What Can We Do? A Meditation on Action

Life changes. That's a fact we all know but people seldom think about. Every day is unique but in our fast moving world, we have created the illusion that there's such a thing as a "normal" week that includes a period of rest we call the "weekend".

 

The more I grow in my practice of various forms of meditation, the more I realise how easy it is to go through life following habit and routine without stopping and reflect on the point of it all. For, while life may seem to be going great, we night fail to appreciate the moments in which we find our peace and comfort. It's only when we realise we lost something that we start to appreciate its value.

 

We also risk believing that we have more control over our world than we really do. As life goes through its natural cycle of birth, death  and renewal, we change as well. I have gone through particularly hard times in my life recently and I can't say that I found my peace.

 

Indeed, while we may have an idea that mindfulness and meditation provides us with peaceful bliss, its proper practice also exposes us to the scars which were deeply hidden in our mind. Yet, unpleasant as they are, acknowledging their presence can help us to slowly detach ourselves from them.

 

Even if I am trying to give up my attachment to the world, I confess it's harder than I thought. I still remain attached to my pride and sometimes still crave to acquire a particular thing or position. But then again, I know how . foolish my thinking is. Yet, I can still be a fool. Acknowledging that is the first step - even if my pride gets angry.

 

The fact is that there's very little we can change in the world. There are so many factors that are permitting that we have the right conditions to keep alive that it would be impossible to list them and some I don't even know about. We also depend on the living world, including the people we live with on this rotating piece of rock. 

 

So what can we do? While we may not be able to change the world or even "save" it, there's only one thing I learned that you may find of value. You can only change yourself. Yet, until you take the time to get to know who you are, each day will remain as insignificant as the one before. 

 

Don't expect to change overnight and don't even expect it to be painless. You may even find you're failing, like I feel lately, but you should keep in mind that the real peace, freedomm and happiness we all seek is not to be found in the world but in you and in how far you're ready to recognise your littleness in the  context of the whole.

An Elusive Silence

I find it difficult to find moments of complete silence in today's wold. I remember that as a child, I could find a place at home or when I'm outside when there's almost complete silence, interrupted by the pleasant song of birds and possibly the sounds of crickets in the summer months.

I don't want to sound too nostalgic here. But, the fact that as I grow in my Buddhist practice of meditation, the more I've come to appreciate the value of stillness and silence. Unfortunately, if the silence I am seeking depended on the environment or the people around me, then returning to a past where there were times when the world seems to rest and simply become silent for just a few hours.

Today,, we are literally bombarded by a cacophony of noises, music that is sometimes too loud to bear, the sounds emanating from our mobile phones and email programmes informing us that we received a request of some kind, or a reply and so on. Requests that distract our attention from the world around us. Tools that are meant to enhance our communication but which, at times, isolate us from those who are around us.

I wonder if my own need to keep in touch with the virtual world is but an escape from facing the immediate world. Or, if this as sometimes an attempt to escape from a silence that might draw my attention to parts of who I am that I rather not explore. Parts of me that I would rather be unaware of. Painful or disturbing memories of a past that I wanted to forget. But, then what does this say about me?

If we are seeking more a life where we need to be connected with the world from the moment we wake up to the moment we are getting to sleep, what does this say about us?

The reality is that, unless we can travel to a remote part of the world where technology hasn't caught up, the reality of those who are living today in most parts of the minority world and small parts of the majority world, remains one where silence is a rarity or an impossibility. However, amidst this noisy world we have created, I still find time when I can find a silence.

It's not a silence where's there's no sound such as that found in the vacuum of space. It's the silence I find as I become aware of my breathing. As I stop moving and just rest my body and let my thoughts pass by. It's a silence where I know that I have a time when I only need to listen to the world around me and not necessarily react or respond. It's simply stopping and noticing the sounds around me, the vision I still have and be aware of the sensations of my body.

This is the silence that I may aspire to. For, even if we use our mind and body on a daily basis, we often take all this for granted. That is, of course, until we become ill or are in pain.

It is recognising the uniqueness of our present experience that we can actually enjoy life and discover that silence that provides us with the space to be who we truly are!

A Sunset of Promise

I continue struggling with the physical pain that has forced me into hospital two weeks ago. Thankfully, my pain wasn't that severe today but it's still early days and there can be good or bad days - depending on whether I wake up early enough to take my medication.

I admit there were hard days when I felt I wished to close myself to the world or even die. However, I knew that this pain, like any other thing, is simpermanent and one day will cease to be. In many ways, it's also an illusion if you think about it. All the pain is an result of the nervous system with no material basis.

This isn't implying that it lacs existence but that it arises out of the senses. In other words, if we had problems with our pain senses, we could be prone to doing ourselves harm or even die. Granted, nobody wishes to experience pain but it's good to know if the cup of tea you're about to drink is boiling before you Stuqrt gulping down its contents. Ouch! Stomach ulcer...

In the same way as pain is a warning mechanism that draws our attention to possible damage, I realise that this might have been how the body wanted to let me know that I needed to take a step back and collect my thoughts once-again and reexamine my life. Indeed, I am aware that part of my suffering arose from thoughts that echoed in my mind. When there was no pain. Even the times I was still a young boy.

I've returned home from hospital just a week ago but my memory fails to recall the details. Yet, together with all the memories and experiences I gathered over the years, I can truly say that I feel truly changed. I feel unsure about the future. Then, again, I had the opportunity to learn about myself and my relation to those around me.

in particular, I also found the support of friends and those close to me. We do forget atTimes how nuch we depend on each other, as individuals, on each other's cooperation to live our lives on this little rock we call Earth. For so much could happen to us in so little time that it's foolish to seek only for oneself.

On that note, I note that sunset has turned the day to night. Little things I've got to do. I need to eat, drink and, I hope to sleep.

Preparing for another day of unknown possibilities, preparing for the good and being open to the worse.

The Thing Called Pain

I've been experiencing a sense of pain for over a week. At times, it's as if it won't go away. A thought that I have even when I know nothing in this universe lasts forever.

