Pain - Teach Me Life

I'm in pain once again. It's my back and legs now as well. It's hard and I struggle to type this entry in my present condition. So, I'll limit myself to a few reflections.

Of course, it's difficult for me to cope at times. I get to ask the question - why me? After all, I have been through so much over these years that I don't need this. Yet, when I realise how others may be going through much more serious suffering, I am compelled to ask why not me. What makes me so 'special' as to be spared to share in this human experience? Wouldn't be arrogant of me to expect to be spared just because I have through enough pain?

Doesn't this experience offer me the opportunity to Learn about who I am and my relation to others and the world?

Should I consume myself in anger and personal concerns while failing to grow in compassion? Aren't we, humans, all in the same situation? No one can escape this.

I also lay my hope that like everything else, this will end. Even if, at present, it seems hard to believe. I could deny myself the possibility of hope and indulge in self-pity and close my heart to the world. But that wouldn't help me or anyone for that matter.

This is my current reality. Uncomfortable - sure. Unnecessary - perhaps. But, useless it is not.

I witness the present moment. There's pain that comes and goes. But every one of these moments is unique and I must trust and live in the realities that surround me.

There'll be times of hope and others of despair. Successes and failures in how I dealpain. Yet, I refuse to define myself with this temporal pain. My humanity goes beyond that.

I may choose to drown in despair or affirm life by accepting this experience, learn from it and letting go.

Nobody can decide this but me.

I will try to choose to follow the path of hope.

This is a choice that no one can make on my behalf.

But it's a choice that I must make.

Longing for a Place to Call Home

It’s now almost a week now since I’ve been living in my new house. Yes, it’s still a ‘house’ to me for now. There have been different emotions that have emerged as if from a deep part of who I am. Even if I’m in a community setting, there’s still a sense of isolation and alienation. I am discovering that settling in isn’t an easy thing. I have doubts at times on whether I was prepared for this radical change. I find myself in a reality that I have to accept. A reality that I wish to deny but is one that I face every waking moment.

I find value in this opportunity as it made me realize that I need my personal space, silence and time to reflect and meditate. I like to socialize, mind you, but I am aware that I like to be on my own. Perhaps this reflects badly on me but I prefer to lead a quiet life and I certainly need some time alone. This, I feel, what still lacks in my new life. I may not be cut out for a community setting. This isn’t anyone’s failure, I know, and I will try to stay here and be open to this experience. I know that many have worked hard and still working to make this transition I success. I owe it to them to, at least, do my best.

However, today, I feel like a refugee, a man without a home. A restless soul seeking peace. The peace of a place to call home. I may need to adapt to my new life but there’s always that lingering sadness and a deep sense of abandonment. I trust that this feeling will one day cease as it is, like anything else in the cosmos, impermanent. I may have to be more willing to reach out to the others who are sharing this experience together with me. But, I admit, that I long for the moments when I have the time to meditate - just listening, just witness life that is unfolding in my presence.

I can’t expect anyone to relate to my need for a time to contemplate. I Know that in my active life, I am expected to be on the go and to react (rather than act). I need a time to reflect about my life - how I am here and where I wish to be. I can forget the past but also   acknowledge the present that I’m living. For every day I am living, I am shaping the future. I must accept that it’s up to me whether to go on living this new life. Inasmuch as there are many things that I can’t control or choose in my life, ultimately, I remain responsible for my own future. A future, I hope, will lead me to further growth and happiness.,  

Having said that, I still struggle with the feeling that I don’t belong here. A feeling that there’s an emptiness that rules my days. An uncertain future, hopes and dreams that have been crushed. A profound longing for a home that I never had and which, it seems,, I will never have. Like the ancient Hebrews during their exile in Babylon, I find myself thinking of the ‘promised land’.

PSALM 137

1  By the rivers of Babylon,

         there we sat down, yea, we wept,

when we remembered Zion.

2  We hanged our harps upon the willows in the midst thereof.

3  For there they that carried us away captive required of us a song;

         and they that wasted us required of us mirth, saying,

Sing us one of the songs of Zion.

