A Moment of Meditation

There it was. Then it was gone just like that! This post is about today, and about every day. This post is about me, but about everyone. This post is meant to communicate a thought and express an emotion and a state of mind. But, it will not necessarily succeed. And,to be honest, the odds are against it. So, why write it anyway?

 

The reason, I think, is that today seemed to be going to be just like any other day. I woke up with the usual pain and stiffness of an early arthritis. I struggled to get out of bed to travel to work. Nothing different. And, perhaps, this is what made it sort of special. There was no pain I couldn’t bear, even if there could have been. I was aware of an experience that happened so often in my life that I never really noticed before. I realised, no, I felt the touch of a soft wind blowing over my skin through the open window. I felt a temporary relief from the summer heat wave taking over the country. I knew that I could do little to change the weather. I could only drink some water and keep myself cool.

 

This feeling of helplessness was, in a strange way, comforting. I had meditated for some time in the morning as I have somewhat neglected the practice for these last two days or so. There, I had come to really appreciate a realisation I had before but still resisted on an unconscious level. The realisation that all my life and all I thought I am didn’t make sense on their own. Inasmuch as the words on this page don’t have a meaning outside human language, so does my life make no sense outside of the human context.

 

I am, like the rest, seeking happiness. We want to be satisfied with our lives. And, yet, we firmly believe that our satisfaction and fulfilment can be found completely in the outside world. Yes, proper food and basic needs such as shelter and clothing (to mention the most basic) remain essential for our wellbeing. But, in addition to these, we need other things that are beyond all that.

We need to know because that makes us feel safe. We need to belong because that gives us a sense of identity and community. We need to love and be loved because gives us a sense of worth and dignity.

 

I spent many years believing the myth of perfection and the myth of independence. The self-made person. Yet, if you examine this idea that we are self-made or can buy our way to happiness, we realise how flawed this vision is. Indeed, how life denying it can be. For, it is a belief that contradicts reality. The reality that we, matter and energy are intrinsically and fundamentally bound together. The reality that who we presume we are is the product of many others who came before or who are with us. The reality that even our own conception is the result of other people. 

 

In this sense, we are one with many in more ways than we think. And, this is the essence of the helplessness I speak of here. The helplessness that exposes us to our inevitable dependence and vulnerability. A helplessness that doesn’t weaken us through despair and self-hate. Rather, a helplessness that opens our awareness to our humanity, to our basic connection to persons in the whole universe. A helplessness beyond scientific rationality or religious dogma. But the pure helplessness of a child who knows that he or she is indebted to all those around him or her for all she or he has. And it’s not a case of creating idols or worshipping those who help or support life.

 

It’s a helplessness that gives one permission to acknowledge one’s limits. That, while one should work to better one’s life and the life of others, failure is inevitable. Indeed, not even success can be ever guaranteed. It is with this awareness that I left my meditative state. It is this realisation that I need to live in appreciation of a  life more as I faced another day. It’s a recognition that I have come to expect so much from life that I missed how unique it was. How every day, I am going against all odds to go on and, in spite of all difficulties, I am still managing to prevail. Not out of any personal act of will but because I have been thrown in this life..

Now, as I end this entry, I realise that the sense of peace I had throughout the ay following my meditation is no longer present. It seemed to have waned. Yet, this should be another lesson I guess. For, in an attempt to capture the mystery of the moment, I have lost its spirit. I did the same thing a trophy hunter does. In an attempt to capture the life and force of a gracious lion, he shoots it and stuffs the dead lion to enjoy it in his private quarters and show it off to friends. But, then, he also kills the very thing he sought to preserve.

 

I, you and everyone has been given something unique without having deserved it. It’s up to you whether you believe that God or any other entity or force gave you this life. It’s not even that important whether you believe in another life after this - although it is a worthwhile thing to hope for. The reality is that we are living today. Tomorrow is, as I said before, only a promise and an unknown space in the future.

 

Today, is what we know we have. This moment in time that is possible only because of a network of causes and conditions (mostly beyond our  control. Not only do we owe our survival to others beyond ourselves, but may also have to admit that who we are only exists in the present context.

 

We are helpless, dependent and vulnerable in the present moment.

 

We are  also human with our limitations of knowing and doing.

 

But, in spite of all this, we are not helpless, useless or worthless.

 

Not if we are prepared to see each others as ourselves and be prepared to go beyond our own self-importance.

 

For, it might be too late before we realise that, like a joyous feeling, we are faced with the end. , realise that we have gone through this experience without really being aware of what we were actually living. 

 

And, wouldn’t that be tragic to realise that we have pursued a life avoiding the present moment hoping for the future that appeared to have no end.

 

But, alas, it had an end. Like this entry.