I don’t know what happened since I turned 30. The way I view the world and, I dare say, who I am, has undergone profound changes. I could try to explain what I’m feeling right now but I have noticed the change. I seem to have found something that was long lost. It’s like I have met an old friend. It feels as if I ham back home. I don’t even know where you’re reading this. I guess I posted this it on my two main blogs. But, then, these blogs only reflect an aspect of my identity. Or, really, my ideas about who I am. For while in ZoneMind, I express my discovery of the richness of the Buddhist tradition and try to capture my experience as I embark on a lifelong journey of self-discovery and on my practice of meditation.. And, on my other blog, the D-Zone, I express my point of view as a disabled activist.
But, now, I wonder about whether people reading just one blog will get a whole picture of who I am. Indeed, we tend to know people in terms of the positions they hold, the jobs they perform, their income, their religion or in terms of the group they represent. The risk is that by seeing people in terms of categories and concepts,we miss the whole picture. We miss to acknowledge their humanity and their dignity. By setting them in a language of difference, we have the tendency to stereotype them and by doing so, defile their dignity.
Until now, I presented who I am to the world in many ways. To my friends, I don’t behave the same way I would do with my family or with my parents for that matter. But, am I being less authentic when I take up these different, sometimes inconsistent, identities?
Yes and no. For, I believe that we must adapt to the particular audience or person we are relating to. You wouldn’t speak to your boss in the same way you would talk to your ten year old nephew.
But, at the same time, I believe that there’s a certain authenticity that you need to respect and cultivate. I have come to a hard time in my life where I’m at the crossroads.
I am happy with my discovery of a forgotten sense of belonging to a wider humanity. Yet, I recognise that I have chosen to define myself in definite terms - even if my intention was to claim my belonging to the world, I realise that I built more walls and barriers.
Truly, I am confused because I am not sure what to do next. Yet, I have a clarity of purpose.
I have the location but no map to guide me.
I am lost but feel found. I ask myself questions about my current purpose and whether I can ever find the completeness I feel inside fully present on the outside.
I continue to meditate. I try to cultivate compassion and genuine love. I also fail and fail. But I want to keep trying. I don’t feel that any other choice would be as fulfilling as that. I know that I will never achieve a state of uninterrupted happiness in this life but happiness I will strive for. I have defined myself as a ‘disabled person’ here and elsewhere. I remain disabled in the sense that society still raises barriers of structure and attitude that shout at me: Keep Out! Yet, I confess, I did erect my own barriers by using my difference as a weapon to emphasise my separateness.
When, in truth, my aim was the opposite. I wanted to belong. But, in the process, I sought to belong for the wrong reasons. I spent part of my childhood with a need to define myself in terms of intelligence and IQ. Perhaps I wanted to escape my disappointment for being labelled as different, as other, because a mobility problem. Because I walked differently. Because I looked, in some way, strange. Yes, I wanted to belong. But I thought I could feel special if I set myself apart, better and higher than all the rest!
Have I committed the same mistake when I grew attached to a new identity, however positive? Am I today, by remaining in the social position I held before, being inauthentic to my core being? Is it time for a change? I think that if I want to be completely honest with myself, I have to say yes…
Yes!
Indeed, I might Have , unknowingly, fragmented my identity in neatly separate boxes, wen I felt inside that I was, as I had discovered in Gestalt and Buddhism, more than the sum of my parts? Is change necessary? I feel I have a commitment to who I am. I need to reclaim my full humanity. I need to manifest my humanity.
I need to reach out to the world, because we are interconnected to each other. We are separate but united. We are divided yet joined. We are unique yet the same. We remain human.
Born of a mother, prone to illness and old age. We can die at any moment.
I have to be what I was always meant to be.
This might be the most important purpose of my life.
To be authentic to my being.
To be fully human.
To be open to the world.
To be who I am!
Showing posts with label difference. Show all posts
Showing posts with label difference. Show all posts
Saturday, June 9, 2012
More than the Sum of my Parts
Sunday, May 27, 2012
A Forgotten Childhood?
As a young boy, I was curious to know about how the world worked. I also wanted to know what life was all about. I wanted to know to gain a kind of closure and some answers to the question of why I had an impairment, when other boys my age were considered “normal” and “healthy”. I just didn’t understand why the God the priests praised so much on the altar who was so kind and loving had punished me from birth. Surely, I had done something really awful. I was a bad child of God and had to accept my fate without question. Indeed, I needed to redeem myself. If I think about it, my impairment back then was not as severe as it is today. True, I couldn’t bend my legs straight and my gait, which was described by a doctor in one medical report was a “scissor’s gait” was close enough to reality. I could still walk and run at the time but still it bothered me that in spite of what I did, I was different in eyes of others.
