Back to the Beginnings

Today, I just realised that it’s been over a year now since I started this blog, I called ZoneMind>. My first entry appeared on 7th May 2011 and I gave it the title Beginnings. I admit that I wasn’t quite sure what how this blog would evolve but, in time, as I attempted to deal with the emptiness and dissatisfaction that preoccupied me during that period, it took a life of its own. My engagement with Buddhist practice has opened my mind to a reality that, in many aspects, challenged my old world view I thought I had mastered.

I am now at a point where I’m unsure of where to go from here. I can’t explain it using conventional ways. Language wouldn’t be able to capture what I’ve been feeling in the last few days. But, it’s only through language that I can convey this feeling and state of being. But, yet, it defies convention and I don’t understand it myself. I have changed so much that I feel like another person. Or, rather, it’s like returning to a state of authentic being that I had a child. A state of mind beyond the restrictions of language and thought. I am more open to the world in a wonderful way that can be overwhelming. I am joyful and sad a…t the same time. Joyful because I am once again aware of the beauty of life and the unique miracle of human existence. Yet, I’m saddened when I witness a world that is obsessed with the idea of power, position and control. A struggle to preserve a self that is impermanent and finite.

But, as I become more mindful of the dark side of human nature, I catch glimpses of this same pride and arrogance of human beings in myself. I must admit to that. Even in my journey of self-exploration, I still suffer afflictive emotions. I still get angry. I still can hate or get jealous. I can still feel self-righteous and indulge in vain pride. But now, it’s different. I’m more aware that, like anyone else, I am very far from practicing real compassion. Yet, now I’m more aware of what’s happening inside, I have a choice - either to react or else to act with care and patience. I am free to act with a certain confidence and patience.

I can find happiness in the sadness of pain and suffering that affects us all as human beings. I can be authentic and genuine only if I acknowledge that many of the problems I have with relating to people and how people relate to me and each other are rooted in an ignorance. An ignorance, not in the sense of stupidity, but in the sense of not knowing or being unaware of the reality we live in.

The reality in which our life as human beings is finite and impermanent. A reality where our experience arises out of a relationship between the senses, material reality and living beings. We don’t make our bodies or form our minds on our own. For this, we need the world, other people and our senses. We need to recognise that fact. I have now appreciated this fact because it affirms a certain truth hidden deep within my being. A truth I had felt as a child when I used to watch the waves of the Mediterranean sea coming up to the beach when I used to swim at the fishing village of Marsaxlokk, Malta.

There was a harmony of nature. The sun in the blue sky. An occasional floating cloud shaped in ways I would imagine. The clean fresh air. The pleasant breeze of a soft summer wind. I was then, one with the sea, with the sand, one with those who swam in the same sea I sweat. During those moments, I felt connected to everything - free from the chains of language or conceptions. I don’t know why I should remember this. But, I guess, that was then, and things have changed. I grew up. My body is no longer that active, my eyes not as sharp and I am burdened by the knowledge of the world. Inasmuch as such knowledge is important, it isn’t reality. It’s only a reflection but not reality.

I feel I cannot go on living my life as I was before, Now that my mind is more clear, I feel I’m still confined to a life that has lost its shine. It appears that I’ve outgrown my ambitions and plans for the future. I wasted too much time seeking happiness when this can only be found within and not outside. It is then only that I can dare to go beyond where I do not know. But, before I make any radical changes in my life, I need to take some time to reflect and ponder the real purpose of my life. Yes, I may escape and leave things as they are and that would be easy. But then, I will have to live a life that I didn’t really want. A life that is dissonant with what I feel I should do.

I need to reflect. I need time.

I hope to return soon.

But, for now, I need to know.

Visions of Tomorrow

I’m writing this on a quiet Saturday morning. I plan to publish it tomorrow. And unless, something went wrong, you’re probably reading this on Sunday - but not before. I had a good night of rest but I went to sleep with a feeling of sadness and uncertainty following last night’s meditation. T the time of writing, yesterday was Friday  May 2012. But what does this date really mean?

