The Day of Reflection

To begin….

Over here in Malta, we’ll be having the elections tomorrow - the 9th March 2013. An event that normally happens every five years. It’s a time when we will have a chance to have a say in the running of our country. Yet, we often take the democratic process we have today too much. For granted. We don’t realise that the vote and the democratic process may be the best form of political system we have. And, even then, we may not know that the democracy we have today isn’t like that of ancient Greece, were only the rich and privileged had a vote. Or, the ‘democracy’ were only men of a certain class were allowed to vote while more than half of the population, women, were excluded. Their vote didn’t count.

Today was also a day of reflection. A day when all political expression in the media or for public consumption is, technically, illegal. But, how many of us actually appreciate the right to vote we have in our democracies? How much do politicians are really interested in the betterment of society, or are they more interested in gaining our vote for the sake of power? I will not be tackling the second question because I leave it to you to judge on your own the political merits of respective candidates. However, before this day is over, I wanted to share a few thoughts and reflections, together from some quotes which have helped me believe that, while I’m still denied the right to vote in secret, I have the right to vote. And, while alone I will not bring about a revolution, I can make a difference. But I cannot make that difference on my own.

Questions, Quotes, etc.

Do I really appreciate the right I have to vote?

Do I believe that I can express my anger and frustration by simply voting because of personal interests or motivations?

Can I afford NOT to vote and forfeit my right to vote?

But, then, is the vote just a right or a duty I have to my society?

Would I, by wasting or abusing my right to vote also going against what I believe in?

“It is the duty of every citizen according to his best capacities to give validity to his convictions in political affairs.”  Albert Einstein

What about truth?

Have I really thought over my decision in voting?

Did what I heard in political speeches and debates faithful to the truth?


M I ready to follow a leader just because I have learned not to question?

Does the leader talk a lot about himself and not about how he’ll make our society better?

Have I bothered to go beyond what parties are telling me and dared to ask the right questions?

Am I following the party just because I feel a sense of belonging or because I sincerely think that the party is in tune with the values it purports to hold?

Do I honestly believe that as long as I’m comfortable after the elections,I don’t care about the rest?

Aren’t we all dependent on each other in our society? Or in our lives?

Aren’t other people’s losses but my own?

Am I prepared to do the right thing, even if it might hurt at first?

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

How?

how did the respective parties tackled issues facing minorities or excluded groups?

How did they deal with people of different opinions, faith or belief?

Do they believe that the majority should decide on human rights and that human beings don’t have a right to dignity and respect they deserve without needing to justify their life?

Finally...

Has the political rhetoric intoxicate our minds and hearts as to forget that we share a common humanity and inasmuch as we hold our political beliefs, we remain subject to the same pains and pleasures this life has to offer.

We live in a society made up of individuals. Yet neither can society impose itself on the individual nor the individual can exist without a society. That’s why I chose to right this entry on this day of reflection. Not because I’m not a bit anxious about voting tomorrow and its possible aftermath. But I wanted to reassure myself that whatever I vote tomorrow, I hope to vote with a clear mind and be true to my beliefs and convictions.

I may be unhappy with the result if it doesn’t follow on my choices. But, if anything, I will sleep on Saturday night with a peaceful conscience because I know that I did what I could. I was true to my own self.

Nobody knows what the future will be like. Perhaps I’ll discover that there open new possibilities that I was never aware of. The truth I believe in fills me with the will to live on. I want a society that is equal, just and more compassionate. I can’t expect that all all these aspirations will be achieved if I don’t play my part. However, I cannot deny that Malta has progressed a lot in all these areas. Granted, there’s still things to be done. But, come what may, we all need to continue working together. I end this entry by another two quotes that helped me to restore a certain hope in the future ahead. As for me, there’s not much to add. Just to remember to vote with a clear mind and a compassionate heart.

And remember:

“whether your cause has many or few adherents, truth will still prevail.” HH the 14th Dalai Lama

Or, if you feel you have failed in your cause, remember the words of Gandhi:

“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.” Mohandas K.  Gandhi

The Unrreality of Time

Today, I wanted to share some reflections on time. I noticed that my preoccupation with time started from a young age. While human beings appear to value time and even obsessed about rituals centred on time, keeping track of time had practical applications.

Indeed, time keeping was essential for agriculture, navigation and early astronomy. The significance of time is also evidenced by the fact that is also a concern of religion. In this sense, the fact that we defined time also suggests that we might have been trying to get to terms with death and the inevitability of impermanence. In fact, it may be argued that world religions which believe are a source of hope in n after-life.

