The Call of the Phoenix

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> Read the original Phoenix Haiku Trio on HaikuFlow

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THE PHOENIX: A COMMENTARY

A few days after Easter this year, I was inspired to write another haiku trio I called “The Phoenix”. There were many reasons why I chose to write this haiku trio. The trio itself deals with the inevitability of death and seeks to capture our longing for safety, order and stability in face of doubt and death. During that period, I was also facing personal health issues that forced me to reflect on what meaning I could find in my state of physical weakness and  to deal with a  growing sense of isolation. 

While the mythological fire bird, the phoenix, is at the centre of the haiku trio, his manifestation is only symbolic as he serves me to embody my hope in a better future when I will return stronger than I was before to the world. It’s not about overcoming the pain and darkness that we may have to deal with in our lives. It’s about accepting it for what it is and attempting to understand its origin and real causes. Like the fire that burns the phoenix, pain and suffering can help us build us inside and make us aware of of what is really important in life. Indeed, while we often despise pain and suffering and, more often, have demonised these experiences in modern life, there’s certain pain and suffering that is both essential and necessary to ensure that we grow and learn about the world and ourselves.

BEING AWARE OF WHO WE ARE...  

Indeed, the first verses of the trio define the phoenix as being inseparable from his burden of having to burn and turn into ashes. Fire itself opens up an opportunity for another life - possibly better than the life he had before. In this sense, if we regard fire to be a metaphor for physical and spiritual pain, then the triumph of the phoenix is not in fighting the fire but enduring it until it consumes itself. For fire cannot survive without being fed but may need to be left to burn out until it is extinguished. Pain and human dissatisfaction represented by the fire can only be defeated if they are accepted for what they are. Experiences and characteristics of human existence that won’t last forever. Yet, while we may dismiss or reject them as they cause discomfort, they can also help improve us and change us for the better. Indeed, the may provide us with a chance to “live again”::   

I am the phoenix…

I will rise from my ashes…

I will live again!

BEING INTO BECOMING

In other words, in order to be happy we must be aware that we should not be so attached to the things we have or the life we have. For while we do good to enjoy what we have been given, we must also be careful not too become too tied and attached to what we have. For, despite any beliefs we might have in an absolute or in our own immortality, the fact is that, ironically, change is our only constant. Indeed, like all material reality, our body and brain are constantly changing. 

This is the process of renewal. However, although renewal can be understood to be a positive idea, renewal itself only describes that change has taken place and doesn’t draw judgment on the nature of that change. Indeed, as all matter in the universe is in the process of losing energy in an ongoing process of entropy, so does our life inevitably lead to our own entropy, we call death. Thus, the last line of the verse emphasises the fact that the phoenix too knows that his existence is finite. 

This  line apparently contrasts but  complements the last line of the first haikus. Death and life must co-exist for the cycle of existence. Death provides the chance for new life to be born. A life without dying  is impossible for, at the end of the day, no matter can escape the process of entropy and decay:

Ever constant change…

This cycle of renewal…

I will die again

Hoping against hope

While I won’t go into the issue of whether there is life for those who die, it’s a fact that the living will continue to live for some time after a person dies. Thus, we choose to remember and honour the loved ones who have died before us. Even if honouring our dead is a proper way to express our love and respect for those who died, it’s a ritual that we do for ourselves. Its a way how we can get to terms with the reality of dying and with the fact that another human being is no longer living with us. Life will continue but such an occasion should also remind us of our own impermanence and mortality. It may even be an opportunity to look at our life and realise that we cannot grow too attached to this world, as one day we will have to die too.

The hope, of course, found in many religious traditions, is that the human spirit will continue to live in another plain or in another dimension. However, we don’t have any proof of an after-life and having proof of such an existence beyond life misses the point. For, in many ways, it’s not where we go after leaving this Earth that matters as human beings. Rather, it is how we lived our present lives that really  matters. For if we lived in constant greed and  competition, if we are  held by insatiable  envy, desire  and hate In our present life, we are already living in a hell of our own creation. 

The ritual of death…

To be buried in this earth…

Hoping to return…

The final lines of the trio promise that, in some way, our material  essence, at least, will remain on this Earth and will contribute In the making of new life. In this sense, I wished to evoke a sense of continuation and as in the second haiku of the trio, to provide an example of renewal. From our deaths, there will arise new life and when this life dies, new life will once again emerge. Thus, the cycle of renewal continues but will continue indefinitely. Of course, the last lines encapsulates our human longing to see our departed loved ones to return. 