With all good intentions, even those close to me wanted me to become “normal” and within a culture very influenced by religious sentimentality, I was prayed on and loved ones hoped for a “miracle” to happen. I was happy as a child but I was also unhappy. For whatever I did and any efforts I made I couldn’t become “normal”. Yes, that! What was more troubling was that I identified on some level with Satan. Hadn’t be also rejected from God and cast away to an eternal torment. But, unlike Satan, I was determined to return in God’s good books. But at around 8, I started experiencing the reality outside of the safety of the home. I met new people and different children. Many looked at me through their presumptions about my physical impairment and told me that I “inspired” them and given that troubling reassurance that I was bearing the “cross of Christ”. When I felt no different than other kids my age. But, in a way, I was.
The fact was that I was made to think. I dared to doubt. And, while a spiritual revolution was taking place in my mind, I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t articulate it in a way others could understand it. I sought refuge in trying to find answers beyond me. I wanted to knoW WHY. wHY HAD MY BROTHER DIED BEFORE I COULD GET TO KNOW HIM? Why I was born this way? Why was God angry at me? Was I a saint walking on the footsteps of Christ or a sinner bearing the torment of a banished hell angel? Yes, I was happy then. But there was always that foreknowing that this life will end. And then what will become of me? And was there a God any way? Or were we at the mercy of a God who was like those Greek gods I read in some of my books that toyed around with human BEINGS AS IF THEY WERE PAWNS ON CHESS BOARD?
I THOUGHT AND THOUGHT. DURING THOSE COLD WINTER NIGHTS WHEN I LOOKED WITH AWE AT THE DARK SKY TINTED WITH SILVER STARS. THE SAME STARS THE ANCIENT EGYPTIANS HAD STUDIED A THOUSAND YEARS AGO. THE SAME STARS THAT THE BIBLE SAYS HERALDED THE BIRTH OF THE JEWISH MESSIAH. THE SAME STARS THAT GUIDED SO MANY SEAFARERS. I was connected then with the past I shared with my ancestors. The same stars that were there at the beginning of the cosmos. The same stars but not yet the same. These are still stars that may not all be there today as their light takes millions of years to reach us. Stars are a connection with the past that is no longer there.
For a young boy, these thoughts were overwhelming. So many questions. So few answers. Many of which were incomplete or beyond my understanding. And yet, nobody in my life seemed to be asking why? People who claimed they were “people of faith” appeared to be interested in winning a place in heaven and saving their lives rather than living the spirit of love and compassion and reflecting on their lives. They weren’t asking about the wonders of this universe we find ourselves in. They weren’t asking themselves why they were the lucky ones to live on Earth in the first place.
But, yes, they were interested in making more money and searching for happiness in things that never lasted. Even their aspiration to gain heaven was motivated by a hope to experience pleasure and freedom from pain. Bt they forgot that heaven was now. What happens in the future is beyond our control. It’s only now that we can change the world. It’s only now that we can change ourselves. And, yes, I gradually became the adult I feared to become as a child. True, I tended to more open to different people because, I myself, had been judged simply for being different. Yet, many of those early attachments that I hoped to never acquire, I did acquire. So, I can’t really judge.
I may choose to go deeper into my past but I am restricted by time and space.I just wanted to share these memories as I keep growing in self-awareness. As I said in early posts, I am now on a journey of self-discovery. I am engaging more in Buddhist practice. I feel a sense of peace and happiness that I can’t really express using language. But, it’s there and it’s changing my life. For the better. I don’t expect for you to understand and I certainly don’t write to convert anyone to Buddhism and to take up a daily practice of meditation and mindfulness. I am just writing after reflecting on my own experience of life. At that, my experience of life is very limited when compared to the what one can experience in the longest of human lifetimes. It is also infinitesimal if you compare it to the age of the cosmos. But, yet, as insignificant as it might be, this life is really the only thing I have.
I end this entry here hoping. Hoping that tomorrow will come. That I will be still alive tomorrow. That the Earth will be here tomorrow. That those around me are still there with me. But there’s always the possibility of change. A change that isn’t necessarily bad but, at times, also necessary if we are to continue living. Yet, tomorrow remains only a hope and whether you’re a believer or non-believer, we all hold an irrational faith in a tomorrow.