All humans in general, fear death and do their utmost to avoid talking about death. While belief in a better after-life may some individuals to go on living, the danger is when people in an attempt to escape from dealing with their impermanence, go on believing that they will not die or that their truth is the only valid truth.

Consequently, instead of using their life to help others, they fixate on saving the world and divide themselves on the basis of faith. However, our thoughts are often caught in an illusion called time.

For time itself, is not real. Our experience of life stretches to a number of about more than a 100 years. While we might now that there are beings that are still living for thousands of years, we just cannot relate to such long lifetimes.

Similarly, we can't ignore that our perception of time depends other factors such as awareness of movement and space and conscious awareness. So while time is a useful concept, it doesn't exist in its own right!

Tomorrow ... It's the 6th July? So, It's HH 14th Dalai Lama's 77th birthdy!!!

Tomorrow,the 6th July 2012, his Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama celebrates his 77th birthday. I have written an entry one year ago on that date, which I encourage you to read as well. In the post, simply entitled, “Celebrating  HH the 14th Dalai Lama's 76th Birthday”, I shared my experiences during my early readings of some of his works and the impressions of him as I watched YouTube videos where he talks. 

Since that time, I have continued to cultivate my practice and to grow in mindfulness and compassion. Over these months, I have read and listened to books, podcasts and talks on the teachings of Buddha (or dharma talks). I continue to learn and explore what it means to be a human being and have discovered a profound value in life that transcends all the attachments and limitations that we often choose to impose onto ourselves and on others. This, I learned is the real source of y suffering, or in Pali, ‘dukkha’.

I don’t feel that I have to convince you or anyone that the path I chose to go deeper into Buddhism is the right way for all. In fact, one thing that I always admired in HH the Dalai Lama was his appeal to first follow the spiritual tradition of your family and, then, if necessary, follow another path and not necessarily the Buddhist way either. I find myself now in a position when I can say, I have found meaning and peace in Buddhism.

And, here, I don’t mean that I have espoused the teaching and dogma of the religion such as the hierarchy of the many gods that can be found in the religious tradition. Indeed, unlike other faith traditions, God or any notions of a god are, somehow, irrelevant as we have the ultimate responsibility over our actions and on our happiness. Still, it would be unfair to call Buddhism as ‘atheistic’ but, rather, as ‘non-theistic’. 

I think that Buddhism did make me reconsider the representation of God or what God is or whether such a creator exists or not. I believe today that if we really wish to find God, God is to be found in the experience of life, in others and in ourselves. But, another thing I have learned through my readings of the Dalai Lama, is that often we become attached too much on ideas about who we are and giving undue importance to the things we have or the status and reputation we have gained in society rather than recognise how really temporary all these things are. 

How, we fail, many times to appreciate the life we’ve got, the life we have been given, the little time we have on this world. We fail to appreciate all the world, all the people and all the gifts we have that enable us to live another day. I, myself, have much to learn. 

As I prepare to welcome a new night and await another morning, I think about many things. I reflect about my life and how, even these hard times, I continue hoping in tomorrow. Not that I don’t get angry or sad, but putting things into perspective, I find refuge in the fact that nothing is permanent and, even if my life would end tomorrow, I did my best to be authentic and true to who I am.

For, as I spent time growing in my self-discovery, the more I realise how much this life is precious and how much more I’m limited and dependant. I smile as I remember HH Dalai Lama’s candid laugh and calm words. Words uttered without pretension or arrogance. Words spoken in the language of love and genuine compassion.

Happy birthday, Your Holiness!!!

Faith or Reason?

I am painfully aware of a growing division between the secular and the religious. Or, at least, between proponents who have chosen to adopt an extreme view of what they understand to be ‘secular’ or what they understand as being central to the ‘religious’. I think that it’s unfortunate to be witness to such a conflict. Indeed, as a child, I was inspired by people who came from both camps of faith and reason. I admired people ranging from Albert Einstein, Carl Jung and Isaac Newton to religious leaders such as Jesus Christ, Mahatma Gandhi and Lord Buddha.

However, this is not saying that I was an atypical boy. Indeed, in many ways, I obeyed convention. I tried to follow the precepts of Roman Catholicism and received the sacraments with a certain enthusiasm. I was deeply religious in many ways as a boy and was sincerely interested in living up to what I was taught was good and comply to the commandments, which I was told, would lead me to heaven. But, even as a child, I had many questions. I knew that I was physically different and this meant that I was also perceived differently than others. I was aware of death and the reality of impermanence when I was aware that one of my brothers had died when I was just a baby.