Indeed, we unconsciously seek to return to our previous life or to a better life in an after-life. We fear losing our sense of selves because we have unknowingly identified our very being with the world. We fear that death will mean that our unspoken fear that we are indeed nothing without others and without the things that make up this world. We are afraid of recognising our impermanence as this would undermine our idea of a constant and absolute self. In this life, we fear to lose our memory and sense of identity. In death, we fear losing all that we thought would be forever here. In spite of the apparent despair one may get from reading this haiku trio, the facts of life and death that I have dealt with in the trio are not matters of opinion or belief. We live and die, our bodies decay and decompose, matter in the universe is in the process of entropy. Nothing can be created or destroyed. Matter only changes in form but remains present.

A CONSOLATION?

In the spirit of our renewing existence, I find some consolation. For even if I will simply become nothing, I know that a part of what I was on this Earth will remain and possibly yield new life. There may be an after-life, but I feel that I cannot live a happy life if I rest my hope in an after-life that may or may not be there. I am living in the present. And it is in the present that I can find happiness. A happiness that doesn’t depend on objects of desire but that is based on an understanding that as a human being, all I am and all I have is a gift of a life that I must treasure. A life that is ultimately dependent on the world and the people who form part of it.

This, I believe, is the hope in a return that I tried to  express through  the call of the phoenix! 

The New Year Haiku Trio: A Commentary

 

Prologue

 

During mindfulness practice, it’s often the case that I’m faced with thoughts and emotions that can’t be satisfactorily expressed using conventional language. During those times, I tended to rely on rhyming poetic verse - that is, until I discovered the Haiku which I found to allow me to open my awareness to a vaster array of interpretations - especially during times when I am faced with a lot of turbulent thoughts and emotions.

 

One such time is the new ear where we may find ourselves looking back at how we spent last year. And, as I felt I needed more clarity on what 2012 meant to me as a human being, I wrote a haiku to capture my state of mind. It’s actually a haiku trio and so, I’ll go through each haiku segment and share a few personal meditations on the words as they flow:

 

A New Year Haiku Trio

From: Haiku Flow, 

URL: http://haikuflow.gordongd.com/2012/12/a-new-year-haiku-trio.html 

1

An other year is over,

Many days we have forgotten -

Dried up … like raindrops.

 

 Commentary

 

If you think about it, we only remember little of what has happened to us over the course of last year. Hopefully, we retain a sense of who we are - even if our sense of who we are (or our sense of self) is a transient one. Like all other things, we have changed as persons whether we are aware of it or not. e don’t realise it but even our bodies have literally been changed as old cells are replaced by new ones.

 

However, these changes happen so slowly and on such a minute scale that we just move on through life thinking that the only significant changes that occur are external to us. And, even then, our memories forget. This isn’t neither good nor bad. Yet, it’s sometimes the case that we take what we have for granted - even with a sense of pride and entitlement - without acknowledging or appreciating the source of all we have to keep on living as physical beings - the living world around us.  

   

2

Do we remember?

The tears shed, laughter shared… Do we?

Yet, this is our life….

 

Commentary

 

These verses follow on the theme of time and impermanence. At the same time, it goes beyond that and compels us to ask ourselves what, exactly, have we learned from life during the course of this year. While we may have gained plenty of knowledge and experience. We may have had many experiences of suffering and joy, but if we didn’t take the time to reflect on what we have gone through, where these moments in our life worthwhile? 

 

While we cannot change our bodies and minds in radical ways, we have a choice whether we grow out of the experiences we encounter in life or give up and indulge in a life where we blame others (hate), believe our solutions are external (desire) or go on through life without being (ignorance). These three poisons often might lead us to pursue the same life and ineffectual strategies that we have grown used to. Unfortunately, growth that resists change and doesn’t allow change is no growth at all. On the other hand, change that is made for the sake of it can be equally toxic.

 

3

Another year is born.

Our chance to live again. Anew.

To be here. Fully.

 

 

Commentary

 

This last verse of the haiku trio I wrote appears to be an invitation to accept life as it comes. At least, now that I read it again, it’s not just about a new year. For, in truth, given the different ways humankind has measured time, any day can be a new year. And, yes, in many ways, a new day is a new year. In truth, if you take away the fuss that we make out of adding a number to a calendar year and creating a day when we can take time off work, a new year’s day is just another day. It follows that it doesn’t have to be a new year to compel us to improve on our ways. Everyday offers us the possibility to grow and change. Everyday is the opportunity to experience our life in  its full potential.