Yes, I sometimes lose the sense of time. Whenever that happens, it’s always rather unsettling. Perhaps I’m getting old but should this be happening when I’m still 31? But, I guess that my experience of life is unique to me. Yet, at the same time, my life as a human being shares with you many common realities. The differences that separate me from you, indeed, are mostly artificial and secondary. Our position on Earth exposes us to the same challenges of life. Our needs are similar. The only differences are, in many cases, a result of our own preconceptions and models of how the world works that are fabricated by our minds.

I am still disturbed by what came up during my meditation. I will have to reflect more on its significance. I hope to be able to write an entry or two in the future. Yet, tomorrow I will be changed person as I wake up to a new day. I may not even be here tomorrow. Then, who would have written this? I will be just not here and, honestly, I don’t know where I would be. For tomorrow is only a thought only exists in our minds. It isn’t real in the sense that it is not tangible and, in truth, it is unreal. The only thing I can be sure of is that today I’m still alive and in relatively good health. I don’t know whether I’ll be around tomorrow. Granted, there’s a good probability that I’ll be here. But, still, my knowledge is limited. What tells me that a catastrophic event will hit Earth?

I don’t know. While one may be tempted to live in fear of the end, I have come to realise that death is ultimately our final destination. We may believe there’s an after-life awaiting us but there’s no certainty that another reality beyond this life exists. What I really have is the present moment. Thus, even if I still fail in this, as I grow in mindfulness, the more I have come to appreciate the present moment as a gift that I have been given without really doing anything to deserve it. 

And, whatever the future will bring, I  will try to be open to this unique opportunity to live for another day...  

In Memory of Identity - Part 4

Continued from Part 3

The realisation that our memories, and consequently, our identities can be so fragile and vulnerable might make us feel sad. On the other hand, it should help us reflect more on the preciousness of the everyday moment. It should make us more aware of how unique and sacred the experience of living is and open our hearts and minds to those around us and to all living beings.

The awareness of that who we are today would not be possible were it for the people we have met throughout our lives should make us reflect on how co-dependent we are on the world. For if it wasn’t for the material world, we wouldn’t be able to sustain our bodies. For if It hadn’t been for the many people, past and present, who taught us how to be human, we wouldn’t be seeking more from life and asking what life is all about. For if it hadn’t been for the Earth and all the conditions that made life possible, we wouldn’t be here as a species and would have never evolved in the first place.

I want to grow and practice mindfulness not to achieve fame and fortune but to find the peace and happiness that sometimes still eludes me. I know that I am not wise and did falter before and I am sure that I will falter again. However, I realise that, despite my failings, change does not come without a degree of sacrifice and an open mind.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be in a position when I start forgetting who I am. I confess that the possibility does frighten me. However, life is unpredictable and it could happen. I hope that those around me will still view me as a human being and support me in the best way they can. I also hope that as I drift into forgetting, I will appreciate the present moments as I experience them. For, even now, the present moment is really what we experience. And it flees away so quickly.

The End

In Memory of Identity - Part 3

Continued from Part 2

People who have severe memory loss challenge our ideas about identity. They force us to consider that our identity isn’t as solid and constant as we wish to believe. If this wasn’t the case, we wouldn’t grow. Change would be impossible and we wouldn’t be able to adapt. Life without change leads to an inevitable death. There is no escaping that fact.

Buddhism talks about the principle of dependent arising which is relevant to this reflection on memory and identity. For while we may deem people having memory loss as suffering, 

we experience suffering ourselves as we witness another human being fading into oblivion. It’s undeniable that the person experiencing memory loss may be going through a nightmarish existence where nothing makes sense any more.

Yet, the more I contemplate this reality, the more I realise how I, myself, don’t exist without a frame of reference. We exist in relation to others. We define ourselves in relation to the world around us. Our identity is not absolute and is in a flux. A single experience, a word, or even a piece of music, can alter our sense of self. And we can’t even claim to be self-made as we’re tempted to do in a Western society preoccupied with independence and individuality.

For in truth, the memories that remind us of who we are or we think we are have been shaped by our friends, family, society, history, culture, language and many more. Our contribution to our identity becomes significantly limited. But, we have the most important tool in our mind. We can choose to remain passive and complacent or learn to cultivate awareness. 