This fact appears to provide a certain hope that that a future without this pain is certain.
While I wish that this physical pain disappears, so that I can return
to my routine, the fact that it has disrupted the routine gave me the
chance to examine my life and, when the pain is bearable, to force me
to attempt to understand pain.

The world today does well in finding means by which to manage pain. On the other hand, a degree of pain remains an essential sense to ensure
our health and survival. Indeed, feeling pain when putting your hand
on a burning fire can protect us for serious damage. And in so many
ways, pain is such a warning mechanism.

I believe, thus, that this pain I feel today is a result of days when
I failed to pay attention to my body and persisted as the pain
intensified. Eventually, it led to the current situation when I come
face to face with the reality of our human dependency or codependence.

But, if you think about it, pain isn't unreal because science reveals
that the sense of pain results from electrochemical signals
generated in the body. This isn't saying that pain doesn't exist but
that its reality isn't as solid and tangible as it might appear. In
this way, one could say that it's a simulation.

Apart from that, the experience of pain reveals how we are part of the
world and while we are separate in many ways from the world that
surrounds us, such a separation can never be complete but is always
partial and, maybe, artificial.

I appreciate the experience of pain not because I enjoy pain but
because it's giving me a chance to rekindle a sense of wonder.
Breaking up the chains of conventionality and, once more, offering me
the opportunity to pursue new possibilities.

This pain will end. Yet as long as there's only so much I can do at
present, is to learn from it.

A Violent Awakening

Last Wednesday, I was admitted to the state hospital soon after I finished breakfast or about twenty minutes. Or so dad would tell me. Apparently, I threw up and lost consciousness. I would wake up again at the emergency department trying to figure out what had happened and where I was. It was as if I wasn't there when all this happened. Even if I was discharged on Saturday, I remain in excruciating pain in my legs and back. It appears that my back had fractures caused by osteoporosis witch I developed later on in my early 20s due to treatment for another condition.

However, the details aren't that important. I found myself in hospital once again. My life, once more, interrupted. An unknown future ahead. Not that there's certainty with any future. But when such a 'violent awakening' occurs, I tend to stop and reflect on where my life is heading and what'll come of me if this will take a long time to improve.was I living the life that truly fulfilled who I was?

And there were I fear that, despite the pain of my current state, I realise that I long for more from life than the path I've chosen so far.a lingering sense of dissatisfaction and emptiness accompany these hours of pain. As if there's an aspect of who I am that I've tried to avoid. A silent calling of the soul. Greater than me and, yet, not foreign. I struggle as I try to express this feeling for language is limited and this state of mind seems to reside beyond language to begin with.

Inasmuch as writing has always provided me with refuge and sustenance in hard times in my life, such as this, i lack the strength to carry on with this entry. When I feel better, hopefully, I'll be in a clearer state of mind to relate to what is at the core of my deep longing.

Pain - Teach Me Life

I'm in pain once again. It's my back and legs now as well. It's hard and I struggle to type this entry in my present condition. So, I'll limit myself to a few reflections.

Of course, it's difficult for me to cope at times. I get to ask the question - why me? After all, I have been through so much over these years that I don't need this. Yet, when I realise how others may be going through much more serious suffering, I am compelled to ask why not me. What makes me so 'special' as to be spared to share in this human experience? Wouldn't be arrogant of me to expect to be spared just because I have through enough pain?

Doesn't this experience offer me the opportunity to Learn about who I am and my relation to others and the world?

Should I consume myself in anger and personal concerns while failing to grow in compassion? Aren't we, humans, all in the same situation? No one can escape this.

I also lay my hope that like everything else, this will end. Even if, at present, it seems hard to believe. I could deny myself the possibility of hope and indulge in self-pity and close my heart to the world. But that wouldn't help me or anyone for that matter.

This is my current reality. Uncomfortable - sure. Unnecessary - perhaps. But, useless it is not.

I witness the present moment. There's pain that comes and goes. But every one of these moments is unique and I must trust and live in the realities that surround me.

There'll be times of hope and others of despair. Successes and failures in how I dealpain. Yet, I refuse to define myself with this temporal pain. My humanity goes beyond that.

I may choose to drown in despair or affirm life by accepting this experience, learn from it and letting go.

Nobody can decide this but me.

I will try to choose to follow the path of hope.

This is a choice that no one can make on my behalf.

But it's a choice that I must make.

The New Year Haiku Trio: A Commentary

 

Prologue

 

During mindfulness practice, it’s often the case that I’m faced with thoughts and emotions that can’t be satisfactorily expressed using conventional language. During those times, I tended to rely on rhyming poetic verse - that is, until I discovered the Haiku which I found to allow me to open my awareness to a vaster array of interpretations - especially during times when I am faced with a lot of turbulent thoughts and emotions.

 

One such time is the new ear where we may find ourselves looking back at how we spent last year. And, as I felt I needed more clarity on what 2012 meant to me as a human being, I wrote a haiku to capture my state of mind. It’s actually a haiku trio and so, I’ll go through each haiku segment and share a few personal meditations on the words as they flow:

 

A New Year Haiku Trio

From: Haiku Flow, 

URL: http://haikuflow.gordongd.com/2012/12/a-new-year-haiku-trio.html 

1

An other year is over,

Many days we have forgotten -

Dried up … like raindrops.

 

 Commentary

 

If you think about it, we only remember little of what has happened to us over the course of last year. Hopefully, we retain a sense of who we are - even if our sense of who we are (or our sense of self) is a transient one. Like all other things, we have changed as persons whether we are aware of it or not. e don’t realise it but even our bodies have literally been changed as old cells are replaced by new ones.

 

However, these changes happen so slowly and on such a minute scale that we just move on through life thinking that the only significant changes that occur are external to us. And, even then, our memories forget. This isn’t neither good nor bad. Yet, it’s sometimes the case that we take what we have for granted - even with a sense of pride and entitlement - without acknowledging or appreciating the source of all we have to keep on living as physical beings - the living world around us.  

   

2

Do we remember?

The tears shed, laughter shared… Do we?

Yet, this is our life….

 

Commentary

 

These verses follow on the theme of time and impermanence. At the same time, it goes beyond that and compels us to ask ourselves what, exactly, have we learned from life during the course of this year. While we may have gained plenty of knowledge and experience. We may have had many experiences of suffering and joy, but if we didn’t take the time to reflect on what we have gone through, where these moments in our life worthwhile? 