 

And, perhaps, this is the main reflection underpinning the haiku trio. That, in order to live our full potential as human beings, we first need to recognise who we are in the world. We may dream to fly like birds, but our bodies are currently not equipped to fly. However, we can fly because some have considered the limitations imposed to us by nature and explored solutions around these apparent limitations. However, the reality of things had to be factored in so that we could, in some way, be able to fly.

 

Concluding Remarks

 

I don’t think I should add more commentary. I just hope this has provided you, the reader, with some food for thought. I remind you that the reflections I make in the haiku I wrote for Haiku Flow attempts to capture that sense of impermanence and transience. While below I provide my own interpretation of what the haiku verses appear to tell me, other ideas about its meaning to you might 

 

Haiku Flow: The Dark Night

I fear the dark night

The allure of sleep, forever.

I cannot escape.

 

Originally posted at:  Haiku Flow: The Dark Night

A Haiku On Loneliness

For those who miss reading my haikus, you  might like to check out my blog at HaikuFlow where you can find all of the haikus I posted here and which I update regularly when I feel inspired. The latest entry is about loneliness. I know that it is a rather sad topic but it's part of being human. It's called "On Loneliness":

 

 From Haiku Flow

On Loneliness

We flee loneliness,

Afraid to face emptiness,

Deep in our beings.

 

let me know what you think...

A Time for Contemplation

A HAIKU...

In contemplation

Finding self in nothingness

A sad happiness.

MANY RANDOM REFLECTIONS...

I am still trying to understand the thoughts and feelings that are going through my mind and which have touched my heart. I have meditated regularly over the course of the months I started this blog. I have grown in many ways but, today, I feel very different than the person I was before. Although I have shaved my hair and am more aware of my appearance, the changes I speak of are not physical. They can’t be studied through the lens of a microscope or even described in terms of letters, words are by using conventional language or one that relies on signs and symbols, sounds or phonemes. Indeed, language may even be a barrier in explaining what I feel inside.

I drafted this entry more than one time. The truth is that I can’t find the right words to express what this experience is all about. The haiku I presented above comes close to expressing the feeling, this realisation and this wisdom. For only in silence, do I seem to find noise. Only in stillness, do I find motion. Only in quietude , do I find distraction. Not that silence and stillness give rise to disorder but the fact that I realise that the chaos I now perceive was always there. It was part of me all along. But who was I? What am I now?

A few questions…

Who am I without the world and all nature that sustains my mind and body, provides me with air, food and water?

Who am I without my family, friends, community, culture, or society?

Who would I be if I had no mother to bring me to the world?

I only know the answer to the last one. If I had no mother to bring me to the world, I wouldn’t be here. And, many times, we don’t realise how precious this life of ours is. We seek money, power, status or whatever lights our negative desires. We hate, envy, hate, kill and judge because we think we are more worthy and perhaps more holy. But then, what will remain of our life if we burn our time and energy in the pursuit of an unattainable happiness?

I feel I must ask these questions. I don’t pretend to have the answers. I, myself, still struggle with these desires that inflate the importance of human possessions. This isn’t saying that I don’t think that all we seek to live a better life is bad or unimportant. What I’m saying that I realise that if these things come before other people or are the reason for harming others, then they become destructive.

For, as I am reminded during my meditation, I cannot claim to own anything in my life. I haven’t created my body or mind. I haven’t created the world I live in or the universe. I just found myself here. And, really, I can’t even say that my self is truly the product only of my will or effort. My very survival depends on other people. Other people depend on me. Our lives are separate, yes, but still connected.

I feel burdened by these thoughts. I sometimes feel like crying. For, it seems that I am returning home. To a place where I was always meant to be. A place I was before I was born. But, I admit, I am confused. I feel a calling. Or should that be “hear a calling”? For, this “voice” which is calling has neither words and language.

It is a “voice” that speaks to me in silence. One that reveals to me my own vulnerability and weaknesses. A “voice” that challenges my preconceptions and previous world view so radically that I cannot speak or think of any counter-argument. A “voice” that questions my core belief that I am a self that is totally separate from other human beings. A “voice” that forces me to see my own reflection in everyone, including those which society has defined as “monsters”.