Many times, I notice that people go on living as if their life was immortal. They take life for granted without opening their minds to the world around them. We are sometimes too concerned with preserving the memory of our identity when, in fact, the self is only the product of many processes working together to create an illusion of self. A self dependent on our senses, our perceptions, on our histories and the context we’re living in. Ultimately, we hold all this together thanks to a memory that, as a product of mind, is also prone to decay.

Continues...

In Memory of Identity - Part 2

Continued from Part 1 

 

We often underestimate the importance of memory in defining who we are. Indeed, our identity is dependent on memory. Our past only exists in our memories. We create our present from the accumulation of memories. Even our futures are often rooted in our past and present experience which we remember thanks to our memory. If we had to forget everything we learned in the past, or incapable of creating new memories, it appears to us as an unbearable existence. For, in truth, memory is at the basis of everything we think of as human.

 

If there was no memory, there would be no history since historians wouldn’t remember what happened yesterday and wouldn’t feel a need to record it. Science wouldn’t exist as knowledge about the world is lost as soon as it is observed. There would be no need for politics, religion or philosophy as in a amnesiac world, time becomes irrelevant for to perceive time, we must be able to know what happened before and assume that after this moment there will be another one and yet another. There would be no language, for no one would be able to remember concepts or words.

 

To us, who are so unaware of how dependent we are on memory, a life where we lose our memory to the point of forgetting ourselves is a fate comparable to death It’s only natural to fear this sort of death. But are our memories really that reliable and infallible? Aren’t our memories like everything in life, prone to distortion and corruption? Is the past we reminisce about an authentic representation of the past that existed? Are we really in tune with our present existence? Are our futures but projections of our fears and desires with no firm grounding in reality?

Continues...

in Memory of Identity - Part 1

First, let me start with a haiku

I do lose myself
In a nature beyond me
Finding compassion

After a hard day and a deep restful sleep, I sometimes find myself having to adjust once again to a waking state. I need to make a little effort to remember what happened last night and what I had to do that morning.

Even if it’s not as worrying as memory loss that characterise some mental states, I wonder where my mind was during the time I was asleep. Where was I? And who was I? The truth of the matter is that during sleep, we enter a state not that different than death.

When you hear about the death of someone, even if he or she is not close to you, we are momentarily forced to reflect about the everyday reality of death. Yet, we fail to see that each day, in many ways, we are dying on different levels. Inasmuch as death terrifies most of us, we are also afraid of one day waking up to realise that we don’t know who we truly are any more. The prospect of forgetting ourselves is, of course, associated with old age.

However, more serious cases of memory loss, such as dementia are particularly disconcerting as they effectively conditions that threaten our belief in an ever present self.
During sleep, we forget who we are. In that condition, who we are becomes immaterial. We need to rest and, if that means completely shutting down to the world, we are willing to forget the world for a while. We don’t plan to sleep or can really suppress it for long without experiencing health or psychological problems. It’s not only natural but it appears to be necessary for our wellbeing. Yet, when we wake up, we need to function again in a material world. There, we turn to our memories.

Continues...

Facing the Call - Ending

Continues from Part 3

We’ve reached thee end of this series where I re-examine the purpose of my life. Ironically, it had to be the new year which was prompted me to realize that I couldn’t go on with one of my aspirations mainly due to persistent health problems. I spent these days meditating on this choice between working and living what would be considered a rather 'ordinary' life, I finally come to a realization. Not perfect or complete

I've realized how I may have been superficial in some ways by expecting that by advancing in one area of my life, I could gain a greater value as a person. When I should know that if it wasn't for the many people in my life - parents, siblings, relatives, friends, teachers, priests, - The list goes on and on - I wouldn't be who I am today. In addition, I realize I'm also indebted to the many figures who came here before me and who left their legacy to us. To be honest, I should also include my enemies to the list of people to be grateful to - not for the harm they seek or sought but for providing me with the opportunity to practice patience and grow in many ways in self-understanding.

We're truly so connected to each other and to all living beings and material things that we often miss it. Yet, when we lose an important part of our lives or are faced by a crisis, we become aware of how much we took what we had as if we could never lose it. as if things would never change. as if we had a right to own it - whatever it was. If you think about it, not even 'our' names are even our own. They were handed down to us by our caregivers and names emerge out of a long history and tradition. We all know that we're not our names or titles but we often act as if they had an existence beyond themselves.