I sought answers in scripture and from reading books on science. I loved to learn about both science and religion. There were times when I rejected religion considerably and when I adopted a more rational and scientific view of the world. Eventually, I would take up a more political or ideological approach. I explored philosophy, psychology and language to understand the world. I have tried to answer the questions that plagued me. I was torn between a rationality that denied the value of faith and a faith that condemned doubt or asking questions.

I felt I had to choose what the truth was. I felt I had to choose between faith and reason. But were my conceptions of faith and reason correct? Was there a point where they could meet?

I don’t wish to oversimplify rationality or religiosity but I can speak about my own experience. For, it’s only our own experiences and understanding of what has been handed us that we can truly claim to have access to.

I find great value in spirituality and religious principles. Yet, I know that scripture was never meant to explain everything about matter.
I find a lot of knowledge and purpose in scientific rationality but I also know that even there we are limited. We cannot truly separate ourselves from the reality we are observing. We are bound, inevitably, to our own preconceptions and world view. Even in the hard sciences, we cannot truly separate ourselves from what we are trying to study. In order to measure matter, we remain dependent on our senses. Even the tools we use ultimately depend on our senses.

The truth of the matter - or at least, my limited current understanding - is that a question that expects us to decide whether we should prefer reason rather than faith or vice versa is a wrong question. For, in reality, our humanity places us in a position where we have to acknowledge our limits.

It is impossible to know all the answers to the questions of life. It’s impossible to claim we know everything about the cosmos. As long as we are part of the cosmos we remain confined to the cosmos as living beings. Our material bodies impose limits. But, yet, we can conceive things we haven’t seen ourselves. We can imagine things that aren’t real. We can be rational or superstitious. We believe we have a certain degree of choice. But, do we really?

For, at the end of all things, I can’t help being struck by a sense of awe and wonder by the very fact that the neurones firing up in my brain right now are permitting me to type this entry. Where are my thoughts when I perform these acts? Do they have a physical basis? Maybe they do and we might find the biological basis one day. But, even then, would we find the thoughts and emotions that were going on in my mind?

I don’t presume to offer secularists or religious people who hold extreme positions on matters of faith and reason. I can only appeal to those who sincerely seek to find truth to remain open to the possibility of dialogue. To be open to the other, however irrational or irreverent one may appear, because none of us can claim to have all the answers. I wish to end this lengthy entry with just a quote and a few paragraphs.

Let me start with a quote. It’s by Albert Einstein, a character I greatly admired as a child and who remains an influence today. Einstein once wrote:

"Science without religion is lame,
Religion without science is blind.”

I admit that it’s perhaps ironic for me to choose this quote I encountered as a child because, apart from the physical impairment that I was ascribed as a child, now I have also acquired a visual impairment. Moreover, it’s perhaps more ironic since this quote has been abused and misappropriated by people holding a radical secular and fundamentalist religious views alike. But, whatever your interpretation, it would be a mistake if we didn’t try to first get to know who Einstein was and what he stood for.

In this sense, Einstein has entered the popular imagination and has often acquired many stereotypes. He has been defined as a Jew who was an atheist, a scientist and, ironically, he has also been put across as a deeply religious person with his famous quote: “God doesn’t play dice with the universe” interpreted out of its proper context or when Einstein was finding it difficult to accept the randomness of the subatomic world where the laws of physics appeared to break down.

But, yet again, Einstein’s ‘God’ is neither the Jewish nor the Christian one. Rather, he was probably upset by the fact that there were things that couldn’t be explained by the science of his time. I can identify with Einstein’s feeling of not knowing. As I got to know more about this man, something else strengthened my admiration for the man. You see, while Einstein did admit that religion could be a form of ‘childhood superstition’, he did not totally reject the human value found in religion. He was defined as being a scientist but little people know he also played the violin with artistic passion..

Unfortunately, many of us see him from a limited perspective. You must read about the man before you can truly begin to understand. But, even then, you will never know who he was - even if there was the possibility of meeting him face-to-face in this lifetime. There are limits to knowledge that are part of our experiences of being human. It’s the same if we consider the debate between the secular and the religious, the sceptic and the faithful.

We may think we can find all the answers in science. On the other hand, we may lay our complete trust in faith. Yet, whatever we choose, I think that we can neither find all the answers in science nor in religion. For, reason and faith are essential for our very being.

I admit that I, myself, have taken up various identities over this short lifetime. I aspired to be a scientist. I am spiritual and can also be rational. I feel, I think and I believe. I hope, I despair and feel sadness and joy. I am disabled and I am impaired. I am a lot of things. I am nothing compared to the immensity of the universe. I know but I don’t really know.

I remain beyond the restrictions of a ‘lame’ rationality and ‘blind’ faith. I can’t keep away from the everyday reality of life but, whatever I think or believe, I still depend on matter to live. I am, at the same time, apart from the universe and, paradoxically, a part of it!

