In Memory of Identity - Part 4

Continued from Part 3

The realisation that our memories, and consequently, our identities can be so fragile and vulnerable might make us feel sad. On the other hand, it should help us reflect more on the preciousness of the everyday moment. It should make us more aware of how unique and sacred the experience of living is and open our hearts and minds to those around us and to all living beings.

The awareness of that who we are today would not be possible were it for the people we have met throughout our lives should make us reflect on how co-dependent we are on the world. For if it wasn’t for the material world, we wouldn’t be able to sustain our bodies. For if It hadn’t been for the many people, past and present, who taught us how to be human, we wouldn’t be seeking more from life and asking what life is all about. For if it hadn’t been for the Earth and all the conditions that made life possible, we wouldn’t be here as a species and would have never evolved in the first place.

I want to grow and practice mindfulness not to achieve fame and fortune but to find the peace and happiness that sometimes still eludes me. I know that I am not wise and did falter before and I am sure that I will falter again. However, I realise that, despite my failings, change does not come without a degree of sacrifice and an open mind.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be in a position when I start forgetting who I am. I confess that the possibility does frighten me. However, life is unpredictable and it could happen. I hope that those around me will still view me as a human being and support me in the best way they can. I also hope that as I drift into forgetting, I will appreciate the present moments as I experience them. For, even now, the present moment is really what we experience. And it flees away so quickly.

The End

In Memory of Identity - Part 3

Continued from Part 2

People who have severe memory loss challenge our ideas about identity. They force us to consider that our identity isn’t as solid and constant as we wish to believe. If this wasn’t the case, we wouldn’t grow. Change would be impossible and we wouldn’t be able to adapt. Life without change leads to an inevitable death. There is no escaping that fact.

Buddhism talks about the principle of dependent arising which is relevant to this reflection on memory and identity. For while we may deem people having memory loss as suffering, 

we experience suffering ourselves as we witness another human being fading into oblivion. It’s undeniable that the person experiencing memory loss may be going through a nightmarish existence where nothing makes sense any more.

Yet, the more I contemplate this reality, the more I realise how I, myself, don’t exist without a frame of reference. We exist in relation to others. We define ourselves in relation to the world around us. Our identity is not absolute and is in a flux. A single experience, a word, or even a piece of music, can alter our sense of self. And we can’t even claim to be self-made as we’re tempted to do in a Western society preoccupied with independence and individuality.

For in truth, the memories that remind us of who we are or we think we are have been shaped by our friends, family, society, history, culture, language and many more. Our contribution to our identity becomes significantly limited. But, we have the most important tool in our mind. We can choose to remain passive and complacent or learn to cultivate awareness. 

Many times, I notice that people go on living as if their life was immortal. They take life for granted without opening their minds to the world around them. We are sometimes too concerned with preserving the memory of our identity when, in fact, the self is only the product of many processes working together to create an illusion of self. A self dependent on our senses, our perceptions, on our histories and the context we’re living in. Ultimately, we hold all this together thanks to a memory that, as a product of mind, is also prone to decay.

Continues...

In Memory of Identity - Part 2

Continued from Part 1 

 

We often underestimate the importance of memory in defining who we are. Indeed, our identity is dependent on memory. Our past only exists in our memories. We create our present from the accumulation of memories. Even our futures are often rooted in our past and present experience which we remember thanks to our memory. If we had to forget everything we learned in the past, or incapable of creating new memories, it appears to us as an unbearable existence. For, in truth, memory is at the basis of everything we think of as human.

 

If there was no memory, there would be no history since historians wouldn’t remember what happened yesterday and wouldn’t feel a need to record it. Science wouldn’t exist as knowledge about the world is lost as soon as it is observed. There would be no need for politics, religion or philosophy as in a amnesiac world, time becomes irrelevant for to perceive time, we must be able to know what happened before and assume that after this moment there will be another one and yet another. There would be no language, for no one would be able to remember concepts or words.