But the truth I'm gaining over my Buddhist practice is that nothing actually exists without being intrinsically related to things or, in our case, to things, people and ideas. besides, as I consider how many changes that my mind and body have undergone, it's useless to cling to what we have been given. This isn't saying that we shouldn't value what we have but that we shouldn't give what we have undue value in our life. Like everything else, they must end one day. Yes, that includes you and me.

As I think about the decision I've taken to abandon my previous aspirations, which have to be put aside, I feel sad and disappointed. I can't deny that as I recall how much of time and energy I had already put into it. But the fact is that I'm not that strong to continue as I was. Yet, I've taken a choice to pursue my goal in another way and by using my potential as a writer to the fullest and to develop myself as a person.

The call isn't about gaining fame, fortune or recognition. It's about giving back the world some of what you've received. It's about reaching out to the world by being the best in the service of others - even if it means travellingtraveling in a lonely wilderness.

I think answering the call entails growing in our self-awareness and give our best to others in our own ways. To me, writing and communication may be potential ways of answering the call. However, whatever you feel you must do, answering my call means being authentic to your true being and to the world. But it’s my choice.

END

Facing the Call - Part 3

Continued from Part 2

At times, I really don’t know why I write. For all I know, nobody is reading this blog. I am aware of that with every new post I write. However, even if no one is actually reading these thoughts of mine, I still would feel compelled to write. I had an urge to write since I was younger and even if much of what I wrote rests some place I have forgotten or has since been destroyed, that act of writing would have been significant. Even if what I wanted to express remained lost to time, it granted me the opportunity to reach out of myself. Yes, the act of writing has a social element - it gives us the opportunity to reach out to others. Yet, it also gives us the chance to reach out to ourselves.

Indeed, if I had to read what I wrote when I was 12 or 13, I would have rediscovered part of who I was that had been long buried and forgotten. In this sense, the moment our thoughts are committed to writing, they become traces of the past. While this gives a certain magical quality to writing, the words and concepts we express through this medium remain corrupt versions of reality akin to the same words and concepts which are also distortions of reality they attempt in capturing. At the same time, writing and the language that is carried through this means of communication which is one of the means we have of reaching out to the world and beyond ourselves.

But why, you ask, do I write about writing? What does it have to do with the call? Or with the choices I have to take?It does in many ways as circumstances in my life prevent me from pursuing the path I thought I should follow. I won’t go into detail about these choices - at least not at present. However, suffice it to say that health issues have led me to rethink the choices I have made in different times. And here, writing comes into the picture. Mind you, I don’t intend to embark on writing fiction or long non-fiction works - although these can’t be fully excluded. However, I believe that through my writing, I can positively contribute to my field of interests, which include disability issues. Of course, I will continue my writing on this and the other of my blogs. Indeed, the choice to invest in developing my writing should give me greater chance to explore other facets of life that I might have neglected.

I have almost come to a close to what appears will be a four-part series. I hope that this post and the future ending will not be, to you, a disappointing anti-climax. However, I feel it’s important to deal with real life issues when considering my growth in self-awareness, or rather in my understanding of the meaning of life. Ultimately, anyone who has taken the time to meditate and practice will tell you that the ultimate application of all this undertaking should be the real world outside.

The last question that I need to answer is what I learned from all this. How can I grow by taking this step forward into an uncertain future? Does this what facing the call involve? Does this move to dedicate more of my time to writing actually fulfil my authentic being?CContinues...