4  How shall we sing the LORD's song in a strange land?

Yet, in my case, this promised land of Zion is where I can truly express who I am. A place where I can find a silent place to manifest my full being. I still feel that I am in a strange  land. I feel I don’t yet belong here. This may be a failing on my part. And, I will try to do my best to make it work. The only thing I can truly say is that time will tell. Experience will guide me in how to proceed.

The Akwarell Speech: A Message on Independence, Hope and Thanksgiving

Opening Statements

Welcome your excellencies, members of parliament, distinguished guests, family and friends and all those of you who came to celebrate this occasion.

An occasion so important in my life and in the life of my other friends who will be joining me in this new experience...

Today, we are here to celebrate the official opening of our new home, Akwarell*.

To mark this occasion, I wish to share some of my thoughts about what this means to me.

About Community...

At present, Akwarell is just a building. But, I hope, together with my friends, we will turn this building into a home, in the best senses of the word. I think that the name we have chosen for this house: 'Akwarell', expresses how we want this home to be a place to express who we are both as individuals and as a community.

Indeed, in the same way an artist would paint the akwarel, we hope this building will serve us to express our best colours but, at the same time, create something that we could only create with one another. A community of friends.

About independence

However, what Akwarell means goes even beyond that. Akwarell is a place where we can be more independent. Here, it's important to explain what I mean by independence.

Independence does NOT mean we will do everything on our own. Independence does NOT mean we don't need anybody any longer. Independence means being able to make our own choices. Independence means having the necessary help and support to fulfil our full potential. And, in truth, no one in society can live on his/her own. We all need each other in life.

Concluding Remarks

There are many people whom we must thank for making all this possible, each in our different way.

For my part I must thank my parents and all my family, my friends and my work-mates at KNPD. If it hadn't been for all of you, I would not be here today.

However, today was only possible because of the work carried out by pioneers such as Mons Azzopardi who wanted to give us, disabled people, back our life and dignity. Mons Azzopardi who also helped change the Church's approach to disability from a question of false charity to one of social responsibility. I must also thank those who followed in his footsteps at Id-Dar tal-Providenza, Mons. Gatt and Fr Martin Micallef.

I think that my friends who will be moving in Akwarell in the coming days will agree with me when I say that we are indebted to all those of you who continue to help and support us to achieve the best possible quality of life.
I trust in your continued support.

Thank you all!

Have a good day...

Footnotes

As explained in my last entry Meditations in Watercolor, last Thursday, I participated in an activity to inaugurate the official opening of our new home at Qawra. I explained how I was asked to be one of the speakers for the occasion - especially since I‚ll be one of the ones who will be living there for the forthcoming future. Since some have expressed the wish to get an idea of what my speech was about, I have decided to share the text I used as a guide in document for my speech. Incidentally, I would later discover that November 22 was also Thanksgiving in the US, so it‚Äôs a speech appropriate to mark such a day - which was, in a sense, an occasion of expressing my thanks and gratitude for the opportunity to live more independently.

*The word "Akwarell" is the Maltese word meaning "water-colour painting".

Nine Haikus in Memory of David

1
The star of David.,
The light of my dead brother
Whom I never knew.

2
It shines still today
During my darkest hours
Bringing back a hope.

3
Not to be afraid
To question what people say,
For life is vanity.

4
Life comes and it goes,
Our bodies deteriorate
And our minds do too.

5
David, where are you?
You died before I could know
What death really meant.

6
I never forgot
You were one day here with us.
But I never knew.

7
I still search for you
In my own ways I still seek you
My unknown brother.

8
Yes, I was too young.
To remember who you were..
Or get to know you

9
Your are the reason
I never stopped asking "Why?".
You're my guiding star.

The Human Connection

I managed to spend last Wednesday resting and dedicating my time thinking about life and how I fit in the world. It was a day of rest but this doesn’t mean that I spent the day doing nothing and lingering in bed. Indeed, when I spent time meditating or paying attention to all I did, I couldn’t help noticing that there were thoughts and feelings that emerged that weren’t so peaceful.

