A Witness to the Dark

I’ve been going through a rough time lately as I have to face some health issues again. I’m experiencing this ringing in the ears again. And, now, I’m also having occasional blackouts. There were times when I really feel scared and helpless. I don’t claim that my experience is unique or that my pain is excruciating. But, whenever I am disoriented either by my tinnitus or my temporary blindness, I feel as if I’m alone and helpless. There is, I admit, a degree of physical pain in my experience. But, that’s not the primary cause of my suffering.

Indeed, even if I write this wondering if I’ll have an attack as I try to describe my feelings, I also know that no matter how well I describe my experience, it will remain just words. Yes, words that express a thought, a feeling and a state of mind. But, nevertheless, these words I type are simply a trace… an image… an imitation of an experience. Our memories are so short and fragile. I will probably forget myself what the actual experiences I’m going through were like. I don’t know if all this will ever end in my life. I do feel abandoned when I am vulnerable, when it’s like being in a state of living and non-living.

No light without dark

But, as I read the haiku “In the Dark” I wrote last time, I realise how true it was. In spite of the darkness I feel around me at those times, I know that there’s no darkness without light. Would you know what darkness was if you never experienced it? What you understand what light is if you never experienced darkness.

There’s no hope without despair

The same can be said of the moments of despair that are haunting me. I know that these moments will, one day, end. Even if life may be leading you nowhere, and you are plagued by a sense of hopelessness, there is still some hope. There’s no hope without despair. I know that these hard times I struggle with are the source of much doubt and resignation. But, as I am reminded of the buddhist idea of impermanence, I am reassured by the fact that there will be one day when this will end. As light cannot exist without darkness, so there can be no hope if there is no despair. If our life was devoid of any suffering, then there would be no reason to hope in a better tomorrow. It wouldn’t really a human existence at all.

No life without death

Finally, I do wonder whether I will survive to see a tomorrow. I have wondered about death since I was young. I may sound strange but I was always aware of my own mortality but I knew it had to happen one day. As death had taken one of my brothers away, it could take me at any point. Yes, I was scared but if this was a state similar to sleep, I wouldn’t mind that much. For who are we really in a dreamless night? And while our death may be a sad and tragic event for those who love us and, as we live, we probably dread the prospect of dying, it’s inevitable. But, like light and darkness, hope and despair, there can be no life without death.

Concluding Reflection

This is the cycle of existence. The nature of life. Things can only exist in relation to other things. There is nothing intrinsically bad about darkness, despair and death. They’re part of our experience. We suffer because we cling to the what makes us comfortable and what makes us feel safe. However, my experiences of life has taught me that I don’t have to worry too much about tomorrow. It’s good to plan ahead and live for a purpose. Yet, ultimately, we have to accept that we should appreciate moments of darkness as much as those of light, times we feel desperate as much as we hope for a better future and appreciate our life as we are aware of the impermanence of life and the inevitability of death.

An End?

With this I end this reflection. Still, as I end this post. But is it really an end? Isn’t darkness an opportunity to search for the light? Isn’t darkness an opportunity to rest and sleep? Isn’t despair a chance to discover yourself? Isn’ despair an invitation to hope? 

And isn’t the awareness of  of death, a reason to celebrate this life? To appreciate life with all that it brings? Isn’t an awareness of death a call to appreciate the today, to rejoice in the now? And, isn’t death not just a loss but also a hope for the renewal of life. Isn’t death giving a new life to start?

An end is also a beginning. Every beginning will one day end.

Life  is not good or bad. 

Life is simply what it is.

In the Dark

No light without dark

Yes, no hope without despair

No life without death

This is your Obituary

What if you had a chance to take a peak at your own obituary when you’re still alive? And what if, on reading it, you end up feeling disappointed that you really didn’t achieve that much and that people will remember you for little when you had so many great ambitions and plans for the future. And what what would be more important, how people had remembered you or whether you had achieved most of your aspirations in life?

In truth, these two questions are inseparable from one another. The way we view ourselves and the goals we aim for, for better or worse, are influenced by those around us and the society we live in. Of course, people will behave differently when to this influence. Some will simply conform and go with the flow while others will rebel and challenge the mainstream. Others still will retreat to the safety of their own private worlds. But, the ultimate question is what would you do? Would it be more important for people to praise you, celebrate your life and to honour your memory? What if you felt unhappy and unfulfilled until that moment of death? And that all the success and glory attributed to your memory were only a façade - an image you kept up?

There’s no doubt that death is a topic that most people would do anything to avoid. Even if it’s not healthy to be constantly thinking of death, I feel it’s important for me to dedicate some time every day to meditate about your day. Although I don’t always stick to this practice, I feel that putting aside some time to cultivate your awareness of your own mortality helps me appreciate what I have and place my problems into perspective. Because, many times, we tend to think this life will never end and waste our energy in a struggle to get what we want thinking that once we gain this or that, we will be satisfied and fulfilled. I know for I’ve been there many times before. You think that once you get what you wand - be it many object you crave for or a social position,etc. - you will finally be content and peaceful. But that only lasts until you start craving for another thing.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t have ambitions or a purpose to live for. However, it’s important that we are aware of what is really of value and to take the time to learn about life and discover what is really of value. For all the belongings, fame,money and all the things the world exalts, these are objects that only provide temporal pleasure and will not last forever. If we aren’t happy with our life, if we’re always absorbed in selfish desires, in fighting to outdo the other and only interested in what people think of us, we’re bound to live a life of suffering. For real suffering isn’t a matter of being in pain or disease. Our suffering arises out of our persistence in pursuing that which doesn’t last, it arises out of our attachment to who we think we are or to who we think it should be… It emerges out of our failure to grasp that in this life, we need others - that in our life we’re not separate from or superior to others.

Buddhist teachings place a great emphasis on the practice of compassion. I am trying to live my if de in accordance with this principle. However, you can find an emphasis on compassion in all the major religions and even in secular ethics. Unfortunately, while many would agree that the value of compassion is important, it’s sad that we’re still afraid or reluctant to live it. Perhaps we fear that in being more loving or compassionate, we expose our vulnerability and weakness to others. Perhaps then we will have to admit that we’re not so special but that we’re all unique and special in our own ways.

Then, at the end of the day, it wouldn’t matter that much what your obituary looked like. Not if you have lived your life according to what you believed in without causing harm to others. Not if you did your best to relieve the suffering of those around you. Not if you really invested your time in growing in compassion to yourself and to others. Not if you tried to live your life being true to your authentic being.