Am I trying to escape life through contemplation? Am I being sincere and authentic in my pursuit of peace and happiness? Is this another excuse to give up on what I started earlier in my life? A flight of fancy? Only to be destroyed as I grow older?

I'm not sure of the answers. I never felt this way. It's like, suddenly, life makes sense. Life has a deeper meaning than ever before. And, yet, life also appears so absurd and so unreal. For all seems to be bound to cease. All life must die. All matter will dissipate. And, then, who will I be?

Can I remain untouched by this realisation? Can I ever resolve all these contradictions? I feel there is something missing in my life that I'm only discovering now. Perhaps I always knew it but was too enchanted by an illusion that happiness can be found beyond me when it can only find myself.

And, then, I shouldn't even be asking, "Who am I?" but, rather, I should be asking "what is I”? For, apart from the person that I present to the world, there is an essence I cannot name. A part of me beyond time, mass or space. You may call it God. But that is such a charged word.

I feel I can’t find peace in my heart until I am.

I need to change.

I may be sorry and even disappoint some people whom I love and respect for not living the life I also thought I wanted.

That is why that I need to seriously reflect and meditate about the step. For the consequences may be radical and, I admit, I still feel so confused and unsure of my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

But, then, what if this sense of being was authentic?

Can I risk living a life that, happy as it may turn out to be, remains disconnected from my authentic being?

Can I persist In ignoring or avoiding this feeling of being that is full of contradictions because I’m afraid that I’ll find nothing at the end of my journey?

I only know that I feel I need to know. Or at least ask the question. For, hard as it may be, living the life that is authentic is the best way to live. Any other existence would be so empty and vain.
I am not sure if this entry makes any sense or if it will make sense when I read it in the future. A future that is unknown to us. A future that is beyond us. And, yes, we act as if the future was a guarantee when it’s only a promise. A promise that includes only one certainty - the certainty of death.

It may sound sad to speak of death again. Yet, it’s death that should remind us of the urgency of living a life to the best of our being. It is death that should make us willing to see ourselves in others. It is this realisation of death which should awaken our hearts to our common humanity. It is only when we fully appreciate the lessons of death that we can ever come to appreciate how valuable and precious our life is. And how insignificant we really are in face of the wider universe. I wonder why I have abandoned my childhood innocence to pursue more temporal and unsatisfying things.

But, early on, I was introduced to an ethics based on pride and perfection. I was taught to be proud of my country, my language, my culture and my “God”. My, my, my! I was taught that I had to succeed and that failure was a sign of weakness. But I was the last person to be an example of perfection but, yes, I was proud!

Now, I witness a far greater reality and, again, I return to the beginning. I haven’t structured this entry because I’m unsure where to start or finish. I feel lost and found. I feel happy and sad. I feel calm and restless. I want to speak but remain speechless. I understand but I don’t know. I am nothing but I am.

I could go on forever and, apologies. Apologies for going on at such length. But, I had to express this confusion for, even if limited and somewhat distorting, this flow of feelings may actually start making sense. Perhaps not today. But they may in the unforeseeable future.

Nine Haikus in Memory of David

1
The star of David.,
The light of my dead brother
Whom I never knew.

2
It shines still today
During my darkest hours
Bringing back a hope.

3
Not to be afraid
To question what people say,
For life is vanity.

4
Life comes and it goes,
Our bodies deteriorate
And our minds do too.

5
David, where are you?
You died before I could know
What death really meant.

6
I never forgot
You were one day here with us.
But I never knew.

7
I still search for you
In my own ways I still seek you
My unknown brother.

8
Yes, I was too young.
To remember who you were..
Or get to know you

9
Your are the reason
I never stopped asking "Why?".
You're my guiding star.

A Day of Rest?

First, a haiku:

 

Just a  day of rest

 

I hoped for but never got.

 

Perhaps tomorrow?

 

Now, a few thoughts…

 

I didn’t mean this entry to be long. I am tired and need to rest. Indeed, I’m planning to take time off work tomorrow and forget, for a day, about work or life in general. I plan to rest. I made this promise to myself so many times. But there’s always something that comes up. And I keep  postponing. 

 

In our fast moving world, we often find that we have less time to think and reflect. With all its progress, I find that technology does encourage us to be reactive rather than reflective. Instead of being witness to life, we are becoming passive and impulsive. It’s not all bad but I do feel that people in general are losing touch with the real world but are escaping into their virtual spaces.