I can’t provide you with any certain answer to the question of why there is pain and suffering in our life. I can’t even assure myself there is such a place as the after-life. I can’t even prove or disprove the existence of a god I cannot see or measure.
I only know that I am human. I only know that there is very little I really know - if that can count as knowledge. I believe that I’m writing this - even if I can’t measure or prove the existence of my thoughts.

We don’t even have to choose between faith and reason. For life cannot be neatly fitted into either extreme views of reality. Indeed, those who think so may be deluded.

For how can I ever truly separate what I believe to be real from what I think is real when these are intrinsically linked together?

For I can say that I ‘have faith’ in the laws of physics. But, then, if I look at the quantum world, all my theories break down. For the very fact that I need light to study light means that as observer I cannot be independent from the observed.

I must be humble enough to accept my limitations. As a human being.

I must seek value in everything that makes our lives as human beings better and richer.

I need to pay more attention to the present.

To the now!

Even if such a realisation is uncomfortable or even painful.

For the future is just a promise and not a guarantee.

It resides beyond faith and cannot be explained through reason alone.

This is our human condition.

A Balder Kind of Me

This is me following my haircut! 

Yesterday, I decided to cut off all of my hair. I don’t have any particular reason for doing that - apart from the fact that I’m already feeling the heat of summer and I was long due for a hair cut. On another level, I wanted to see how much having no hair - even if for a short time - would affect my self-image and the ways other people related to me. I also wanted to take this step, perhaps, to make a some kind of statement.

We may take hair for granted and don’t realise how much it can have an impact on the way others look at and relate to us. Besides our voices, the face and hair mark us apart from other people - provided they can see or her that is. But then, who we are beyond the senses? This is an important question but it’s beyond the scope of this entry to ask that question here but, hopefully, I’ll deal with that issue in other future posts.

But, yes, having my hair shaven off still compelled jokingly suggest that I had escaped from prison or became a Buddhist monk. I was complimented by most but, I admit, there was a kind of change in the way I felt when I presented my baldy self beyond the safety of the home. In a way, I am changed and, even if it’s not true that I escaped from prison or adopted the vows of a Buddhist monk, I have, in a sense, escaped from prison and have embraced many of the Buddhist precepts and am trying to practice them in the real world.

It may be true that hair is just part of our bodies. But, in time, you realise that human beings have used to express more than a fashion statement but used to express something about who they were. I did make a brief search of the Bible because I still like to explore what my original religious roots can teach me about life. Many times, it helps complement my growing understanding of Buddhism. Well, I was surprised how hair had a religious significance in Judaism and Christianity.

Indeed, even if whether having long or short hair is preferred is unclear, hair does feature in many important Bible accounts.. Indeed, the Bible search came up with 99 references to “hair” with a significant number only referring to “goat hair”. But, apart from that, hair and the cleanliness of the body are closely related. Indeed, Leviticus praises men who have a bald and clean head. On the other hand, it was disgraceful and even unholy for a woman to wear short hair. Well, this difference is again repeated in Corinthians.

However, it would be a mistake if one took the statements of the Bible out of socio-historical context. Indeed, health concerns in the Old Testament and also cultural tradition in the New have played an important role in establishing such conclusion. It is also worth mentioning that it was reported in the Bible that particular groups of Israelites, such as the Nazarenes, kept their hair long as a sign of devotion and also shaved it off later on it seems.

Hair represents strength and masculinity in the story of the then strong Samson who was betrayed by Delilah and, who ultimately, sacrificed himself and regained enough strength to regain justice. Hair is also that which is used to dry up Jesus’ feet when he visited a friend. Here, again, hair can be seen as a sign of humility and devotion. 

Today, with a powerful hair style industry, we wouldn’t dream of using our hair to dry up the feet of someone we adored - not even if we believed he or she was divine. Indeed, with all the promotion for hair growth treatment and our preoccupation with physical appearance, I wonder whether we’re really dealing with the inner part of us.

If I were to look at what Buddhism says about hair, I know that Buddhist monks keep their hair shaven to express their devotion to the teachings or teachings of the Buddha. This is because, for many, our hair at times gets more attention than it might deserve and we may grow too attached or obsessed with caring for it in case it starts falling out. 

Indeed, hair says many things by just standing there on our heads. Whether it’s a punk fan, a heavy metal fan, a man or woman, a Hassidic Jew, a skinhead, a convict, a person who has cancer or a Buddhist monk or we’re just getting old, our hair can tell without telling. But, whatever the length of your hair is or whether you have hair at all, I think that only thing matters.