With all good intentions, even those close to me wanted me to become “normal” and within a culture very influenced by religious sentimentality, I was prayed on and loved ones hoped for a “miracle” to happen. I was happy as a child but I was also unhappy. For whatever I did and any efforts I made I couldn’t become “normal”. Yes, that! What was more troubling was that I identified on some level with Satan. Hadn’t be also rejected from God and cast away to an eternal torment. But, unlike Satan, I was determined to return in God’s good books. But at around 8, I started experiencing the reality outside of the safety of the home. I met new people and different children. Many looked at me through their presumptions about my physical impairment and told me that I “inspired” them and given that troubling reassurance that I was bearing the “cross of Christ”. When I felt no different than other kids my age. But, in a way, I was.
The fact was that I was made to think. I dared to doubt. And, while a spiritual revolution was taking place in my mind, I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t articulate it in a way others could understand it. I sought refuge in trying to find answers beyond me. I wanted to knoW WHY. wHY HAD MY BROTHER DIED BEFORE I COULD GET TO KNOW HIM? Why I was born this way? Why was God angry at me? Was I a saint walking on the footsteps of Christ or a sinner bearing the torment of a banished hell angel? Yes, I was happy then. But there was always that foreknowing that this life will end. And then what will become of me? And was there a God any way? Or were we at the mercy of a God who was like those Greek gods I read in some of my books that toyed around with human BEINGS AS IF THEY WERE PAWNS ON CHESS BOARD?
I THOUGHT AND THOUGHT. DURING THOSE COLD WINTER NIGHTS WHEN I LOOKED WITH AWE AT THE DARK SKY TINTED WITH SILVER STARS. THE SAME STARS THE ANCIENT EGYPTIANS HAD STUDIED A THOUSAND YEARS AGO. THE SAME STARS THAT THE BIBLE SAYS HERALDED THE BIRTH OF THE JEWISH MESSIAH. THE SAME STARS THAT GUIDED SO MANY SEAFARERS. I was connected then with the past I shared with my ancestors. The same stars that were there at the beginning of the cosmos. The same stars but not yet the same. These are still stars that may not all be there today as their light takes millions of years to reach us. Stars are a connection with the past that is no longer there.
For a young boy, these thoughts were overwhelming. So many questions. So few answers. Many of which were incomplete or beyond my understanding. And yet, nobody in my life seemed to be asking why? People who claimed they were “people of faith” appeared to be interested in winning a place in heaven and saving their lives rather than living the spirit of love and compassion and reflecting on their lives. They weren’t asking about the wonders of this universe we find ourselves in. They weren’t asking themselves why they were the lucky ones to live on Earth in the first place.
But, yes, they were interested in making more money and searching for happiness in things that never lasted. Even their aspiration to gain heaven was motivated by a hope to experience pleasure and freedom from pain. Bt they forgot that heaven was now. What happens in the future is beyond our control. It’s only now that we can change the world. It’s only now that we can change ourselves. And, yes, I gradually became the adult I feared to become as a child. True, I tended to more open to different people because, I myself, had been judged simply for being different. Yet, many of those early attachments that I hoped to never acquire, I did acquire. So, I can’t really judge.
I may choose to go deeper into my past but I am restricted by time and space.I just wanted to share these memories as I keep growing in self-awareness. As I said in early posts, I am now on a journey of self-discovery. I am engaging more in Buddhist practice. I feel a sense of peace and happiness that I can’t really express using language. But, it’s there and it’s changing my life. For the better. I don’t expect for you to understand and I certainly don’t write to convert anyone to Buddhism and to take up a daily practice of meditation and mindfulness. I am just writing after reflecting on my own experience of life. At that, my experience of life is very limited when compared to the what one can experience in the longest of human lifetimes. It is also infinitesimal if you compare it to the age of the cosmos. But, yet, as insignificant as it might be, this life is really the only thing I have.
I end this entry here hoping. Hoping that tomorrow will come. That I will be still alive tomorrow. That the Earth will be here tomorrow. That those around me are still there with me. But there’s always the possibility of change. A change that isn’t necessarily bad but, at times, also necessary if we are to continue living. Yet, tomorrow remains only a hope and whether you’re a believer or non-believer, we all hold an irrational faith in a tomorrow.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Visions of Tomorrow
I’m writing this on a quiet Saturday morning. I plan to publish it tomorrow. And unless, something went wrong, you’re probably reading this on Sunday - but not before. I had a good night of rest but I went to sleep with a feeling of sadness and uncertainty following last night’s meditation. T the time of writing, yesterday was Friday May 2012. But what does this date really mean?