 

While we cannot change our bodies and minds in radical ways, we have a choice whether we grow out of the experiences we encounter in life or give up and indulge in a life where we blame others (hate), believe our solutions are external (desire) or go on through life without being (ignorance). These three poisons often might lead us to pursue the same life and ineffectual strategies that we have grown used to. Unfortunately, growth that resists change and doesn’t allow change is no growth at all. On the other hand, change that is made for the sake of it can be equally toxic.

 

3

Another year is born.

Our chance to live again. Anew.

To be here. Fully.

 

 

Commentary

 

This last verse of the haiku trio I wrote appears to be an invitation to accept life as it comes. At least, now that I read it again, it’s not just about a new year. For, in truth, given the different ways humankind has measured time, any day can be a new year. And, yes, in many ways, a new day is a new year. In truth, if you take away the fuss that we make out of adding a number to a calendar year and creating a day when we can take time off work, a new year’s day is just another day. It follows that it doesn’t have to be a new year to compel us to improve on our ways. Everyday offers us the possibility to grow and change. Everyday is the opportunity to experience our life in  its full potential.

 

And, perhaps, this is the main reflection underpinning the haiku trio. That, in order to live our full potential as human beings, we first need to recognise who we are in the world. We may dream to fly like birds, but our bodies are currently not equipped to fly. However, we can fly because some have considered the limitations imposed to us by nature and explored solutions around these apparent limitations. However, the reality of things had to be factored in so that we could, in some way, be able to fly.

 

Concluding Remarks

 

I don’t think I should add more commentary. I just hope this has provided you, the reader, with some food for thought. I remind you that the reflections I make in the haiku I wrote for Haiku Flow attempts to capture that sense of impermanence and transience. While below I provide my own interpretation of what the haiku verses appear to tell me, other ideas about its meaning to you might 

 

Yesterday's Child: A Few Afterthoughts

Since my last entry where I shared a few thoughts following an encounter with whom I called yesterday’s child, I find that there are a lot of emotions and feelings that I still need to process. I admit, I’m still unsure from where in my heart did these feelings flow. 

 

On one hand, this child took me back to my own childhood. Perhaps I was nostalgic as I was reminded of a past that I could never recapture. To realise how foolish it was for me,at the time, to become a grown up. To become an adult would mean, I believed, being able to live my life as I pleased. How foolish I was for wanting to grow up so soon and miss out on that precious time that childhood is.

 

I also felt a certain fear that I may never become a father. Or, if I did, I wouldn’t be able to do all the things fathers do with their children. I am not particularly keen on sports either - which would be an issue if I had a boy or girl who liked sports. As yesterday’s child did. I know that there are things which, I hope, I would be able to impart on my children. But, still, there’s still that lingering thought that I would never live to an ideal.

 

On the other hand, in retrospect, these thoughts are just thoughts and don’t have any real basis. Rather, they may help me live better today. For, I may not be able to recapture my childhood but I can commit myself to cherish the present and try to live the now to the full. The present moment remains the only one we can be in and the only time we have a choice. In this sense, my concerns for the future are, in a way, only the cause of unnecessary pain. For, I should accept whatever life offers and do my best. For whether I have a child or not, whether s/he will accept me and so on remain questions that can’t be answered or will never be answered at all.

 

This life of mine, I realise, is the only one I’m sure of. It’s precious because, I know, all lives will end. I can’t live forever. And, as I remember what yesterday’s child taught me, it’s important for us to reach out to those around us and to every other person living in this world. I have failed in this and still fail. But I know that I need to be compassionate to others. Not just for the sake of others but for my own sake.

 

I thank all those who told me that they liked reading my last entry on yesterday’s child. I admit, I was flattered. But, later, I felt a certain feeling of guilt. Had I used the child in my account for my own ends? In a way, I did. I did like many others who help others for the sole reason to receive praise. I might have fallen to an arrogance of those who help others only to be praised and photographed. People, I’ve met myself, who make a living exploiting those who are going through injustice and inequalities to appear as saviours - when they’re in fact, in some way, abusing the dignity of others for personal gain.

 

I hope, at least, that my post didn’t go so far. But, then again, I am aware that - without knowing or wanting - we may be doing the same thing. We may be inflicting needless suffering on those who are victims of injustice and inequality. We may waste food and water capriciously when people in some parts of the world are dying of hunger or thirst. We may take our homes for granted, when there are millions of people homeless or living in poor housing conditions. We may take our loved ones for granted, when there are people out there who have just lost their loved ones because of war or natural disasters.

 

But, of course, we are helpless. We can’t save the whole world. I feel bad because I know that I may never meet yesterday’s child again. Nor do I know if I can help in any way if I did meet this child. Yet, I feel a kind of guilt for not being able to do more. Yet, I have to be realistic and focus on what I can achieve today. To return to the beginning of this entry, it’s important for me to focus on the present. This doesn’t mean that I ignore the future and fail to plan ahead. But, inasmuch as it’s wise to set out plans for the future, the present is the one moment we have that is truly guaranteed. 

 

So, how can I help? How can you help? I feel that even if I may be unable to help yesterday’s child, there are a lot of people I meet on an everyday basis - some I know, others not. It’s there that I can make a difference. For one may aspire to go abroad to help others experiencing poverty and all that which is good. But, on the other hand,one can also do a lot here where you live. You can change things in the way you relate to the others around you. You can practice compassion today. You can take the time to understand others here. You can relate to others as equals now.

 

The only thing I can offer you here are  my words. I know that what I have written might not make any difference in your life or the life of others. I don’t expect it too. But all I hope is that somewhere, someone will stop and reflect on what I wrote. For life passes quickly and we may miss to appreciate the moment we’re given. A moment that, like our childhood, is lost forever.

Meditations on 31 Years of Life

I’m writing this post before the anniversary of my birthday. I hope it will appear on the day I was actually born on that afternoon of the 8th November 1981. By the time you’re reading this, I’ll be 31 which is almost one third of a century.