 

While we associate silence with peace and tranquility, a moment of silence can trigger an inner revolt that, at times, can bring to our awareness our best or our worse qualities. At least, this was my experience. It can get uncomfortable when you come face-to-face with all the bad things that seem to rise out of your mind. But, I think, it’s important for us to know that these thoughts that have accumulated inside are there. This prepares us when we are in a position to act.

 

I also realised that only a fool tries to deny his or her humanity. For all that we have accumulated in terms of knowledge and wisdom is inseparable from our being human. Not even hard science, which often claims to be objective, can escape the fact that even science cannot escape what I shall call the “human connection”. After all, we use our senses to interpret the world. Technology has permitted to access realities that we couldn’t access before due to our senses.

 

Technology that enables us to look at or listen to galaxies far away. Technology that enables us to study the microscopic and subatomic. Before, we would never imagined there could exist such realities so immense and so miniscule. Indeed, we would be excused for believing that such things didn’t exist at all. But, inasmuch as we progress in technology or scientific understanding, we remain bound to our humanity. The fact that we cannot escape our material being. The fact that whatever we produce remains limited by our body and mind.

 

Indeed, If you think about it, no area of human endeavour can escape this fact that whatever we have or build arises out of a complex relation between us and the world that is mediated through our body and mind. And, however efficient these might be in making sense of the world, they remain limited. Thus, if we hold on the idea that our reality is the only valid one, we risk misunderstanding what reality is. We fail to acknowledge that our view of the world is but one way of looking at things. However, the greatest danger is that in excluding other points of view, we also forget our basic humanity. And when that happens, we can expect  disaster for all of us.

 

So we create a politics preoccupied with votes and power, a science lacking respect for human dignity, an economy that puts money before ecology, a philosophy that condemns us to nihilism and a religion more preoccupied with rites and rituals than rekindling the human spirit.

 

This is what happens when we close ourselves to a restricted world view and one that denies our basic interdependence. It’s a world that by excluding our human connections to it, slowly conspires for our destruction.

 

Yes, this appears to be a rather gloomy post. However, I am convinced that even the most painful experiences have taught me something about who I am. I try to hold on to my commitment to grow as a human being every day. Yes, it’s sometimes good to stop what you’re doing for a while and really reflect on why you’re doing it. For, otherwise, you would be living without purpose and be unprepared when you are desperately seeking answers. When you’re in much need of hope and direction.

 

And, whoever we are, we need to remember that our life is only possible thanks to the contribution of so many people. I admit that I keep returning to that point. Forgive me for that but the more I think about it, this reality of my  human connection restores my hopes and faith that if we work together for a world that embraces the human spirit, we may be still in time to save lives and, ultimately,  our planet.

A Day of Rest?

First, a haiku:

 

Just a  day of rest

 

I hoped for but never got.

 

Perhaps tomorrow?

 

Now, a few thoughts…

 

I didn’t mean this entry to be long. I am tired and need to rest. Indeed, I’m planning to take time off work tomorrow and forget, for a day, about work or life in general. I plan to rest. I made this promise to myself so many times. But there’s always something that comes up. And I keep  postponing. 

 

In our fast moving world, we often find that we have less time to think and reflect. With all its progress, I find that technology does encourage us to be reactive rather than reflective. Instead of being witness to life, we are becoming passive and impulsive. It’s not all bad but I do feel that people in general are losing touch with the real world but are escaping into their virtual spaces.

 

Since I committed myself to a regular practice of meditation, I feel calmer and more   focused. I regained that childlike fascination with the world I thought I had forever lost. I do still revert   to the “adult mode” at times but I try to be more aware and, restrain myself from cynicism (with varied success). However, I believe that I’ve wasted a lot of my life pursuing that which wasn’t really important. Of course, I don’t expect any radical changes but these, indeed, may take some time.

 

There are so many values that I have claimed to hold true but didn’t entirely live up to. There are valid reasons for that. But you may call them excuses. I have claimed to be honest. to be kind. To be less judgmental. But I did falter over the years. I could blame external factors and, at times, these have been valid reasons for my actions. But we may hold on beliefs and world views that are essentially good and positive but persist in living a life that oftentimes contradicts the core beliefs that we claim to hold. 