Yes, I sometimes lose the sense of time. Whenever that happens, it’s always rather unsettling. Perhaps I’m getting old but should this be happening when I’m still 31? But, I guess that my experience of life is unique to me. Yet, at the same time, my life as a human being shares with you many common realities. The differences that separate me from you, indeed, are mostly artificial and secondary. Our position on Earth exposes us to the same challenges of life. Our needs are similar. The only differences are, in many cases, a result of our own preconceptions and models of how the world works that are fabricated by our minds.
I am still disturbed by what came up during my meditation. I will have to reflect more on its significance. I hope to be able to write an entry or two in the future. Yet, tomorrow I will be changed person as I wake up to a new day. I may not even be here tomorrow. Then, who would have written this? I will be just not here and, honestly, I don’t know where I would be. For tomorrow is only a thought only exists in our minds. It isn’t real in the sense that it is not tangible and, in truth, it is unreal. The only thing I can be sure of is that today I’m still alive and in relatively good health. I don’t know whether I’ll be around tomorrow. Granted, there’s a good probability that I’ll be here. But, still, my knowledge is limited. What tells me that a catastrophic event will hit Earth?
I don’t know. While one may be tempted to live in fear of the end, I have come to realise that death is ultimately our final destination. We may believe there’s an after-life awaiting us but there’s no certainty that another reality beyond this life exists. What I really have is the present moment. Thus, even if I still fail in this, as I grow in mindfulness, the more I have come to appreciate the present moment as a gift that I have been given without really doing anything to deserve it.
And, whatever the future will bring, I will try to be open to this unique opportunity to live for another day...
Friday, May 4, 2012
A Disability Activist and a Buddhist at Heart
When I started blogging on the Gordon's D-Zone, I intended this blog to deal with the issue of disability as I developed my understanding of disability from a social model perspective. I retain my commitment to the cause of disabled people worldwide. I do so both as an activist and as a disabled person myself. I don't think that I will retire from this struggle for inclusion and equality until society acknowledges that people with impairment, like myself, are part of society and takes our differences into account.
Having said that, my life has led me to appreciate different things and over time I have explored various areas and developed new interests. However, my involvement in disability activism is motivated by a desire to be included as a person and as an equal to others. I want to see, for example, a philosophy that celebrates human diversity rather than one attached to certain ideals of bodily perfection. Or else, a science which doesn't assume that impairment necessarily causes a drop in one's quality off life or tries to psychologically scrutinise our minds making claims that dealing with impairment and bereavement are, in any way, similar. I also wish that I was included as a person in religion and spirituality which sometimes have used our impaired bodies as a metaphor for sin or evil.
I have recently been admitted to hospital and, to be honest, I am still facing health issues lately. I thought it wasn't appropriate to write about this on this blog given the tendency for impairment to be associated with suffering. But, I admit, the hospital experiences I had over the last six months have led me to ask a lot of questions and delve deeper into my spiritual side. Indeed, I have been questioning the purpose of life for some months and I confess I found solace in Buddhism. Indeed, I feel that I can relate to the Buddhist outlook on life. I can't really explain it, but I feel connected to Buddhism more than I ever felt before with any world view or philosophy. I am now confident enough to be more open about it and, finally, I thought that I needed to express it on this blog - which was where my blogging all started.
It may not be the best time to express my Buddhist confession - given it's Easter and I was brought up as a Roman Catholic. However, my embracing of a Buddhist mindset isn't a declaration where I reject all I have learned as a Roman Catholic. Indeed, I have come to appreciate the richness of both Christianity and Buddhism. This "awakening" so to speak is a personal one. I don't want anyone to follow any path that they feel goes against their religious (or other) convictions. Indeed, I will surely discover more aspects to who I am as the years pass., Life is a process and not a closed book.
Tomorrow, Christians around the world celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. In some respects, this is also an awakening. It's a renewal. Yet, the miracle of this event is, I think, that it offers hope to all of us as it illustrates that even death hasn't got the final say. Some of you might doubt whether there is an after-life or claim to be non-believers. Yes, no one has concrete proof that there's life after death or if there's anything beyond this life. The Buddha teaches us to be aware of the present moment because, in reality, our pasts are but a memory and the future is yet to be. At least, that's my interpretation. In the Buddha's outlook on life, the only thing that we can change is the present and the only person we can truly manage is ourselves. Our suffering is caused by our clinging to things that are really temporary. Well, there's my Buddhist thoughts flowing.