 

Since I committed myself to a regular practice of meditation, I feel calmer and more   focused. I regained that childlike fascination with the world I thought I had forever lost. I do still revert   to the “adult mode” at times but I try to be more aware and, restrain myself from cynicism (with varied success). However, I believe that I’ve wasted a lot of my life pursuing that which wasn’t really important. Of course, I don’t expect any radical changes but these, indeed, may take some time.

 

There are so many values that I have claimed to hold true but didn’t entirely live up to. There are valid reasons for that. But you may call them excuses. I have claimed to be honest. to be kind. To be less judgmental. But I did falter over the years. I could blame external factors and, at times, these have been valid reasons for my actions. But we may hold on beliefs and world views that are essentially good and positive but persist in living a life that oftentimes contradicts the core beliefs that we claim to hold. 

 

So we have fundamentalists who restrict their world view to the extent that they and members of their chosen few are living rightly. Of course, I don’t expect you’re a fundamentalist reading this blog. But we do share aspects of fundamentalist belief in our life. We do sometimes hold to a “fundamentalism” based on science, philosophy and ideology. As a consequence,  we close ourselves to our own worlds and to our own values. Good as they may be, any value system that puts itself over all else and which excludes any others indiscriminately can be destructive

 

Nobody can change who we are - even  if they may break our spirits. It takes time and lots of practice but it’s necessary that we take the time to practice. To undertake our commitment to change. To take responsibility over our own lives. I’m not saying that it’s easy or that things will turn out well quickly. Indeed, life might get worse but, at the end of the day, we can be open and active in our pursuit of happiness. This, even to me, would have sounded unrealistic and just talk. But, then, I think it’s worth to try become a better person who lives in the present. One person who hasn’t forgotten to wonder at the world and the universe with child’s eyes that are supported by wisdom that grows from knowledge, experience and reflection.

 

On the end of another day, I am exhausted but at peace as the night approaches and the sky darkens. But, then again, there is the moon and the stars that offer hope that even in our darkest hours, there is still hope - however faint and weak. There is hope that fills our darkest skies  into masterpieces of the cosmos. But, how often, have we stopped and looked at the night sky? With my vision, I admit it’s difficult to make out the stars and perhaps I may catch a glimpse of the moon. But I recall the times in the late hours of the night looking at the night sky in awe. For, I really felt that I was nothing compared to what was out there. That our planet Earth was like a speck of sand lost in a boundless ocean. The memories are still there somewhere. But I am only now that I’m rediscovering the beauty of all that surrounds us. And while there were many nights we try to forget or intoxicate ourselves for the sake of fun and entertainment, we just miss to witness all this.

 

Day by day, I commit myself to grow in awareness. I want to be a more active participant in the world. I want to be more open to others. I will fail. Yet, every step forward is progress. Now it’s really time to sleep.  I will take more  time to rest tomorrow. In fact, I hope to rest for the whole day. Rest is important. If not for anything else, it will give me time to reflect, relax and recharge my mind and body. It’s a day when I hope to get more in touch with the world and to grow in my self-knowledge.

 

A hope…

 

Perhaps tomorrow will really be a day when I rest...

In Search of Perfect Peace

First, a haiku...

I sought perfection.

To find nothingness and death

Barren, perfect peace.

Now, a few reflections…

There is a sense of peace as I write this entry on the last day of my Easter break. Indeed, I feel well enough to  return to work tomorrow. I did  a lot of writing and soul-searching in the past weeks and, to be honest, I feel rather worn out. Of ideas, at least.

There was so much to process over the last weeks that I can’t believe that it all happened just like that. The time I spent at hospital is now but a memory. As I slowly return to my usual routine, all that happened before seems so irrelevant and, yes, unreal. The only thing that remains is the insight I have gained from that experience. I feel that I’ve given so much of myself over the last weeks or two. Now, I’m ready to receive and bear witness to life.

But is this real peace?

When we talk of peace, we usually think of a state where there exists no conflict and we have no more to worry about. We dream of achieving an ultimate state of perfection. When all things go as we have planned. When reality matches our dreams and aspirations. But, this isn’t how life works. That perfect peace is but an illusion that causes so much unnecessary suffering. It deprives us of an opportunity to change. It turns living into mediocrity.

I don’t know what motivated me to write on peace and perfection. Perhaps it’s an attempt to understand why there comes a point when I really have nothing to say. A point When we have  to admit that we must be receptive to the world around us. A moment in time when our minds have to let go of their preconceptions and tendency to judge. Yes, I have sought perfection and peace as I saw them -   but achieving both could bring about a kind of death. Not necessarily a physical one but more of a spiritual one.