Facing the Call - Part 2

Continues from Part 1

We can take a look at our lives as a continuous sequence of changes where we are partly in control of our futures. Our challenge is to be able to live up to the situations that life throws at us without growing too attached to a set of ideas about who we are and what we should be in life. I'm having to learn that lesson over again as I rethink my choices in life. Admittedly, if you consider the nature of suffering in Buddhist teachings, one realises that the account of reality we were invited to embrace is not a sweet pill to swallow. But no truth is easy to digest.W e sometimes refrain from taking important decisions in our daily life out of fear or because deep inside we want what we can't possibly have. In my case, a number of health issues have forced me to rethink my priorities and change the path I thought I had to follow to be of value. \

It isn't the first time that my body forced me to rethink my life. It happened when I had to abandon my Masters degree for a while, only to engage in another one as I grew used to a visual impairment I had acquired on top of my mobility impairment. At the time, I thought that this was the end to my life and happiness but time would reveal that there were many people out there who were ready to help and provide me with support. Indeed, this event changed me in many ways and introduced me to a new life, new friends and, eventually, to new opportunities
. You have a choice and I chose to continue not out of bravery or determination but because, it was that or a fall into an abyss of depression and self-pity. It was a question of survival.

It is then that you appreciate how precious life is. How you can't take anything for granted. How a single action - a single choice - can not only change your life but even your personality and outlook on life. and it sets you thinking whether there is something tangible and real about who you presume you are. Then you wonder whether you're living up to your fullest and whether you're doing your best - even when faced with seemingly insurmountable obstacles. when you find yourself, like I have, in a time where there' seems to be no hope. But, then you know., that as even the mightiest mountain will turn into dust, even the darkest of moments will be illuminated by the light of hope. as we grow in our understanding of who we are, the obscurity of ignorance will be overpowered by the light of wisdom.

I ask you why deny ourselves the opportunity to cultivate peace into our own hearts? Why do we have to rely on things outside us to be happy? And isn't more important to be true to ourselves rather than a slave to our desires and cravings that, if uncontrolled, will burn us out. My current position in life is delicate and full of confusion and fear. But I find refuge in knowing that no matter how bad things may get, the hard times will pass. Of that I'm sure.

But, in order for us to find true peace and happiness, it's important to be willing to give up our need to own the world and stop attempting everything in our power to preserve what, ultimately, is empty and illusionary. In our journey to find our true purpose, it's vital that we are able to respond to what the core of our being is telling us without preoccupying our thoughts with things that aren't that important..

And, what is my inner being telling me?

Continues...

Facing the Call - Part 1

I confess that there have been a lot of thoughts going through my mind over the holidays. Now that we’re in 2012, I feel I must deal with this sense of unfulfillment and longing that has appeared consistently over the course of the last weeks. There is no denying that I have lived a good life - despite any problems that I had to deal with over my relatively short life. Indeed, 30 years is really just a little amount of time and experience in the history of a person. One can imagine, then, how insignificant this period of life would be when compared to that of the oldest creature alive, or to that of the world or else, the universe.

However, the fact remains that I believe that I learned a lot from the experiences that I went through. And there is so much more that I need to learn. It’s far too easy to seek refuge in the familiar but this isn’t how life works. I have often wondered as I meditate about the meaning of my life. I have gone through a lot of hardships but, so far, I survived. Yet, despite this fact, there is still a part of me which fears the future. After all, there were so many things that happened in my life that I didn’t expect or prepare for, such as the increase in the severity of my physical impairment and, later, the acquisition of a visual impairment. Yes, I have prevailed as a visually impaired wheelchair user but this is not out of any extraordinary will or courage.

The fact is that if I hadn’t adapted to the changes which happened in my life, some of resulting in radical changes, I would either lose my mind or else close myself to the world or even spend the rest of my life on a death wish. But, in no way, am I free of dark moments where I wished I had never been born at all. These are only natural feelings that we sometimes must deal with in the course of life. Surviving is a matter predicated by many factors that are, in most cases, beyond our control. And, still, the little degree of choice we have control over is enough to make that difference in our lives.

However, that moment of choice must be taken seriously and with great responsibility. Of course, not all decisions in life carry the same weight and the consequences of decisions aren’t always that clear or predictable. At the same time, a few decisions require of us the courage to take them or else risk to lead a life of regret or denial. In both cases, we will end up disappointed - living a life we do not really like or to simply settle within our comfort zones and keeping our potential to a limit. As I proceed in my investigation of Buddhism, I am encouraged to take a step forward into the darkness of my soul. Haven’t I gone there before already?

In the course of the next posts, I’ll try to go further into an important question. One that concerns the very purpose of my life in view of changing circumstances.. Ultimately, it’s an exercise to explore whether I have gained enough experience to face the call within.