 

To us, who are so unaware of how dependent we are on memory, a life where we lose our memory to the point of forgetting ourselves is a fate comparable to death It’s only natural to fear this sort of death. But are our memories really that reliable and infallible? Aren’t our memories like everything in life, prone to distortion and corruption? Is the past we reminisce about an authentic representation of the past that existed? Are we really in tune with our present existence? Are our futures but projections of our fears and desires with no firm grounding in reality?

Continues...

in Memory of Identity - Part 1

First, let me start with a haiku

I do lose myself
In a nature beyond me
Finding compassion

After a hard day and a deep restful sleep, I sometimes find myself having to adjust once again to a waking state. I need to make a little effort to remember what happened last night and what I had to do that morning.

Even if it’s not as worrying as memory loss that characterise some mental states, I wonder where my mind was during the time I was asleep. Where was I? And who was I? The truth of the matter is that during sleep, we enter a state not that different than death.

When you hear about the death of someone, even if he or she is not close to you, we are momentarily forced to reflect about the everyday reality of death. Yet, we fail to see that each day, in many ways, we are dying on different levels. Inasmuch as death terrifies most of us, we are also afraid of one day waking up to realise that we don’t know who we truly are any more. The prospect of forgetting ourselves is, of course, associated with old age.

However, more serious cases of memory loss, such as dementia are particularly disconcerting as they effectively conditions that threaten our belief in an ever present self.
During sleep, we forget who we are. In that condition, who we are becomes immaterial. We need to rest and, if that means completely shutting down to the world, we are willing to forget the world for a while. We don’t plan to sleep or can really suppress it for long without experiencing health or psychological problems. It’s not only natural but it appears to be necessary for our wellbeing. Yet, when we wake up, we need to function again in a material world. There, we turn to our memories.

Continues...

A Witness to the Dark

I’ve been going through a rough time lately as I have to face some health issues again. I’m experiencing this ringing in the ears again. And, now, I’m also having occasional blackouts. There were times when I really feel scared and helpless. I don’t claim that my experience is unique or that my pain is excruciating. But, whenever I am disoriented either by my tinnitus or my temporary blindness, I feel as if I’m alone and helpless. There is, I admit, a degree of physical pain in my experience. But, that’s not the primary cause of my suffering.

Indeed, even if I write this wondering if I’ll have an attack as I try to describe my feelings, I also know that no matter how well I describe my experience, it will remain just words. Yes, words that express a thought, a feeling and a state of mind. But, nevertheless, these words I type are simply a trace… an image… an imitation of an experience. Our memories are so short and fragile. I will probably forget myself what the actual experiences I’m going through were like. I don’t know if all this will ever end in my life. I do feel abandoned when I am vulnerable, when it’s like being in a state of living and non-living.

No light without dark

But, as I read the haiku “In the Dark” I wrote last time, I realise how true it was. In spite of the darkness I feel around me at those times, I know that there’s no darkness without light. Would you know what darkness was if you never experienced it? What you understand what light is if you never experienced darkness.

There’s no hope without despair

The same can be said of the moments of despair that are haunting me. I know that these moments will, one day, end. Even if life may be leading you nowhere, and you are plagued by a sense of hopelessness, there is still some hope. There’s no hope without despair. I know that these hard times I struggle with are the source of much doubt and resignation. But, as I am reminded of the buddhist idea of impermanence, I am reassured by the fact that there will be one day when this will end. As light cannot exist without darkness, so there can be no hope if there is no despair. If our life was devoid of any suffering, then there would be no reason to hope in a better tomorrow. It wouldn’t really a human existence at all.

No life without death

Finally, I do wonder whether I will survive to see a tomorrow. I have wondered about death since I was young. I may sound strange but I was always aware of my own mortality but I knew it had to happen one day. As death had taken one of my brothers away, it could take me at any point. Yes, I was scared but if this was a state similar to sleep, I wouldn’t mind that much. For who are we really in a dreamless night? And while our death may be a sad and tragic event for those who love us and, as we live, we probably dread the prospect of dying, it’s inevitable. But, like light and darkness, hope and despair, there can be no life without death.