If you're interested to read about my journey into Buddhism, please refer to my "Buddhist" blog at ZoneMind. I assure you that I'll continue writing here from the perspective of a disability activist.
However, at this stage, I wanted to be open about my realisation because a Buddhist understanding is now part of who I am.
Having said that, my life has led me to appreciate different things and over time I have explored various areas and developed new interests. However, my involvement in disability activism is motivated by a desire to be included as a person and as an equal to others. I want to see, for example, a philosophy that celebrates human diversity rather than one attached to certain ideals of bodily perfection. Or else, a science which doesn't assume that impairment necessarily causes a drop in one's quality off life or tries to psychologically scrutinise our minds making claims that dealing with impairment and bereavement are, in any way, similar. I also wish that I was included as a person in religion and spirituality which sometimes have used our impaired bodies as a metaphor for sin or evil.
I have recently been admitted to hospital and, to be honest, I am still facing health issues lately. I thought it wasn't appropriate to write about this on this blog given the tendency for impairment to be associated with suffering. But, I admit, the hospital experiences I had over the last six months have led me to ask a lot of questions and delve deeper into my spiritual side. Indeed, I have been questioning the purpose of life for some months and I confess I found solace in Buddhism. Indeed, I feel that I can relate to the Buddhist outlook on life. I can't really explain it, but I feel connected to Buddhism more than I ever felt before with any world view or philosophy. I am now confident enough to be more open about it and, finally, I thought that I needed to express it on this blog - which was where my blogging all started.
It may not be the best time to express my Buddhist confession - given it's Easter and I was brought up as a Roman Catholic. However, my embracing of a Buddhist mindset isn't a declaration where I reject all I have learned as a Roman Catholic. Indeed, I have come to appreciate the richness of both Christianity and Buddhism. This "awakening" so to speak is a personal one. I don't want anyone to follow any path that they feel goes against their religious (or other) convictions. Indeed, I will surely discover more aspects to who I am as the years pass., Life is a process and not a closed book.
Tomorrow, Christians around the world celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. In some respects, this is also an awakening. It's a renewal. Yet, the miracle of this event is, I think, that it offers hope to all of us as it illustrates that even death hasn't got the final say. Some of you might doubt whether there is an after-life or claim to be non-believers. Yes, no one has concrete proof that there's life after death or if there's anything beyond this life. The Buddha teaches us to be aware of the present moment because, in reality, our pasts are but a memory and the future is yet to be. At least, that's my interpretation. In the Buddha's outlook on life, the only thing that we can change is the present and the only person we can truly manage is ourselves. Our suffering is caused by our clinging to things that are really temporary. Well, there's my Buddhist thoughts flowing.
If you're interested to read about my journey into Buddhism, please refer to my "Buddhist" blog at ZoneMind. I assure you that I'll continue writing here from the perspective of a disability activist.
However, at this stage, I wanted to be open about my realisation because a Buddhist understanding is now part of who I am.
More Information
Above, , I've included an entry that I published on one of the other blogs I contribute to. While in this blog, Gordon's D-Zone, I deal with issues that relate to my experience as a disabled person, I decided to rite this post in order to reveal a part of who I am that I'm discovering through my engagement with Buddhism and which many people would be unaware of. Indeed, in this entry, I tried to express how I am feel today and to raise awareness of the fact that, ultimately, my realisation is that, that of the day, I want to be treated as a human being as much as anyone else and that this also involves going beyond simply acceptingg our differences but going as far as celebrating them as part of our human diversity. Well, hope you enjoy!!!GET IN TOUCH!
Feel free to leave your comments below or if you prefer, contact me via twitter or vii a e-mailMonday, January 30, 2012
Star Gazer: Commentary
In my last post, I composed the first haiku for this blog. The haiku entitled “Star Gazer” sought to capture that sense of awe and wonder that a young boy feels on looking at the night sky. It also suggests that the boy feels alone and insignificant in relation to the universe. This haiku emerged out of a meditation on our position in the universe. It’s also semi-autobiographical, as I still have a memory of me as a young boy observing the night sky as an amateur astronomer. Here, I don’t intend to engage into any extensive analysis but I aim this commentary to encourage thought and reflection on the meaning that can be inferred from this haiku.
