A Forgotten Childhood?

As a young boy, I was curious to know about how the world worked. I also wanted to know what life was all about. I wanted to know to gain a kind of closure and some answers to the question of why I had an impairment, when other boys my age were considered “normal” and “healthy”. I just didn’t understand why the God the priests praised so much on the altar who was so kind and loving had punished me from birth. Surely, I had done something really awful. I was a bad child of God and had to accept my fate without question. Indeed, I needed to redeem myself. If I think about it, my impairment back then was not as severe as it is today. True, I couldn’t bend my legs straight and my gait, which was described by a doctor in one medical report was a “scissor’s gait” was close enough to reality. I could still walk and run at the time but still it bothered me that in spite of what I did, I was different in eyes of others.

With all good intentions, even those close to me wanted me to become “normal” and within a culture very influenced by religious sentimentality, I was prayed on and loved ones hoped for a “miracle” to happen. I was happy as a child but I was also unhappy. For whatever I did and any efforts I made I couldn’t become “normal”. Yes, that! What was more troubling was that I identified on some level with Satan. Hadn’t be also rejected from God and cast away to an eternal torment. But, unlike Satan, I was determined to return in God’s good books. But at around 8, I started experiencing the reality outside of the safety of the home. I met new people and different children. Many looked at me through their presumptions about my physical impairment and told me that I “inspired” them and given that troubling reassurance that I was bearing the “cross of Christ”. When I felt no different than other kids my age. But, in a way, I was.

The fact was that I was made to think. I dared to doubt. And, while a spiritual revolution was taking place in my mind, I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t articulate it in a way others could understand it. I sought refuge in trying to find answers beyond me. I wanted to knoW WHY. wHY HAD MY BROTHER DIED BEFORE I COULD GET TO KNOW HIM? Why I was born this way? Why was God angry at me? Was I a saint walking on the footsteps of Christ or a sinner bearing the torment of a banished hell angel? Yes, I was happy then. But there was always that foreknowing that this life will end. And then what will become of me? And was there a God any way? Or were we at the mercy of a God who was like those Greek gods I read in some of my books that toyed around with human BEINGS AS IF THEY WERE PAWNS ON CHESS BOARD?

I THOUGHT AND THOUGHT. DURING THOSE COLD WINTER NIGHTS WHEN I LOOKED WITH AWE AT THE DARK SKY TINTED WITH SILVER STARS. THE SAME STARS THE ANCIENT EGYPTIANS HAD STUDIED A THOUSAND YEARS AGO. THE SAME STARS THAT THE BIBLE SAYS HERALDED THE BIRTH OF THE JEWISH MESSIAH. THE SAME STARS THAT GUIDED SO MANY SEAFARERS. I was connected then with the past I shared with my ancestors. The same stars that were there at the beginning of the cosmos. The same stars but not yet the same. These are still stars that may not all be there today as their light takes millions of years to reach us. Stars are a connection with the past that is no longer there.

For a young boy, these thoughts were overwhelming. So many questions. So few answers. Many of which were incomplete or beyond my understanding. And yet, nobody in my life seemed to be asking why? People who claimed they were “people of faith” appeared to be interested in winning a place in heaven and saving their lives rather than living the spirit of love and compassion and reflecting on their lives. They weren’t asking about the wonders of this universe we find ourselves in. They weren’t asking themselves why they were the lucky ones to live on Earth in the first place.

But, yes, they were interested in making more money and searching for happiness in things that never lasted. Even their aspiration to gain heaven was motivated by a hope to experience pleasure and freedom from pain. Bt they forgot that heaven was now. What happens in the future is beyond our control. It’s only now that we can change the world. It’s only now that we can change ourselves. And, yes, I gradually became the adult I feared to become as a child. True, I tended to more open to different people because, I myself, had been judged simply for being different. Yet, many of those early attachments that I hoped to never acquire, I did acquire. So, I can’t really judge.