Who you are inside is what really  matters..

Nothing else matters.

    

Any comments or feedback on this post?

Send me an e-mail!

A Meditation around a Burning Fire

Today, I took a day off work and had the chance to eat a proper meal with part of my family. Fish was being served. During a discussion that arose during lunch time, a point was raised about fish. And how cats didn’t need the fish to be cooked in order to eat it. I know it doesn’t sound like a profound question for meditation. But, then, I started thinking… and thinking…

A question appeared following this daytime reflection. Why did we need to cook our food to eat it? Cats and other creatures didn’t complain of eating raw meat and all that, did they? There are, of course, plenty of good reasons against eating raw food, especially meat or certain seafood. Apart from protecting us against potential illnesses or diseases which may result from eating raw food, I don’t think we can’t eat really consume raw food - even if I don’t recommend. it!

Yet, a difference we have in consuming certain food is that, with the exception of fruit and vegetables (for example), someone discovered that cooked food tasted better. However, what was the discovery that, I dare say, would revolutionise our entire species? It was, indeed, the discovery of fire. Or, to be more accurate, the ability to use fire in a way that favoured our survival. It made it possible, thanks to fire, not just to eat delicious barbecues, but it enabled us to keep warm during the winter months.

Fire also protected us against potential predators and was the central focus of our early societies. Even the word “focus” has a relation to the Romantic root as you find that the Italian word for fire is “fuoco”. So, apart from being a source of warmth and safety, a place around a fire gave our ancestors a sense of community, a sense of identity and a sense of belonging. No wonder, perhaps, it has gained a deep spiritual significance.

There are, of course, an exhaustive references made to fire in Christianity and Judaism. Fire is the symbol of purification, of pure being. It is central to a God who manifest the nature of God in the tautological assertion “I am what I am!” To Moses through a burning bush that didn’t burn or its symbolic representation of the Holy Spirit. Its light is the central reference in single-pointed Buddhist meditation practice.

Sadly, we have also put fire to a bad use as well. The flame-thrower in recent history. The many Europeans burned at the stake by fellow Europeans. The many cities and cultures destroyed and ravished by their enemies indiscriminately burning down buildings to impose their superiority. These, and many tragedies that human beings have inflicted on other human beings. For what? Then we’re ready to judge nature when a forest burns and people are killed. But then, did we forget.

It’s not fire itself that is the problem. Rather, it may be the phenomenon that has made our life possible. Fire and heat still generates our life. It provides enough energy to boil the water for our power stations. It’s fascinating that fire can do so much. Perhaps it has been indirectly responsible in the changes that have happened in our brain and, even more speculatively, may be indeed the light that sparked our self-awareness! Yes, the relation between human beings and fire is complex indeed and it would be unrealistic for me to cover this vast subject here.

But what is fire? It may be a bunch of over-excited atoms giving off energy in the form of heat. Indeed, it may be real and measurable. But now it’s there an then is no more. In this it reflects our beings. Constantly changing depending on various causes and conditions. It does, in a sense, die. And yet, when it’s gone it’s as if it has never been there. It might leave a trace. But it’s not there. It’s present because we can see it or feel it. But it’s also not really there if we didn’t sense it.

And, this brings me to an end of sorts. For we know of fire because we might have directly experienced its potential to comfort us or its potential to destroy through our senses. But, how do we know, that our senses can account for a universe we hardly understand? What, indeed, is out there that we might not even have the faculties to relate to?

Can we persist in claiming we have found all the answers, when we might have not understand the mystery contained in a burning flame?

In Praise of Practice

I’ve progressed a lot since I started my journey into Buddhism. Yes, I 

learned a lot over these months. At the same time, the more I learn about Buddhism, the greater I realise how much I have to learn. Even if I feel genuinely connected to the practices of Buddhism such as meditation and mindfulness, I still make mistakes. 

 

However, I can’t be unrealistic and expect to be perfect in my practice. As long as I’m still alive, I will falter one time and more. In fact, I will probably keep committing mistakes as long as I live. Yet, I have embraced the Buddhist point of view because it resonates with me on a deeper level. I really can’t really explain this but I rejoice in discovering Buddhist philosophy.

 

To be completely honest, I was always interested in learning more about science and religion when I was a young boy. I also felt there was something more in life than just the material existence. And, being ascribed a physical impairment and, later, learning of my dead brother did help me reflect on my own mortality and impermanence  of life.

 

  In addition, back then, I had a passion for astronomy. I felt humbled and somehow saddened by the thought that we were the only ones who inhabited this vast universe. At least, that’s what I was expected to believe. But, still, I doubted this was really true but sounded rather arrogant and an anthropocentric (human-centred) view. Of course, I would not know what that word really meant at such a young age.