For the real  peace I seek should be one that celebrates  life and embraces change. For life is, in truth, change. A person who doesn’t grow or renew is but a corpse - devoid of life and lacking the spirit of humanity. I, myself, have struggled with the idea of perfection. I felt that I could never be at peace if my body wasn’t close to the ideal body that society so glorified and commended. I was, indeed, physically impaired and, later, acquired a visual impairment. These didn’t fit well with the bodily ideal of perfection that I was exposed to. We dream of a time when we will end all this material suffering. Yet, I dare ask whether if we really become “perfect”, would this world truly be a better place? If we became “immortal” and retain our youthful energy, would that make us better humans?

Again, I don’t have the answers. What I know is that over the years I always depended on others in some way or another. I have felt moments when I did hate my body for being limiting and restrictive. Yet, today, I have come to realise that society had a role to play in making me feel unwanted, unwelcome or even  a burden. And yet, I’m not totally  dependent on others. On the contrary, I’m sure that others depend on me. But even if I didn’t, would that reduce my value as a person? Is our worth as humans dictated by what we do?

I’m afraid that in the West where the economy has gained considerable influence and power over our lives, we are being valued more for what we do rather than on who we are. The simple fact is that we are commodifying life. We are treating other human beings like us as property. Suddenly, people are defined in terms of economics. Make no mistake, this is modern slavery. And we accept it because we have become too attached to the material fruit of this state of affairs. There’s nothing wrong with that. Indeed, I really enjoy the good things that the modern world has made possible. Indeed, if I think about it, it would be unimaginable for me to reach the world through writing if it weren’t advances in technology, in political and social organisation and, yes, in our economy.

However, the danger is when we become slaves to this material wealth. It is then when we lose sight of the important things in life. It’s than that money takes the place of human life. It’s then when we have regress. It’s when we persist in perceiving ourselves as separate and independent individuals that the tragedy happens. When countries fail to intervene  while there’s still hope that lives can be saved that we fail. We can never be separate. We can never claim to be independent.

I end this rather unstructured post with hope. Hope that the world will one day be at peace. This isn’t saying that I hope that  all disease will be eradicated (not that isn’t commendable). Nor that people will not age or die any more. I can’t hold on to  unrealistic hopes. Painful as they might be, These realities, I learned, are an intrinsic part of the process of life. Without them, change wouldn’t happen and new life would be impossible.

What I hope is that we, me included, recognise our essential humanity - our essential common experiences. For whatever your creed or belief, you must face the same stages  of life as anyone else, including death. This is the  reality. We may choose to waste our lives pursuing a perfection that isn’t there and a peace that doesn’t really satisfy us. When instead, we should appreciate what we have and, yes, improve on it. But not at the cost of losing our compassion and ability to relate to other human beings as persons and not as objects.

When Buddha was teaching the four noble truths, the first truth he taught was that “life is dukkha”. The word “dukkha” is a Pali word which has been  inaccurately translated as “suffering”. However, a more accurate  translation of the word “dukkha” is “dissatisfaction”.  A dissatisfaction that cannot be resolved until we stop hanging on to our attachments - whether they are material or abstract in nature.

Paradoxically, we may find peace in our lives and discover perfection in our lives when we recognise that peace and perfection aren’t in the future. That in reality they can be found in our  ordinary everyday lives. If we are prepared to  receive.  and

Is this the authentic peace we are seeking? Is this a perfection that transcends all things?

You decide...

Letting Go - A Haiku Trio

Hopes and dreams may die,
Now, a tree may yield no fruit.
Living on thru death.

Like our hopes and dreams,
A dying wish can give life,
To other beings.

And fresh hopes and dreams,
May grow from dwindling visions,
First we must let go!

You might want to read the commentary for this haiku now.

Location:Mater Dei Hospital, Msida

In Memory of Identity - Part 4

Continued from Part 3

The realisation that our memories, and consequently, our identities can be so fragile and vulnerable might make us feel sad. On the other hand, it should help us reflect more on the preciousness of the everyday moment. It should make us more aware of how unique and sacred the experience of living is and open our hearts and minds to those around us and to all living beings.