I may choose to go deeper into my past but I am restricted by time and space.I just wanted to share these memories as I keep growing in self-awareness. As I said in early posts, I am now on a journey of self-discovery. I am engaging more in Buddhist practice. I feel a sense of peace and happiness that I can’t really express using language. But, it’s there and it’s changing my life. For the better. I don’t expect for you to understand and I certainly don’t write to convert anyone to Buddhism and to take up a daily practice of meditation and mindfulness. I am just writing after reflecting on my own experience of life. At that, my experience of life is very limited when compared to the what one can experience in the longest of human lifetimes. It is also infinitesimal if you compare it to the age of the cosmos. But, yet, as insignificant as it might be, this life is really the only thing I have.

I end this entry here hoping. Hoping that tomorrow will come. That I will be still alive tomorrow. That the Earth will be here tomorrow. That those around me are still there with me. But there’s always the possibility of change. A change that isn’t necessarily bad but, at times, also necessary if we are to continue living. Yet, tomorrow remains only a hope and whether you’re a believer or non-believer, we all hold an irrational faith in a tomorrow.

A Day of Rest?

First, a haiku:

 

Just a  day of rest

 

I hoped for but never got.

 

Perhaps tomorrow?

 

Now, a few thoughts…

 

I didn’t mean this entry to be long. I am tired and need to rest. Indeed, I’m planning to take time off work tomorrow and forget, for a day, about work or life in general. I plan to rest. I made this promise to myself so many times. But there’s always something that comes up. And I keep  postponing. 

 

In our fast moving world, we often find that we have less time to think and reflect. With all its progress, I find that technology does encourage us to be reactive rather than reflective. Instead of being witness to life, we are becoming passive and impulsive. It’s not all bad but I do feel that people in general are losing touch with the real world but are escaping into their virtual spaces.

 

Since I committed myself to a regular practice of meditation, I feel calmer and more   focused. I regained that childlike fascination with the world I thought I had forever lost. I do still revert   to the “adult mode” at times but I try to be more aware and, restrain myself from cynicism (with varied success). However, I believe that I’ve wasted a lot of my life pursuing that which wasn’t really important. Of course, I don’t expect any radical changes but these, indeed, may take some time.

 

There are so many values that I have claimed to hold true but didn’t entirely live up to. There are valid reasons for that. But you may call them excuses. I have claimed to be honest. to be kind. To be less judgmental. But I did falter over the years. I could blame external factors and, at times, these have been valid reasons for my actions. But we may hold on beliefs and world views that are essentially good and positive but persist in living a life that oftentimes contradicts the core beliefs that we claim to hold. 

 

So we have fundamentalists who restrict their world view to the extent that they and members of their chosen few are living rightly. Of course, I don’t expect you’re a fundamentalist reading this blog. But we do share aspects of fundamentalist belief in our life. We do sometimes hold to a “fundamentalism” based on science, philosophy and ideology. As a consequence,  we close ourselves to our own worlds and to our own values. Good as they may be, any value system that puts itself over all else and which excludes any others indiscriminately can be destructive

 

Nobody can change who we are - even  if they may break our spirits. It takes time and lots of practice but it’s necessary that we take the time to practice. To undertake our commitment to change. To take responsibility over our own lives. I’m not saying that it’s easy or that things will turn out well quickly. Indeed, life might get worse but, at the end of the day, we can be open and active in our pursuit of happiness. This, even to me, would have sounded unrealistic and just talk. But, then, I think it’s worth to try become a better person who lives in the present. One person who hasn’t forgotten to wonder at the world and the universe with child’s eyes that are supported by wisdom that grows from knowledge, experience and reflection.

