A Time for Contemplation

A HAIKU...

In contemplation

Finding self in nothingness

A sad happiness.

MANY RANDOM REFLECTIONS...

I am still trying to understand the thoughts and feelings that are going through my mind and which have touched my heart. I have meditated regularly over the course of the months I started this blog. I have grown in many ways but, today, I feel very different than the person I was before. Although I have shaved my hair and am more aware of my appearance, the changes I speak of are not physical. They can’t be studied through the lens of a microscope or even described in terms of letters, words are by using conventional language or one that relies on signs and symbols, sounds or phonemes. Indeed, language may even be a barrier in explaining what I feel inside.

I drafted this entry more than one time. The truth is that I can’t find the right words to express what this experience is all about. The haiku I presented above comes close to expressing the feeling, this realisation and this wisdom. For only in silence, do I seem to find noise. Only in stillness, do I find motion. Only in quietude , do I find distraction. Not that silence and stillness give rise to disorder but the fact that I realise that the chaos I now perceive was always there. It was part of me all along. But who was I? What am I now?

A few questions…

Who am I without the world and all nature that sustains my mind and body, provides me with air, food and water?

Who am I without my family, friends, community, culture, or society?

Who would I be if I had no mother to bring me to the world?

I only know the answer to the last one. If I had no mother to bring me to the world, I wouldn’t be here. And, many times, we don’t realise how precious this life of ours is. We seek money, power, status or whatever lights our negative desires. We hate, envy, hate, kill and judge because we think we are more worthy and perhaps more holy. But then, what will remain of our life if we burn our time and energy in the pursuit of an unattainable happiness?

I feel I must ask these questions. I don’t pretend to have the answers. I, myself, still struggle with these desires that inflate the importance of human possessions. This isn’t saying that I don’t think that all we seek to live a better life is bad or unimportant. What I’m saying that I realise that if these things come before other people or are the reason for harming others, then they become destructive.

For, as I am reminded during my meditation, I cannot claim to own anything in my life. I haven’t created my body or mind. I haven’t created the world I live in or the universe. I just found myself here. And, really, I can’t even say that my self is truly the product only of my will or effort. My very survival depends on other people. Other people depend on me. Our lives are separate, yes, but still connected.

I feel burdened by these thoughts. I sometimes feel like crying. For, it seems that I am returning home. To a place where I was always meant to be. A place I was before I was born. But, I admit, I am confused. I feel a calling. Or should that be “hear a calling”? For, this “voice” which is calling has neither words and language.

It is a “voice” that speaks to me in silence. One that reveals to me my own vulnerability and weaknesses. A “voice” that challenges my preconceptions and previous world view so radically that I cannot speak or think of any counter-argument. A “voice” that questions my core belief that I am a self that is totally separate from other human beings. A “voice” that forces me to see my own reflection in everyone, including those which society has defined as “monsters”.

Am I trying to escape life through contemplation? Am I being sincere and authentic in my pursuit of peace and happiness? Is this another excuse to give up on what I started earlier in my life? A flight of fancy? Only to be destroyed as I grow older?

I'm not sure of the answers. I never felt this way. It's like, suddenly, life makes sense. Life has a deeper meaning than ever before. And, yet, life also appears so absurd and so unreal. For all seems to be bound to cease. All life must die. All matter will dissipate. And, then, who will I be?

Can I remain untouched by this realisation? Can I ever resolve all these contradictions? I feel there is something missing in my life that I'm only discovering now. Perhaps I always knew it but was too enchanted by an illusion that happiness can be found beyond me when it can only find myself.

And, then, I shouldn't even be asking, "Who am I?" but, rather, I should be asking "what is I”? For, apart from the person that I present to the world, there is an essence I cannot name. A part of me beyond time, mass or space. You may call it God. But that is such a charged word.

I feel I can’t find peace in my heart until I am.

I need to change.

I may be sorry and even disappoint some people whom I love and respect for not living the life I also thought I wanted.

That is why that I need to seriously reflect and meditate about the step. For the consequences may be radical and, I admit, I still feel so confused and unsure of my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

But, then, what if this sense of being was authentic?

Can I risk living a life that, happy as it may turn out to be, remains disconnected from my authentic being?

Can I persist In ignoring or avoiding this feeling of being that is full of contradictions because I’m afraid that I’ll find nothing at the end of my journey?

I only know that I feel I need to know. Or at least ask the question. For, hard as it may be, living the life that is authentic is the best way to live. Any other existence would be so empty and vain.
I am not sure if this entry makes any sense or if it will make sense when I read it in the future. A future that is unknown to us. A future that is beyond us. And, yes, we act as if the future was a guarantee when it’s only a promise. A promise that includes only one certainty - the certainty of death.

It may sound sad to speak of death again. Yet, it’s death that should remind us of the urgency of living a life to the best of our being. It is death that should make us willing to see ourselves in others. It is this realisation of death which should awaken our hearts to our common humanity. It is only when we fully appreciate the lessons of death that we can ever come to appreciate how valuable and precious our life is. And how insignificant we really are in face of the wider universe. I wonder why I have abandoned my childhood innocence to pursue more temporal and unsatisfying things.

But, early on, I was introduced to an ethics based on pride and perfection. I was taught to be proud of my country, my language, my culture and my “God”. My, my, my! I was taught that I had to succeed and that failure was a sign of weakness. But I was the last person to be an example of perfection but, yes, I was proud!

Now, I witness a far greater reality and, again, I return to the beginning. I haven’t structured this entry because I’m unsure where to start or finish. I feel lost and found. I feel happy and sad. I feel calm and restless. I want to speak but remain speechless. I understand but I don’t know. I am nothing but I am.

I could go on forever and, apologies. Apologies for going on at such length. But, I had to express this confusion for, even if limited and somewhat distorting, this flow of feelings may actually start making sense. Perhaps not today. But they may in the unforeseeable future.