Mind Quakes

My life hasn’t been going that well lately. I admit that all of a sudden life became rather insignificant and too much. I have developed a painful ringing of the ears since I fell. I’m not sure if this episode of a phenomenon called “tinnitus”“ was in any way related to my fall. But, nonetheless, the moments when I feel sick and everything seems to be moving around me. As if I was falling and losing balance is a nightmare. Add to that, a cruel ringing in the ears where you can sometimes hear your heart beating or your teeth rubbing against each other. Believe me, I am still afraid of the moment an attack might strike. Unfortunately, I have been staying at home for some weeks now, first because of my injury and now because of this.

It’s only recently that I am starting to dedicate my time to other things apart from resting. I did start short time in silence, wondering what has happened. It’s always more than the fall or the tinnitus. I don’t know the answers but there is a sense of inadequacy and of not fitting in attached to all this. There is no denying that physical factors are present but they exist only in relation to a much complex reality that we often are unaware of or simply avoid dealing with. This experience has enforced my understanding of impermanence and how I can’t afford to put my faith in what I know will not last forever. I believe that plans are, of course, important and essential to live in our world. However, as a Yiddish proverb goes, “Man makes plans and God laughs!”, We can only goes so far as planning for the future but, ultimately, we must be prepared.

I have been reminded once again that nothing lasts forever. My fears and darkness that lingers on in my life right now will cease as it has come. Luckily, I won’t fall again in the process. But, seriously, inasmuch as these are words to encourage myself to go on and hope, they are a clear message that is intended for all those who are currently facing a difficult situation. Those for whom life appears to be a meaningless routine that is more of a dread as each day passes. Yes, I know what it means to feel like living for nothing, of going on without a sense of purpose and direction. Indeed, I am still there in a way. But I am choosing to move on. To believe that you can take charge of your self may be deemed delusional or impossible. Yes, it looks that way but the only delusion is believing that you can live without others, that you can overcome the process of life without pain and suffering.

Inasmuch as I cannot escape the fact of biology, I can and will do my best to address the pains caused by thought processes that are destructive and harmful. Instead, while it appears of little significance, I must remember that even if sometimes it appears that I’m living for nothing, the fact that I am still breathing is in itself a miracle of sorts. It is up to me to make the best of it. Even when the mind quakes.