 

So we have fundamentalists who restrict their world view to the extent that they and members of their chosen few are living rightly. Of course, I don’t expect you’re a fundamentalist reading this blog. But we do share aspects of fundamentalist belief in our life. We do sometimes hold to a “fundamentalism” based on science, philosophy and ideology. As a consequence,  we close ourselves to our own worlds and to our own values. Good as they may be, any value system that puts itself over all else and which excludes any others indiscriminately can be destructive

 

Nobody can change who we are - even  if they may break our spirits. It takes time and lots of practice but it’s necessary that we take the time to practice. To undertake our commitment to change. To take responsibility over our own lives. I’m not saying that it’s easy or that things will turn out well quickly. Indeed, life might get worse but, at the end of the day, we can be open and active in our pursuit of happiness. This, even to me, would have sounded unrealistic and just talk. But, then, I think it’s worth to try become a better person who lives in the present. One person who hasn’t forgotten to wonder at the world and the universe with child’s eyes that are supported by wisdom that grows from knowledge, experience and reflection.

 

On the end of another day, I am exhausted but at peace as the night approaches and the sky darkens. But, then again, there is the moon and the stars that offer hope that even in our darkest hours, there is still hope - however faint and weak. There is hope that fills our darkest skies  into masterpieces of the cosmos. But, how often, have we stopped and looked at the night sky? With my vision, I admit it’s difficult to make out the stars and perhaps I may catch a glimpse of the moon. But I recall the times in the late hours of the night looking at the night sky in awe. For, I really felt that I was nothing compared to what was out there. That our planet Earth was like a speck of sand lost in a boundless ocean. The memories are still there somewhere. But I am only now that I’m rediscovering the beauty of all that surrounds us. And while there were many nights we try to forget or intoxicate ourselves for the sake of fun and entertainment, we just miss to witness all this.

 

Day by day, I commit myself to grow in awareness. I want to be a more active participant in the world. I want to be more open to others. I will fail. Yet, every step forward is progress. Now it’s really time to sleep.  I will take more  time to rest tomorrow. In fact, I hope to rest for the whole day. Rest is important. If not for anything else, it will give me time to reflect, relax and recharge my mind and body. It’s a day when I hope to get more in touch with the world and to grow in my self-knowledge.

 

A hope…

 

Perhaps tomorrow will really be a day when I rest...

A Witness to the Dark

I’ve been going through a rough time lately as I have to face some health issues again. I’m experiencing this ringing in the ears again. And, now, I’m also having occasional blackouts. There were times when I really feel scared and helpless. I don’t claim that my experience is unique or that my pain is excruciating. But, whenever I am disoriented either by my tinnitus or my temporary blindness, I feel as if I’m alone and helpless. There is, I admit, a degree of physical pain in my experience. But, that’s not the primary cause of my suffering.

Indeed, even if I write this wondering if I’ll have an attack as I try to describe my feelings, I also know that no matter how well I describe my experience, it will remain just words. Yes, words that express a thought, a feeling and a state of mind. But, nevertheless, these words I type are simply a trace… an image… an imitation of an experience. Our memories are so short and fragile. I will probably forget myself what the actual experiences I’m going through were like. I don’t know if all this will ever end in my life. I do feel abandoned when I am vulnerable, when it’s like being in a state of living and non-living.

No light without dark

But, as I read the haiku “In the Dark” I wrote last time, I realise how true it was. In spite of the darkness I feel around me at those times, I know that there’s no darkness without light. Would you know what darkness was if you never experienced it? What you understand what light is if you never experienced darkness.

There’s no hope without despair

The same can be said of the moments of despair that are haunting me. I know that these moments will, one day, end. Even if life may be leading you nowhere, and you are plagued by a sense of hopelessness, there is still some hope. There’s no hope without despair. I know that these hard times I struggle with are the source of much doubt and resignation. But, as I am reminded of the buddhist idea of impermanence, I am reassured by the fact that there will be one day when this will end. As light cannot exist without darkness, so there can be no hope if there is no despair. If our life was devoid of any suffering, then there would be no reason to hope in a better tomorrow. It wouldn’t really a human existence at all.