I don’t know where I’ll be when this gets published on my blog. I might be eating, working or checking my messages. That’s what I expect to be doing on a Thursday afternoon at least. Indeed, as I’m involved in my work and other commitments I find that I’m always on the go. The tendency, of course, is to go through life without really engaging with the unfolding reality. Without being aware of that passing moment. Without realising that you have lost that point in life forever.

I return back to my birthday. It’s very easy to be distracted from focusing on what I should be writing about at times. Thoughts from the past, concerns about the future and my present situation appear to take over my life even now. I was born 31 years ago.

I am expected to remember this occasion.

Yet, how many of us wonder about what was there before you were born? Can we contemplate a time when we were not?

Of course, we have learned that there was a time before we were born. The time of our parents and all the generations that came before them. Each person, no matter how we might judge them today, had a role to play in our being here alive.

In my case, I must also be grateful for scientists who have permitted me to live until this age.

If these people hadn’t survived for one reason or another, I would NOT be here.

The birthday I celebrate and the celebrations of the birthday many others celebrate throughout the year is a testament to an infinite chain of events that arose out of a cycle of co-dependence.

I might dare look even further back in history and trace my origins back to the genesis of our galaxy and even to the point where the universe was created in the first place.

But, as I contemplate the mystery of my being, I am also mystified by the very creation of our universe. For, my experience of time is so short and finite and my knowledge so restricted and limited, that I can only refer to the beginning of time itself but, as I am a being in time, I cannot conceive of a timeless state.

I may be writing this for my own self, I admit. But, the point is simple. As I reflect on my 31st birthday, I am humbled by the fact that I am born of a mother, a father. I am humbled because if it hadn’t been for the many people who came and went before...

If it hadn’t been for the way history has turned out..

If it hadn’t been for the birth of the Earth, the Sun and the solar system...

If it hadn’t been for the fact there was a universe to be in...

If it hadn’t been for life itself.

I WOULD NOT be here…

There’s no more to say.

Lets Talk about Pain...

When I started writing this entry, it started raining. Now, the rain seems to have stopped and I expect it to rain again in a few minutes. I Love this weather but I enjoy it most when I am indoors.

Yet, even if I usually enjoy being indoors listening to an audiobook in bed, for example, when it’s raining, my positive experience is dampened by a persisting pain in my back muscles. I have meditated during these moments of pain but I still need more practice in effectively accepting the experience of pain. However, while meditation does help address the suffering caused by pain, it’s a misconception to believe that “it’s all in the mind”.


Indeed, Buddhism doesn’t deny that there is a biological factor involved in the experience of pain. However, Buddhism makes an important distinction between pain and suffering (or more accurately “dukkha”). In this sense, while pain is real, discomfort itself or how we relate to this pain causes the real suffering. Thus, by choosing to reject or deny our experience of our present pain, we give this pain control over ourselves. We become slaves of an idyllic past and mourning a future that never was. By resisting pain, we don’t change and, if there’s no change we are bound to wither and die.


This may all sound defeatist, but I’m not saying that one shouldn’t take any action to reduce pain. However, an experience of pain can teach us about what it means to be human. It reminds me that I am limited. I am reminded that I share with others in a human experience,.

I discover that, in spite of any pretensions, my body is no different to that of other living beings. Pain is an invitation to appreciate how precious life and how life is impermanent and how it could end at any minute.


With all its unpleasantness and discomfort, pain awakens us to the present moment.

And, the only moment that we can truly change is but now.

For, like the rain, our lives can end at any time.

A Nomadic Life

In a few hours’ time, I’ll be returning back home from my summer house. By this time, I should get used to move back and forth between the two houses during the summer break. My family has been doing it almost every year since I was a child.

But this entry isn’t really about moving back to another house. It’s about home and its place in our life. For, throughout our lives, it appears to me that we’re searching for home where we find security. Where we are safe, uncomfortable and free from the problems of the world. Yet, I believe that although we think of “home” as a location in time and place, this isn’t the case.

Our lives is in a constant state of change. We may only guess that tomorrow things will be almost the same as usual but, in truth, tomorrow remains unknown. We may feel happy with our life right now and we do well to enjoy what we have. On the other hand, we must be careful not to base our happiness on what we have. No, not even get attached to our physical homes as there will be one day when we have to change everything.

And, when we lose what we had, we might discover an emptiness borne out of a false happiness. Indeed, even if we live in homes (if we’re lucky), a home remains a building of wood or stone. We’re the ones who imbue it with properties beyond itself.

I sometimes think of my life as a nomadic existence. I don’t know if you can understand. I have undergone radical changes in my life when I thought I had finally find fulfilment and happiness. I believed that change would lead me to a better life if I attained a goal or got a new gadget to play with. I found out that I had been misguided.

Like a nomad, I must learn that I will, one day, have to move on. Like a nomad, I need to find the strength and support to adapt to new realities. Like a nomad, I need to accept the fact that what I have can be snatched away from me without warning.

I confess that I share these thoughts because I know that soon I’ll be moving on once again from my winter home to another place. While I’m excited by the prospect of gaining more independence, there’s still a sadness and fear of moving on to an unknown place and to an unknown future.

Perhaps I need to recognise that I can only find true refuge in my heart and mind. That’s my home which I must dwell in until the moment of my death.

No One Remembers A Loser

Since the world's attention, especially of sports enthusiasts, is drawn on the events of the London Olympics 2012, I thought I might take some time to meditate on the significance of the Olympics. Of course, there were many topics that I could have addressed in this entry. I could ask different questions and considered whether this international event builds bridges between nations. I could have reflected on humanity's ability to push their limits. I could have questioned the fact that people like me, who are disabled, have to participate in a separate para-olympics as if we're not to mix with other athletes. Granted, we may engage in adaptations of certain sports and we would  disadvantaged if we competed with others who lack impairments that would pose limits to their performance. But, as I see it, disabled and non-disabled athletes could learn from each other on many levels.