Continues ...

OnBeing Stuck

Life can be so unpredictable. Only three weeks ago, I felt that life was finally taking a good turn for the best. I was happy and looked forward to life ahead. But, then, I had a bad fall. I found myself on the floor, crying in pain, as I became aware that I had somehow fallen a step on my side with my wheelchair standing not more than a metre away. I couldn’t understand how it happen. But it surely did. And I’m experiencing the effects of this moment of distraction as I write about it now. In many ways, it all seems to be an unjust betrayal - as if there could be some ill will behind this situation.

I know that one day, all this will be over. In fact, I could almost laugh about it all. But now, it seems to be an event that cannot disappear because its memory still manifests itself through my pain and discomfort. I can, however, take comfort in the fact that, despite the darkness that appears to fill my days, , there will be a tomorrow. I should know by now that nothing lasts for ever. While we cherish those times of joy and happiness of our life, they can cease to be. Suddenly without warning.

I type this with difficulty and not without some effort. But, then again, it’s this time when everything appears to be so hard and change so elusive that you appreciate the simplest of things. Like the chorus of birds in the early morning. The sweet smell of a fresh cup of tea. The message of a friend wishing you were well again. The music that you have listened to before but really never really understood. The miracle of life which prompts you to ask of why you are here and how come, in spite of all odds, you’re still here.

Perhaps it appears to be something we take for granted - this life. But when you consider that even a single act of breathing is possible only because of so many factors working in harmony. Factors, we may be unaware of, but which are intrinsically dependent on one another. The muscles in our chest… The air that gives us life… And so on and so forth! I dare say, this chain of factors could be tracked back to the origin of the universe itself. And then, you wonder, whether you really have the right to complain about the things that may be going wrong. You put the feeling of frustration and depression into perspective.

I hope that tomorrow will be a better day. I can’t avoid being aware of my pain and suffering that appears to be inescapable. I can’t pretend not to wish it was different. But, at the same time, I realise that I cannot live in the future. I cannot even change the past. I only have the present now. It’s now that I can really make a difference to my life. It’s only now that I can shape the future. For, at the end of the day, the future is unknown and, indeed, may never happen. The only certainty can be found in the present moment.

The Gifts of Boredom

Since I started this blog, I can’t help asking myself whether it was a good idea after all. Indeed, who I am to ponder the questions that have troubled human beings since the beginning of human time? And when I speak of religion and spirituality, am I really mature enough to know what they really mean? And besides, who is really interested in considering the profound questions posed by consciousness and awareness that “knows that it knows”? Yes, part of me is also curious about how many people on the net are actually reading what I am trying to express here.

Since the start of this year, I had to spend a considerable amount of time in bed due to a medical issue. While, thanks to technology, I could still keep in touch with my friends and what was happening in the world, the fact that I had to spend many days away from work and life in general meant that I was frustrated. To make things worse, a back problem rendered me even more helpless than I ever was. It can be a boring life, I admit, and considering my previous life as a disabled activist and researcher which was quite a fulfilling one, this new life seemed empty and pointless. Where was my life going?

It’s surprising how when we are faced with considerable time on our own without much to do, we start noticing things about who we are that we may miss during our busy lives. We have the time to revisit past memories and even dwell on things we wish to do but cannot do. We even resolve to change how we live our life as if it was the new year. And I couldn’t help reflecting on my own fragility after being rendered helpless due to a toe infection and back pain! I also thought about the time in my late teens when I was close to death. Then it was far worse, I admit. Yet, my concerns about my purpose in life and, by extension, the nature of death; returned to haunt me.

This thirst for answers and hunger for purpose reawakened a part of me that I had forgotten or buried deep in my unconscious. A sort of emotion, feeling, state - I can’t find the right word. But I think that it could be best described as my spirituality. While I have already talked about the pitfalls of religion, this is the place I would look for answers. After all, religion is not the problem itself but rather it is how people manipulate religion to suit their ends that is the problem. 

However, before threading any further into my spiritual journey, I owe it to you to provide some background information about my relation to religion and spirituality because it is central to understand how my present outlook developed over the last months.