 

My life, I guess, was one characterised by the need to know and a need to understand. I had the opportunity to travel a lot with my family when I was a child. It was then I first encountered different cultures and people having a different faith than the one I was brought up in (Roman Catholicism). I realised that I was no that different from these people but somehow persisted to think of myself as better than they were.

 

But when I gained more experiences of the real world, I became painfully aware that because of my impairment, people did judge me before they got to know me. Yes, it was an unpleasant experience but it did help me look beyond the prejudices and assumptions people made about those who were different than them.

 

How does my Buddhist practice have to do with all this?

 

The truth of the matter is that thanks to a daily practice of meditation and mindfulness, I feel connected to my origins - to my authentic being. I try to be more careful on how I relate with others and more aware of my thoughts and actions. I realise that if I claim to believe that I should practice compassion, my commitment should be reflected in my actions as well.

 

For, holding on to principles without putting them into practice is pointless and a betrayal of our authentic being. In short, principles without practice are just not enough! 

 

I close this post with a quote from the HH the 14th Dalai Lama, which I have come to cherish when I read it for the first time:

 

“If you want to be happy- practice compassion,

If you want others to be happy - practice compassion.”

HH The 14th Dalai Lama (b. 1935) 

Reflections on a Waning Flame

It’s already 2 days since the world has celebrated Christmas. It’s also a few days to the festivities related to the new year. This year will be a year that some of us have heard before given its association with the Mayan prophecy foretelling a radical change in human history that should take place by the end of December 2012. There have been mixed reactions with the interpretations of this rediscovered Mayan prophecy based on the ancient Mayan calendar. But, in truth, we didn’t need a prophecy to come to the conclusion that our world and universe will not last forever. Yet, our fear and attachment to the material world is triggered whenever we sense a threat to our existence. It is a natural and human response.

I know this is a season when we should celebrate a rebirth. Whether it’s a Christian reading of a child who came here to spread the good news that there is hope or, else, take on such a theme in a context of more secular context. Although there are important differences between the religious and secular readings of Christmas, this season has been interpreted as an occasion of renewal and change, reconciliation and communion. Unfortunately, the motivations behind our actions during this season have been sometimes less than positive or peaceful - especially when religion, on the one hand, becomes a weapon onf control and submission and hate of religion becomes a new form of repressing the human need for spiritual fulfilment. It is sad but true that we tend to impose our world view on others because we are convinced that we are right and correct in the way we view the world and reality.

However, the experiences and reflections that have been the focus of my thoughts have opened to me a new reality. In the process, only recently I discover how much more there is still much more to learn. As I add entries to this blog exploring the nature of reality, I am constantly learning about the world and reality and am increasingly realising that I’ve still got much more to share over the next year. And whether December 2012 will be the end of the world, I feel there is a profound and important truth that I have to discover in order to put my mind at rest. For as I come face-to-face with parts of who I am which are difficult or uncomfortable to deal with, I understand that by escaping from them or avoiding them, I will not grow in my understanding of reality and of human experience.

I return to the title of this post and reflect on the dwindling flame on our home gas heater. As the flame slowly dies out, its heat eventually diminishes to the point when I can still the coldness that was in the room. While I start feeling cold again, I also become aware of the cold air that had been surrounding me all this time. With a certain sadness, I realise that eventually this is the future of all there is. An eventual decline of matter. A progressive stasis and immobility of all things that we know of. And yet, there is a strange hope that emerges out of this seeming despair. The possibility of change. But, what is different here, is that to bring about change, we are required to pay attention to he reality around s and be prepared to transcend our preconceptions about the world.

Our Lives: Past, Present and Future

I've come a long way since I started my investigation into the meaning of life. My attempt to understand the nature of my reality. The reason for being. Indeed, I've changed a lot as I ask questions about what is happening around me: in my personal life, in my local community and within the global family. I have found a few answers and I still got many other queries that remain unresolved.

Undertaking this journey leaves you feeling rather lonely. However, paradoxically, it can leave you more connected to the world like never before. I have been helped immensely by my exploration of Buddhist thought. In fact, as I delve deeper in my understanding, I have discovered peace and happiness that I have never experienced - except in those rare occasions. I  bust admit that I had an early interst in the Buddhist tradition but was perhaps too afraid to develop this interest. That is, until  today.