Let’s look at the first line:
Stars light up the night
This line introduces the setting for the haiku. If you consider the nature of stars and how they appear to us on Earth, you might be forgiven for thinking that they are small specks of light. But, our knowledge about the stars has meant that we know that stars are massive bodies that reside many light years away. In this reality, are we that great as a human race? Shouldn’t we be more humble when we’re so small and powerless in comparison to the strong forces that we find in the universe?
a boy stares above in awe
This second line evokes a sense of wonder expressed particularly by children. Until we grow older, we can still look at the world around us with fresh eyes. Unfortunately, when we grow older, we grow attached to a rigid outlook and lose the ability of perceiving life as it is. In a sense,we build barriers between us and separate people from us on the basis of divergent characteristics - thus failing to recognize our shared humanity and co-dependence.]]
If we're all alone
The last line is structured as if it was a question but it is framed as a statement. There is a certain feeling of uncertainty and doubt as we contemplate our existence in relation to the universe. The point here is that, in spite of the immensity of the universe, which should increase the likelihood of alien life, we are still alone - even if there is also the possibility of an alien life, it seems that there is no other one out there. But, in truth, civilisations have implicitly believed in what are, at first glance, not alien life forms. Of course, I’m talking about God, angels and other divine beings. While we don’t usually regard these beings, if they exist, as alien, they fulfil the non-Earthly attributes of the idea of an alien. While it would be considered heretical to call the divine aliens, the reality is that if these beings exist, then there’s no reason why they can’t be considered aliens. I could argue that point no end I guess but as we come to end of my commentary, there is an equally seriousness about the aloneness of the human species. While I am no stranger to feeling like an outsider, everyone of us risks becoming an alien or stranger to ourselves and to others.
Conclusion
There’s no doubt that the universe compels us to ask a lot of questions about our existence, origins and position in the cosmos. I feel humbled and somewhat lucky for being here, of being alive. Like that boy who used to spend nights observing the night sky, I still wonder why I am here today. What is my purpose here? I still ask what will become of me after my life ends. And it will end. It’s when I think of all the things that I cannot understand and will probably never will in this lifetime that I regret the many times I took life for granted. For whether you believe or not, there’s no doubt that our lives are unique. And about what happens to us after death, well perhaps we will also become a star lighting the night sky. But now, I will do my best to live a good life.
Let’s look at the first line:
Stars light up the night
This line introduces the setting for the haiku. If you consider the nature of stars and how they appear to us on Earth, you might be forgiven for thinking that they are small specks of light. But, our knowledge about the stars has meant that we know that stars are massive bodies that reside many light years away. In this reality, are we that great as a human race? Shouldn’t we be more humble when we’re so small and powerless in comparison to the strong forces that we find in the universe?
a boy stares above in awe
This second line evokes a sense of wonder expressed particularly by children. Until we grow older, we can still look at the world around us with fresh eyes. Unfortunately, when we grow older, we grow attached to a rigid outlook and lose the ability of perceiving life as it is. In a sense,we build barriers between us and separate people from us on the basis of divergent characteristics - thus failing to recognize our shared humanity and co-dependence.]]
If we're all alone
The last line is structured as if it was a question but it is framed as a statement. There is a certain feeling of uncertainty and doubt as we contemplate our existence in relation to the universe. The point here is that, in spite of the immensity of the universe, which should increase the likelihood of alien life, we are still alone - even if there is also the possibility of an alien life, it seems that there is no other one out there. But, in truth, civilisations have implicitly believed in what are, at first glance, not alien life forms. Of course, I’m talking about God, angels and other divine beings. While we don’t usually regard these beings, if they exist, as alien, they fulfil the non-Earthly attributes of the idea of an alien. While it would be considered heretical to call the divine aliens, the reality is that if these beings exist, then there’s no reason why they can’t be considered aliens. I could argue that point no end I guess but as we come to end of my commentary, there is an equally seriousness about the aloneness of the human species. While I am no stranger to feeling like an outsider, everyone of us risks becoming an alien or stranger to ourselves and to others.
Conclusion
There’s no doubt that the universe compels us to ask a lot of questions about our existence, origins and position in the cosmos. I feel humbled and somewhat lucky for being here, of being alive. Like that boy who used to spend nights observing the night sky, I still wonder why I am here today. What is my purpose here? I still ask what will become of me after my life ends. And it will end. It’s when I think of all the things that I cannot understand and will probably never will in this lifetime that I regret the many times I took life for granted. For whether you believe or not, there’s no doubt that our lives are unique. And about what happens to us after death, well perhaps we will also become a star lighting the night sky. But now, I will do my best to live a good life.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Finding Order in Chaos - Part 2
Continued from Part 1
I cannot deny that my first reactions to the changes that happened in my life weren’t the source of pain and anger. Indeed, there were times when I wished that I could return to the person I was before, or that a miracle would happen and my legs straightened like all boys my age. As for the latter, I was alright with the way I walked before I became aware that for some people, the way I walked forced them to think I was somehow less of a human being than they are. In other words, the change that occurred was purely on a mental level and my body hadn’t changed. The self-image I had was shattered and, I feel, that was really the source of pain.