Concluding Reflection

This is the cycle of existence. The nature of life. Things can only exist in relation to other things. There is nothing intrinsically bad about darkness, despair and death. They’re part of our experience. We suffer because we cling to the what makes us comfortable and what makes us feel safe. However, my experiences of life has taught me that I don’t have to worry too much about tomorrow. It’s good to plan ahead and live for a purpose. Yet, ultimately, we have to accept that we should appreciate moments of darkness as much as those of light, times we feel desperate as much as we hope for a better future and appreciate our life as we are aware of the impermanence of life and the inevitability of death.

An End?

With this I end this reflection. Still, as I end this post. But is it really an end? Isn’t darkness an opportunity to search for the light? Isn’t darkness an opportunity to rest and sleep? Isn’t despair a chance to discover yourself? Isn’ despair an invitation to hope? 

And isn’t the awareness of  of death, a reason to celebrate this life? To appreciate life with all that it brings? Isn’t an awareness of death a call to appreciate the today, to rejoice in the now? And, isn’t death not just a loss but also a hope for the renewal of life. Isn’t death giving a new life to start?

An end is also a beginning. Every beginning will one day end.

Life  is not good or bad. 

Life is simply what it is.

In the Dark

No light without dark

Yes, no hope without despair

No life without death

This is your Obituary

What if you had a chance to take a peak at your own obituary when you’re still alive? And what if, on reading it, you end up feeling disappointed that you really didn’t achieve that much and that people will remember you for little when you had so many great ambitions and plans for the future. And what what would be more important, how people had remembered you or whether you had achieved most of your aspirations in life?

In truth, these two questions are inseparable from one another. The way we view ourselves and the goals we aim for, for better or worse, are influenced by those around us and the society we live in. Of course, people will behave differently when to this influence. Some will simply conform and go with the flow while others will rebel and challenge the mainstream. Others still will retreat to the safety of their own private worlds. But, the ultimate question is what would you do? Would it be more important for people to praise you, celebrate your life and to honour your memory? What if you felt unhappy and unfulfilled until that moment of death? And that all the success and glory attributed to your memory were only a façade - an image you kept up?

There’s no doubt that death is a topic that most people would do anything to avoid. Even if it’s not healthy to be constantly thinking of death, I feel it’s important for me to dedicate some time every day to meditate about your day. Although I don’t always stick to this practice, I feel that putting aside some time to cultivate your awareness of your own mortality helps me appreciate what I have and place my problems into perspective. Because, many times, we tend to think this life will never end and waste our energy in a struggle to get what we want thinking that once we gain this or that, we will be satisfied and fulfilled. I know for I’ve been there many times before. You think that once you get what you wand - be it many object you crave for or a social position,etc. - you will finally be content and peaceful. But that only lasts until you start craving for another thing.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t have ambitions or a purpose to live for. However, it’s important that we are aware of what is really of value and to take the time to learn about life and discover what is really of value. For all the belongings, fame,money and all the things the world exalts, these are objects that only provide temporal pleasure and will not last forever. If we aren’t happy with our life, if we’re always absorbed in selfish desires, in fighting to outdo the other and only interested in what people think of us, we’re bound to live a life of suffering. For real suffering isn’t a matter of being in pain or disease. Our suffering arises out of our persistence in pursuing that which doesn’t last, it arises out of our attachment to who we think we are or to who we think it should be… It emerges out of our failure to grasp that in this life, we need others - that in our life we’re not separate from or superior to others.

Buddhist teachings place a great emphasis on the practice of compassion. I am trying to live my if de in accordance with this principle. However, you can find an emphasis on compassion in all the major religions and even in secular ethics. Unfortunately, while many would agree that the value of compassion is important, it’s sad that we’re still afraid or reluctant to live it. Perhaps we fear that in being more loving or compassionate, we expose our vulnerability and weakness to others. Perhaps then we will have to admit that we’re not so special but that we’re all unique and special in our own ways.

Then, at the end of the day, it wouldn’t matter that much what your obituary looked like. Not if you have lived your life according to what you believed in without causing harm to others. Not if you did your best to relieve the suffering of those around you. Not if you really invested your time in growing in compassion to yourself and to others. Not if you tried to live your life being true to your authentic being.