Don't get me wrong. The path I chose to take is a personal choice. It isn't for everyone but the more I learn about the philosophy behind the Buddhist practice of contemplative meditation, the more I am convinced that I am getting somewhere. I still have a lot of respect for Christianity as I was brought up in this tradition. Indeed, my desire to pursue an alternative way of looking at life and living doesn't diminish my respect for the value of my past teaching. In fact, as I discover facts about Buddhism, I can't help notice significant par allels between Christian morality and Buddhist morality.

At the same time, I find that the Buddhist way of thought and analysis works for me. I have also gained a lot from my daily practice of meditation. I am finding new ways of looking at the world. I feel, for the first time, that there is something unique and precious in this life that I've taken for granted. I am sincerely grateful when I wake up in the morning - usually to start the day with a few minutes meditating about what I dreamt, the feelings I had on opening my eyes and thoughts about the day ahead.

I don't want you to think that there aren't moments when I'm sad, angry or anxious - for example. The fact that these and other emotions are part of our life. We can't help feeling angry if we feel cheated, or sad if we got bad news about a friend, or even if someone passed an unkind remark. But, if we are mindful enough of our thoughts and feelings, we can change the way we relate to ourselves and, by extension, how we relate to others.

At the end of it all, our emotions come and go. That is the nature of life - the essence of reality. The impermanence of things. And as our emotions rise and fall in our consciousness, so will our bodies one day perish. But, then, what comes next is anyone's guess. It's good to have faith in a world beyond but it's equally important to cultivate happiness now and today. Not just for your own sake but for the benefit of the entire human family.

In Search of An Oasis

We have almost reached the end of this voyage of introspection. I started off, a few posts ago, with providing you with an account of the influences that prompted me to write this blog. True, this is a sort of ending. I hope to have covered the themes I wanted to cover. I reflected on the realities of death, change and difference - which define me to this day. But, in so many ways, this trip into introspection is not really the final word. Indeed, it's just the beginning.

I have long searched for the answer to the ultimate question: What is the meaning of life? I have sought the answers from religion, science and philosophy. I confess that I was raised a Roman Catholic but since I was young, that didn't stop me ask difficult questions and explore what other religions and traditions had to teach me. This wasn't that easy when you consider that, at the time, different religions were the subject of jokes and ridiculed.

I admit that I may have sometimes been an accomplice in such acts of mockery. But then I did wonder... There was always an implicit condition set forth in Christianity. That you had to believe without question and that, at the end of the day, you had to be "like us". And I also knew that some believers closed their heart and mind to other people having a tradition or faith that was different than their own. I thought about how a religion professing unconditional love could become one which clings to dogma and rigid conditionality.

I also noticed a hypocrisy that I couldn't understand. People who proclaimed their love for a God they never saw with blind devotion and, then, treating those around them badly - judging and condemning them. I sometimes felt an outsider as I participated in mass every Sunday. People thought I was many things - a less fortunate boy, an inspirational Christ-like figure bearing the 'cross' of my impairment. Some may have believed I was somehow a product of sin, or else I needed a miracle.

What about being thought of as a boy having a particular character and way of engaging with the world?

Don't get me wrong. I searched for the answers in science and philosophy too and the answers to who I was weren't so uplifting either. For medical science, I was 'abnormal', 'defective' and even 'sub-human'. For psychology, I may be seen as 'compensating' for my impairment or, as implied, my 'inferiority'. As for philosophy, the only valid reality was one created by men who could walk, see and hear and who, it appeared, were all intellectually advanced.

I confess that I often adopted one or two of these images produced by religion,, science and philosophy. In some respects, I also find refuge in thinking of myself as somehow superior to other disabled people, if ever defining myself in those terms. But I knew that these constructs of being rarely spoke of my reality. I felt robbed of my right to be human. To be thought of as having being that was good as it was. I wanted to find a peace and a sense of who I was that wasn't based on a pre-conception, a pre-judgment or an imposed order.

I cannot deny that I respect the teachings I learned from the major world religions. I still love to read about science and progress across the various fields, especially psychology, sociology and technology. I do love to immerse myself into philosophical inquiry and debate. I dare say that I am also interested in politics and activism as well. But, until now, I still found a problem with how the world around me. It was created in the image of a God that was alien to me. He wasn't the God I found as I read the Bible, or when I read about Judaism and Islam. It wasn't the same as the rational God of philosophy or the prime mover of science when it still believed.

It appeared that some people only said they believed in God or else denied God. But, in either case, there was the absence of God. Perhaps they have lost themselves in this world. Lured by the world's material pleasures without realizing that this world was not forever. And a few months ago, I would have agreed that I needed this or that. That success, fame, money and all this were fundamental to my happiness and peace. But I feel changed.

A poem perhaps can best describe this...

As I travel through this desert,

In search of peace and happiness.

I find no meaning and only dirt.

Death and destruction, no less.