My second experience forced me to learn that my life wasn’t permanent. I saw myself changing from a relatively active teenager to a weaker version of my former self. Not only did I take time to recover but this event changed my outlook on life. Not only was my life finite and impermanent but I didn't recognize who I was anymore. Getting to terms with disease and the prospect of death can put things into perspective.
But as I returned to a normal life (as I knew it),, I slowly, tried putting the past behind and start all over. I thought for a time that I could find order in my life. That I could avoid unpleasant changes and live happily ever after. Life would soon catch up with me. And around 2003, I started having vision problems. I was told it was the side effect of the medication I had to take to keep my other condition stable. Over the years, my vision grew worse until I could only see lights and shadows. It was, I admit, a hard time and I had to change so many things in my life from the way I read to the way I use a computer. Once again, I wasn't the person I was before.
Those reading this might be forgiven for believing that as a visually impaired wheelchair user, my life is of lesser quality than it was before. True, I cannot do some of the things I could do before but I learned a lot about who I am. Or rather, learned that I can never truly know who I was because reality is constantly changing. Not that we shouldn't strive to find order and meaning in our life or fall into relativity. What I am saying is that we shouldn't attach ourselves to a rigid image of who we are because, at the end of the day, we are always changing.
Now, how does difference fit in here? Well, if I think about it, difference is also what reality is about. There's no single thing in the universe that is exactly like another. Since everything is unique, it follows that things may only appear to be the same but, in truth, may be only similar. Even if you took a photo and made two copies of the same photo, the photos themselves are similar but also different. True, they capture an image of the same object but neither is the material which the photo is composed of or their location in space the same. Paradoxically, difference only appears because we can compare things to each other - we have a frame of reference and understand reality through our mind, after perceiving it through our senses. I will return to this idea later on in this blog.
For the time being, I hope that I explained the relation between the ideas of order and chaos and those of change and difference. While we often view change and difference as either undesirable or with a degree of fear, the fact that order emerges out of a process of the mind which provides us with a framework to understand and engage with reality. Yet, I am learning, that attaching ourselves to a set model of what order should or shouldn't be only risks of making our mind and heart closed to new possibilities.
I once thought that my mobility impairment was the source of shame and disappointment. On the other hand, I learned to appreciate different people and tended not to judge other people on appearances. The fact I was close to death made me realize that I had to make the best of this life and preserve each moment I m given. Acquiring a visual impairment has made me aware that there is a different way of living beyond the visual-based reality I had before. I learned to be more appreciative of music and the human voice. Of course, there were times when I forgot all this, but the fact is I have changed and today I am a different person. I wonder, who will I be tomorrow?
I cannot deny that my first reactions to the changes that happened in my life weren’t the source of pain and anger. Indeed, there were times when I wished that I could return to the person I was before, or that a miracle would happen and my legs straightened like all boys my age. As for the latter, I was alright with the way I walked before I became aware that for some people, the way I walked forced them to think I was somehow less of a human being than they are. In other words, the change that occurred was purely on a mental level and my body hadn’t changed. The self-image I had was shattered and, I feel, that was really the source of pain.
My second experience forced me to learn that my life wasn’t permanent. I saw myself changing from a relatively active teenager to a weaker version of my former self. Not only did I take time to recover but this event changed my outlook on life. Not only was my life finite and impermanent but I didn't recognize who I was anymore. Getting to terms with disease and the prospect of death can put things into perspective.
But as I returned to a normal life (as I knew it),, I slowly, tried putting the past behind and start all over. I thought for a time that I could find order in my life. That I could avoid unpleasant changes and live happily ever after. Life would soon catch up with me. And around 2003, I started having vision problems. I was told it was the side effect of the medication I had to take to keep my other condition stable. Over the years, my vision grew worse until I could only see lights and shadows. It was, I admit, a hard time and I had to change so many things in my life from the way I read to the way I use a computer. Once again, I wasn't the person I was before.