The awareness of that who we are today would not be possible were it for the people we have met throughout our lives should make us reflect on how co-dependent we are on the world. For if it wasn’t for the material world, we wouldn’t be able to sustain our bodies. For if It hadn’t been for the many people, past and present, who taught us how to be human, we wouldn’t be seeking more from life and asking what life is all about. For if it hadn’t been for the Earth and all the conditions that made life possible, we wouldn’t be here as a species and would have never evolved in the first place.

I want to grow and practice mindfulness not to achieve fame and fortune but to find the peace and happiness that sometimes still eludes me. I know that I am not wise and did falter before and I am sure that I will falter again. However, I realise that, despite my failings, change does not come without a degree of sacrifice and an open mind.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be in a position when I start forgetting who I am. I confess that the possibility does frighten me. However, life is unpredictable and it could happen. I hope that those around me will still view me as a human being and support me in the best way they can. I also hope that as I drift into forgetting, I will appreciate the present moments as I experience them. For, even now, the present moment is really what we experience. And it flees away so quickly.

The End

In Memory of Identity - Part 3

Continued from Part 2

People who have severe memory loss challenge our ideas about identity. They force us to consider that our identity isn’t as solid and constant as we wish to believe. If this wasn’t the case, we wouldn’t grow. Change would be impossible and we wouldn’t be able to adapt. Life without change leads to an inevitable death. There is no escaping that fact.

Buddhism talks about the principle of dependent arising which is relevant to this reflection on memory and identity. For while we may deem people having memory loss as suffering, 

we experience suffering ourselves as we witness another human being fading into oblivion. It’s undeniable that the person experiencing memory loss may be going through a nightmarish existence where nothing makes sense any more.

Yet, the more I contemplate this reality, the more I realise how I, myself, don’t exist without a frame of reference. We exist in relation to others. We define ourselves in relation to the world around us. Our identity is not absolute and is in a flux. A single experience, a word, or even a piece of music, can alter our sense of self. And we can’t even claim to be self-made as we’re tempted to do in a Western society preoccupied with independence and individuality.

For in truth, the memories that remind us of who we are or we think we are have been shaped by our friends, family, society, history, culture, language and many more. Our contribution to our identity becomes significantly limited. But, we have the most important tool in our mind. We can choose to remain passive and complacent or learn to cultivate awareness. 

Many times, I notice that people go on living as if their life was immortal. They take life for granted without opening their minds to the world around them. We are sometimes too concerned with preserving the memory of our identity when, in fact, the self is only the product of many processes working together to create an illusion of self. A self dependent on our senses, our perceptions, on our histories and the context we’re living in. Ultimately, we hold all this together thanks to a memory that, as a product of mind, is also prone to decay.

Continues...

In Memory of Identity - Part 2

Continued from Part 1 

 

We often underestimate the importance of memory in defining who we are. Indeed, our identity is dependent on memory. Our past only exists in our memories. We create our present from the accumulation of memories. Even our futures are often rooted in our past and present experience which we remember thanks to our memory. If we had to forget everything we learned in the past, or incapable of creating new memories, it appears to us as an unbearable existence. For, in truth, memory is at the basis of everything we think of as human.

 

If there was no memory, there would be no history since historians wouldn’t remember what happened yesterday and wouldn’t feel a need to record it. Science wouldn’t exist as knowledge about the world is lost as soon as it is observed. There would be no need for politics, religion or philosophy as in a amnesiac world, time becomes irrelevant for to perceive time, we must be able to know what happened before and assume that after this moment there will be another one and yet another. There would be no language, for no one would be able to remember concepts or words.

 

To us, who are so unaware of how dependent we are on memory, a life where we lose our memory to the point of forgetting ourselves is a fate comparable to death It’s only natural to fear this sort of death. But are our memories really that reliable and infallible? Aren’t our memories like everything in life, prone to distortion and corruption? Is the past we reminisce about an authentic representation of the past that existed? Are we really in tune with our present existence? Are our futures but projections of our fears and desires with no firm grounding in reality?

Continues...

in Memory of Identity - Part 1

First, let me start with a haiku

I do lose myself
In a nature beyond me
Finding compassion

After a hard day and a deep restful sleep, I sometimes find myself having to adjust once again to a waking state. I need to make a little effort to remember what happened last night and what I had to do that morning.

Even if it’s not as worrying as memory loss that characterise some mental states, I wonder where my mind was during the time I was asleep. Where was I? And who was I? The truth of the matter is that during sleep, we enter a state not that different than death.