Yet, I chose to write about "losers", or those athletes who won nothing, performed poorly or even didn't get to the finish line. Even if we say that what is important is participating - not winning - the nature of competitive sport is to ensure you outperform your rival. In such an environment, what matters most is to win. Success is measured by how many points you have gained and failure is disgraceful and not tolerated. In addition, winning is an achievement not only for your team, friends or family but can also an act of patriotism and and a political statement. It has been used to promote the ideologies of Nazism in earlier times.

However, the athletes competing find themselves training to win a gold medal. So, it's only natural that after you have dreamt of excelling and of winning Olympic medals, you don't qualify for any medal. After all the sacrifice , the training and hours preparing for success, you end up empty-handed. You feel you've failed your country, your team, your friends and your family and loved ones. Yet, you also know that you have failed your self. You relive your "failure" ovER and over in your mind. You try to understand what went wrong. You find no answers that fully satisfy. If your fall was serious, you might be remembered as a "loser.

I have never an interest in sport. Despite this fact, there were occasions when I felt I worked hard to achieve a goal, only to fail. I would ask myself how this could have happened. Hadn't I done all my best? I would be disappointed and indulge in self-pity as if I was the victim of a great injustice. I would conclude that it was my fault, or on the other extreme, try to blame external factors. Instead of learning from my experience, I wouldn't move on.

While there's nothing wrong with disappointment and in taking some time to mourn over your loss, I realise today that, at one point, you must put the past behind. This isn't saying that you deny what happened but that you take it as an opportunity to grow. Indeed, such an experience could be opportunity to put your life into perspective and rethinking your life priorities. Unfortunately, our world seems only to celebrate success while ostracising so-called "losers".

On the other hand, the world forgets that true success is often a product of many failures. Our life is the same. Sadly, we often believe in the myths of perfection. A perfection that contradicts the way the world is. We are deluded in a belief that failure is unacceptable and excellence is the ultimate goal. As a child, I learned to walk and I had many falls as well. Now, I find not enough strength to walk or stand up for long. Am I a loser for not persisting in trying and use my time and energy in an attempt to get back to the past? I do understand that some would interpret my choice as admitting failure and I do respect made by other people in my position to recover their strength. Then again, I chose to adapt and dedicate my life to living life. And even if the world might judge me as a loser, I don't to remain attached to a goal that is unrealistic.

I wish everyone competing in this year's London Olympics, all the success. However, in case you lose or under perform, take this as an opportunity to learn from this experience and be prepared to accept that this is part of being human..

While this might be a bitter drug to swallow, you are the only one who really knows how much you have put into it. At the same time, remember that neither success or failure defines who you as a person.

Why am I? The Purpose of our Lives...

Follows from 'What am I?' 

 

I come to an ending to this series of reflections on the meaning of authentic being. It’s now that I find myself to this point in life where there appears to be hope, however dim, in the coming of a tomorrow. For, the final answer to the question of authentic being is intrinsically linked to the previous ones - one related to being, “Who am I?“; And the other, related to belonging, “What am I?”. However, unlike the other questions, where I could propose a few thoughts for reflection, the question of purpose may be unanswerable using neither faith nor reason.

 

For, why am I here? Why are we here? If I looked at life simply as a physical process, I would say that in life, we are born to suffer, perhaps reproduce, get old and sick, and, finally, die. But, then, we all wish to hope that death is not an end in itself. Even if we may not be aware of it, we are afraid of losing all we have in life. We fear losing our self. But, yet, we forget - I forget - that who we are today is something we owe to the world. Be it our physical bodies or our intellect and personality nourished by society and other human beings.

 

I admit that I feel the need to connect. The need to express who I am. The need to manifest who I am and what I believe in. Yet, beyond writing about this, I recognise that thoughts and good intentions lead nowhere if they are not followed by action and practice. Thus, the question about our purpose in life should include an awareness of our basic human limits and potential, the individual, historical and social contexts we find ourselves in and it depends on how much we are ready to recognise both these realities as impermanent. For, it’s in their relation to death that purpose is given a life of its own. 

 

I know that I spent my life taking many things for granted. I have been on the verge of physical death one time before but, yet again, forgot as I once again I returned to a life of habit restricted in a particular world view. Not that this was a bad thing in itself. But, it involves a significant danger of making us forget who we are in this world. It feeds into what we may call, ‘the demon of pride’ where we (and perhaps those close to us) are the ones who really matter. The world, thus, revolves around us. In such a spirit, any act of charity or kindness we perform is most likely to be an act of pride and vanity. An act where we attempt to validate our inflated self-image. Even if we present ourselves to others as ‘victims’, there is that risk even then. Since, even then, there is a pride that justifies our irresponsibility and decision not to act.

 

Today, I chose to  make a difficult decision. Even, as I write, I know it will be hard for many to understand. But, nonetheless, I know that I owe it to myself as a human being to serve, not as a slave, to serve others as they are, and remain, the reason for being who I am today. Of course, one of the ways I know how to reach out to others is through words and language. In addition, that my position as a disabled person in my society also imposes a degree of responsibility. However, it would be mistake for me to restrict my identity to a particular group in society for then, again, I would be excluding so many others and would lose an opportunity to grow and learn as a human being.

 

I have great respect for the many people who have influenced me in the past. Some who are still with me on this journey. Some, who sadly, died a time ago. Others, yet, I have never met but I grew to know from reading about their life. For, inasmuch as all I knew was only at the tip of their authentic self, I know that all these individuals have helped to sow the seeds of my being. I can never repay them enough for what they have given me is beyond all I can offer.

 

The purpose of my life, however, cannot be separate from an understanding of this relation with what I have called the ‘other’. For, as I stated so many times, it’s in this ‘other’ that I found myself. I feel that if I forget this, I risk forgetting something very important about life. I may not belief in an after-life, or maybe uncomfortable with talking about God, but this I understand. That, in each one of us, human beings we have a potential to build and a potential to destroy. However, I am not ready to go on living a life chasing an illusion that my life will go on forever. I’m not ready to persist in avoiding the fact that it is today and only today when I can act to change. And, it’s only today that I can express my gratitude and practice compassion to my fellow human beings. 

 

Not because they believe the same things I do. Not because I regard them as similar to me. Not even because I love them and they treat me well. Not even because they love and respect me. But, simply because we are human beings. 

 

And, about the purpose of your life? 