Those reading this might be forgiven for believing that as a visually impaired wheelchair user, my life is of lesser quality than it was before. True, I cannot do some of the things I could do before but I learned a lot about who I am. Or rather, learned that I can never truly know who I was because reality is constantly changing. Not that we shouldn't strive to find order and meaning in our life or fall into relativity. What I am saying is that we shouldn't attach ourselves to a rigid image of who we are because, at the end of the day, we are always changing.
Now, how does difference fit in here? Well, if I think about it, difference is also what reality is about. There's no single thing in the universe that is exactly like another. Since everything is unique, it follows that things may only appear to be the same but, in truth, may be only similar. Even if you took a photo and made two copies of the same photo, the photos themselves are similar but also different. True, they capture an image of the same object but neither is the material which the photo is composed of or their location in space the same. Paradoxically, difference only appears because we can compare things to each other - we have a frame of reference and understand reality through our mind, after perceiving it through our senses. I will return to this idea later on in this blog.
For the time being, I hope that I explained the relation between the ideas of order and chaos and those of change and difference. While we often view change and difference as either undesirable or with a degree of fear, the fact that order emerges out of a process of the mind which provides us with a framework to understand and engage with reality. Yet, I am learning, that attaching ourselves to a set model of what order should or shouldn't be only risks of making our mind and heart closed to new possibilities.
I once thought that my mobility impairment was the source of shame and disappointment. On the other hand, I learned to appreciate different people and tended not to judge other people on appearances. The fact I was close to death made me realize that I had to make the best of this life and preserve each moment I m given. Acquiring a visual impairment has made me aware that there is a different way of living beyond the visual-based reality I had before. I learned to be more appreciative of music and the human voice. Of course, there were times when I forgot all this, but the fact is I have changed and today I am a different person. I wonder, who will I be tomorrow?
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Finding Order in Chaos - Part 1
Today, I want to talk more about two aspects of everyday life that I am now understanding better as I reflect on my experience. These are change on the one hand, and difference on the other. Now you may wonder why I entitled this post “Finding Order in Chaos”. After all, we tend to perceive order and chaos as being opposites. But, if you think about it, the concept of “order” is dependent on what we conceive as being unstable or, in some way, not meeting our expectations of how things should be. However, isn’t our idea of “order” based on a pre-conceived idea of a reality that simply doesn’t exist in the real world. Indeed, if you are at all familiar with quantum mechanics, you’ve probably heard that matter smaller than the atom can exist at two places at once. In other words, it can be said that from the chaotic nature of subatomic particles, a complex order emerges. Examples of this order include complex chemical and living organisms. While these complex systems appear orderly, their foundations remain chaotic.
By now, you may be asking:
I don’t pretend to have the answers. I only have an idea that I is based on experience and reflection. To continue with the themes of this post, my idea may change with time and, in fact, I may be arguing in a different way as I grow older. But back to our argument.
Let me tackle the first question. How is change related to what I said in relation to order and chaos? Well, change reminds many people of chaos. Believe me, I can talk about how changes in your life can wreak havoc in your daily affairs. I can think of three major changes in my life that affected - or should I say “affect” - me to this day.
The first was probably when I realized that my physical impairment meant various things to different people. Not only did I was forced to rethink how I looked at myself but I also attempted to hide my difference. The second time was when I was admitted to hospital about 12 years ago with serious bleeding. If I hadn’t received treatment on that fateful summer’s day, I would not be writing this today. Ok, I just wouldn’t. The third experience was when I developed cataracts in both eyes making me legally blind for at least four years. Even if I have been operated on both eyes, I lost one eye and I still have low vision in my right eye.
Continues...
By now, you may be asking:
- How is this related to change?
- What about difference?
I don’t pretend to have the answers. I only have an idea that I is based on experience and reflection. To continue with the themes of this post, my idea may change with time and, in fact, I may be arguing in a different way as I grow older. But back to our argument.
Let me tackle the first question. How is change related to what I said in relation to order and chaos? Well, change reminds many people of chaos. Believe me, I can talk about how changes in your life can wreak havoc in your daily affairs. I can think of three major changes in my life that affected - or should I say “affect” - me to this day.
The first was probably when I realized that my physical impairment meant various things to different people. Not only did I was forced to rethink how I looked at myself but I also attempted to hide my difference. The second time was when I was admitted to hospital about 12 years ago with serious bleeding. If I hadn’t received treatment on that fateful summer’s day, I would not be writing this today. Ok, I just wouldn’t. The third experience was when I developed cataracts in both eyes making me legally blind for at least four years. Even if I have been operated on both eyes, I lost one eye and I still have low vision in my right eye.
Continues...
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