Until beyond, I see a pool of water.

Some palm trees and life again.

Is it a mirage? Or a cruel dream?

I get closer and behold my reflection.

I dare put my hands in the cool liquid.

Will I scorch my insides? I wait. I feel alive.

This is real. This is true. It is as it is!

Is my search over? Have I found my oasis?

The Gifts of Boredom

Since I started this blog, I can’t help asking myself whether it was a good idea after all. Indeed, who I am to ponder the questions that have troubled human beings since the beginning of human time? And when I speak of religion and spirituality, am I really mature enough to know what they really mean? And besides, who is really interested in considering the profound questions posed by consciousness and awareness that “knows that it knows”? Yes, part of me is also curious about how many people on the net are actually reading what I am trying to express here.

Since the start of this year, I had to spend a considerable amount of time in bed due to a medical issue. While, thanks to technology, I could still keep in touch with my friends and what was happening in the world, the fact that I had to spend many days away from work and life in general meant that I was frustrated. To make things worse, a back problem rendered me even more helpless than I ever was. It can be a boring life, I admit, and considering my previous life as a disabled activist and researcher which was quite a fulfilling one, this new life seemed empty and pointless. Where was my life going?

It’s surprising how when we are faced with considerable time on our own without much to do, we start noticing things about who we are that we may miss during our busy lives. We have the time to revisit past memories and even dwell on things we wish to do but cannot do. We even resolve to change how we live our life as if it was the new year. And I couldn’t help reflecting on my own fragility after being rendered helpless due to a toe infection and back pain! I also thought about the time in my late teens when I was close to death. Then it was far worse, I admit. Yet, my concerns about my purpose in life and, by extension, the nature of death; returned to haunt me.

This thirst for answers and hunger for purpose reawakened a part of me that I had forgotten or buried deep in my unconscious. A sort of emotion, feeling, state - I can’t find the right word. But I think that it could be best described as my spirituality. While I have already talked about the pitfalls of religion, this is the place I would look for answers. After all, religion is not the problem itself but rather it is how people manipulate religion to suit their ends that is the problem. 

However, before threading any further into my spiritual journey, I owe it to you to provide some background information about my relation to religion and spirituality because it is central to understand how my present outlook developed over the last months.

Death of Religion

Last time I posted, I left you with a question some of us may have asked ourselves. Even perhaps as young children trying to get to grips with the death of a dear pet or, somewhat more troubling to us, the death of a relative or close family member. I admit that I was too young to remember the death of my brother. But the fact that I never got to know him as a person has prompted me to ask the question why do we have to die on many occasions in the past. Not that I'm in any way a necrophile, or a lover of death, but that there are times when I feel that I need to retreat and examine my life.

There is much truth in the Socratic statement positing that the unexamined life is not worth living. Indeed, I have gone through times when I was absorbed in my own bubble, thinking I knew all that I needed to know and tied to a rigid view of the world. You probably know the name of this period in life. Adolescence.! It's a great tine when you can afford to be idealistic, perfectionistic in my case and very preoccupied with fitting in. Drop in some arrogance and a good dose of hard headedness and you have it: the teenage mindset. Yes, I was perhaps being too hard on my past self for it was a time when I could dream without much concern about any practical consideration.

I don't want this blog to become an autobiography. But the point here that when we are young, we tend to believe that we will live forever. Then again, I knew that wasn't the case and people die. For no reason and at no defined time. And while death saddens us, the realization that our lives are temporal and finite should make us appreciate the unique opportunity we have to be alive. Mind you, there have been dark moments in my life when I felt that the pain caused by sickness and poor health or, equally painful, the sense of abandonment and isolation that I felt then, I would rather have avoided.

On the other hand, this doesn't mean that they were devoid of any value. They did help me wake up to the fact that I had fallen into a vortex of cynicism and apathy. I was going through this life of mine without purpose. However, when I got close to death on the summer of 1998, I knew that my life had hit the bottom and started sinking. I started to ask myself whether my life would end soon. I was unsure of what to expect on the other side. My Catholic upbringing taught me about heaven and hell, Jesus and the plan for salvation. Or damnation!

Of course, I knew that Christianity went beyond simply heaven and hell. Indeed, Christian faith like Judaism before it, manifested a human hope for a better today and tomorrow, even after our lives are apparently ended. Unfortunately, even if I knew that the basic principles of both Judaism and Christianity were the same - to bring love and compassion - history is replete by use of violence to impose dogma and belief on another people. This, however, is not unique to Christianity but has happened in the case of Islam and Hinduism in history. It is also happening today.

But how do religions based on love and compassion end up causing so much death and destruction?