 

I can’t answer that. But, I must tell you, that if you genuinely want to find the answer, you must be willing to face your self and your strengths and weaknesses with an honest mind. You must be willing to bow down to the

people who are around you - not in submission - but to show your respect. Ultimately, it’s about living a life where it doesn’t really matter when death comes for you, with all your human limitations, have tried to live to the full. And, even if you fail, the fact that you have tried is still an affirmation of our shared human spirit!

 

THE END OF SERIes!

A Moment of Meditation

There it was. Then it was gone just like that! This post is about today, and about every day. This post is about me, but about everyone. This post is meant to communicate a thought and express an emotion and a state of mind. But, it will not necessarily succeed. And,to be honest, the odds are against it. So, why write it anyway?

 

The reason, I think, is that today seemed to be going to be just like any other day. I woke up with the usual pain and stiffness of an early arthritis. I struggled to get out of bed to travel to work. Nothing different. And, perhaps, this is what made it sort of special. There was no pain I couldn’t bear, even if there could have been. I was aware of an experience that happened so often in my life that I never really noticed before. I realised, no, I felt the touch of a soft wind blowing over my skin through the open window. I felt a temporary relief from the summer heat wave taking over the country. I knew that I could do little to change the weather. I could only drink some water and keep myself cool.

 

This feeling of helplessness was, in a strange way, comforting. I had meditated for some time in the morning as I have somewhat neglected the practice for these last two days or so. There, I had come to really appreciate a realisation I had before but still resisted on an unconscious level. The realisation that all my life and all I thought I am didn’t make sense on their own. Inasmuch as the words on this page don’t have a meaning outside human language, so does my life make no sense outside of the human context.

 

I am, like the rest, seeking happiness. We want to be satisfied with our lives. And, yet, we firmly believe that our satisfaction and fulfilment can be found completely in the outside world. Yes, proper food and basic needs such as shelter and clothing (to mention the most basic) remain essential for our wellbeing. But, in addition to these, we need other things that are beyond all that.

We need to know because that makes us feel safe. We need to belong because that gives us a sense of identity and community. We need to love and be loved because gives us a sense of worth and dignity.

 

I spent many years believing the myth of perfection and the myth of independence. The self-made person. Yet, if you examine this idea that we are self-made or can buy our way to happiness, we realise how flawed this vision is. Indeed, how life denying it can be. For, it is a belief that contradicts reality. The reality that we, matter and energy are intrinsically and fundamentally bound together. The reality that who we presume we are is the product of many others who came before or who are with us. The reality that even our own conception is the result of other people. 

 

In this sense, we are one with many in more ways than we think. And, this is the essence of the helplessness I speak of here. The helplessness that exposes us to our inevitable dependence and vulnerability. A helplessness that doesn’t weaken us through despair and self-hate. Rather, a helplessness that opens our awareness to our humanity, to our basic connection to persons in the whole universe. A helplessness beyond scientific rationality or religious dogma. But the pure helplessness of a child who knows that he or she is indebted to all those around him or her for all she or he has. And it’s not a case of creating idols or worshipping those who help or support life.

 

It’s a helplessness that gives one permission to acknowledge one’s limits. That, while one should work to better one’s life and the life of others, failure is inevitable. Indeed, not even success can be ever guaranteed. It is with this awareness that I left my meditative state. It is this realisation that I need to live in appreciation of a  life more as I faced another day. It’s a recognition that I have come to expect so much from life that I missed how unique it was. How every day, I am going against all odds to go on and, in spite of all difficulties, I am still managing to prevail. Not out of any personal act of will but because I have been thrown in this life..

Now, as I end this entry, I realise that the sense of peace I had throughout the ay following my meditation is no longer present. It seemed to have waned. Yet, this should be another lesson I guess. For, in an attempt to capture the mystery of the moment, I have lost its spirit. I did the same thing a trophy hunter does. In an attempt to capture the life and force of a gracious lion, he shoots it and stuffs the dead lion to enjoy it in his private quarters and show it off to friends. But, then, he also kills the very thing he sought to preserve.

 

I, you and everyone has been given something unique without having deserved it. It’s up to you whether you believe that God or any other entity or force gave you this life. It’s not even that important whether you believe in another life after this - although it is a worthwhile thing to hope for. The reality is that we are living today. Tomorrow is, as I said before, only a promise and an unknown space in the future.

 

Today, is what we know we have. This moment in time that is possible only because of a network of causes and conditions (mostly beyond our  control. Not only do we owe our survival to others beyond ourselves, but may also have to admit that who we are only exists in the present context.

 

We are helpless, dependent and vulnerable in the present moment.

 

We are  also human with our limitations of knowing and doing.

 

But, in spite of all this, we are not helpless, useless or worthless.

 

Not if we are prepared to see each others as ourselves and be prepared to go beyond our own self-importance.

 

For, it might be too late before we realise that, like a joyous feeling, we are faced with the end. , realise that we have gone through this experience without really being aware of what we were actually living. 

 

And, wouldn’t that be tragic to realise that we have pursued a life avoiding the present moment hoping for the future that appeared to have no end.

 

But, alas, it had an end. Like this entry. 

The Call of Compassion

I wasn’t planning to write a post today on this blog. However, I felt that circumstances have conspired against me and I am now compelled to write. I don’t really know why. You see, since today was a day off work, I had made plans on how to spend the day. I did manage to do some of the things I planned for the morning but at around 11am my plans had to change. I fell from my wheelchair and fell on the floor on my back. Well, I might have been a comic site as I think I looked like a tortoise who fell on its back and couldn’t move but had to scream for help to be assisted back to my chair.

I am still unable to move that much now. Not that I ever move that much. But, yes, the pain is there and I can’t ignore it when I move. I am resting and I think that I need to get a good rest if I realistically want to work tomorrow. Believe me, I felt bad about all this and I was just getting better from a recent back problem! Yet, I have to say that this injury has forced me to take a break from my plans and dedicate some time to good meditation. I thought it would help me relax and deal with the many emotions that were arising within me. I feel that this daily practice is helping me to put things in a wider perspective,. For, even if my physical injury was a great concern to me, I knew that right now people from around the world are suffering more than I could ever imagine. Not that I’m implying that I’m in anyway better than them but I felt that I should appreciate the present moment, pain or no pain.

