Failing in Spite of Trying!

I tried for a second time to get out of bed with the little strength I’ve got left following the long time I’ve been spending in bed. Of course, it could be much worse. I haven’t totally been cut off from society. With all its criticisms, technology has enabled me to keep in touch with the world. I’m even started doing my work from home for a number of days now.
But, it pains me that, in spite of trying to get out of bed on my own, I must accept the fact that, right now, even transferring to my wheelchair is something I cannot do on my own.
I was sad when I realise that I have come to this point. But I have been trying to do my best. Or perhaps I am not doing enough. I remain grateful for the fact that I have retained enough strength to get better. If I keep trying.
It’s tempting for us to believe that others will solve our problems or blame others for our problems. I know that those who believe God is in control of their destiny tend to expect that God will solve their problems. I looked at life that way when I was younger and less mature.
Yet, the fact is that, if we want to move forward, we need to take personal responsibility for our own actions. We shouldn’t expect miracles to happen. The very fact that I’m still breathing after all these years is a miracle in itself.
Not that my life is ‘extraordinary’ as some have told me. Yes, I’ve been through a lot already but I chose to go on. I may have chosen to end it all. But I didn’t. Not because I am brave or courageous but, rather, it was because I fear death. Or, actually, that I feared death.
Yet, inasmuch as death is such a scary prospect for many, I have come to accept it as part of my future. For the promise of death isn’t a reason to die. Indeed, it is a reason to live. And while my life’s failures appear to be moments when I come to cry and to regret, without them I would never succeed.
For unpleasant as it might be, a failure means that you have tried. For if you always succeed in whatever you do on your first attempt, where would your satisfaction be?If life was so easy, so free from challenges and difficulties, would their be a point in living? This is difficult to answer. And, we can’t answer it because we are human beings.
We idealise a life where no one dies, when we become perfect incarnations of humanity. When we don’t have to suffer in any way.
Yet, I wonder whether in our state of immortal perfection, we will still be able to feel compassion to others or, else, become no different than the mythical gods of ancient Greece where others became mere objects of play and manipulation.
Our life may be not that much when you think about it. We live to die. We change from healthy young children with a will to love and be loved, only to find ourselves old and, sometimes, tired of living. But amidst the sadness, the despair and the disenchantment we might experience, there is so much more to celebrate. There’s still much we can do. So much we can do. Life is impermanent, yes, but that is all the more reason to try to live it to the full and make the best of it. Its an opportunity to change for the better the life of those who are still chained by injustice, violence and by inequality.There will always be failure.
There will always be lost lives. There will always be tragedies and deaths. Pride would lead us to forfeit our responsibility and blame others or even a god but never ourselves. Humility, on the other hand, bids us to accept our failure as an invitation to learn.
Pride will tell us that we don’t depend on anyone. Humility teaches us that we are co-dependent.
Pride deludes us into believing that we will live forever. Humility reminds us that we are living on borrowed time.
At this point, I feel I have failed in spite of trying. Pride tells me that I have failed as a person for having to ask for help (yet again). Humility reassures me that this a chance to try my best again and accept the fact that needing one another is part of being human. There’s no shame in failing if one has genuinely tried to do better.

The Day of Reflection

To begin….

Over here in Malta, we’ll be having the elections tomorrow - the 9th March 2013. An event that normally happens every five years. It’s a time when we will have a chance to have a say in the running of our country. Yet, we often take the democratic process we have today too much. For granted. We don’t realise that the vote and the democratic process may be the best form of political system we have. And, even then, we may not know that the democracy we have today isn’t like that of ancient Greece, were only the rich and privileged had a vote. Or, the ‘democracy’ were only men of a certain class were allowed to vote while more than half of the population, women, were excluded. Their vote didn’t count.

Today was also a day of reflection. A day when all political expression in the media or for public consumption is, technically, illegal. But, how many of us actually appreciate the right to vote we have in our democracies? How much do politicians are really interested in the betterment of society, or are they more interested in gaining our vote for the sake of power? I will not be tackling the second question because I leave it to you to judge on your own the political merits of respective candidates. However, before this day is over, I wanted to share a few thoughts and reflections, together from some quotes which have helped me believe that, while I’m still denied the right to vote in secret, I have the right to vote. And, while alone I will not bring about a revolution, I can make a difference. But I cannot make that difference on my own.

Questions, Quotes, etc.

Do I really appreciate the right I have to vote?

Do I believe that I can express my anger and frustration by simply voting because of personal interests or motivations?

Can I afford NOT to vote and forfeit my right to vote?

But, then, is the vote just a right or a duty I have to my society?

Would I, by wasting or abusing my right to vote also going against what I believe in?

“It is the duty of every citizen according to his best capacities to give validity to his convictions in political affairs.”  Albert Einstein

What about truth?

Have I really thought over my decision in voting?

Did what I heard in political speeches and debates faithful to the truth?


M I ready to follow a leader just because I have learned not to question?

Does the leader talk a lot about himself and not about how he’ll make our society better?