When you hear about the death of someone, even if he or she is not close to you, we are momentarily forced to reflect about the everyday reality of death. Yet, we fail to see that each day, in many ways, we are dying on different levels. Inasmuch as death terrifies most of us, we are also afraid of one day waking up to realise that we don’t know who we truly are any more. The prospect of forgetting ourselves is, of course, associated with old age.

However, more serious cases of memory loss, such as dementia are particularly disconcerting as they effectively conditions that threaten our belief in an ever present self.
During sleep, we forget who we are. In that condition, who we are becomes immaterial. We need to rest and, if that means completely shutting down to the world, we are willing to forget the world for a while. We don’t plan to sleep or can really suppress it for long without experiencing health or psychological problems. It’s not only natural but it appears to be necessary for our wellbeing. Yet, when we wake up, we need to function again in a material world. There, we turn to our memories.

Continues...

A Witness to the Dark

I’ve been going through a rough time lately as I have to face some health issues again. I’m experiencing this ringing in the ears again. And, now, I’m also having occasional blackouts. There were times when I really feel scared and helpless. I don’t claim that my experience is unique or that my pain is excruciating. But, whenever I am disoriented either by my tinnitus or my temporary blindness, I feel as if I’m alone and helpless. There is, I admit, a degree of physical pain in my experience. But, that’s not the primary cause of my suffering.

Indeed, even if I write this wondering if I’ll have an attack as I try to describe my feelings, I also know that no matter how well I describe my experience, it will remain just words. Yes, words that express a thought, a feeling and a state of mind. But, nevertheless, these words I type are simply a trace… an image… an imitation of an experience. Our memories are so short and fragile. I will probably forget myself what the actual experiences I’m going through were like. I don’t know if all this will ever end in my life. I do feel abandoned when I am vulnerable, when it’s like being in a state of living and non-living.

No light without dark

But, as I read the haiku “In the Dark” I wrote last time, I realise how true it was. In spite of the darkness I feel around me at those times, I know that there’s no darkness without light. Would you know what darkness was if you never experienced it? What you understand what light is if you never experienced darkness.

There’s no hope without despair

The same can be said of the moments of despair that are haunting me. I know that these moments will, one day, end. Even if life may be leading you nowhere, and you are plagued by a sense of hopelessness, there is still some hope. There’s no hope without despair. I know that these hard times I struggle with are the source of much doubt and resignation. But, as I am reminded of the buddhist idea of impermanence, I am reassured by the fact that there will be one day when this will end. As light cannot exist without darkness, so there can be no hope if there is no despair. If our life was devoid of any suffering, then there would be no reason to hope in a better tomorrow. It wouldn’t really a human existence at all.

No life without death

Finally, I do wonder whether I will survive to see a tomorrow. I have wondered about death since I was young. I may sound strange but I was always aware of my own mortality but I knew it had to happen one day. As death had taken one of my brothers away, it could take me at any point. Yes, I was scared but if this was a state similar to sleep, I wouldn’t mind that much. For who are we really in a dreamless night? And while our death may be a sad and tragic event for those who love us and, as we live, we probably dread the prospect of dying, it’s inevitable. But, like light and darkness, hope and despair, there can be no life without death.

Concluding Reflection

This is the cycle of existence. The nature of life. Things can only exist in relation to other things. There is nothing intrinsically bad about darkness, despair and death. They’re part of our experience. We suffer because we cling to the what makes us comfortable and what makes us feel safe. However, my experiences of life has taught me that I don’t have to worry too much about tomorrow. It’s good to plan ahead and live for a purpose. Yet, ultimately, we have to accept that we should appreciate moments of darkness as much as those of light, times we feel desperate as much as we hope for a better future and appreciate our life as we are aware of the impermanence of life and the inevitability of death.

An End?

With this I end this reflection. Still, as I end this post. But is it really an end? Isn’t darkness an opportunity to search for the light? Isn’t darkness an opportunity to rest and sleep? Isn’t despair a chance to discover yourself? Isn’ despair an invitation to hope? 

And isn’t the awareness of  of death, a reason to celebrate this life? To appreciate life with all that it brings? Isn’t an awareness of death a call to appreciate the today, to rejoice in the now? And, isn’t death not just a loss but also a hope for the renewal of life. Isn’t death giving a new life to start?

An end is also a beginning. Every beginning will one day end.

Life  is not good or bad. 

Life is simply what it is.

Star Gazer

Stars light up the night
A boy stares above in awe
Are we all alone?