No life without death

Finally, I do wonder whether I will survive to see a tomorrow. I have wondered about death since I was young. I may sound strange but I was always aware of my own mortality but I knew it had to happen one day. As death had taken one of my brothers away, it could take me at any point. Yes, I was scared but if this was a state similar to sleep, I wouldn’t mind that much. For who are we really in a dreamless night? And while our death may be a sad and tragic event for those who love us and, as we live, we probably dread the prospect of dying, it’s inevitable. But, like light and darkness, hope and despair, there can be no life without death.

Concluding Reflection

This is the cycle of existence. The nature of life. Things can only exist in relation to other things. There is nothing intrinsically bad about darkness, despair and death. They’re part of our experience. We suffer because we cling to the what makes us comfortable and what makes us feel safe. However, my experiences of life has taught me that I don’t have to worry too much about tomorrow. It’s good to plan ahead and live for a purpose. Yet, ultimately, we have to accept that we should appreciate moments of darkness as much as those of light, times we feel desperate as much as we hope for a better future and appreciate our life as we are aware of the impermanence of life and the inevitability of death.

An End?

With this I end this reflection. Still, as I end this post. But is it really an end? Isn’t darkness an opportunity to search for the light? Isn’t darkness an opportunity to rest and sleep? Isn’t despair a chance to discover yourself? Isn’ despair an invitation to hope? 

And isn’t the awareness of  of death, a reason to celebrate this life? To appreciate life with all that it brings? Isn’t an awareness of death a call to appreciate the today, to rejoice in the now? And, isn’t death not just a loss but also a hope for the renewal of life. Isn’t death giving a new life to start?

An end is also a beginning. Every beginning will one day end.

Life  is not good or bad. 

Life is simply what it is.

Reflections on a Waning Flame

It’s already 2 days since the world has celebrated Christmas. It’s also a few days to the festivities related to the new year. This year will be a year that some of us have heard before given its association with the Mayan prophecy foretelling a radical change in human history that should take place by the end of December 2012. There have been mixed reactions with the interpretations of this rediscovered Mayan prophecy based on the ancient Mayan calendar. But, in truth, we didn’t need a prophecy to come to the conclusion that our world and universe will not last forever. Yet, our fear and attachment to the material world is triggered whenever we sense a threat to our existence. It is a natural and human response.

I know this is a season when we should celebrate a rebirth. Whether it’s a Christian reading of a child who came here to spread the good news that there is hope or, else, take on such a theme in a context of more secular context. Although there are important differences between the religious and secular readings of Christmas, this season has been interpreted as an occasion of renewal and change, reconciliation and communion. Unfortunately, the motivations behind our actions during this season have been sometimes less than positive or peaceful - especially when religion, on the one hand, becomes a weapon onf control and submission and hate of religion becomes a new form of repressing the human need for spiritual fulfilment. It is sad but true that we tend to impose our world view on others because we are convinced that we are right and correct in the way we view the world and reality.

However, the experiences and reflections that have been the focus of my thoughts have opened to me a new reality. In the process, only recently I discover how much more there is still much more to learn. As I add entries to this blog exploring the nature of reality, I am constantly learning about the world and reality and am increasingly realising that I’ve still got much more to share over the next year. And whether December 2012 will be the end of the world, I feel there is a profound and important truth that I have to discover in order to put my mind at rest. For as I come face-to-face with parts of who I am which are difficult or uncomfortable to deal with, I understand that by escaping from them or avoiding them, I will not grow in my understanding of reality and of human experience.

I return to the title of this post and reflect on the dwindling flame on our home gas heater. As the flame slowly dies out, its heat eventually diminishes to the point when I can still the coldness that was in the room. While I start feeling cold again, I also become aware of the cold air that had been surrounding me all this time. With a certain sadness, I realise that eventually this is the future of all there is. An eventual decline of matter. A progressive stasis and immobility of all things that we know of. And yet, there is a strange hope that emerges out of this seeming despair. The possibility of change. But, what is different here, is that to bring about change, we are required to pay attention to he reality around s and be prepared to transcend our preconceptions about the world.