I felt that this moment of pain should be a moment to reflect on others who are facing difficult situations. I felt that any suffering I had was simply part of the human experience. Although not nice or pleasant, it can be an occasion where we grow as human beings. It’s an event that forces us to consider our vulnerability as living beings. It makes us more aware that we remain fragile to the elements and are really helpless if you consider all the things we depend on to live. Things we take for granted.

I have often been, as a disabled person, on the other side of the fence. When I was being helped or assisted. However, inasmuch as those who helped me had good intentions, they seemed to look at me as an object of pity. I was not an equal but, alas, less fortunate. I felt diminished as a human being and reduced to a subject of charity. Now, I fear this kind of ‘charity’ is not really the thing. For, an approach to helping others which starts off with the assumption that who you are helping is worse off than you, already creates a barrier of sorts between yourself and the other. . For, as you find in both Buddhist and Christian traditions, charity is not about what you have done or are doing but rather about your motivation behind your act of charity.

For, if you help me out of pity, you’re not acting out of charity. You’re not acting with compassion. You would be acting out of pride or an interest to improve your public image. In this sense, a the call of compassion demands of us to take off our own selves and respond to another person as a human being like us. It requires of us to treat another as a human being. It’s that simple. The difficulty arises when, because of the way we have grown to regard our status in the world, we perceive others who may be different from us on many levels as not really worthy human beings, or at best, lower than us.

That’s why, even if I hope that my pain goes away soon, I am grateful for this opportunity. Not because I enjoy being in pain but that this experience has reminded, me once again, of how easy it’s to forget our human reality. Howe easy it is to forget to be compassionate to others simply because we are too caught up in our private worlds.

How easy it is for us to deny our common humanity.

More than the Sum of my Parts

I don’t know what happened since I turned 30. The way I view the world and, I dare say, who I am, has undergone profound changes. I could try to explain what I’m feeling right now but I have noticed the change. I seem to have found something that was long lost. It’s like I have met an old friend. It feels as if I ham back home. I don’t even know where you’re reading this. I guess I posted this it on my two main blogs. But, then, these blogs only reflect an aspect of my identity. Or, really, my ideas about who I am. For while in ZoneMind, I express my discovery of the richness of the Buddhist tradition and try to capture my experience as I embark on a lifelong journey of self-discovery and on my practice of meditation.. And, on my other blog, the D-Zone, I express my point of view as a disabled activist.

But, now, I wonder about whether people reading just one blog will get a whole picture of who I am. Indeed, we tend to know people in terms of the positions they hold, the jobs they perform, their income, their religion or in terms of the group they represent. The risk is that by seeing people in terms of categories and concepts,we miss the whole picture. We miss to acknowledge their humanity and their dignity. By setting them in a language of difference, we have the tendency to stereotype them and by doing so, defile their dignity.

Until now, I presented who I am to the world in many ways. To my friends, I don’t behave the same way I would do with my family or with my parents for that matter. But, am I being less authentic when I take up these different, sometimes inconsistent, identities?

Yes and no. For, I believe that we must adapt to the particular audience or person we are relating to. You wouldn’t speak to your boss in the same way you would talk to your ten year old nephew.

But, at the same time, I believe that there’s a certain authenticity that you need to respect and cultivate. I have come to a hard time in my life where I’m at the crossroads.

I am happy with my discovery of a forgotten sense of belonging to a wider humanity. Yet, I recognise that I have chosen to define myself in definite terms - even if my intention was to claim my belonging to the world, I realise that I built more walls and barriers.

Truly, I am confused because I am not sure what to do next. Yet, I have a clarity of purpose.

I have the location but no map to guide me.

I am lost but feel found. I ask myself questions about my current purpose and whether I can ever find the completeness I feel inside fully present on the outside.

I continue to meditate. I try to cultivate compassion and genuine love. I also fail and fail. But I want to keep trying. I don’t feel that any other choice would be as fulfilling as that. I know that I will never achieve a state of uninterrupted happiness in this life but happiness I will strive for. I have defined myself as a ‘disabled person’ here and elsewhere. I remain disabled in the sense that society still raises barriers of structure and attitude that shout at me: Keep Out! Yet, I confess, I did erect my own barriers by using my difference as a weapon to emphasise my separateness.

When, in truth, my aim was the opposite. I wanted to belong. But, in the process, I sought to belong for the wrong reasons. I spent part of my childhood with a need to define myself in terms of intelligence and IQ. Perhaps I wanted to escape my disappointment for being labelled as different, as other, because a mobility problem. Because I walked differently. Because I looked, in some way, strange. Yes, I wanted to belong. But I thought I could feel special if I set myself apart, better and higher than all the rest!

Have I committed the same mistake when I grew attached to a new identity, however positive? Am I today, by remaining in the social position I held before, being inauthentic to my core being? Is it time for a change? I think that if I want to be completely honest with myself, I have to say yes…

Yes!

Indeed, I might Have , unknowingly, fragmented my identity in neatly separate boxes, wen I felt inside that I was, as I had discovered in Gestalt and Buddhism, more than the sum of my parts? Is change necessary? I feel I have a commitment to who I am. I need to reclaim my full humanity. I need to manifest my humanity.

I need to reach out to the world, because we are interconnected to each other. We are separate but united. We are divided yet joined. We are unique yet the same. We remain human.

Born of a mother, prone to illness and old age. We can die at any moment.

I have to be what I was always meant to be.

This might be the most important purpose of my life.

To be authentic to my being.

To be fully human.

To be open to the world.

To be who I am!