 

On the end of another day, I am exhausted but at peace as the night approaches and the sky darkens. But, then again, there is the moon and the stars that offer hope that even in our darkest hours, there is still hope - however faint and weak. There is hope that fills our darkest skies  into masterpieces of the cosmos. But, how often, have we stopped and looked at the night sky? With my vision, I admit it’s difficult to make out the stars and perhaps I may catch a glimpse of the moon. But I recall the times in the late hours of the night looking at the night sky in awe. For, I really felt that I was nothing compared to what was out there. That our planet Earth was like a speck of sand lost in a boundless ocean. The memories are still there somewhere. But I am only now that I’m rediscovering the beauty of all that surrounds us. And while there were many nights we try to forget or intoxicate ourselves for the sake of fun and entertainment, we just miss to witness all this.

 

Day by day, I commit myself to grow in awareness. I want to be a more active participant in the world. I want to be more open to others. I will fail. Yet, every step forward is progress. Now it’s really time to sleep.  I will take more  time to rest tomorrow. In fact, I hope to rest for the whole day. Rest is important. If not for anything else, it will give me time to reflect, relax and recharge my mind and body. It’s a day when I hope to get more in touch with the world and to grow in my self-knowledge.

 

A hope…

 

Perhaps tomorrow will really be a day when I rest...

Star Gazer: Commentary

In my last post, I composed the first haiku for this blog. The haiku entitled “Star Gazer” sought to capture that sense of awe and wonder that a young boy feels on looking at the night sky. It also suggests that the boy feels alone and insignificant in relation to the universe. This haiku emerged out of a meditation on our position in the universe. It’s also semi-autobiographical, as I still have a memory of me as a young boy observing the night sky as an amateur astronomer. Here, I don’t intend to engage into any extensive analysis but I aim this commentary to encourage thought and reflection on the meaning that can be inferred from this haiku.

Let’s look at the first line:

Stars light up the night

This line introduces the setting for the haiku. If you consider the nature of stars and how they appear to us on Earth, you might be forgiven for thinking that they are small specks of light. But, our knowledge about the stars has meant that we know that stars are massive bodies that reside many light years away. In this reality, are we that great as a human race? Shouldn’t we be more humble when we’re so small and powerless in comparison to the strong forces that we find in the universe?

a boy stares above in awe

This second line evokes a sense of wonder expressed particularly by children. Until we grow older, we can still look at the world around us with fresh eyes. Unfortunately, when we grow older, we grow attached to a rigid outlook and lose the ability of perceiving life as it is. In a sense,we build barriers between us and separate people from us on the basis of divergent characteristics - thus failing to recognize our shared humanity and co-dependence.]]

If we're all alone

The last line is structured as if it was a question but it is framed as a statement. There is a certain feeling of uncertainty and doubt as we contemplate our existence in relation to the universe. The point here is that, in spite of the immensity of the universe, which should increase the likelihood of alien life, we are still alone - even if there is also the possibility of an alien life, it seems that there is no other one out there. But, in truth, civilisations have implicitly believed in what are, at first glance, not alien life forms. Of course, I’m talking about God, angels and other divine beings. While we don’t usually regard these beings, if they exist, as alien, they fulfil the non-Earthly attributes of the idea of an alien. While it would be considered heretical to call the divine aliens, the reality is that if these beings exist, then there’s no reason why they can’t be considered aliens. I could argue that point no end I guess but as we come to end of my commentary, there is an equally seriousness about the aloneness of the human species. While I am no stranger to feeling like an outsider, everyone of us risks becoming an alien or stranger to ourselves and to others.

Conclusion

There’s no doubt that the universe compels us to ask a lot of questions about our existence, origins and position in the cosmos. I feel humbled and somewhat lucky for being here, of being alive. Like that boy who used to spend nights observing the night sky, I still wonder why I am here today. What is my purpose here? I still ask what will become of me after my life ends. And it will end. It’s when I think of all the things that I cannot understand and will probably never will in this lifetime that I regret the many times I took life for granted. For whether you believe or not, there’s no doubt that our lives are unique. And about what happens to us after death, well perhaps we will also become a star lighting the night sky. But now, I will do my best to live a good life.

Star Gazer

Stars light up the night
A boy stares above in awe
Are we all alone?