Mind Quakes

My life hasn’t been going that well lately. I admit that all of a sudden life became rather insignificant and too much. I have developed a painful ringing of the ears since I fell. I’m not sure if this episode of a phenomenon called “tinnitus”“ was in any way related to my fall. But, nonetheless, the moments when I feel sick and everything seems to be moving around me. As if I was falling and losing balance is a nightmare. Add to that, a cruel ringing in the ears where you can sometimes hear your heart beating or your teeth rubbing against each other. Believe me, I am still afraid of the moment an attack might strike. Unfortunately, I have been staying at home for some weeks now, first because of my injury and now because of this.

It’s only recently that I am starting to dedicate my time to other things apart from resting. I did start short time in silence, wondering what has happened. It’s always more than the fall or the tinnitus. I don’t know the answers but there is a sense of inadequacy and of not fitting in attached to all this. There is no denying that physical factors are present but they exist only in relation to a much complex reality that we often are unaware of or simply avoid dealing with. This experience has enforced my understanding of impermanence and how I can’t afford to put my faith in what I know will not last forever. I believe that plans are, of course, important and essential to live in our world. However, as a Yiddish proverb goes, “Man makes plans and God laughs!”, We can only goes so far as planning for the future but, ultimately, we must be prepared.

I have been reminded once again that nothing lasts forever. My fears and darkness that lingers on in my life right now will cease as it has come. Luckily, I won’t fall again in the process. But, seriously, inasmuch as these are words to encourage myself to go on and hope, they are a clear message that is intended for all those who are currently facing a difficult situation. Those for whom life appears to be a meaningless routine that is more of a dread as each day passes. Yes, I know what it means to feel like living for nothing, of going on without a sense of purpose and direction. Indeed, I am still there in a way. But I am choosing to move on. To believe that you can take charge of your self may be deemed delusional or impossible. Yes, it looks that way but the only delusion is believing that you can live without others, that you can overcome the process of life without pain and suffering.

Inasmuch as I cannot escape the fact of biology, I can and will do my best to address the pains caused by thought processes that are destructive and harmful. Instead, while it appears of little significance, I must remember that even if sometimes it appears that I’m living for nothing, the fact that I am still breathing is in itself a miracle of sorts. It is up to me to make the best of it. Even when the mind quakes.

Learning from Childhood

When I watch world news, I am often left speechless. There appears to be so much trouble and conflict in the world. People fighting, people being killed. People seeking a better life, people crushed by their oppressive leaders. People facing natural disasters, people polluting the world and increasing global warming. We're all familiar with the stories that are reported everyday in our homes, on our mobile phones, and on the Internet.

I wonder about the state of the world. How things have changed since I was younger and everything was so simple. I was idealistic then, believing that there could be world peace. Believing that somehow there was a solution to every problem in the world. But, now, I really don't know any more whether the adult world was as great as I thought it would be. I ask myself, where are the choices and freedom I thought I would have. Where is the liberty to do what I put my mind to do? Has all this been a false idea that I adopted on seeing how adults appeared to get their own way and, who ultimately, wanted to be right even when they were not.

However, it's a fact that children are the ones who suffer the consequences of our adult actions when there are conflicts, wars and other crisis. We involve children in our matters even if they have not chosen to take part. We involve children in issues that they don't understand or are explained. We involve children because we assume that their opinions do not matter. We forget that we were children once ourselves. I don't know why I chose to look at the global situation with a focus on children.

It could be because that, during one of my meditations, I was taken back to a dream I had as a child. That of a world where it didn't matter who you were and how you looked, you were part of something bigger. In harmony with nature that we're now losing. And, while this vision was idealistic and somewhat naive, I do wish thad the walls that separate us between one and another are broken down. However, these walls don't exist in the real world but in our mind which means that we must be the ones to bring them down. To quote Gandhi: "We must be the change we want to see in the world".