Nine Haikus in Memory of David

1
The star of David.,
The light of my dead brother
Whom I never knew.

2
It shines still today
During my darkest hours
Bringing back a hope.

3
Not to be afraid
To question what people say,
For life is vanity.

4
Life comes and it goes,
Our bodies deteriorate
And our minds do too.

5
David, where are you?
You died before I could know
What death really meant.

6
I never forgot
You were one day here with us.
But I never knew.

7
I still search for you
In my own ways I still seek you
My unknown brother.

8
Yes, I was too young.
To remember who you were..
Or get to know you

9
Your are the reason
I never stopped asking "Why?".
You're my guiding star.

The Human Connection

I managed to spend last Wednesday resting and dedicating my time thinking about life and how I fit in the world. It was a day of rest but this doesn’t mean that I spent the day doing nothing and lingering in bed. Indeed, when I spent time meditating or paying attention to all I did, I couldn’t help noticing that there were thoughts and feelings that emerged that weren’t so peaceful.

 

While we associate silence with peace and tranquility, a moment of silence can trigger an inner revolt that, at times, can bring to our awareness our best or our worse qualities. At least, this was my experience. It can get uncomfortable when you come face-to-face with all the bad things that seem to rise out of your mind. But, I think, it’s important for us to know that these thoughts that have accumulated inside are there. This prepares us when we are in a position to act.

 

I also realised that only a fool tries to deny his or her humanity. For all that we have accumulated in terms of knowledge and wisdom is inseparable from our being human. Not even hard science, which often claims to be objective, can escape the fact that even science cannot escape what I shall call the “human connection”. After all, we use our senses to interpret the world. Technology has permitted to access realities that we couldn’t access before due to our senses.

 

Technology that enables us to look at or listen to galaxies far away. Technology that enables us to study the microscopic and subatomic. Before, we would never imagined there could exist such realities so immense and so miniscule. Indeed, we would be excused for believing that such things didn’t exist at all. But, inasmuch as we progress in technology or scientific understanding, we remain bound to our humanity. The fact that we cannot escape our material being. The fact that whatever we produce remains limited by our body and mind.

 

Indeed, If you think about it, no area of human endeavour can escape this fact that whatever we have or build arises out of a complex relation between us and the world that is mediated through our body and mind. And, however efficient these might be in making sense of the world, they remain limited. Thus, if we hold on the idea that our reality is the only valid one, we risk misunderstanding what reality is. We fail to acknowledge that our view of the world is but one way of looking at things. However, the greatest danger is that in excluding other points of view, we also forget our basic humanity. And when that happens, we can expect  disaster for all of us.

 

So we create a politics preoccupied with votes and power, a science lacking respect for human dignity, an economy that puts money before ecology, a philosophy that condemns us to nihilism and a religion more preoccupied with rites and rituals than rekindling the human spirit.

 

This is what happens when we close ourselves to a restricted world view and one that denies our basic interdependence. It’s a world that by excluding our human connections to it, slowly conspires for our destruction.

 

Yes, this appears to be a rather gloomy post. However, I am convinced that even the most painful experiences have taught me something about who I am. I try to hold on to my commitment to grow as a human being every day. Yes, it’s sometimes good to stop what you’re doing for a while and really reflect on why you’re doing it. For, otherwise, you would be living without purpose and be unprepared when you are desperately seeking answers. When you’re in much need of hope and direction.

 

And, whoever we are, we need to remember that our life is only possible thanks to the contribution of so many people. I admit that I keep returning to that point. Forgive me for that but the more I think about it, this reality of my  human connection restores my hopes and faith that if we work together for a world that embraces the human spirit, we may be still in time to save lives and, ultimately,  our planet.

A Return Home - Part 2

Continued from Part 1

Today, I may say that I’ve returned home - even if I’ll soon be moving on - it’s still currently my home. But, in truth, this is only my temporary home. It may not be even be my real home. For when I leave this life, I have to give up all I have come to know as a human being.

Then, after my body dies, will I return to my authentic home?

Will I find my refuge?

Perhaps I have already found it...

One thing appears clear. My outlook on life has changed again. I'm sure it will change again in the future. I have grown to appreciate more what I learned from this ongoing journey of self-discovery and comprehend better what the Buddha and other great spiritual figures such as Jesus were saying.

That living a good life or finding happiness meant that we have to die for ourselves. That, no matter what society says or thinks, we can only gain if we lose our attachment to the self and objects that don't last but open our heart and mind to the other and to a world far greater than we are.

To lose ourselves to a universe so immense and mysterious that removes from us any pretensions that we are, in any way, the greatest gift to humanity.

This doesn't mean that we despair and indulge in self-loathing or give up on life. On the contrary, it's an invitation to be happy and discover a peace that is beyond our imagination and expectation.

We'll return to our real home.

A home where we are free.

A home that no one or nothing can destroy.

A place of refuge.

A Return Home? - Part 1

Yesterday, I was discharged from hospital - thus ending my stay in hospital. When I got out for the first time, I felt that the world around me looked different. The sun would soon be setting in a few hours but I could just make out the buildings and streets we had to pass through as I made my way back home.

I was struck by the fact that even if I have travelled this way before so many times, I wasn’t really noticing what was around me before. It was like awakening from a bad dream. Life became so vibrant... So real! I was a witness to what I was sensing without judging or conceptualising what I was perceiving.

I felt rested and appreciated being in silence. Admittedly, the last week at hospital where I had to share a room were particularly hard on me and I didn’t get a lot of sleep at night. I was surprised by how much commotion and noise there could be at times and then, silence. Indeed, hospital is a place of extremes.

I witnessed the best and the worse of human nature. Nursing staff who treated patients with dignity and respect. Others who could be cruel and insensitive to the pain of the other. There were words of kindness and words uttered aimed only to shame and humiliate. Words aimed to dominate and belittle another.

Believe me, I tried to rationalise the ugly things that happened but I couldn’t really excuse such acts of inhumanity.

Of course, these actions were few and far between but that doesn’t reduce their ugliness. I know that there is a lot of stress and frustration involved with working in an environment where you’re constantly seeing disease, death and social problems. Yet, there are those who rise up to the challenge and manage to comfort and genuinely help those In need. Perhaps, it is in people like this that I retain my hope in the basic goodness of human beings.

For, after all, I am also a human being seeking that happiness and freedom from suffering we all are seeking. Unfortunately, we do sometimes end up hurting or harming others because we forget that we are part of the same human family. We forget that we are also the sons and daughters of the Earth and depend on it for our survival. We forget that we are also the offspring of the universe which has given us our mind and bodies.

Continues...