my actions aren’t consistent with my values. And here is the dilemma. If my actions do not reflect my potential, am I really what I think I am?

The fact is that I want more than life I’m getting right now. Life is too short for me to preoccupy myself with things that, although important, are not ends in themselves. Things I already mentioned before, such as possessions, social positions or reputation. They will, like everything else, come to pass. They are impermanent. I won’t carry them after I die. What really matters is what I do and how I live my life. A life that, to be honest, is the only experience of being that I have experienced and can rlate to. For, if what I do manifests itself as opposite to who I am, what does that make me? If I didn’t try to be consistent with my values in my words, thoughts and actions, then can I truly claim that I believe in, for instance, truth, justice and compassion as part of what makes me who I am?

There is no simple answer to questions relating to one’s purpose in life. There have been many paths I followed which turned out to be blind alleys. It’s perhaps now that I’m waking up to a new awareness that I need to take greater responsibility over my own life. For, at the end of it all, it’s not what people think that matters but what you think of yourself. And if you fail trying, there’s that knowledge that you tried. But it has to be a sincere attempt to grow. A decision to make that shift from harbouring an idea of who you are to manifesting that being.

Death in Denial

We're exposed to sights and sounds of death and dying people on a daily basis - day and night. Our media doesn't miss the daily ritual of reporting on a homicide, war, natural disasters, famine, and other news where other human beings are experiencing suffering eat the hands of others motivated by a myriad of intentions, ranging from revenge to sheer hate. On occasion, our news networks may throw in a suicide bombing for good measure.

But, I wonder, is this make us more empathic to the plight of our fellow human brothers and sisters? Do we, as we  witness from afar the daily tragedy of human lives  wasted away, grow in compassion and  bother to take the time to reflect on the essential vulnerability inherent in the human condition? Do we feel in any way connected with these people who are suffering injustice or misfortune? Or do we rather hold to an idea that we're not like them - that they are the "other"… that they are less fortunate… that, indeed, we're not like them… we're better… more civilized? These are some of the questions I'm becoming  more aware of the fact that, we can't go on living as if what is not happening in our country doesn't concern us.

Even if we're informed about the realities of human tragedy every day, I suspect that as we follow  these events unfold, we do our best to escape the reality of suffering and death. Instead, we take every means possible to hide away from being reminded of the realities that underpin our human existence. We take refuge in temporary joys and pleasure, we indulge in food and entertainment and we lose our time in seeking more wealth, success and money. We seek a happiness that , try as we may, we cannot at fain.

We fear acknowledging that we are dependent on others. We keep away from hospitals and such institutions where those who are excluded kept. We fear to recognize that we will change and so, we prefer to deny or even resist the aging process. We house large numbers of our elderly relatives into old people homes. We fear death and often forget those who are dying in our hospitals. Out of sight, out of mind.

The reality is that yes, we depend on each other. That is no reason to feel inferior but rather feel part of something bigger than ourselves. Yes, we will grow old and change but then, it's also true that sadness will be followed by joy, darkness by light. Indeed, once again you can't really  appreciate joy without having experienced sadness. 

Finally, we all will die - whatever we do. But,\ that means that we shouldn't take for granted the day we've been given. An opportunity to experience the wonder of life itself. The chance to meet new people, enjoy our friends and loved ones. We've got a unique privilege to cherish the miracle of nature and the universe. 

Indeed, every day is borrowed time where we can reach out to others and offer our love and compassion. I now believe that  is the only path to achieve authentic peace and happiness.

Disconnected in a Networked World

Today, most of us living in  are connected in a way or another to the world wide web. In fact, the very existence of this blog depends on the developments that took place in history, most obvious being the development of networked information systems, the computer itself and the  software needed to operate this new technology. 

However, there are less obvious factors that are not immediately relevant. For instance, adequate supply of food, water and energy; the fact that we are safe, even the fact that we can access the technology and had the opportunity to learn how to use it. Whether we like it or not, this legacy is also built on a history of the exploitation of natural resources, the practice of slavery, and bloody battles and wars between nations - to name just a  few. There’s, of course, plenty of positive events that characterize our history, such as our solidarity for other nations which experience natural disasters, persecution, war and oppression. Our human inheritance reflects who we are as a species. There is plenty of good in everyone of us, but there’s that potential for destruction that is concerning. Particularly because it can destroy all we have built in a blink of an eye. In addition, although we may take this technology, many people living around the world are still excluded from internet access due to lack of resources or educational opportunities (to name just a few). 

But what does this have to do with social networks? Apart from the dangers of our growing reliance, if not dependence, on social networks, there is also the risk that we forget that there are other people who either choose to keep their distance from the technology that enable social networks, there are others who simply have no choice in the matter. While this is a significant issue in its own right, in this meditation, I wish to focus my attention on the potential of social networks in communication and the possible pitfalls of this technology. 

Social networks have been hailed as a radical shift in how people connect with one another. Personally, over the course of internet use since the late 90s, I submitted a lot of profiles and registered to so many sites that I forget. But, the question really is whether this paradigm shift in communication is making us better at relating to one another. In addition, are we being authentic or sincere in the way we present ourselves to the online world?

Here, I acknowledge that the internet has opened up possibilities that I would never have imagined. I can communicate with people around the world by using various means, such as blogs, podcasts, social networks, etc. Indeed, this technology enables to reach out to more people beyond the barriers of time and space or the disabling environment that still restricts my movement in society as a wheelchair user. However, while I type about the positive aspects in all this, I can’t help wonder whether by choosing this medium for communication, like many others are doing, I’m losing something in the process.

And this something is really being in the presence of another human being. While we can communicate by writing, podcasting our message, recording a youtube video or posting a status update, I feel that this cannot replace the human element. In fact, I fear that this technology can make us forget that, on the other end, there are people coming from different backgrounds and who have their own insight into life.

I fear that instead of connecting to a wider world, we form our own exclusive communities which promote exclusion rather than encourage inclusion and social dialogue. Indeed, another serious danger remains that we lose our sense of who we are and surround ourselves with things that validate us and make us feel good about who we are. Finally, the danger is that we end up misrepresenting ourselves for fear of being unpopular or not fitting in with the rest of people. At the same time, in an attempt to draw attention to ourselves, we may also choose to be controversial, if not seek notoriety.

However, what it boils down is the fact that I’m left a feeling with a certain disconnection with those who are my online friends and contacts. This is not because I doubt their intentions are insincere, but they remain, at best, incomplete and, at worse, even isolating. Of course, there is value to social networks as they provide people, like myself, who still encounter problems with accessing society with the opportunity to relate to others regardless of time and distance.

However, as II end this rather lengthy meditation, I cannot help comment that I believe that social networks and the internet as a whole is not a replacement for our need to connect to other people. It may help, yes, but there will still be an essential component that we can only find in human relations where we are in the presence of another. Believe me, we may be accepting or even loving of other people in the online world but find out that we meet that sane person face-to-face, we become not so accepting and tolerance. Indeed, the old saying that “action speak louder than words” is quite appropriate in this context. For in an attempt to fulfill the need to belong on the world wide web, we might really end up entangled in its thread and even lose the sense of reality and of who we are.