The Ethics of No Self

Last Friday, I found myself in the front garden of our summer home waiting for a van that seemed will be delayed. I had to wait. But, as I breathed in the fresh air of the summer morning. As I felt the gentled breeze of a cool morning on my face and hands, I felt at peace. I was lost. I felt no pain. The only thing I noticed was perhaps the cool air filling my lungs. But, eventually, I wasn’t there any more.

I was still aware of my sensory perceptions. Yet, at the same time, I was there but not there. I had, at that moment, no pain, no worries and no wants or needs. In that state of awareness, it didn’t even matter who I was any more. In a way, it was like sleep. Indeed, it was like I was dead to the world. Everything was alright. It didn’t matter what happened to me. And, in truth, I had no real control over many of what happened in my life.

And, as I emerged from that state of no self, I realised that what seemed like a very long time was actually just about five minutes. Where was I during that time? Was death just the cessation of all suffering that is caused by our attachment to a self? Indeed, was the self, a delusion and had no basis in fact? I pondered my thought further. For, what I felt or did not feel, during that moment was a realisation that I shouldn’t fear death that much.

Here, I’m not saying that life is to be wasted or that life is devoid of value. What I am saying that, often, it is that we become so attached to our ‘self’, that we forget that our ‘self’ constantly depends on our minds and bodies, on our world and on the people around us. In addition, there will be a time when we are not. And that is not an unfinished sentence. For, yes, when we die, we will not be who we (think) we are today. Indeed, it wouldn’t really matter to us who we are for we would not be able to conceive a separate identity or even of a ‘self’.

Of course, there was a time when I was not. A time when none of us were. For me, it was just before the 1980s. Yes, the time before I was even conceived! In this sense, there was a time when who I was wasn’t important. A time beyond self. And, this might be the truth about who we are. Or, rather, about who we are NOT. For, whether we believe it or not, our self may not be based on reality because an ‘objective’ reality never exists for us or any living being. This is because we will always experience our world through our senses. In a way, none of us can claim to have authority over truth.

Again, I’m not saying that there is no truth. What I am saying that we don’t have the capability to know absolute truths. There will always be a piece of the puzzle missing or, indeed, we may not have the means to find that piece in the present. We live in our own realities, if you may, and our sense of self may help us to better connect the fragments together. Yet, it would be a mistake to conclude that our final picture is the truth.

Who would we be without feeling? Without thought? Without emotions? Without society? Without the world? Without language? I could go on asking and asking more questions. But, I believe, that the answer to all these questions is simply that we would be not. After last Friday’s meditation, I realised how futile it is for us to give our ‘self’, an existence and importance as if we could exist without the smallest of living beings and without our brothers and sisters who form part of our human family.

Understanding this, I believe, is understanding the ethics of no self. For, if who we are closes our hearts and minds to others, then we are living the delusion of the self.

Surrender to an Emptiness of Being

I find that I am at a point in my practice when I am faced with a deep sense of emptiness. I cannot describe what this feeling is like. I am sorry that I am lost for words.

The more I contemplate about life, the more I realise how empty my life really is. Not because it lacks joy, happiness or meaning. But, rather, it’s because I know that there’s a lot I don’t know and much of it I will never know in a lifetime.

I hesitate to write about the after-life, for in truth, I am not sure of that either. I am reluctant to speak of God because talking about God is dangerous for I’ve been witness to many who profess to believe in a god they created in their own image.

I am faced with an uncomfortable emptiness as I think of who I am. Or, more accurately, who I thought I was. I recognise that my life is insignificant compared to the immensity of the universe we inhabit. The universe that I believe exists but of that I am not sure either. And, then, there is a darkness which compels me to admit that I am lost. That I was always lost and my previous beliefs were, in many ways, delusions.

I am burdened by a sense of sadness. And sadness is not even the right word. It’s not a sadness borne out of despair or desperation but one which emerges from the awareness of my nothingness. My realisation of the futility of a life spent chasing personal gain at the expense of other beings.

I realise that what I write may not make any sense. I apologise for that. I don’t have the answers to life’s questions. The more I contemplate about life, the greater is the sense of unknowing. The greater I find that I will never know. But, perhaps, this is the lesson that I need to learn. That I have to admit that, inasmuch as I may accumulate knowledge, this is a time when I must be humble enough to acknowledge my true insignificance and helplessness in life.

I need to surrender and accept the reality of my humanity. This is not about giving up on life but it’s about accepting reality. It’s about recognising that I am like other human beings limited in how much I can know or understand. It’s a humility that is not ashamed of its own limitations. It’s not a defeat or even an escape from life - even if those can be potential risks.

I want to search for truth. I want to manifest my authentic being. But now, I only sense a deep sadness, perceive a boundless emptiness and a blinding darkness. I see no hope of release. No hope in belief or science. I am consumed by doubt and fear.

To this emptiness, I surrender.