Have I bothered to go beyond what parties are telling me and dared to ask the right questions?

Am I following the party just because I feel a sense of belonging or because I sincerely think that the party is in tune with the values it purports to hold?

Do I honestly believe that as long as I’m comfortable after the elections,I don’t care about the rest?

Aren’t we all dependent on each other in our society? Or in our lives?

Aren’t other people’s losses but my own?

Am I prepared to do the right thing, even if it might hurt at first?

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

How?

how did the respective parties tackled issues facing minorities or excluded groups?

How did they deal with people of different opinions, faith or belief?

Do they believe that the majority should decide on human rights and that human beings don’t have a right to dignity and respect they deserve without needing to justify their life?

Finally...

Has the political rhetoric intoxicate our minds and hearts as to forget that we share a common humanity and inasmuch as we hold our political beliefs, we remain subject to the same pains and pleasures this life has to offer.

We live in a society made up of individuals. Yet neither can society impose itself on the individual nor the individual can exist without a society. That’s why I chose to right this entry on this day of reflection. Not because I’m not a bit anxious about voting tomorrow and its possible aftermath. But I wanted to reassure myself that whatever I vote tomorrow, I hope to vote with a clear mind and be true to my beliefs and convictions.

I may be unhappy with the result if it doesn’t follow on my choices. But, if anything, I will sleep on Saturday night with a peaceful conscience because I know that I did what I could. I was true to my own self.

Nobody knows what the future will be like. Perhaps I’ll discover that there open new possibilities that I was never aware of. The truth I believe in fills me with the will to live on. I want a society that is equal, just and more compassionate. I can’t expect that all all these aspirations will be achieved if I don’t play my part. However, I cannot deny that Malta has progressed a lot in all these areas. Granted, there’s still things to be done. But, come what may, we all need to continue working together. I end this entry by another two quotes that helped me to restore a certain hope in the future ahead. As for me, there’s not much to add. Just to remember to vote with a clear mind and a compassionate heart.

And remember:

“whether your cause has many or few adherents, truth will still prevail.” HH the 14th Dalai Lama

Or, if you feel you have failed in your cause, remember the words of Gandhi:

“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.” Mohandas K.  Gandhi

The Refuge of Silence

As the days pass by, little seems to have changed since I was discharged from hospital. Thankfully, my pain has gradually decreased and while I still need more days of bed rest, if things go well, I should be on ny way to a good recovery. However, these days I was forced to reflect on the experiences that I've gone through and what I'm feeling right now.

First, I wonder where this sense of emptiness that visits me at times is coming from.

Second, there's a sense of longing. Longing for better health. Longing to restore what I had before. Thoughts, that if not recognised, risk sucking you into the traps of self-pity and stasis - where there is no growth or possibility.

By now, I accept the fact that my body needs to take its time to recover. Of course, I must do my part to help in the process. I have had the time to finish reading a few books which were on ny reading list as well. So, it's not that bad if I can make the best of it and learn new ideas in the process.

Having said that, in this particular situation which I'm in where my life is on pause node, there are moments when I meditate about all this in silence. For I might escape in a world that bombards us with information and constant stimulation, but how can I expect to be happy if I don't bitter to get to know who I an. How can I hope to know what truly fulfils me and satisfies me in life?

Thus, I return to silence. Not the silence of indifference or aversion vbut the silence that choosers to receive and consolidates without impositions or conditions. A silence that accepts and adapts to what truly is without the urge to dominate.

The silence between these words we write, speech we utter - the blank spaces and breaks. The silence that give music rhythm and melody that would be just annoying noise devoid of life.

This silence is important to me.

Until next time.

A Sunset of Promise

I continue struggling with the physical pain that has forced me into hospital two weeks ago. Thankfully, my pain wasn't that severe today but it's still early days and there can be good or bad days - depending on whether I wake up early enough to take my medication.

I admit there were hard days when I felt I wished to close myself to the world or even die. However, I knew that this pain, like any other thing, is simpermanent and one day will cease to be. In many ways, it's also an illusion if you think about it. All the pain is an result of the nervous system with no material basis.

This isn't implying that it lacs existence but that it arises out of the senses. In other words, if we had problems with our pain senses, we could be prone to doing ourselves harm or even die. Granted, nobody wishes to experience pain but it's good to know if the cup of tea you're about to drink is boiling before you Stuqrt gulping down its contents. Ouch! Stomach ulcer...

In the same way as pain is a warning mechanism that draws our attention to possible damage, I realise that this might have been how the body wanted to let me know that I needed to take a step back and collect my thoughts once-again and reexamine my life. Indeed, I am aware that part of my suffering arose from thoughts that echoed in my mind. When there was no pain. Even the times I was still a young boy.

