Continued from Part 1
I cannot deny that my first reactions to the changes that happened in my life weren’t the source of pain and anger. Indeed, there were times when I wished that I could return to the person I was before, or that a miracle would happen and my legs straightened like all boys my age. As for the latter, I was alright with the way I walked before I became aware that for some people, the way I walked forced them to think I was somehow less of a human being than they are. In other words, the change that occurred was purely on a mental level and my body hadn’t changed. The self-image I had was shattered and, I feel, that was really the source of pain.
My second experience forced me to learn that my life wasn’t permanent. I saw myself changing from a relatively active teenager to a weaker version of my former self. Not only did I take time to recover but this event changed my outlook on life. Not only was my life finite and impermanent but I didn't recognize who I was anymore. Getting to terms with disease and the prospect of death can put things into perspective.
But as I returned to a normal life (as I knew it),, I slowly, tried putting the past behind and start all over. I thought for a time that I could find order in my life. That I could avoid unpleasant changes and live happily ever after. Life would soon catch up with me. And around 2003, I started having vision problems. I was told it was the side effect of the medication I had to take to keep my other condition stable. Over the years, my vision grew worse until I could only see lights and shadows. It was, I admit, a hard time and I had to change so many things in my life from the way I read to the way I use a computer. Once again, I wasn't the person I was before.
Those reading this might be forgiven for believing that as a visually impaired wheelchair user, my life is of lesser quality than it was before. True, I cannot do some of the things I could do before but I learned a lot about who I am. Or rather, learned that I can never truly know who I was because reality is constantly changing. Not that we shouldn't strive to find order and meaning in our life or fall into relativity. What I am saying is that we shouldn't attach ourselves to a rigid image of who we are because, at the end of the day, we are always changing.
Now, how does difference fit in here? Well, if I think about it, difference is also what reality is about. There's no single thing in the universe that is exactly like another. Since everything is unique, it follows that things may only appear to be the same but, in truth, may be only similar. Even if you took a photo and made two copies of the same photo, the photos themselves are similar but also different. True, they capture an image of the same object but neither is the material which the photo is composed of or their location in space the same. Paradoxically, difference only appears because we can compare things to each other - we have a frame of reference and understand reality through our mind, after perceiving it through our senses. I will return to this idea later on in this blog.
For the time being, I hope that I explained the relation between the ideas of order and chaos and those of change and difference. While we often view change and difference as either undesirable or with a degree of fear, the fact that order emerges out of a process of the mind which provides us with a framework to understand and engage with reality. Yet, I am learning, that attaching ourselves to a set model of what order should or shouldn't be only risks of making our mind and heart closed to new possibilities.
I once thought that my mobility impairment was the source of shame and disappointment. On the other hand, I learned to appreciate different people and tended not to judge other people on appearances. The fact I was close to death made me realize that I had to make the best of this life and preserve each moment I m given. Acquiring a visual impairment has made me aware that there is a different way of living beyond the visual-based reality I had before. I learned to be more appreciative of music and the human voice. Of course, there were times when I forgot all this, but the fact is I have changed and today I am a different person. I wonder, who will I be tomorrow?
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