I've returned home from hospital just a week ago but my memory fails to recall the details. Yet, together with all the memories and experiences I gathered over the years, I can truly say that I feel truly changed. I feel unsure about the future. Then, again, I had the opportunity to learn about myself and my relation to those around me.

in particular, I also found the support of friends and those close to me. We do forget atTimes how nuch we depend on each other, as individuals, on each other's cooperation to live our lives on this little rock we call Earth. For so much could happen to us in so little time that it's foolish to seek only for oneself.

On that note, I note that sunset has turned the day to night. Little things I've got to do. I need to eat, drink and, I hope to sleep.

Preparing for another day of unknown possibilities, preparing for the good and being open to the worse.

The Thing Called Pain

I've been experiencing a sense of pain for over a week. At times, it's as if it won't go away. A thought that I have even when I know nothing in this universe lasts forever.

This fact appears to provide a certain hope that that a future without this pain is certain.
While I wish that this physical pain disappears, so that I can return
to my routine, the fact that it has disrupted the routine gave me the
chance to examine my life and, when the pain is bearable, to force me
to attempt to understand pain.

The world today does well in finding means by which to manage pain. On the other hand, a degree of pain remains an essential sense to ensure
our health and survival. Indeed, feeling pain when putting your hand
on a burning fire can protect us for serious damage. And in so many
ways, pain is such a warning mechanism.

I believe, thus, that this pain I feel today is a result of days when
I failed to pay attention to my body and persisted as the pain
intensified. Eventually, it led to the current situation when I come
face to face with the reality of our human dependency or codependence.

But, if you think about it, pain isn't unreal because science reveals
that the sense of pain results from electrochemical signals
generated in the body. This isn't saying that pain doesn't exist but
that its reality isn't as solid and tangible as it might appear. In
this way, one could say that it's a simulation.

Apart from that, the experience of pain reveals how we are part of the
world and while we are separate in many ways from the world that
surrounds us, such a separation can never be complete but is always
partial and, maybe, artificial.

I appreciate the experience of pain not because I enjoy pain but
because it's giving me a chance to rekindle a sense of wonder.
Breaking up the chains of conventionality and, once more, offering me
the opportunity to pursue new possibilities.

This pain will end. Yet as long as there's only so much I can do at
present, is to learn from it.

A Violent Awakening

Last Wednesday, I was admitted to the state hospital soon after I finished breakfast or about twenty minutes. Or so dad would tell me. Apparently, I threw up and lost consciousness. I would wake up again at the emergency department trying to figure out what had happened and where I was. It was as if I wasn't there when all this happened. Even if I was discharged on Saturday, I remain in excruciating pain in my legs and back. It appears that my back had fractures caused by osteoporosis witch I developed later on in my early 20s due to treatment for another condition.

However, the details aren't that important. I found myself in hospital once again. My life, once more, interrupted. An unknown future ahead. Not that there's certainty with any future. But when such a 'violent awakening' occurs, I tend to stop and reflect on where my life is heading and what'll come of me if this will take a long time to improve.was I living the life that truly fulfilled who I was?

And there were I fear that, despite the pain of my current state, I realise that I long for more from life than the path I've chosen so far.a lingering sense of dissatisfaction and emptiness accompany these hours of pain. As if there's an aspect of who I am that I've tried to avoid. A silent calling of the soul. Greater than me and, yet, not foreign. I struggle as I try to express this feeling for language is limited and this state of mind seems to reside beyond language to begin with.

Inasmuch as writing has always provided me with refuge and sustenance in hard times in my life, such as this, i lack the strength to carry on with this entry. When I feel better, hopefully, I'll be in a clearer state of mind to relate to what is at the core of my deep longing.

Pain - Teach Me Life

I'm in pain once again. It's my back and legs now as well. It's hard and I struggle to type this entry in my present condition. So, I'll limit myself to a few reflections.

Of course, it's difficult for me to cope at times. I get to ask the question - why me? After all, I have been through so much over these years that I don't need this. Yet, when I realise how others may be going through much more serious suffering, I am compelled to ask why not me. What makes me so 'special' as to be spared to share in this human experience? Wouldn't be arrogant of me to expect to be spared just because I have through enough pain?

Doesn't this experience offer me the opportunity to Learn about who I am and my relation to others and the world?

Should I consume myself in anger and personal concerns while failing to grow in compassion? Aren't we, humans, all in the same situation? No one can escape this.

I also lay my hope that like everything else, this will end. Even if, at present, it seems hard to believe. I could deny myself the possibility of hope and indulge in self-pity and close my heart to the world. But that wouldn't help me or anyone for that matter.

This is my current reality. Uncomfortable - sure. Unnecessary - perhaps. But, useless it is not.

I witness the present moment. There's pain that comes and goes. But every one of these moments is unique and I must trust and live in the realities that surround me.

There'll be times of hope and others of despair. Successes and failures in how I dealpain. Yet, I refuse to define myself with this temporal pain. My humanity goes beyond that.

I may choose to drown in despair or affirm life by accepting this experience, learn from it and letting go.

Nobody can decide this but me.

I will try to choose to follow the path of hope.

This is a choice that no one can make on my behalf.

But it's a choice that I must make.